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The miserable thread

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01:20 / 15.05.07

All right, that seems a bit harsh.

You don't have to move to the countryside.

But, you do have to read 'The Wasteland' and have an E.

All right, I'm arguably a crazy old bat, but none of this is bad advice, exactly, is it?

*

02:02 / 15.05.07

I think I know the feeling you're talking about, Princess. I've felt it a time or two myself. ...But, er, this isn't it.

(Wow, look at that deft transition.)

I knew I wouldn't be able to get health care that would cover anything related to being trans. I already knew that. But having taken the time to look for an individual health insurance plan just makes me feel unhuman. I want to go someplace where I feel safer than the clinic I go to now, and I'm willing to pay what I can afford, which isn't much but it's something. Thus, looking into health insurance plans. But, of course, the major issue that I'd need the plan for, it won't do me any good for.

Feeling helpless and ashamed of myself is no help either.

12:02 / 15.05.07

Oh, id entity, not only are you human - you are better than most human beings, from what I can tell. Certainly, you are much lovelier than any small-minded, policy-spewing bureaucrat. You are thoughtful and intelligent, and I do believe, you are quite cherished around here.

Eventually, I am hoping the rest of the human race will catch up to you.

Princess: I can understand those feelings you are having. Try to put those feelings in their place and don't let them dominate your thoughts. It may just be an habitual thought pattern, since it seems to have little relevance to your immediate experiences. Remember: You do rock, Princess.

15:55 / 15.05.07

I think it was exactly that Justrix. And now I'm suddenly putting effort into being happy it means that I'm more tired at the end of the day. Hence suicidal navel gazing etc.

Next time I'm just ging to have a big bowl of chocolate ice-cream and go to bed.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

16:03 / 15.05.07

That'll do it- tiredness can do a lot of temporary damage to your thought processes.

Me? My moods have been all over the place. Had something of an emotional jolt (or perhaps "kicking" would sum it up better) recently, and spent a while being really down. Now I'm kind of functional again, but I'm even more lacking in motivation than I used to be (which was, to say the least, fairly lacking already). When I'm busy, I'm fine. When I'm not busy, I have no interest in making myself busy. It's a conundrum.

16:10 / 15.05.07

Princess, channel those swoony images of a lush suicide and descent from the world into some sort of vigorous ragey last one to fall thing. They seem to be very nearly identical on an impulse level, but one keeps you breathing and posting. Also, bypass The Wasteland and go straight to the Bronte. Wuthering Heights: good for what ails ya.

id, you're undoubtably a fine, fine human being. It's any given large medical/insurance bureaucracy that's inhuman. Writhing mass of corporate complications and all.

Where are you geographically? I talk to someone who works in medical insurance and has been fairly useful in suggestions for other trans individuals (as well as many other things), in that weird world of modern money and medicine. Might swing you in a better direction, if you're still looking.

Ex

19:13 / 15.05.07

When I'm busy, I'm fine. When I'm not busy, I have no interest in making myself busy. It's a conundrum.

It would seem that what you need is some simple way of poking you into action when you fall into inactivity.

Something that your Barbelith associates could, with affection, wield and apply. Something light to handle, but focused and effective.

19:32 / 15.05.07

Princess, dear I'm thinking with all your posts it's probably a physical cycle of some sort.

What's your diet like, how often do you use recreational substances (including booze), how's your sleep patterns, and do you keep a journal/calendar to note what you feel like over the course of a few months?

I don't know if you have access to it over there but myself and many folks I know have been using an amino acid L-tryptophan (yeah like turkey side effects) to regulate our serotonin levels. I've got a few more weeks on the program and then my diet should regulate it it without supplements.

something to think about...

entity, you're one of 10 people I can think of who I'd give a kidney to just because it's right and good for you to be on the planet.

13:30 / 17.05.07

Funny you should mention it, Breeches, but I'm drunk right now as I type.
I'm sick of not knowing. There's nothing to trust in. We can't know if there is a Truth or a God or purpose. We can't even tell what's right or wrong. There's nothing solid in the world. TRhere's nothing to hold onto. It's all vaseline and no handholds. I hate this. Fuck it all. fuck the world. Fuck everything. Nothing has valuse there's nothing worht living for and no ne has ansers.

We don't know the answers to the questions we can't think of. And that's all of it. That's all of life. There's nothing we can be sure of. Nothing we can be happy with. No reason to stay alive other than the vague ridiculous hope that you might find a reason later on.

Im tired of this. I justwant to tqake drugs until I die. And I don't want their to be an answer. I'm sick of the arguments. I'm sick of the holding back. My life is this constant orbit around suicide. With highs around religion and sex and the lows about the same. I'm just this fucked up Doors record slipping between tracks and speeds.

14:32 / 17.05.07

Actually, maybe I'm ok. Maybe everyone feels like this sometimes and I'm just being drama about it.

I just want to have afuck and go to sleep.

No, I want to cut up my skin. I want to put scars all over my face and bleeding words all over my tongue. I want to find everyone who's gone against me and kill the people they lvoe. I want to shoot myself. I want to make a massive fucking stament with my death and hurt everyone who lvoes me.

Actually, ignore that. I'm being a dick. I dont want to hurt anyone, not even the rubbish people. I just don't want this anymore.

MattShepherd: I WEDDED KALI!

14:56 / 17.05.07

When will somebody invent a mirror that lets people see how fantastic they are?

15:55 / 17.05.07

Ah, have found cure for existential angst.

Damn Kierkegaard.

16:32 / 17.05.07

Right then, now my Mum's in fucking hospital. Apparently there's something wrong with her heart too.

What the fuck is going on?

17:38 / 17.05.07

Oh no, dude, that's fucked. Best wishes for Bomum, Bodad and you.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

21:14 / 17.05.07

Oh shit, Boboss. All possible health-vibes coming your way.

Less searchable M0rd4nt

21:23 / 17.05.07

Aw dude. I'm sorry to hear it. Best wishes for your mum's health.

21:30 / 17.05.07

Glad you can has kitteh salvashunz, Princess.

Boboss, I really hope your mom's at least in a somewhat comfortable state in the hospital. I know that sounds silly, but I'm presuming she's getting good treatment and I just hope she's as comfortable as she can be.

My own wavering misery of the week is purely selfish and has to do with just being very bad at the whole advice/sympathetic-ear thing. I've had to ask people to start laying their problems out for me in e-mail instead of on the phone, under the pretense that the cell bill was getting high (partly true), but the real thrust was that I was very near to throwing up at times, and I know people need to tell somebody things but how horrible would it be if you're pouring your heart out and telling entirely fucked up things that happened to you, and the person listening starts vomiting? I figured if it's in e-mail, I can get nauseous as necessary without being rude or hurting anyone's feelings, but it still feels rude/uncaring.

22:26 / 17.05.07

Were they gross things?

Dude, don't beat yourself up. You're there for your fellows and that's what counts, no matter what form it's in. You're a good dude.

If I knew my leant ear was in the throws of chucking up I wouldn't want him or her sticking on the phone on my account.

And concentrate on getting better yourself, you doofus.

22:35 / 17.05.07

Were they gross things?

Mostly sex-violence stuff. There's a reason people train to be psychologists or priests, and even then, I wonder how a priest would handle a two in the morning call to be a sounding board for survivor-guilt self-recriminations in a debriefing full of sensory details.

It's one of those things where knowing that getting all bent out of shape over my reaction is silly makes me just kinda more self-critical.

Several upcoming parties, events, and visits from afar should help get me in a different headspace, though.

22:48 / 17.05.07

Well, nobody's perfect, although it sounds like you're trying your best (in a good way). Don't worry too much about it, dude. You provided a needed pressure valve for your friend and a 3rd party they could talk to. For a lot of people in stress, that's enough. Like I say, don't beat yourself up. One of my fave quotes ever is from Stephen Fry (famous British thesp and tea lover), who says,

"One of the nice things about looking at a bear is that you know it spends 100 per cent of every minute of every day being a bear. It doesn't strive to become a better bear. It doesn't go to sleep thinking, "I wasn't really a very good bear today". They are just 100 per cent bear, whereas human beings feel we're not 100 per cent human, that we're always letting ourselves down. We're constantly striving towards something, to some fulfilment"

Which is to say, if it's part of your nature to be a good person, and you've tried to be, then go to bed a little softer.

22:49 / 17.05.07

Oh, and parties and visits. Yes. Goodhead making.

Be the bear!

23:58 / 17.05.07

Were they gross things?

Mostly sex-violence stuff.

My god, that sounds awful. Hope your friend is alright

00:03 / 18.05.07

drunk and awake

I are teh fool.

00:18 / 18.05.07

That, dear, is I suspect what you get for putting your privates on parade.

If I was you, lovey, I'd confine them to barracks for a little while.

On iron rations.

Porridge, square-bashing, that sort of thing.

00:30 / 18.05.07

jesus ag, is shit like that really necessary when someone is feeling down?

00:57 / 18.05.07

No, of course not.

I think Princess S will be perfectly all right after a decent breakfast, and, if need be, a quick hair of the dog tomorrow morning.

As far as I know, PS is not in pain, he's simply had a few lagers too many, and this isn't an emo/goth message board.

01:06 / 18.05.07

(Although ... Well perhaps I am an evil old reptile, after all.)

02:15 / 18.05.07

Boboss: your parents! Tell them I said they must stop this business. I don't want to have to come over there and give them a talking to.

05:16 / 18.05.07

Thanks, everyone.

In case anyone's unclear, it's not as if the parental home is in total disarray. My mum and Dad live apart and have done for at least 29 years, although they are friends. My Dad's problems stem from his bad habits and are serious, my Mum's almost certainly have something to do with her inability to relax and her insistence on helping everyone with everything all the time. To look at her, however, you'd think she was the picture of health. She appears fit and energetic and attractive so this was the last thing I'd've expected, frankly.

Waiting on tests now. The doctors don't think it's too serious. Life has taken on a quite absurd edge recently.

Disco is My Class War

05:51 / 18.05.07

Boboss, I hope your mum is okay. Hospitals aren't great for making people feel better, oddly.

I just went to the doctor and he said I have a light case of pneumonia. I've been really miserable lately, heart-broken and stressed, and without a secure place to live. So it's not entirely surprising that my body would break down.

At least I just downloaded a whole season of Angel. Bed and television beckon...

05:58 / 18.05.07

Thanks, Disco.

Bed and telly sound great. Get to it, I say!

07:23 / 18.05.07

I've been quite awful lately. I live with my boyfriend. I love him (very much). From time to time, he gets drunk and is more horrible to me than anyone has ever been (anyone who I'd consider having around for more than five minutes, at least). He doesn't seem to remember these things come daylight (should I be bringing them up? Given the reasonably regular occurrence. I think so and have been). After having a long talk with him last Saturday morning regarding his drinking (and its effects) he (unsuprisingly) spent the rest of the day and night in the pub with usual results. At the time he always seems contrite (if not overly so). Well we've been here before and I guess I'm just tired. I've been irritable and generally abrasive all week. I think I'm forcing the end. I'm too tired to discuss it with him anymore. I have exams coming up next week and everything seems to be coming to a horrible head.

07:23 / 18.05.07

Good luck to you and your Mum, btw, Boboss.

08:03 / 18.05.07

filth trough, you seem to know where you need to take this already, so... I dunno. You shouldn't suffer arses. Good luck making any near-future changes and all the best with your exams. Those (and keeping emotionally on the up and up) are your priority. Big hug!

Mon Oncle Ignatius

10:30 / 18.05.07

Good luck with the test for your mum, Boboss.

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