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The miserable thread

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Leigh Monster loses its cool

22:04 / 08.05.07

my goat died. he cried and convulsed in pain for a good fifteen minutes because i didn't have the heart to drip whiskey down his throat because I kept telling myself he might still get better. and I fell asleep next to him--I really didn't mean to but I'd been up the whole night before with him and I woke up two hours later and his eyes and mouth were open and his ears were all cold and he was unresponsive, so I assumed he was dead. And I'd been asleep while he died.

I put him in a box and then fell asleep again. Then in the morning I got up and avoided looking at him and went to do my work and finally decided to bury him before it got dark. I dug the grave, then I picked him up and he was still warm, which meant he'd been alive that whole day, unconscious hopefully but still alone in a box.

I held him for about an hour until I thought his limbs were getting stiff, because I couldn't stand the thought of burying him before he was dead, even though I know he was probably dead before that anyway because I touched his eyes and he didn't blink and I put my ear to his nose and didn't hear him breathing and did all sorts of things. But I really have no idea of how to ascertain that sort of thing, and part of me is horrified at the thought that I might have buried him sooner than I should have, because his body still felt soft and like it should be cuddled and he still smelled like a baby that needed nursing and I kind of can't believe I put dirt on his face and all over him. I keep catching myself thinking, how is he supposed to breathe underground?

I could go on forever because I can't believe how much like a baby he was, but sweeter. He knew me and he made this little sound when he'd gone to the bathroom and wanted me to change the sheets because he was too weak to move, and he had a different sort of sucking sound for when he was hungry, and he even cried when I left the room. And I feel awful and useless because I really think he trusted me to save him and I ended up throwing dirt on him and walking away.

Aah.

Leigh Monster loses its cool

22:06 / 08.05.07

PS Lula I didn't see your post before, but thanks for asking and I hope you're okay too.

Essential Dazzler

22:09 / 08.05.07

That's horrible, Leeside.

I really can't imagine it.

Good Luck.

Essential Dazzler

22:12 / 08.05.07

I should add it clearly makes you an amazing person for caring that much. You are awesome.

22:12 / 08.05.07

And I feel awful and useless because I really think he trusted me to save him and I ended up throwing dirt on him and walking away.

He's a better goat than that. And you a better person, I'm sure. Looking at your posts just in this thread, I'm sure.

If I've convinced myself of anything, dealing with too many dead animals this year, it's that they understand and what they don't understand they still forgive. That's not going to make it hurt less, but don't believe for a minute the goat held a grudge about it or felt abandoned. Alseep is still there.

22:16 / 08.05.07

This weekend I went down to see the Chocolate Accomplice. Everything was grand and sunny but there was one moment on the last day when things got mentioned about doubts and worries about the 'us' and now, today, she's e-mailed me a good night kiss mentioning she has some stuff on her mind, that's she not mentioned at all today until this last minute. And now I'm worried I'm going to get a 21st century Dear John e-mail soon. Very soon. Blah.

Anyway, that's not nearly as shit as some of the stuff you peeps have been going through. Big hugs to Moonlabelle, Princess Balboa, Boboss and leeside. I hope you find the luck and strength to sort your various shit out.

22:20 / 08.05.07

And, leeside, that's horrible. I'm sure he doesn't blame you or feel abandoned. He sounds like too good a goat for that. And you sound like a good and caring person. Be at peace.

22:26 / 08.05.07

That's really heartbreaking.

Please don't get yourself messed up about what you should or shouldn't have done. You did all you could do, and you did a lot by the sounds of it. I'm sure he appreciated every moment you spent with him. It doesn't sound like there was anything you could have done to help him.

I'll ditto Pacific State's second post.

Leigh Monster loses its cool

22:31 / 08.05.07

Thank you, you guys.

I just read Descrescent's "Asleep is still there" and burst into tears in front of the computer. But it was in a good way, so yes, thank you.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

22:46 / 08.05.07

Oh my god, leeside, that's just...

fuck

have as many huggles as you want. Borrow some for later if need be.

I'm actually, literally crying after reading that.

Fuck.

Less searchable M0rd4nt

23:02 / 08.05.07

leeside: what they said. You tried really hard to help the little guy and make his time as easy and pleasant as you could. Don't be hard on yourself.

MattShepherd: I WEDDED KALI!

23:15 / 08.05.07

I'm sorry, leeside. I'm sure you did the best you possibly could and I'm sure the goat understood that. I hope you feel better.

07:47 / 09.05.07

I'm actually, literally crying after reading that.

Me too. That's so, so sad. For you; I feel so bad for you opening the box and realising and so sad for your goat in the box, and that's he's dead now and you miss him. Oh poor you.

But at least you were asleep with him for a bit, which is lovely.

Also, he was a baby and he wasn't very well and you have to remember that. And as a goat he probably doesn't attribute your actions to emotion. He probably didn't go, "Oh shit, Laoi left me in a box." he probably thought a box was a nice place to be when he was feeling a bit sick. Animals don't hold grudges or make those assumptions. Please don't feel bad. You did lovely things for him. He had a friend in you and that's the main thing.

Don't feel bad. Hair strokeyness.

07:56 / 09.05.07

leeside, I was definitely not trying to get you crying (probably again), but I was more than a bit teary typing that. Crying's good for you, but there's no sense in beating yourself up. I'm sure he was happy for what you did for him; young animals don't level out comfort and kindness, like that.

Ex

08:50 / 09.05.07

Leeside, I echo Miriam. My last rat died and it took ages - I popped him in a box in the airing cupboard when he seemed on his last legs to keep him warm, and he hung on and hung on until I felt really guilty about not having done something more useful.

One of my friends said at the time that I was thinking of the box like a human would, and that my rat was probably content - he could see he was in a safe place, it was dark and he would be surrounded by familiar smells. And as you said of your goat, probably not very conscious of anything.

I'm so sorry - it's completely rotten - but I hope the feeling that you should have acted differently passes.

Whisky Priestess

10:11 / 09.05.07

Poor goat.

Poor leeside.

I hope you feel better soon.

Hallo, Paper Spaceboy

13:49 / 09.05.07

I hate waking up at 5:30 in the morning with the Fear sitting square on my back, crushing my lungs, with spiny fingers holding down my head while it whispers shit in my ear. And then having to get out of bed at that point because the feeling's so horrible that I can't even stay in bed or wish for sleep. Choking.

I do not like having upsetting, confusing, frustrating work issues crushing my brain all the time. I do have other things in my life and they're also priorities but it feels like everything gets sucked into this giant work-related black hole and I can't ever worry about anything else, ever, or just sit and enjoy the thing I *actually* want to do with my life (which at this point won't make any money) because I'm concerned about the money problem and work just gets to intrude on everything. Pfft.

And I *hate* how self-involved this all makes me feel. Fuck.

14:35 / 09.05.07

So sorry to hear this news, leeside. Your goat sounds very lucky to have been so cared for.

14:35 / 09.05.07

Hugs and blessings for you and your goat, leeside.

17:43 / 09.05.07

The Chocolate Accomplice wants to chat over the phone in about an hour because she doesn't want to discuss 'it' over e-mail or txt. When I called her my best friend earlier she was like "You're my BEST FRIEND definitely".

She's going to dump me, surely. Back to being the Mayor of the 'Let's Be Friends' Zone.

Deidre, my coronation robes, please.

18:04 / 09.05.07

Triplets, maintain your dignity.

The only advice I will offer.

18:04 / 09.05.07

Oh... It might not be that. It might be something strange and wonderful. But the next hour's obviously not going to be fun.

Wishing you luck and hoping for a good outcome.

18:09 / 09.05.07

Thanks, Peppermint Patty, it may very well be.

Bob, that's the best advice possible I think.

Gendudehashadenough

23:01 / 09.05.07

Very, very tired of attempting things that have use to no one except that they allow me the fallacy of thinking of my personal associative progress. I feel like I'm in upto my arms in marble-containing honey attempting to find that one goddamned cat eye I so loved as a kid, and remembering the head-working feeling come on as I discovered the galaxy dotted types of speckly-indented rolling spheres. Truly not having a good time must be more relaxing than faking it, is all I'm saying.

I'm having a difficult time utilizing many things that inquire as to the last several years of my life, yet I remember good bits as well as those bits that have fucked with my head only to provide an echo/morsel of clarity so needed at the time and have, reluctantly, refused to accept since. The stress/pressure is playing games with me at this point, knowing I have work (needs to change) and school (will change, but not orderly so)and that these activities provide not actually comfort, but the promise of future suches. Like my continued striving ain't gonna do fuck-all. And in the end the universe says "fuck you, guess." Well.

Can't I just live under a pureed heading, instead of constantly being put to CRUSH, MINCE, and PULVERIZE W/ VELVET COVERED ROCKS?

04:08 / 10.05.07

Miserable hayfever that wakes me up at half 4 in the morning with the sneezing and the gushing nose and tingling throbbing thick head. Bleeehh. At least the latest Bleach episode is out...

subcultureofone

00:58 / 11.05.07

i'm miserable, because i can't breathe, and kind of freaked out.

ash has been falling from the sky for days because of the wildfires and now the georgia fire has crossed into florida. 700 people have had to evacuate and it isn’t really hurricane season yet even though there’s already a named storm. the air is an eerie orange and grey and it gets dark very early. it’s realy hard to see.

also, we have measles and bedbugs.

are those hoofbeats i hear?

01:14 / 11.05.07

If it's any consolation, we've got bedbugs in our mattress right now, and have for years. There's a hypoallergenic zip-up mattress cover that they can't get out of -- we only discovered them when we laundered the mattress cover. The beasts can stay alive for years with no sustenance. Got the mattress (with cover) from elderly neighbors.

We're also getting the ash and some of the weirdness from the storm -- a sub-tropical storm, and one that is doing vokaal (*) to help with this drought.

End Times don't bother me none, though. We been predicting 'em for years.

Did you know Sweet Dick is in the state emergency management office now? (I'm pretty sure you've met him.) He's been singing Eno songs about the baby on fire while mapping the burning.

(*)pronounce with Afrikaans accent. Is not real swearword, except in non-translation.

subcultureofone

02:27 / 11.05.07

when xian left work in lake city about an hour ago, a chunk of ash hit him in the face. i was expecting locusts rather than bedbugs, and the bubonic plague rather than measles. don't we even get a proper apocalypse?

11:40 / 11.05.07

My week has been pissy - not terrible, but pissy.

Found out my evening class that I was due to teach was cancelled when no one applied for it.

Got locked out and slept badly for a few nights

Found out that I didn't get the job I went for because I was over qualified for one job, under-experienced for another, so got neither - which was nice.

So - pissy week.

Whisky Priestess

12:04 / 11.05.07

The Chocolate Accomplice wants to chat over the phone in about an hour because she doesn't want to discuss 'it' over e-mail or txt.

Now Triplets. You have to promise us all with your fingers uncrossed in front of you that she cannot possibly be gestating a small Triplets, unless she's been sabotaging condoms.

Can you do this for us? If not for us, for me?

Regrettable Juvenilia

12:41 / 11.05.07

Please don't click this unless you're in the mood for puerile 'SBR' type humour.

13:23 / 11.05.07

Ooooh, can I do it too?

22:35 / 14.05.07

I love my job, I'm about to go see my boyfriend, my life is finally taking shape.

So why do I want to kill myself?

I'm not going to, because that would be nobbish. But that's not normal, right? Most people don't get attacks of "overdose woo" do they?

Less searchable M0rd4nt

22:54 / 14.05.07

Because your life is taking shape? It's not an uncommon response. If you feel safe to do so, maybe you could have a quiet chat with the urge and find out where it's coming from...

01:12 / 15.05.07

So why do I want to kill myself?

You want to do this because you're implicitly talking about your old chap, on-line.

I'm guessing you're a handsome fellow, but, man, your privates are too, too much. I can't speak for everyone else here, but really, arguably, shouldn't it, your equipment, just be vanished off to somewhere quiet, in the country?

Where you could read 'The Wasteland' from beginning to end, and take an 'E'?

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