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Shag, marry, push off a cliff.

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Regrettable Juvenilia

09:11 / 12.03.02

quote:Originally posted by Flux = Avoiding The Conceptual Life:
Flyboy:

Justine Frischmann
Melissa auf der Maur
Peaches

Crag Melissa, maybe a little reluctantly, but ultimately because she doesn't really mean that much to me.

Shag Justine, because I used to have the biggest crush imaginable on her when I was an unrepentant teenage Britpop boy, and still do in many ways - she fulfills at least three of my strange fetishes (women in rock; androgynous women; very posh women), possibly more. But I couldn't marry her because I suspect she might be hell to live with, and because with out combined legendary laziness, we'd never get the washing up done.

Bag Peaches - do I really need to explain this one? One of the few potentially spouses I can imagine never getting bored of, and I would be officially the coolest young hipster in London town and the envy of all my friends.

Okay, one back at Flux:

Dr Hank McCoy, The Beast
Dr 'Bones' McCoy, of the USS Enterprise
McGuyver

Matthew Fluxington

09:11 / 12.03.02

You are total bastard, Flyboy.

Gosh. I would shag McGuyver, to make Patti and Selma jealous. I will crag Bones, cos he always creeped me out. And I will bag Hank, cos we'd probably get along really well, and have a lot in common. But *shudder* I am terrified of the prospect of having sex with a 400 lb lion man. Maybe we can work something out.

Haus about we all give each other a big lovely huggle?

09:11 / 12.03.02

Sorry, Tash?

09:11 / 12.03.02

God of the Calormenes.

09:11 / 12.03.02

You disappoint me, Haus. Go absorb The Last Battle into your planet sized bonce...

(I think he also crops up in The Horse and His Boy)

Haus about we all give each other a big lovely huggle?

09:11 / 12.03.02

Oh, yes, that one...the fact that CS Lewis is the most unbelievable pile of cunt may play a bit of a part here. "No, Susan cannot be here. For she is a SLUT. A SLUT A SLUT A SLUT."

However, if we must we must:

Crag: Aslan. Because it would be *funny*. And besides, he'd get better, and Narnia would be saved from independent women, and the working classes. Hooray!

Shag: Tash. Because it would be really funny watching Aslan looking reproachful as he sailed over the cliff.

Bag: Reepicheep. Two very important reasons.

1) Fencing practice.
2) Mice have no gag reflex.

Right, Kit Kat, you are the batter, with

Chrestomanci
Howl
Mordion Agenos

09:11 / 12.03.02

You beast. That is HARD.

Uhhhmmm...

Well, you really have to bag Chrestomanci, don't you (NOT Gabriel de Witt, only the proper Chrestomanci) - the dressing gowns, the vagueness, the collection of school stories in the castle library... Chrestomanci is tops.

Mordion I'm not too sure about. I mean, yes, he has Reigner blood and all that, and the original Reigner houses are meant to be better than Orm's lot, but I don't really trust him, and I think the Bannus may have affected his character in a misleading fashion.

On the other hand, Howl is quite sweet but he does slither, and I think he would get on my nerves. So, I'll shag Howl, and crag Mordion...

And for you, Haus:

Torquil
Archer
Hathaway

Haus about we all give each other a big lovely huggle?

09:11 / 12.03.02

quote:Originally posted by Kit-Cat Club:
Torquil
Archer
Hathaway

But that's incest....

Right. Crag Hathaway. Yes, I know he's a good guy, and all twinkly, but he is old and lives in an era of questionable hygeine. Plus, he farms transport and as such Ihave a *lot* of rage for him.

Shag Archer, but he sounds like he might be quite good, in a slightly mechanical way, and would almost certainly take me for a damn good meal first.

Bag Torquil - I think we'd make a pretty good double-act. Wordy and taciturn, mental and physical, fastidious and sewer-y...we could farm *everything*. But in a good way.

The Return Of Rothkoid

09:11 / 12.03.02

*waiting*
*pouts*

Haus about we all give each other a big lovely huggle?

09:11 / 12.03.02

Oh, righty-ho.

Rothky:

Gareth Gates
Will Young
Enrique Iglesias.

BWA-HA-HA

The Return Of Rothkoid

09:11 / 12.03.02

quote:Originally posted by The Haus of Horror:
Gareth Gates
Will Young
Enrique Iglesias.

Bag: Enrique. Only because then I'd get to meet his dad and find out why he only lets photographers shoot one side of his face. I'm betting that there's some kind of warped twin on the other side. And also because he's the poor man's Ricky Martin.

Crag: Gareth Gates. Why? Because he's twelve. And because that version of "Unchained Melody" is the worst fucking thing I've heard this week. Over the cliff, stutter-boy.

Shag: Will Young. Well, I gots to do someone. Why not do a {temporary} star? I'd be rather proud of appearing in Heat, strangely.

Right. Back atcha, Haus.

Warren Ellis
Garth Ennis
Warren Ellis

Boo-ya!

Paleface:

Tom Waits.
Tom Jones.
Tom Clancy.

videodrome:

Mike Patton.
Ian MacKaye.
Steve Albini.

10:08 / 12.03.02

how about an all australian round for you, rothkoid!

Michael Hutchence
Peter Garrett (lead singer of Midnight Oil)
Olivia Newton-John

Enjoy!!

10:09 / 12.03.02

Hmn. Bag Waits. I really don't think he deserves to die, but... hell, this is a thread scary enough as it is without having to worry aobut Tom Waits in bed.

Clancy's off the cliff. I mean, I was tempted by the prospect of "accidentally" killing him during a bout of particularly frenetic kinky sex, or at least reaming his under-developed-thriller-writign-braing from his head... but no, off the cliff. And those shades with him.

Shit. Into the sack with the chestrug it is.

This thread disturbs me more than Buk's University Challenge one.

odd jest on horn

10:38 / 12.03.02

right. Zoom.

fanny
ragged robin
lady edith

Matthew Fluxington

10:45 / 12.03.02

quote:Originally posted by The Return Of Rothkoid:

Right. Back atcha, Haus.

Warren Ellis
Garth Ennis
Warren Ellis

Surely, the second Warren Ellis would be the violin player from The Dirty Three, right?

Haus about we all give each other a big lovely huggle?

11:03 / 12.03.02

Right/

Crag - Warren Ellis, violinist with the Dirty Three. Because, no matter how beautiful your soundscapes, no matter how trenchant the sense of doom, you should either learn some proper music or get a lead singer in. This London Philharmonic Orchestra salutes the magic of Blixa Bargeld shit is just silly.

Shag - Warren Ellis, cartoonist. One could hold ontop his ponytail. Plus, it would give him some useful insights into writing gay characters that he could probably do with,l and make him realise that there are worse things than Smallville...much worse...

Bag - GArth Ennis. Because it would be amusing to see him do the hellraising Oirishman schtick to impress the fatbeards at conventions, and then come home to a life of pinny-wearing servitude.

Right. Flyboy:

Clark
Lex
Chloe

Flux, if you are a) cognisant of the reference, and b) ready to go for a foursome - shag, bag, crag and drag (you have to wear their clothes for the rest of time):

Joe
Duncan
Jack
Jane

Less searchable M0rd4nt

11:13 / 12.03.02

Saveloy:

7 FUNKY FREAKIMALS

EXTENDABLE LAMP (VERY SAFE)

PHANT

Sauron:

A dentist.
A second-hand car salesman.
A sweet-shop owner who deals in hard drugs.

ephemerat:

Lara Croft
Serious Sam
Max Payne

Flux:

A nice warm coat
A shiny pair of shoes,
A freshly ironed white cotton shirt

'Nesh:

The blue hairy one from Monsters, Inc.
Harry Potter
A Hare Krishna

expressionless:

The Evil Empire (TM)
A bag of mint imperials
The royal mint

Matthew Fluxington

11:18 / 12.03.02

Flux, if you are a) cognisant of the reference, and b) ready to go for a foursome - shag, bag, crag and drag (you have to wear their clothes for the rest of time):

Joe
Duncan
Jack
Jane

Christ, did that show even air more than three times? Well, I caught the first episode. I have to answer.

sigh. I guess I'll have to for the most predictable answer:

shag - Jane
bag - Zoe/ Selma Blair
crag - Duncan
drag - Jack (I look better in black than in red)

Flux:
A nice warm coat
A shiny pair of shoes,
A freshly ironed white cotton shirt

I crag the white cotton shirt, because I never wear white.

I shag the nice warm coat, but I bag the shiny pair of shoes because unlike the coat, I can wear them at any point in the year.

Sensible.

[ 12-03-2002: Message edited by: Flux = Avoiding The Conceptual Life ]

pointless and uncalled for

11:45 / 12.03.02

edited for reasons of sensitivity

[ 12-03-2002: Message edited by: H ]

Less searchable M0rd4nt

11:51 / 12.03.02

H: With the global situation in such an unstable state, is this really a good time to be slash-ficcing deities?

Edited to say: H, that was a joke. I was implying that Anubis et al might get all honked off at us, not that people would be upset.

[ 12-03-2002: Message edited by: Mordant C@rnival ]

Regrettable Juvenilia

12:21 / 12.03.02

quote:Originally posted by The Haus of Horror:
Right. Flyboy:

Clark
Lex
Chloe

These are all starting to get strangely familiar and obvious...

Bag: Lex - because he's cool, and evil, and has lots of lovely lovely lovely money. Perhaps I would be able to persuade him to use his money and power to do good in the world, although not through anything as simple minded and old fashioned as giving any of that money to people who don't have any. Not when the mansion needs a new swimming pool.

Shag: Chloe - she doesn't really do it for me, but I'm not stooping as low as shagging Clark (which might be either physically impossible or extremely dangerous anyway). Oh, and at least she's a better option that plywood Lara.

Crag: Clark, if only to ensure a happy marriage with Lex, who otherwise would end up paying the farmboy far too much attention.

Okay, one for Haus:

Bill Hicks
Bill Bailey
Bilbo Baggins

And for Kit-Kat Club:

Dylan Thomas
Bob Dylan
Dylan Moran

13:34 / 12.03.02

quote:Originally posted by expressionless:

Lothar Tuppan:

Tiamat
Dungeon Master
Venger

First I'd Crag Dungeon Master. Stupid little freak. He was nothing but a wannabe OZ. Freakboy goes off the cliff. Then I'd raid all of his Freaky goodies.

Then I'd Shag Venger like he'd never been shagged before. Uptight twit would need some good Barry White to get him in the mood but eventually he'd me mine for the night. Maybe some of DM's freaky goodies would help here. While he's sleeping it off I'd steal all his grimoires and replace them with Martha Stewart coffee table books and head over to Tiamat's place.

I'd marry Tiamat and enjoy being the toadie to an EEEEVIl Dragon goddess until she finally decided to eat me.

Ok....

Ierne:
Sam MacGregor-Mathers
W.B. Yeats
Arthur Machen

Moriarty:
Aunty Entity
Johnny the Boy
Bubba Zennetti

[Monkey - the greatest Sage etc.]:
Draupadi
Parvati
Kali

(I'll need to think a bit before I can send one back expressionless' way)

pointless and uncalled for

13:49 / 12.03.02

For any takers and in the hope that this won't be taken as offensive.

Axis of Evil
Axis of Naughty
Axis of Lazy

The Return Of Rothkoid

13:51 / 12.03.02

quote:Originally posted by Cherry Bomb:
Michael Hutchence
Peter Garrett (lead singer of Midnight Oil)
Olivia Newton-John

Crag: Peter Garrett. That dancing. Ugh. There's just something about him that I just don't like. Yeah, US Forces give the nod... [boot]

Shag: Olivia Newton-John. If only because I used to think she was Olivia Neutron Bomb when I was younger. For a nickname like that to stick, there has to be some kind of weird sexual rationale, yes?

Which means I'm bagging Hutchence. Which is OK, as I'd have a pretty big payment now, had I signed a pre-tug prenup. It also means I could use all my spousal powers to stop the remaining members of INXS playing in public ever again.

Mwahaha.

Al least you didn't bring Chad Morgan into it, though.

Actually. That reminds me.

open, for anyone who knows 'em.

Chad Morgan.

Rolf Harris.

Sir Les Patterson.

14:03 / 12.03.02

Its been bugging me for 4 pages now:

quote:Originally posted by shortfatdyke:
"For SFD:

Sharlene Spitteri
Charlene Mangel
Charlene Lichtenstein"

.

Who the fuck is Charlene Mangel?!! You blatantly mean Charlene Robinson (nee Ramsey).

I didn't spend 4 years in full time post-Alevel education to not know neighbours characters from the nineties and I expected educated people on this board to know better, blah, blah, mutter.

That is all.

Angry from London.

[ 12-03-2002: Message edited by: Fra Dolcino ]

Less searchable M0rd4nt

14:21 / 12.03.02

quote:Originally posted by H:
For any takers and in the hope that this won't be taken as offensive.

It was a joke! I was joking! Where's your sense of humour? And where's my plank?

pointless and uncalled for

14:25 / 12.03.02

Sorry, there was no indication that it was a joke and I really didn't want to take the risk in light of my past failings.

My apologies, can you remember what I posted?

14:55 / 12.03.02

quote:Originally posted by The Return Of Rothkoid:

videodrome:

Mike Patton.
Ian MacKaye.
Steve Albini.

Righty right.

Shag: Steve Albini, because he's skinnier than I am, and he's into a lot of terrifying shit, so the experience would be interesting, at the very least. The stories my friends have told about his pron collection...

Bag: Ian is so dedicated that he'd probably be a wonderful father, and I think he's even got the lightness to dance in Sunday morning with a hot breakfast in his hands. And I could rub his head when he was grumpy.

Frag: Guess you've gotta go, Mike. The guy's made eight hundred records already, so it's not like I'd be missing anything.

Less searchable M0rd4nt

09:35 / 13.03.02

quote:Originally posted by H:
Sorry, there was no indication that it was a joke

See? All of you people who take the piss out of my "exessive" smiley usage- you see what you've done now? See the bad place where your anti-smiley prejudices have taken us! I hope you're all bloody pleased with yourselves, that's all.

H- Anubis and Buddha, wasn't it? I forget the third one. How about Ares?

[ 13-03-2002: Message edited by: Mordant C@rnival ]

uncle retrospective

09:35 / 13.03.02

quote:Originally posted by H:
For any takers and in the hope that this won't be taken as offensive.

Axis of Evil
Axis of Naughty
Axis of Lazy

Bag the Axis of Evil. I look good in black and It would be a big step on my road to Evil Overlord.

Shag the Axis of Naughty. Well, you'd have to. Then brag to your mates.

Crag the Axis of Lazy. Christ i'd become a sloth if this axis was in the front room smoking spliffs and refusing to do the washing up.

Now one for Cop Killer.

Axel Rose
Joe Elliot
Jon Bon Jovi

09:35 / 13.03.02

quote:Originally posted by Flyboy:

And for Kit-Kat Club:

Dylan Thomas
Bob Dylan
Dylan Moran

Humph. Bad.

Well, Bob Dylan has a nasty moustache, and would irritate me beyond belief (because you can't understand a bloody word he says). Besides, did anyone see his performance at the Grammys? I say CRAG.

I suspect that Dylan Moran may actually be a wanker, but in 'Black Books' he has a bookshop and therefore is All Right By Me. I say BAG.

Which leaves me to shag Dylan Thomas, a concept which is strangely repellant, but at least I could write a book about it and make lots of money. Just so long as he doesn't witter on about Rosie Probert all the way through.

Hmmm... for Mordant:

Throgmorten the Temple Cat
Puss in Boots
The Cheshire Cat

pointless and uncalled for

10:59 / 13.03.02

For Ganesh

Anubis
Bhudda
Tezcatlipoca

Jack The Bodiless

13:55 / 15.03.02

quote:Originally posted by shortfatdyke:
...now it's over to jack the bodiless:

jack regan
jack straw
jack the ripper.

Roight. Just quickly, for I have only a short space of time before being whirled away...

Shag Jack Straw. It's about time someone did (although one could say Blair's been fucking him in the ass for six months...)

Bag Jack Regan. I'd make him his breakfast, for one thing.

Crag the useless pile of urban-legend-twank that is The Ripper. Shit serial killer. Inspired shit novels and movies. Probably got run over in the street. And if he was intending to prey upon the lowest levels of society, the Houses of Parliament are a fair old walk from Whitechapel...

quote:Originally posted by H:
....for Jack tB

Peter Jackson
Blue Peter
Blue Man Group

Shag Blue Peter, because I've never had an entire television programme before.

Bag Peter Jackson, because he is a hobbit, and we have the hairy feet in common...

Crag Blue Man Group, as I hate multimedia performance artist rubbish like that. I mean, really. Plus I thought I was the first person to consider painting myself blue and being silly in public. Damn.

15:16 / 09.01.03

My entry in the Taking the Longest Time to Reply competition:

Kit-Cat Club:

"For you, Saveloy:

The Bold Forester
The Fawcett Inn
The Fifth Hants Volunteer Arms"

Shag: the Bold Forester.
It will be a joyless quickie, with a doctor on hand throughout. I'll stick it in through the front door while the bouncer isn't looking, cough, then run away, crying and leaving the pub unaware that anything has happened. The whole thing shouldn't take more than a couple of seconds. I was tempted to crag it, on account of the disgusting combination of peach and cyan they painted the exterior a couple of years ago, and the fact that of the three it would make the most spectacular crash and fall, but Laughing Bob drinks there and I know my wife would miss having him shout at her whenever she walks past. Hope he's not in there when I fetch up.

Crag: the Fawcett Inn
Nasty, wretched, cold, damp place, uuurrgh! Utterly joyless; there's an oppressive feeling of contempt hanging in the air. Knowing my luck it'll stick to the sides of the cliff and I'll have to scrub it off with a stiff brush.

Bag: Fifth Hants Volunteer Arms
Looks like it was knocked up out of spare bits of utility furniture in the middle of an air raid with every expectation that there would be just enough time to erect it, have a pint and then run out again before the next bomb fell on it. HSB. A slightly pissed but energetic barman. Occasional appearances by cheerful young goths. Enough room for three people. No damn telly. Iron fists, it has!

Anyone fancy carrying this on?

For Kit-Cat Club:

Harriet Vane
Lord Peter Wimsey
Bunter

For Bengali in Platforms:

Dick Van Dyke
Barry Van Dyke
William Van Dyke

Goodness Gracious Meme

15:34 / 09.01.03

Hmph. I want kit-kat's one. Though deciding who to crag would be heart-breaking.

Ugh. this is going to be painful, whateverways.

Okaaayyyy, have checked out the delightful William Van Dyke.

Right, er, well...

Okay, I crag Barry van Dyke. For that hair, and being too shit to get his own acting jobs. And for being a 'cool, ladies man cop' character who lives with his fictional/real dad.

I shag Dick van Dyke. With the largest dildo I can find, on the edge of the cliff, so he can watch Barry Dearest plummeting to his death with every thrust. Ahem.

(thanks actually, Sav, that was very therapeutic.)

Which would leave me with William van Dyke, but playing by the 1967 'hot ridin' fool' clause, I believe I'm allowed to make a themed substitution.

So I'm playing my joker and marrying Jan van Eyck instead. Good money, I'd get to chekc out cool Italian/Dutch/Flemish art collections and toffs, and it'd be worth it to get that close to the Arnolfini Betrothal.

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