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Shag, marry, push off a cliff.

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Matthew Fluxington

14:41 / 14.01.03

I'll bag David Boring, mostly because he isn't nearly as violent or depressed as the other choices, and is also the most handsome. It'll probably end in divorce, though.

Jimmy Corrigan is thrown over the cliff, to be put out of his misery.

Milk and Cheese get the shag, I suppose.

Right back at Runce:

United States
Canada
England

For Mayor Todd:

Maggie Gyllenhaal in Secretary
Maggie Gyllenhaal in Donnie Darko
Maggie Gyllenhaal in Adaptation

For Grant:

Franklin D. Roosevelt
Harry Truman
Lyndon B. Johnson

For Gridley:

Julia Roberts
Julia Stiles
Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Regrettable Juvenilia

14:56 / 14.01.03

Chromeo dun it:

Atomic Kitten sail off the cliff. This is the easy part: they are Bad Pop - oddly sexless, devoid of the spark of life, their tunes are either wishy-washy and bland or murderous cover versions. They look like three Stepford Cuckoos (not in a good way) from a provincial English town. Run, run for the hills.

SugaBabes get the shag, for they are freaks. Like me. We don't give a damn about a thing...

Spice Girls get MARRIAGE - can I have the Geri-free lineup though, please, crap as the music may have become? I look forward to a life of Footballers' Wives style ridiculous excess and bad taste. Yippee!

For bengali - pick two for each category:

Sean Cody
Rocky Lamont
Zoe Lamont
Victoria Lamont
Trixie Lamont
Cassy

15:46 / 14.01.03

From Flux -

Gwyneth Paltrow & Chris Martin (from Coldplay)
Beyonce Knowles & Jay-Z
Brittany Murphy & Ashton Kucher

Easy -
Crag - gwyneth and Senor Coldplay - I can't really stand either of them
Shag - Brittany Murphy and Ashton Kutcher - Brittany Murphy is cute, but almost scarily skinny lately. Ashton Kutcher is pretty! Like a girl!
Bag - Beyonce and Jay-Z - I'm ready for that jelly.

Maggie Gyllenhaal in Secretary
Maggie Gyllenhaal in Donnie Darko
Maggie Gyllenhaal in Adaptation

Crag - MG in Donnie Darko - too small of a part.
Shag - MG in Adaptation - she says the immortal line "It's like a brain factory in here," thus enhancing her shagability.
Bag - MG in Secretary - Finally, someone who would love me for correcting their typos/mispellings. I'd bet she'd even let me correct her crossword solutions.

For Flux:

GZA
Method Man
ODB

For Flyboy:

Peaches
Har Mar Superstar
Prince

Matthew Fluxington

15:53 / 14.01.03

Well, there's no fucking way I'm even entertaining the concept of having sexual relations with ODB. He's crawling with nearly every VD conceivable, and is completely out of his mind. He's going over that cliff.

Method Man gets the shag, because he's goofy, handsome, and fun, but not exactly commitment material. He'd just be playing video games and smoking weed and acting like a teenager all of the time.

GZA gets bagged, because he's the most mature of the bunch, probably the best conversationalist of the bunch. It'd be a sexless marriage, I'm sure.

16:13 / 14.01.03

From MC Lentil

Animal (Muppets)
Phil Collins
Colin Powell

Crag- Phil Collins. I'd like to be less obvious about this, but quite frankly I can't stand the bastard, so it's straight off the cliff with him then.

Bye bye Phil!!!!

Bag- Animal. I love Animal... he's so my hero in life. You'd think that you would get tired of Animal if you had to be around him for any period of time, but no. Me and him would get on BRILLIANTLY, cos he's just so cute and excitable. Plus I'd get to go to hang with the other muppets, which I'm well up for!

Shag- Powell, by default...

16:54 / 14.01.03

hmmmmm.... thanks, Flux....

well, I'll start with easiest choice. Let's crag Julia Roberts definitely, shall we? Big mouth, screechy voice, overacts... Soderbergh will just have to find someone else to put in all of his movies.

now, Julia Louise-Dreyfus, you're funny, you're all woman, but let's face it, your career's going nowhere and that's going to make you even complainier than I imagine you already are, so.... I'll just shag you and go, all right?

Which leaves, the very lovely Julia Stiles to stay on for the long haul. Thank you, Flux, indeed. Extremely cute, quite smart, good personality, and acts her ass off. And, hey, a quick check on IMDB reveals she's 21, so everything's perfectly legal....

now, what shall we do for the honeymoon.....

oh, and Flux...

Rory
Lane
Paris

Matthew Fluxington

17:11 / 14.01.03

Oh, this is so sad - I really like Paris, and if under different circumstances, she could be a viable shag or bag. But I'm afraid the poor girl is going over the cliff, which will probably bring a lot of smiles to people's faces all over.

Lane is a must-shag. She's adorable, she's cool, she's enthusiastic. Unfortunately, Lane can be sort of irritating at times, but in the best way, of course; and her unfortunate situation with her family creates more problems than a longterm relationship with her may be worth. Poor girl, this is how it is with most everyone, I'm afraid. She needs to crag her (well intentioned, but deeply overbearing and controlling) mother!

I'm actually least attracted to Rory of the three, but she's the obvious choice for marriage. She's kind, smart, a great conversationalist, very pretty, and has very healthy attitudes about love and commitments, I think. I think she's an ideal choice for a longterm relationship, even if I'd have to forever hide my crush on her mother.

The Return Of Rothkoid

22:11 / 14.01.03

Beer
Wine
Vodka

Oooooh.

Right. Bag: Wine, particularly red wine. So smooth, so nice... this is a match made in heaven. Works with literary pretentiousness, which is a boon for me.
Shag: Beer, because it can run the range from "quietly refreshing" to "d'y'wanna fight me?" - no doubt there would be a level of sexual unpredictability that would be pretty rockin'.
Crag: Vodka. Karloff vodka in particular, given that it's the sort of thing that is analogous to battery acid and seems to exist purely for 14-year-olds. And I have gin in my martinis, anyway, so it's a-ok if I never see any Stoli again.

In return, for May:
Pasties
G-string
Impossibly tall heels

For anyone else:
The alphorn
The tuba
The trombone

and

Chet Baker
Miles Davis
Louis Armstrong

22:24 / 14.01.03

From May Tricks, darn you.

Dildo
Vibrator
Strap-on

The dildo gets the shag -- literally. No way is it nearing my butthole, it doesn't agree with it today.

Vibrator, off the cliff to be caught by a lonesome sailor later.

Strap-on for life, on my head.

The Apple-Picker

22:34 / 14.01.03

Bag - MG in Secretary - Finally, someone who would love me for correcting their typos/mispellings. I'd bet she'd even let me correct her crossword solutions.

To my beloved organ grinder, Todd:
typos
misspellings
crossword solutions

Love,
Your blog monkey, Apple

Less searchable M0rd4nt

23:02 / 14.01.03

KCC:

Crag: Puss in Boots takes a header. He's passe and I can always do with free footware.

Shag: The Cheshire Cat. Amusing but not really in it for the long haul, I feel.

Bag: Throgmorten the Temple Cat. Mean and magickal, and able to rip the shin skin off of anyone I don't like. What more could you want?

23:29 / 14.01.03

From Rothkoid:

Bag: Miles Davis. Just got to, really. So many different styles for so many different days. Wouldn't get bored that quickly. Miles is a long-term thing, you can't do it all in a night.

Shag: Chet Baker. Cool, slick, easier to digest in a single sitting.

Crag: Louis Armstrong. Good trumpeter, but enough with the fucking singing. If he saw the times that sodding song got used for bank and insurance adverts... he'd turn in his grave. Cultural context sends Satchmo off the cliff.

00:01 / 15.01.03

Diomedes, Menelaus, Odysseus

See now, my instinct was to bag Odysseus...

...but then I thought about it. Well anyway, let's dispose of Menelaus first --that's easy enough. I'm never going to compare with Helen of Troy anyway.

Back to Odysseus. Everybody wants to bag Odysseus, but he always escapes. He only wants Penelope for his wife. And I could never be Penelope, I'm not a patient woman. What do I want to be a grass widow for? So the thing to do with Odysseus is shag.

So that leaves me the paragon Diomedes, and you don't have to ask me twice. And we can have Haus and Delia Derbyshire over for tea.

For Haus:
Cassandra
Medea
Hera

00:48 / 15.01.03

William Shatner
Patrick Stewart
Scott Bakula

Crag ol' Pat. Sorry, but he's now become a blight on Star Trek. Has he forgotten how to act.

The Shat gets the shag. Apparently he's a fool IRL, so I wouldn't want to hang a round post-fuck.

Bakula gets the marriage by default. For this one round there'll be a new category:

Revere as God: Avery Brooks

Faith
Hope
Charity

Crag: Hope. She's my aunt, and is more than a little anti-social and insane.

Shag: Charity. I used to work with her, kinda thought I was in with a chance all those years ago. Especially that time in the storeroom on her last day.

Bag: Faith. Dushku is the perfect life partner!

Matthew Fluxington

00:49 / 15.01.03

Whoa, Apples - are you going to start spanking Todd now?

for Rothkoid:

Shooby Taylor
Congress-Woman Malinda Jackson Parker
Lucia Pamela

for Persephone (one more NXM selection, and no more!):

Xorn
Xavier
Jean

00:53 / 15.01.03

Flux:

A Leper Without A Cause
A Peril Without A Cause
A Rebel Without A Cause

10:25 / 15.01.03

Haus:

Seymour
Compo
Clegg

14:50 / 15.01.03

Pasties - crag
Really, what moron invented this? They do absolutely nothing but hide the best part of my boobs with a ridiculous tassle.

G-string - shag
Well, for starters, it is in the right place and usually at the right time. When I want to discard them, a simple clip on each hip and voila! Used, removed and shot into the crowd.

Impossibly tall heels - a definate bag
I can do acrobatics with Impossibly tall heels, run, do housework or rock-climb, dance, sleep, make love...all with Impossibly tall heels. We have been together a while now so we are quite comfortable with each other. Besides, they come in pairs!

...twins Basil, TWINS!

Now for my next victim...

Rex
91
23
64

and

cusm
DNA
LVX
SUV

Okay, I have a hangover and I am flipping through the Golden Dawn. Isn't it obvious?

14:58 / 15.01.03

Temple ov Psychick Youth
O.T.O
Temple of Set

You're an evil, evil woman, Ms. Tricks.

Hm.

Crag: Temple ov Psychick Youth. Out-dated and over-self-important. Not to mention that I can't listen to Psychick TV without getting vapor-lock in my brain any more. Besides, the funny spelling thing has always made me nuts.

Shag: Temple of Set. Some o' them Goth girls are pretty hot. I'd definitely wear a condom, though. Maybe two.

Bag: OTO. While holding my nose. After all, I am the Outer Head of the Order. I have the card to prove it...

The Natural Way

15:15 / 15.01.03

Big in the krand.

Hey ho:

Crag: England. You can have it right now. Honestly, between the rail service and the fucking weather...shit! Aaargh! Get me out of here.

Shag: USA. Got all those sexy movieglamourpop currents going on, and all hot and bothered and warlike.... Fiesty! I'm a sucker for an american accent.

Bag: Canada. The accent's more in the american zone, so that's cool right from the get go, and those snowy mountains! I only ever hear great things about Canada, and, in the end, it's the safest bet for long-term partnerhood. Everyone hates America and England at the mo', making them a wee bit dodgy to hang out with for any serious length of time. The french accent's nice as well.

I'm not firing another one off until Fly responds to his. Ppppthppllpp!

15:29 / 15.01.03

He's a bloody slack-arse, Runce, you'll be waiting all year. I'm still waiting for a response to:

Flyboy:

Toby Young
Tony Parsons
Piers Morgan

For Haus:

Saint and Greavesy
Ant and Dec
The Chuckle Brothers

Regrettable Juvenilia

16:25 / 15.01.03

Sav, perhaps I'd have responded sooner if you hadn't given me three people I want to crag...

Okay: Shag Piers Morgan, then sell the story in all its grisly, "out! out, mine eyes!" glory to a rival tabloid. See how he likes it.

Bag Tony Parsons, then divorce him and write 'novels' about what hell it was to be married to the cock. See how he, etc...

Crag Toby Young, because he. Just. NO.

Runceone:

Shag Nemo, because he's the only one who is anything remotely approaching sexy (insert joke about Hyde being an animal in the sack here). Nemo's... dusky. Ahem. No, sorry, terrible thing to say, don't sic Edward Said on me. Nemo's the smartest of the three, and in many ways the most interesting. And cruel...

Deciding between the other two is tough. I kinda like aspects of Hyde's personality - we share the same views on children, and I think he'd be fun to have a few drinks with - but I'm not sure I could get past the appalling racism. Whereas Alan is just so *nice*. Ah, I'm a big softy at heart: bag Quartermain, crag Hyde... Alan just has to never, ever let me see him naked again (shudder).

Okay, an all Farscape one.

For Haus - axis of evil:

Scorpius
Greza
Bracca

For bear - axis of fanboy lust:

Chianna
Shikozu
Aeryn

For Anna de Logardiere - axis of dead people

Crayce
John Crichton (the 'twin' who didn't make it)
that bald blue girl whose name escapes me - Zan? Xan?

For Warewulf - axis of I'm just being mean now:

Rygel
Pilot
Stark

19:21 / 15.01.03

The inimitable May "Great Whore of Babylon" Tricks reminds me that I owe a proposal of my own. For philm phan aphonia:

Alien
Aliens
Alien 3

19:34 / 15.01.03

From TheePickerOvApples

Typos
mispellings
crossword answers

Crag - Mispellings - most of my mispellings are typos, anyway, and I could certainly do without the ones that aren't, as they severely wound me pride. So, off the cliff they go!

Shag - Typos - They can provide momentary humor - for instance, there's a guy who works for our company named Bram, and he has a very difficult to spell last name. I always check that name assiduously when I have to type it somewhere. One day, I get back an e-mail saying I misspelled his name in a project I was working on. Mystified, I rechecked the last name. Sure enough, it was right. Suddenly, I noticed what I'd done. I'd typed his first name "Bran" by mistake, and turned him into a high fiber breakfast cereal instead of an investment professional.

Bag-Crossword Answers - Like marriage, my crossword solutions are forever, because I do them in ink. Unless I chose to scribble over the letters and change 'em a bit.

20:39 / 15.01.03

OK, I'm bewildered by choices.

Oh, and just to name-drop, I have a friend who dated Ira Glass in Chicago. She didn't marry him or throw him off a cliff. Apparently, though, radio really *is* his life.

First:
Carter
Regan
Goneril

Took me a while to get this one.

Bag: Carter - easy, he's practically a saint. The other two are trickier.

Shag: Regan - she's calculating and probably fiery. Passionate. Surprising. After a forbidden night succumbing to her wiles, I shall let her join...

Crag: Goneril. Nasty piece of work.

Arthur
Minty
Stephen

Heheh.

Crag: Stephen. He's a bit over excitable and shallow.
Shag: Minty. She's been around, and has a sexy perverse streak. Plus, she's cynical, smart, and not likely to misunderstand the situation.
Bag: Arthur. He's mad, transcendent, and possibly now subsumed into an evil bug-god. And he seems so shy and dweeby on the surface... talk about hidden depths!

Leaving the 20th Century Democratic Ticket:
Franklin D. Roosevelt
Harry Truman
Lyndon B. Johnson

Crag: Lyndon Johnson. He was a bastard. Picked up dogs by their ears. May have been in on the hit on Kennedy - and definitely bears much of the blame for escalating (and mismanaging) the Vietnam War.

Shag: Harry Truman. He'll be the bottom, and I'll make him call me "Enola." He used to hang out in Key West. I'm sure he knows how to have a good time.

Bag: Roosevelt. Hopefully we can share Eleanor's company (there's a joke here somewhere about a wheelchair and a horse, but face it guys, she wasn't pretty but she was HOT). I have a feeling he'd have the best stories, too. Every night, a fireside chat.....

The Apple-Picker

21:05 / 15.01.03

Typos
mispellings
crossword answers

Crag - Mispellings - most of my mispellings....

You're doing that to drive me mad, aren't you?

The Return Of Rothkoid

22:13 / 15.01.03

Shooby Taylor
Congress-Woman Malinda Jackson Parker
Lucia Pamela

Oh. Bitch!

Right.

Shag: Congress-Woman Malinda Jackson Parker. She's a wild woman, a lover of that composer "Ratamaniov" and can play hella-piano. Also knows a lot about the life of the mosquito, which helps for post-coital conversation.
Bag: Lucia Pamela: it'd be like being married to Sun Ra. At least you'd never get bored.
Crag: Sorry, Shoob. But there's only so much elevator music I could take. I'll keep the air sax, though.

For anyone:

Ra
Sun-Ra
Sun-Tzu

ONLY NICE THINGS

23:02 / 15.01.03

Ah, but Grant - you chose the easy Regan.

Slash it, you slaaaaaaaaaag!

04:29 / 16.01.03

Pull that lip in, iszabelle! I'm curious to know how you would choose between:

Paris
Milan
Barcelona

If you don't like 'em, pout some more and I'll think up another tricky triplicity!

04:53 / 16.01.03

mixmage:

Europe
Def Leppard
80's Bon Jovi

06:41 / 16.01.03

Paris Sigh. It's not that I'm uncultured or anything, but Paris?? All that snooty attitude? Crag. I'll still have Provence to console me...

Milan Shag. Repeatedly, if I could get away with it! so much fun! Such style! Such a tease! And the food... S'poze I'll settle for 24 hours in a ritzy hotel if I can't get more than one date...

Barcelona Bag!! Lazy and luxurious afternoons. Sultry evenings on the waterfront. Sweet whispers in my ear in that glorious accent... I'm swooning as I type!

06:46 / 16.01.03

For May Tricks (just because I'm in a really perverse mood):

Pee Wee Herman

Tinky Winky

Pete Townsend

06:57 / 16.01.03

Sun-Ra: Bag. I wouldn't need hallucinogens... And it would be loads of fun.

Sun-Tzu: crag. He may be wise and all, but he's been dead centuries already. And the idea of him assessing the advantages of intimacy or marriage just gives me the creeps.

Ra: Shag, by default. Besides, I don't know if I could handle more than a tryst with a sun-god...

07:00 / 16.01.03

For Flyboy:

Spongebob Squarepants

the cartoon version of D'argo as Coyote

Bugs Bunny

Matthew Fluxington

23:20 / 16.01.03

A Leper Without A Cause
A Peril Without A Cause
A Rebel Without A Cause

I can't say that I fully understand this one, honestly. I'm not having anything to do with the leper, that's a terrible choice. I'll shag the peril, just to see what that's like. I'm not expecting much from that. I'll bag the rebel and pray that he/she finds some focus...

for Saveloy:

psychedelia
punk
pop

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