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Shag, marry, push off a cliff.

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Goodness Gracious Meme

15:36 / 09.01.03

Oh, oops, yeah:

Haus:

Delia Derbyshire
Avon
Jason Koumas

Mr Illmatic

Willeim Reich
Alistair Crowley
Sigmund Freud

15:39 / 09.01.03

Good reply, BiP, but OOH you big cheat!

16:48 / 09.01.03

Yeah - bit cheeky there...

Harriet Vane
Lord Peter Wimsey
Bunter

Now, I suspect this is going to prove somewhat controversial, but:

Crag: Lord Peter. Because I can then steal his library. Lust. Salivation. Um. Also, I couldn't compete with him in the erudition stakes, and I'm not prepared to spend my life feeling inadequate. And if I don't marry him but let him live, I'll never forgive myself. And he might come sniffing around my wife...

Bag: Harriet. Well, wouldn't you?

Shag: Bunter. Just to see...

I feel dirty now.

Bengali:

Joey Bettany
Mary-Lou
Miss Annersley

17:02 / 09.01.03

Kit-Cat, seriously?

I would:

Crag Harriet. Because as much as I like her, I like Bunter more; and even though everyone tries so very hard to be lovely to him, I can't help feeling that he gets the raw deal and he's quite a lot more upset than he lets on. Because he's so noble.

Shag Wimsey. Because it's good to do something exciting at least once in a lifetime, but I don't have the energy to keep up that kind of excitement for the rest of my life.

Bag Bunter!

Tryphena Absent

17:06 / 09.01.03

ohmygod, Persphone how could you! Clearly shag Harriet, bag Wimsey, crag Bunter.

I can't believe you brought Miss Annersley in to this!

Regrettable Juvenilia

19:20 / 09.01.03

This is the greatest thread ever. Saveloy, may the gods bless you eternally for its resurrection. It has brought tears to my eyes. The golden age of Barbelith began when it started and stopped when it ended - and lo, it has returned.

"Let's see that again..."

And one for Persephone:

Art Bechstein
Arthur
Cleveland

Matthew Fluxington

19:26 / 09.01.03

For Flyboy:

Erykah Badu
Missy Elliot
Khia

For Persephone:

Beak
Henry McCoy
Quentin Quire

For The Apple-Picker:

Tony Soprano
Furio Giunta
Christopher Moltisanti

For Saveloy:

Brix Smith
Kim Gordon
Laetitia Sadier

Less searchable M0rd4nt

20:24 / 09.01.03

I shouldn't, but I must. May God have mercy on my soul.

For the Apple-Picker...

Apple Pan Dowdy
Tarte Tatin
An apple pig.

20:54 / 09.01.03

Clearly shag Harriet, bag Wimsey, crag Bunter.

Yeah, obviously I know that really, was just trying to be experimental...

Even better, what about

Miss Annersley
Miss Wilson
Matron

- ?

Goodness Gracious Meme

22:11 / 09.01.03

NOooooooooo. Kit-kat, don't recant on that first version, it's genius. (by which I mean, if I'd'a thought of it, that's the answer I'd've given, of course.) The Age of Peter is past, the Age of Harriet is upon us...

(er, can you tell I just saw TTT again? can you? )

Kit-kat, you evil minx, what am I to do with either of those trios?

Well, this, I guess:

after (I must admit, a brief reminder of what I'm dealing with here)

Miss Annersley - bag, obviously, because she *is* the coolest: caring but authoritarian, intensely sarcastic, and if I'm a very good girl, maybe she'll bring Miss Wilson as part of the deal. I like to think we'd get on well. Oh, and according to the Chaletian, she has a rather tragic family history so she's probably suitably fucked up and bizarre- erm, what I mean to say is, we can help and heal each other. A match made in heaven (?!)

Joey Bettany - Crag.(you must have known this, Kat) crag. crag. can I get a really high Cracks-of-Doom-style crag here? Found her loathsome as she develops into the Pride of the School, even more so as she drops sprogs all over the place and *still* manages to combine a writing career with saving the school and negotiating for Peace In Our Time, or something.

which leaves me with Mary-Lou for a quick shag. At least she'd be nice and strong....

Now *this* is just diabolical, how can you make me choose?

Matron - crag, sorry, but no competition for this one.
Miss Wilson - shag, I think she'd be a lot of fun, but ultimately, for reasons above, I just gotta let her go...after a *good long while*...
Miss Annersley - bag. bag. bag. bag. (are you getting the hint yet? )

Here's one for Grant -

Spiderman
Spider Jerusalem
the Kilimanjaro Mustard Baboon Spider(if you must, check here for further info)

The Apple-Picker

22:32 / 09.01.03

For The Apple-Picker:

Tony Soprano
Furio Giunta
Christopher Moltisanti

Too easy.

Shag Tony--he's hot.

Crag Christopher--he's a puppy killer.

And bag Furio--he will cook for me, and we'll have hot dates at Color Tile.

I will now go to bed and dream of challenges for my fellow barbeloids, as well as an answer to Mordant Carnival's disturbing challenge put to me.

Tryphena Absent

23:02 / 09.01.03

Excuse me but Marylou over Joey Bettany (triplets!!!!)? That's just so many problems, I say push them both over the cliff and relinquish the bloody shag.

Goodness Gracious Meme

23:09 / 09.01.03

It's a fair point, actually.

damn Kit-kat. Spoiling my hopes of hobbit-slash-dreamtime with bloody sickly schoolgirls.

23:27 / 09.01.03

Ganesh:

Gary Glitter
Randy Becker
Jack Davenport

Matthew Fluxington

23:38 / 09.01.03

But Apples, would you try to get Furio to get rid of that ponytail?

How about this one, a bit harder:

Ralph Cifaretto
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gaultieri
Silvio Dante

23:53 / 09.01.03

Flux:

The Jim Lee Storm
The Rob Liefeld Feral
The Whilce Portacio Jean Grey

03:35 / 10.01.03

For mixmage (just out of curiosity):

Terrence McKenna
Tim Leary
Albert Hoffmann

03:42 / 10.01.03

...almost forgot. For Persephone:

The Prisoner
The Saint
The Fugitive

No star here laces

08:03 / 10.01.03

For Sleazenation:

Tracy Emin
Gillian Wearing
Sam Taylor-Wood

09:04 / 10.01.03

Cheers BiP

Bag: Sigmund Freud - he's probably a nice old duffer really and those psychoanalysis don't come cheap.
Shag: Wilhelm Reich - anybody who devoted that much time to thinking about the orgasm has got to blinding in the sack.
Crag: Crowley - before he did it to me and ran off with me wallet - tricky bastard!

Byron: Megaman from So Solid
Nasty Nas
Big Boi from Outkast
Nas

ONLY NICE THINGS

09:20 / 10.01.03

Delia Derbyshire, Avon and Jason Koumas.

Crikey.

Shag - Avon,. because I could hardly come between the Boys for any perceivable length of time. Also because I think we might get on each other's nerves rather in a long-term relationship. And I could whisper sweet nothings into his ear like "If you go to Terminal, you will die". Like Ambassador Kosh. Or, more precisely, Ambassador Cock.

Bag - Delia Derbyshire/ Oh, come on. Have you *heard* the hym fro,m The Prophet? It's gorgeous. She could turn my blender into a celestial choiur. And there's a terribly sweet interview with her when she's talking about having an orgy at (I think) Dave Gilmour's place, and she gets all giggly in the most adorable way. On the down side - stench of Gilmour. But these things happen.

Crag - Jason Koumas. I know, twinkle-toed Welsh midfielder, and exactly the kind of footballer I wanted to be. If he were still at Tranmere Delia might be taking the dirt nap. However, a) he isn't and b) I think that, realistically, we probably wouldn't have all that much in common. Conversationally or sexually.

OK, Flux:

Billy Corgan
Eddie Vedder
Pat Boone

Matthew Fluxington

11:16 / 10.01.03

The Jim Lee Storm
The Rob Liefeld Feral
The Whilce Portacio Jean Grey

Yikes. I'll shag Storm, but all the while try not to stare into her vacant white eyes or muss up her enormous hair. I'll bag Jean Grey, because she's pretty nice and reasonable; and Feral is going over the cliff because she's very disturbing.

Billy Corgan
Eddie Vedder
Pat Boone

Hmmm. I suppose I'll bag Corgan, because he's prettier and has a better sense of humor than Vedder, and Boone goes over the cliff for being far too bland and conservative. Vedder, by default, gets the shag.

The Apple-Picker

11:32 / 10.01.03

From Mordant: For the Apple-Picker...

Apple Pan Dowdy
Tarte Tatin
An apple pig.

Crag the apple pan dowdy, 'cause I might just "get enough of that wonderful stuff."

Bag the apple pig because it's just so darned cute, and when he shriveled up he'd look even cuter, like a little shar-pei apple pig.

Shag the tarte tatin by default, but it is the better pastry so I suppose it deserves it.

Alright, for Bitchiekittie, should she be watching:

Leonardo da Vinci
Leonardo di Caprio
Leonardo Pisano Fibonacci

For Flux:
Dr. Weaver
Dr. Carter
Dr. Romano

The Apple-Picker

11:46 / 10.01.03

But Apples, would you try to get Furio to get rid of that ponytail?

I might cut it off him in his sleep, drive down the road in the early morning, and then toss it into a field. I'm pretty sure that no surgery can recover that sucker.

How about this one, a bit harder:

Ralph Cifaretto
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gaultieri
Silvio Dante

Gotta crag Ralphie. Though I appreciate his advice on eggs, I'm most scared of him.

Shag Paulie. I'm kind of Ew on this one because Paulie is nasty-mean (killing defenseless senior citizens) and slimey even if he is cute in a very pathetic way. Do I *have* to shag someone? 'Cause I really don't want to.

Bag Silvio--no other choice. He's the most even-tempered and least violent of my choices. But he would probably sing to me, and that would be nice.

Okay, for Haus:
Padme Amidala
Anakin
Dooku

(all from Clones)

11:50 / 10.01.03

for Flyboy:
Avril Lavigne
Justin Timberlake
Beyonce Knowles

For Flux:
Ed Wood
Elijah Wood
Eliza Dushku

For Haus:
Liam Lynch
David Lynch
Dave Gorman

For Byron:
Quentin Quire
Peter Parker
Wonder Woman

11:56 / 10.01.03

Art Bechstein, Arthur, and Cleveland...

Okay, crag Cleveland. Now you hate me, don't you? But Cleveland is the anti-me; and as such he is a heartbreak-in-waiting, I always fall for that sort ...but not this time. Cleveland must die. As God is my witness, I will have a happy life.

Sshag... aaagh... shag Art and bag Arthur? Shag Arthur and bag Art? All right, shag Arthur. Which I'm sure will be a disaster. See... if I were feeling cynical, I would bag Arthur. We could just be fabulous together and have sex with other people. But today that seems too brittle...

Bag Art Bechstein. Damnit, there goes my happy life.

Beak, Henry McCoy, Quentin Quire...

Crag Quentin Quire. I have no patience for troubled adolescents. If all mothers were like me, we would have a minuscule world population.

Beak... I love Beak... I would love to marry Beak, and he's going to be sooo handsome when he gets out of this awkward stage. But *sigh* I'm too old for him, really. So it'll be the Mrs. Robinson thing with Beak, and hope that he always remembers me fondly.

Bag Henry McCoy. He's my age, and besides what's not to like about Beast? He's handsome, he's intelligent, he's funny, he's wise... and if he devolves further, he will need someone to take care of him. Like John Bayley and Iris Murdoch.

The Prisoner, The Saint, The Fugitive...

I don't know who these people are! And it seems really important to choose correctly! Will research and get back to you...

For Ariadne:

Leopold Bloom
Molly Bloom
Stephan Dedalus

13:12 / 10.01.03

Here's one for Grant -

Spiderman
Spider Jerusalem
the Kilimanjaro Mustard Baboon Spider

You bengali angel, bless you.

Spiderman is lithe, whip-smart and knows what means to be a geek. He can also spin sticky, sticky webs. He also has commitment problems. Shag.

Spider Jerusalem, while fun in small doses, is not someone I can see myself enjoying spending any time with. He automatically assumes the worst about people, and, thanks to his enormous pharmaceutical input, is immune to pain more than half the time. He won't feel a thing, and will probably get a good column out of it. Crag.

Which leaves this enticing little morsel of hairy, eight-legged love.
We can burrow a cozy home together under a flat, overhanging rock. We can go for long, loping walks along the beach, holding hands and leaping onto unsuspecting prey together. We can raise a brood of hundreds of young, with home-cooked meals of fresh baboon mustard on the table every night. And we can make sweet, slow, fragile love:

The Natural Way

13:15 / 10.01.03

RaANK.....

13:23 / 10.01.03

Flux:

"For Saveloy:

Brix Smith
Kim Gordon
Laetitia Sadier"

You are a massive sod.

Okay:

BAG:
Sadier is the one that stands out immediately as most appealing candidate for this. She is no less lovely - *sigh* - than the others and is the one I imagine being most comfortable with for any length of time. She's the only one I can see working an allotment, anyway. Plus Tim Gane is turning into a potato over time and in each interview I've read she's had a little dig at the amount of space he takes up, so she's clearly - yes, definitely - had enough of him and therefore I won't have to feel too guilty about the split. That said, I imagine Smith to be more of a laugh. Hmmm. Gordon comes across as being too cool, in a "fag smoke and narrowed eyes looking left," detached sort of way, I just can't imagine what we'd do. No, it'll have to be: Laetitia Sadier

SHAG
Whichever one doesn't get this will be tossed off by default, and there's no way I'm cragging Smith, even though she did cop off with Nigel bloody Kennedy. She had too great and positive an influence on the Fall and was a crucial part of their sound and image during the times I first got into them and listened to them the most. Though she'd probably do the best scream on the way down... hmmm. Nope, I'm shagging: Brix Smith. Poor Brix.

CRAG
Well f..k, by a process of elimination it's: Kim Gordon.

13:40 / 10.01.03

Nearly forgot

For grant:

The land
The sea
The sky

For Flyboy:

Rock 'n' roll
Hip hop
Pop

13:41 / 10.01.03

Leopold Bloom
Molly Bloom
Stephan Dedalus

Hmm.
Bag Leopold, definitely, cause he's just lovely.

Shag Molly, I think - as much as anything because Stephan would take it all so damn seriously, and 'cause Molly's a good time girl.

And so poor old Stephan's going off the cliff.

13:42 / 10.01.03

(I know I have to reciprocate - gimme a minute to think...)

No star here laces

14:23 / 10.01.03

Mr Illmatic poses a difficult problem...

I'd shag Nas because if I shag Megaman he'll send his crew round to kick my head in, whereas Nas' crew are all stuck in new york selling broken amps to baseheads. I wouldn't shag Big Boi from Outkast because cornrows aint my thing and I'd rather marry him for his money, his strip bar and his collection of vintage automobiles. Oh, and he keeps pit bulls which will be handy for scaring off any of Nas' hangers on that come looking for me. Which means Megaman goes off the cliff, but not before I've frightened him into giving me Ms Dynamite's phone number...

Drums for one has a more two-dimensional question:

Quentin Quire
Peter Parker
Wonder Woman

The first bit is easy - I wouldn't want to take a life, so Peter Parker goes off the cliff - I'm sure he'll web-sling to safety quick-smart. Poor little Quentin tugs at my heart-strings - the boy needs a father-figure, and if not a father-figure then at least a Daddy. So bag Quentin, take him home, nurture him and occasionally abuse his lithe adolescent frame. Which leaves a night of passion with Wonder Woman. Light some candles. Accessorise the room with a harp or two and lots of silks. Video the whole thing and send the tape to Bruce Wayne to make him green with envy...

14:41 / 10.01.03

For grant:

The land
The sea
The sky

CRAG: The land - it wouldn't have far to fall, now would it. Besides, I like corn and all that, but hey, given a choice, living without gravity would be cool as hell.

SHAG: This one's trickier. I think the sea, though. Probably more than once. The motion of the ocean. The source of all life. Liquid, warm, inviting, but with hidden depths - the source of the hidden depths metaphor, in fact. I could not live underwater, though. I could live on the water, but not under the water. I wanna live in a bathysphere... nah. Just visit.

BAG: The sky, I suppose. Endless blue vastness, echoing out above land and sea. The source of the winds. Always changing, always the same, yes? The sky knows everything, except some of the secrets at the bottom of the ocean.... (you see, I'm conflicted here). But my primary association goes back to when I was younger, and had a little sailboat I'd take out on the Intracoastal Waterway, which by my parents' house is a narrow spit of muddy water lined by wind-blocking condominiums. It led out to the main body of the Intracoastal, a channel that runs up the Atlantic coast from Florida into Chesapeake Bay and points further north. So a close relationship with the wind was vital if a/you wanted to get out of the spit and b/ you didn't want to capsize in the howling winds on the wide water. Later, I picked up surfing, which (in Florida moreso than elsewhere) is really wind-dependent. You have to know which way the prevailing winds are blowing to know whether there are any waves at all, and which way the swells are going to come in (and thus, which spots are going to have any waves worth checking out). So you get familiar with the wind. And every mystical or weird experience I've had, I've marked either by sand or sea-spray blowing in the wind, or else by an eerie absence of wind. The wind lives in the sky. I'd like to live there with her.

------
I suppose I'm expected to offer up choices to others, now.

Hmm.

Rhaarrghntce-achu, I choose you!

Your choices:
Man-Bat,
Man-Thing
and
The Scorpion Queen.

16:18 / 11.01.03

For Drums for One:

Animal (Muppets)
Phil Collins
Colin Powell

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