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The miserable thread

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11:38 / 14.04.07

I had the flu leading up to and over Easter. This then turned into a dry continuous cough. This is finally going, but has left me with what feels like a cracked rib. I am hobbling around all tensed up and when I do cough, it is agony.

The weather is grey and rainy. My friends are all busy this weekend. My love life is just winding me up.

pah, meh and grrr.

*

14:57 / 14.04.07

I had a friend whose period of bronchitis turned into a persistent dry cough with a stabbing pain in the chest. A doctor said he had pleuritis, but antibiotics did nothing. Turns out it was a dislocated rib from coughing too hard; couple of sessions with a competent chiropractor fixed it right up. Point being, cog, see if one of your ribs is out of alignment.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

15:54 / 17.04.07

Hmm. I've got a vague feeling of doom. Not impending doom or anything, not like I'm convinced something bad's going to happen to me, more like something already is and has... I just keep catching myself thinking "oh fuck..." and then having to point out to myself that there's nothing wrong.

I know this feeling. I tend to get this before slipping into depression, but over recent years I've got a lot better at spotting it and avoiding it (basically I've taught myself that if I look at it for too long it has a habit of sucking me in).

I know I'll get past it, and will probably be alright in a few hours after some sleep, but right now it feels really unpleasant and is making me anxious and uncomfortable.

Actually, typing that has made it seem slightly more manageable. It also means I can read it back to myself if I start slipping in. Thanks, Barbelith.

15:56 / 17.04.07

Take the dog for a walk and smile at at least one person on the street. Could be dangerous I know, but surviving smiling at a stranger in London could give you a huge endorphin rush.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

16:02 / 17.04.07

Yeah, about to take the dog out now just quickly before I go to sleep. That always helps too.

Mysterious Transfer Student

05:35 / 18.04.07

Well, having been on a completely unenjoyable trip to see a band at the weekend, I now have contracted a springtime cold (almost certainly) as a result of close proximity to lots of ... ugh... other people on the bus and now have to convince the Protestant guilt avatar that lives in my head that I probably shouldn't go to work today, purely in order to ensure that I get rid of the filthy thing before enjoying Seth's hospitality this coming weekend. I was just seconded to a juicy new role at work and my new manager is a lovely person whom I'd rather not disappoint, but... the oogy is in the ascendant.

07:33 / 18.04.07

Oh yes, you better stay home! I got really annoyed with some of my colleagues, who came to work despite being really sick and managed to infect half a dozen of their colleagues before finally staying at home.
About once a year my supervisor contracted something very serious, kept coming to work for a couple of days and then had to take sick leave for weeks. And he never once listened to us, when we told him to go home right away and get well.

So get well soon, Mysterious Transfer Student!

20:12 / 19.04.07

I've been up for about a month. In the space of two seconds, I turned back into depression Princess. Why, no reason, just cus am stupid.

gah. I should just go to sleep and do all my stuff tommorow.

22:46 / 20.04.07

I got asked to do a short bit of writing for a place that I respect and admire greatly, which was the biggest happy-making event of recent months for me.

A week later and I still can't get through more than two hundred words of it without reading back through them and hating every last one. It's totally the wrong time to be having an extended brainfart, but nothing I try makes the words flow any easier. And I've got to have it finished by this time tomorrow. Fuck, I've got to find a way to start it properly first, but every time I realise that what I've typed out is absolutely awful, it makes getting over this mental block seem even more of an impossible task, which then makes the next attempt even worse.

Mon Oncle Ignatius

23:22 / 20.04.07

I wish I could offer a solution: sometimes I think everything I write is total rubbish, made up on the spot (which it may well be). But then give it a few years and - hey presto! - it's actually all right. Well, some of it.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

00:08 / 21.04.07

I usually find it's the "reading back through it" part that's the problem. There's no way you should doubt yourself enough to do that when you're only 200 words in. Don't let yourself read back through ANY of it until you've done much more than that. Otherwise you'll never build up any momentum.

Also that way, even if you DO still think it sucks, the more you've written the more likely some of it is to be salvageable.

Our Lady Has Left the Building

05:59 / 21.04.07

Steve Eley of the Escape Pod podcast once said that when the writing is difficult rather than fighting it he goes with the flow and deliberately uses cliches and bad dialogue if it gets the sense he's trying to put across, the trick is to remember there's always the second and third rewrite there to turn the straw into gold.

06:16 / 21.04.07

Um.

I think the key to this is to remember that really it's the *meaning* that matters, not the writing. If what you have to say is important and true and *from you* in some sense, it shouldn't matter too much if the writing isn't perfectamundo, because people will relate to it anyway.

In fact, I think that if you sort out the meaning in your head first, the writing starts to flow from it and automatically starts to get cleaner, crisper and fresher. Sorry. More fresh.

Bigger and more chocolatey. You know what I mean.

12:00 / 21.04.07

Actually, Sib, that's kind of what's been casuing me the problem. The meaning that I've been wanting to aim for, I've known since I agreed to do the piece. It's been figuring out how to get that across that's been the real issue for me. There's a very specific house style that I've got to adhere to and which doesn't totally click with my own, personal style, which has been a massive hurdle for me to get over - this particular house style is something that I've tried to work with before, but has always led to me being massively unhappy with the final results - always reads forced, obvious that I'm forcing the square peg into the round hole.

That, and the intro. I've just not been able to get an intro sorted that hasn't sounded absolutely crappy, and I need to get that right for the rest of it to flow.

Thanks for all the advice though, guys. I started to see the wood for the trees about an hour and a half ago, and so far I'm much happier (although still not *happy*) with the latest starting-from-scratch.

19:57 / 21.04.07

My Dad's in hospital again.

miss wonderstarr

20:49 / 21.04.07

Sorry, Boboss. What's up with your dad, if you don't mind saying?

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

21:17 / 21.04.07

Sorry to hear that, Boboss. Best wishes for you both.

MattShepherd: I WEDDED KALI!

21:53 / 21.04.07

Sorry, Boboss. I hope it works out.

Mon Oncle Ignatius

22:44 / 21.04.07

My sentiments too. I hope all goes well for him.

23:17 / 21.04.07

Fuckin' hell, B. All the best to your dad.

Less searchable M0rd4nt

23:49 / 21.04.07

I'm very sad to hear it, Boboss. Very best wishes to you and yours.

02:47 / 22.04.07

A week later and I still can't get through more than two hundred words of it without reading back through them and hating every last one. It's totally the wrong time to be having an extended brainfart

E. Randy: Willing to read -- email me if you'd like.

Boboss: doubt my reading ability would be much use, but if it'd help... or anything else I could do....

08:19 / 22.04.07

Thanks everyone.

He's having multiple angina attacks. Any kind of exertion, even talking, brings one on. The doctors aren't sure how serious the situation is yet but he's having a load of tests today and might be moved to a centre of excellence for an operation if things don't look too good. The thinking is that this isn't life threatening, at least it isn't life threatening in face of full bore medical intervention. My main concern is that he's had heart disease for about 8 or 9 years but for some reason refuses to look after himself properly. This is a step along the way towards another (his second) heart attack, and almost certainly signposts his eventual death.

My poor stepmother is trying to hold it together, but she's emotionally exhausted after years of trying to shepherd a rather pig-headed man away from the fags and booze and joints, and I think this is the last straw. He's been in hosptial since early Friday morning but she only contacted me last night, I think she couldn't face it. I'm as worried about her as I am about anything else.

My mum, my god-parents and my siblings should all be getting involved about now, so hopefully she'll be getting the support she needs. I'll be ringing her in a bit.

pfffh bugger

miss wonderstarr

09:26 / 22.04.07

Really sorry Boboss. Take care: my thoughts are with you and your family.

17:55 / 23.04.07

My sympathies, Boboss. Hope everybody's doing okay through it.

18:04 / 23.04.07

Well, here's hoping for the best. I've seen two people go in after years of refusing to cope with situations, and at least one of them walk out having decided to really adjust their lives (the other's still in the hospital and will be for several months, but he too, has sort of relented on the whole acting like nothing's changed thing). Small comfort, if it's any at all, but it's a hope.

Anyone who's had a hand in you's got to be worth it.

18:05 / 23.04.07

Jeez, that's terrible. My sympathies and best wishes for you and your family, Boboss.

19:17 / 23.04.07

God you people are so lovely. It really, really lifts me to hear this stuff.

Being frightened for a parent's life is the strangest thing, the horror of it keeps finding weird ways to creep into my life: a bit of displaced anxiety here, a non-specific panic attack there, the odd bout of overwhelming sadness.

DD, I'm hoping this bout of life-threatening agony will encourage my father to mend his ways. Apparently he's already saying it will, which is a lot more than we got last time.

19:48 / 23.04.07

I know this should be happy news, but WTF?

Somedays my society makes me want to duct tape people to things. Like each other.

Whisky Priestess

19:51 / 23.04.07

The bestest of best wishes to your poor Dad. If anything's going to make him want to be well again it's a(nother) stay in hospital, and I hope it - and all the family support and stuff, obviously, too - gives him the impetus he needs to give up (or at least cut down on) all the bad things that put him there.

20:11 / 23.04.07

Thanks, Whiskey.

I have some sympathy with the old man, tbh. By giving his vices a rest not only does he have less (short term) fun, it's also like admitting to his own mortality.

ONLY NICE THINGS

20:15 / 23.04.07

God, just saw this. I'm sorry, Boboss - this is rotten. I hope that everything goes well from here.

23:53 / 23.04.07

What a nasty situation for all of you. Glad you're apparently keeping your level-yet-caring head, for which you are barbecrushed. All the best to Papaboss and Step-Mamaboss (sick with worry is no way to be). Good luck.

08:26 / 24.04.07

Thanks, Haus.

10:01 / 24.04.07

Boboss, sorry to hear about your Dad. It's a vile thig to be going through; my sympathies to you all.

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