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The miserable thread

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14:55 / 18.01.07

Damn, I don't want to know this. Please, please. I am dealing with something so similar today, but from the other side.

My partner broke off with me, and I have been so cordial about the whole thing, he can't even remember why he broke up with me! He wants me back, but it just isn't possible now for some very complicated reasons.

He says I haunt him in his dreams and that he is such a fool to have left me, but he wouldn't feel that way if I was being mean and petty. Dammit, dammit, dammit! Cruel to be kind? Kind to be cruel? I am so confused. I mean, he left me! But I am a pro at break-ups now.

Gawd damn, I almost wish I had been a complete and utter bitch about it. I just can't win for losing. I feel like i am poison. No matter what i do.

I am trying to encourage him to give other people a chance. To stop comparing others to me. I am so scared he is going to do something stupid.

Damn, damn, damn.

15:13 / 18.01.07

yeesh 'Trix, it's a hell of a week for you!

My last Ex had a rough patch quite like that but then it worked out and he hooked up with someone who had a crush on him for years. You can't take responsibility for another person's choices most especially after a break up. To help firm up your position you've some other folks in your life that need your attention and have been working with you right along.

Usually it's best to remember an Ex is so for a reason and to move on. Don't beat yourself up other the consquences of another person's choice.

15:20 / 18.01.07

Yeah, thanks XK, I know you are right. It is just so painful to watch - like I can't swim and they are drowning. It is hard because I care. It is hard to watch him torture himself. Yet, I cannot turn my back on him. Damn, I have to, don't I?

15:31 / 18.01.07

yeesh 'Trix, it's a hell of a week for you!

Heh, yeah, it is always a helluva week. But LOOK! I can balance this glass of wine while riding this roller coaster!

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

15:51 / 18.01.07

Yet, I cannot turn my back on him. Damn, I have to, don't I?

Yup. You can however pray for him privately. Just don't tell him about it.

15:57 / 18.01.07

You got it.

(Oh right, Miserable Thread!)

Thank you, XK. I am grateful for your help.

21:16 / 18.01.07

Apparently someone died on Deansgate in Manchester today due to the high winds. An uprooted tree hit him. Sad.

Also, hundreds of really really old and gorgeous trees being pulled and chopped because people are too lazy to help them back up again.

Bastard winds.

10:53 / 19.01.07

Someone has just bought my used copy of Mage: The Ascension off eBay.

They call themselves "Dante Crowley". No. Just NO.

03:21 / 21.01.07

I know no one is supposed to be responsible for other people uncalled for feelings, but one someone you care deeply about and want to make really haapy turns to you and say "we're" just friends and then says that, for her, "friends are not men, really" (right in front of your face, like you had no feelings and o prode whatsoever), just to, a few days laters, hook up with another friend, in front of you, it really makesyou feel like you could murder someone, the first poor fella who says anything to you you don't like (because, since you still like her - of course - you could never do anything bad to her), which prompts you to go home and hide, with nothing to vent you horrible feeling but to post on Barbelith (where, as always, tehre

03:27 / 21.01.07

continuing...

(where, as always, there's ever the chance people will just prove to you you're being a selfish jerk, which only makes you feel worse, specially because it is, at least in part, oh, so true...)

I swear to God, if I could take a kitchen knife and lobotomize myself so as to never had anything resembling a human feeling ever, ever again, I would, right now. If it hurts like hell unleashed on your head, so much the better.

I feel better in the morning, but god...

(PS. just to be clear, everything I just said is merely theoretical and personal. I won't hurt anyone over this; not her, not innocent bystander, not myself. Just venting. Please dont judge me, I can't handle it right now...)

Less searchable M0rd4nt

17:00 / 21.01.07

I wish I could stop taking everything so personally.

10:50 / 22.01.07

.trampetunia, forresters and people who usually take care of trees actually leave the old (even though sadly beautiful) trees lying on the ground so that new soil can be beneificial to other trees in a few years. I don't know if you are talking about trees in residential areas though. If a tree has been uprooted, it's usually just nature's way of giving the young trees a chance to become old ones themselves. This is one area where people are benificial towards nature in being too lazy or unwilling to set trees upright again.

14:07 / 23.01.07

Please don't hurt yourself. Please don't commit suicide because I am no longer available to you. You broke up with me, remember? This is what you wanted. Now that you have what you asked for, you want what you had. It can't happen. Sorry. Yes, I moved on! You want to leave, FINE! GO! But, when I don't fall to itty, bitty pieces because you walked out and I still find a way to go on, even though you left me in a crisis, and I still manage to talk to you with kindness and holding no grudges against you for your choices that have hurt me, and now you want to turn back the clock. I can't trust you. You don't get to come back and mess with my life and my son's life. You should have thought about it when I was telling you this would happen.

You know, the only reason I am continuing to talk to you is because I am afraid you are going to lose your mind and hurt yourself and the people who love you. My friend had a dream about you slitting your throat and wrists. I will feel responsible if I don't try to help you through this, but I feel responsible anyway.

You are such an idiot. I fucking warned you.

I am not a fucking prize.

17:25 / 23.01.07

"My editor's want me to do this. Do you mind?"

is very very different from

"My editors want to do this so we have too."

That's why I wrote the former, not the latter. Because I realised they where your tickets and not mine and so I wanted to find out if you'd be bothered. Quite obviously you are so we won't do it, that's fine. You didn't need to give me a telling off because I was asking, not telling. Now I feel attacked and it makes me feel uncomfortable.

In other news:

the week my Mother started offering me herbl anti-depressants.

the week my fiance said "if you decide to kill yourself, please ring me so I can say goodbye" because I'm so byronic and unpleasant.

The week I just felt awful all the fucking time and couldn't tidy my room.

17:56 / 23.01.07

'Trix, please don't feel responsible for another adult's choices. Also if it helps I'm sure there is a stat floating around about just how many breakups involve threats of suicide. Not to belittle or be dismissive but it has become a culturally acceptable threat and a common form of expressing a deep pain. Often people don't know how to vocalize pain in any other way. Suicide is like the '10' on a verbal pain scale.

Yet in every case I know in which someone commited suicide no amount of external concern was able to sway them. Not even lovers who took them back out of fear, not parents who promised and delivered assistence, not groups of friends who rallied. In the end the person was the one who gave up on themselves even when countless others pleaded for them not to and showed examples of why and how their life was important.

I know this sounds harsh but I believe there are people who use it as a metaphor unknowingly, need to be instilled with external validation and support to keep on living, and people who have given up and everything falls on deaf ears. In all of these cases responding with suggestions and encouragement is all you can do. The choice to live is one each of us must make alone.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

18:00 / 23.01.07

I hate to say it, but many years ago I was guilty of pretty much the same thing. Now, a decade and some change later, of all the things in that relationship about which I feel immense regret (and there were many things, from both sides), that's by far the worst. The girl in question is now one of my best friends, but it always fills me with guilt to remember that I did that to her.

Short version- Trix, you have my fullest sympathy. Listen to XK for she is wise.

ONLY NICE THINGS

18:22 / 23.01.07

Fairly small thing, but when did the Head Shop become an adventure playground for smug, semi-literate halfwits? I thought I was doing the right thing by stepping back and letting it run along unpoliced. I was wrong.

Maybe we should shut this place down.

18:25 / 23.01.07

You should take them round to the back of the Armoury forum.

18:27 / 23.01.07

Yeah, she is a wise one, indeed, Stoats. Thanks to you both.

If another friend had not had a dream about him hurting himself, I don't think I would take it so seriously.

18:43 / 23.01.07

There's no point in doing anything, because it won't make me happy. But it's physically impossible to do nothing. That sounds like nothing, but it's not. I can't handle it but it's not something I can give up. It's like this constant tiny thing that has been there for so long ad I can't itch it and it's driving me insane. I don't know how to say what's going on. I don't know how to say how it feels. I can't deal with this. I just can't and there isn't a way of putting across how much it hurts because I can't understand it.

18:48 / 23.01.07

Haus, that maybe the Temple's fault we had a massive idiot purge within recent memory. Sorry if they jumped forums....

Stoatie, we've all been that person and it makes us better people more likely to not be such dinks in the future. I had dinner with my cool Ex last night and there were a few lapses in converstaion as we didn't mention what an asshole the other had been during the period of time our fond memories were passing through.

'Trix, you know as well as I that dreams are often symbolic in nature. I had a fucking insightful horrorshow of one last night. Oddly I'm not going to the Middle East anytime soon nor really worried about being transported back into time. Though symbolicly it meant a lot.

Maybe your friend's dream means this Ex of yours has ruined any chance he ever had of getting back with you as symbolized by the suicide. He's taken away his role in your life simply because I'm very certain you'd never want someone on the edge too involved with your kiddo's life? Playing that card may have been the final shovel o'dirt/nail in the coffin on your shared romantic future.

ONLY NICE THINGS

19:09 / 23.01.07

XK is wise, as usual, Trix. Disturbances and concern might be causing general stress, and that might explain the disturbed and disturbing dreams. People will make their own decisions, and you can't be responsible for those, but actions are rarely as extreme as feelings or the expression of those feelings.

I really hope that everything works out well for everyone involved.

20:55 / 23.01.07

Thank you, Haus. I hope so too.

Also, my friend had the dream before my ex even broke up with me. She had another dream, just after that one, and it came true. That apparently, wasn't the first time, either.

Less searchable M0rd4nt

10:54 / 24.01.07

Oh man I am so so so fucking sick. Wishing and hoping my 4:30 cancels...

14:00 / 26.01.07

i hate people fucking telling me to go out and get educated. fuck. Cause I am, and am constantly working on that. Theists can truly relax there. But I´m not fucking giving in.

Whole fucking work/education/living compromise shit. Contradictions everywhere you look.

Have to work on that when I mentally get better from the bashing I just got on the Dawkins thread.

Closed for Business Time

14:15 / 26.01.07

PB, Don't let that get you down. I realise the posting style has veered towards the darker side of late in that thread - but hey, it's only a debate! Take a break, have a cuppa and come back bigger and badder.

14:19 / 26.01.07

bashing?
dude.
like, woah.

do you mean q-bone asking you to read up?
he didnt tell you to 'go get educated', he recomended some reading that might help you go the direction he thought you were already going.
like, help.
y'know, assistance.
forward. progression through collaboration.

also,
theists this, theists that?
sorry to be harsh, but cease the fucking prejudice and i will have a lot more time for your whining.
you assume theism is the root of the disagreement. open your eyes, mate.

14:20 / 26.01.07

see?
now you have a good cop and bad cop crossposting.
seems like it would be agood idea to listen to at least one of us.

Less searchable M0rd4nt

14:21 / 26.01.07

You know, I read back over the thread but I didn't see the part where you were getting bashed. That sounds horrible. Maybe you should link to the specific posts?

Closed for Business Time

14:27 / 26.01.07

toks - i wanna be bad cop next time! it's only cuz i've a hangover that i'm sympathetic to other peeps' plight today. it won't last...

14:29 / 26.01.07

but as this is the whining thread, this is what I do.

And yea, well, I´ve got no problem with you, but with the theist intangibility. Which I´m trying to deconstruct somehow.

And this is taking up time I should use to study for my exams on tuesday, so I´m a bit frustrated by my efforts being frustrated so easily.

ONLY NICE THINGS

14:30 / 26.01.07

Well, I was quite brusque - although that was precisely because I _wasn't_ getting a sense of intellectual curiosity or interest in learning; just the expectation that any evidence of reflexivity on the part of a religious organisation would be gainsayed without research or respect.

14:39 / 26.01.07

I concede that my posts are mostly not the most objective. I guess I provoked it, really. And today I´m just feeling like shit and doubting just about everything, which is what being a scepticist is all about, right?

so what´s bugging me then. Just a shitty day, I suppose.

14:47 / 26.01.07

Theists can truly relax there.

that right there makes me miserable.
you think that the theists need to relax, and you seem to think(hey, let me know if i'm wrong, yeah?) that you are being criticised in your approach by theists alone, and purely because they are theists.
whether or not that is true(it's not), your assumption that theism is the root of my disagreement is the problem for me.

you are of course free to whine.
i am free to whinge about your whinges, though, right? right now your whinges seem bigoted and self serving, and i don't like it.
i have tried several ways to stem the bigotry making me miserable, and making me wonder if there is any point in continuing to ask people to cease.

am i alone in being upset about this?

14:48 / 26.01.07

ah yes, may I consider myself a smug, semi-literate halfwit? That would really make my day.

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