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I think I owe it to this thread to post something off-topic. It was around December, I think, that I hit one of the deepest emotional lows of my life. There was one Friday I posted here feeling like I was 80% dead and might as well go the rest of the way. A couple of times shortly after that, I was really close to self-harm, something I'd never done before.
I'd like to thank those who posted then for your support and... your faith, really. I think it was id's post in particular that ze would be honored to meet me one day that made me feel more worthwhile in a significant way ~ that someone online could feel that about me.
There's no physical change to my cubist eye, but after several more trips to the medics, or more accurately a series of waiting rooms, I am on course to getting a custom-made mold for my bad eye so the socket will be the same size and shape as the left. Of course, they have to open me up to fit that, so the same old story of drips, jabs, stitches, morphine, scars and so on; but it's surprising how positive a person can feel about getting surgery, in the right context. The doc said it might not get me 100% back to the way I was, but it will be an improvement. The fuck-off huge frankenstein plate in my eyebrow, with actual nails in it, will also be removed. Might be able to shut my eyelid normally after that.
Anyway. When counselling let me down, I had to fix myself up, and actually it was liberating to know I couldn't rely on the health service. I realised I had to do what I've always done and draw on my own personal strength and resources. I haven't felt anything like that low, since late December.
Maybe I'll update again when my eye gets sliced open once more but I wanted to report something positive, and to show that this thread genuinely helps people. |
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