Gah, I'm as miserable as sin at the moment, and here's why: having been perfectly content, for a good long time now, to accept the fact that I'm an idiot, I now realise that I'm even more of an idiot than I previously thought. And this is about the 3rd or 4th time in the last couple of years I've taken a step down in my own estimation. It's like having a barometer on your wall which is permanently fixed to "outlook: grey", which you eventually get used to, at which point you accidentally knock the thing on the way past and the reading suddenly drops to "outlook: f---ing dire", and you realise that's probably what it should have been saying for the last 6 months. Then, another 6 months later, when that doesn't seem so bad, you get: "outlook: it's a f---ing joke, mate, I'd stay in bed if I were you".
On top of that, what mental energies I do have are being squandered on some rogue program in my brain which is devoted to creating and running simulations of what everyone else is thinking about whatever it is I'm trying to do. This weekend, for instance, I had Jake Chapman snorting at me for using a f--ing oven glove. This probably had some sort of use at one time, as an occassional self regulator, but it's got totally out of hand now and I can't turn the bastard off. And this at my age! If ever proof were needed that the popular idea that one should be permanently challenged or disturbed but never offered any explanation or any practical, alternative ideas or directions, then this is f---ing it. Bah! Selfawaria: a nice place to visit but you wouldn't want to live there. |
oke:: 
