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A joke to cheer everyone up. Mayhap, this could turn into a prolonged and merry joke thread...

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10:55 / 09.02.07

How do you turn a duck into a Folk Rock musician?

Put it in the oven till its bill withers.

11:25 / 09.02.07

Since when the fuck is Bill Withers folk-rock?

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

11:32 / 09.02.07

I always knew that as a Googie Withers joke. It sounded ruder, and didn't have any musical misclassification.

11:34 / 09.02.07

I wasn't gonna post that Jack, but, come to think of it, I'm glad you did

11:52 / 09.02.07

Surely the correct version of the joke is "how do you turn a duck into a soul musician?"

13:36 / 09.02.07

Perhaps. There was always a bit of confusion on my part that stopped me posting that before.

Having been properly chastised I shall now crawl into the corner and lick my wounds.

lord nuneaton savage

13:37 / 09.02.07

Hmmm, I've heard it as 'blues musician' as well, but, in common with a lot of black 60/70s artists, Mr Withers was a bit of a genre straddler. 'Folk', certainly, isn't far off the mark.

miss wonderstarr

13:46 / 09.02.07

The trouble with those blonde jokes is that you surely have to recognise some kind of truth in them to find them funny. The fact that they bear no resemblance to real life as I know it, and have no other redeeming features such as clever wordplay, makes them offensive to me as non-jokes before they're offensive for transporting me back to Gene Hunt's police station in 1973.

13:59 / 09.02.07

'Folk', certainly, isn't far off the mark.

Get the fuck outta Dodge. Just cos "Ain't No Sunshine" has an acoustic guitar on it, that doesn't make it "Let No Man Steal Your Thyme."

Bill Withers = R&B singer, solidly and identifiably. I like the joke—I've told it myself, and it kills with the right crowd—but fer fucksakes tell it right.

14:04 / 09.02.07

You know who was also a great folk singer? Nit Pickers.

MattShepherd: I WEDDED KALI!

14:07 / 09.02.07

So a 911 operator is at work one Sunday, and gets a call. A panicked voice on the other end of the line blurts out "I'm out duck hunting with my friend... I'm calling from my cell... we were just out here with our shotguns waiting and drinking some beer and he just clutched his chest and fell over. He's not breathing! My God, he's not breathing!"

The 911 operator swings right into action. "Sir," the operator says, "the first thing I need is for you to calm down. Can you calm down?"

There's a pause on the other end of the line. "Okay," the hunter says, his voice still quavering but more stable. "Okay, I'm trying to calm down."

"Good," says the 911 operator. "Now the next thing I need you to do is to go to your friend and make absolutely sure he's not breathing."

There's another pause at the other end of the line. Then the 911 operator hears the shattering BOOM of a shotgun going off.

A second later, the hunter comes back on the line. "Okay," he says, "now what?"

14:11 / 09.02.07

Fine.

Hey, how is Tim Booth covered in excrement like an Eskimo lutenist?

I don't know, how is Tim Booth covered in excrement like an Eskimo lutenist?

Cos they're both James Brown! Hahahahahahahahahahaha!

Uh... but James Brown wasn't an Eskimo, nor did he play the lute.

FASCIST!!!!

14:12 / 09.02.07

I HAVE A HEART CONDITION IF YOU DON'T LAUGH AT MY JOKE IT IS MURDER!!

14:18 / 09.02.07

Quasimodo is skulking in Notre Dame when suddenly he hears a voice.
"Hello?"

Intrigued, he peers out of the shadows to see a man with no arms walking towards him.

"What are you doing here?" He enquires gruffly.

"I have come to join you, my brother. I, like you, have been shunned for my grotesque appearance, and I, also like you, have sought solace in the noble art of campanology."

Quasimodo looks puzzled.
"Um, that's great, but if you don't mind my asking, how do you do it without arms?"
"That's easy, I have developed a technique!"
He goes over to the main bell, leans back and with one mighty wallop smashes the bell with his head.
CLLLANG
He turns to Quasimodo and smiles.
"There, what do you..."
Unfortunately he doesn't anticipate the back-swing and the bell hits him with huge force, knocking him right out of the window, where he falls to his death.
By the time Quasimodo has made it down to his mangled corpse a small crowd has gathered. He sheds a single tear.
One of them asks him "Quasimodo, who was this man?"
"I didn't know his name..." he replies, "But his face rang a bell..."

Closed for Business Time

14:34 / 09.02.07

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
...Governor George W. Bush

unheimlich manoeuvre

17:05 / 09.02.07

"I was reading the dictionary; I thought it was a poem about everything."

(Originally from Steven Wright though I heard Jack Dee say it on BBC Radio 4, Chain Reaction the other day.

18:58 / 09.02.07

johnleespider; a friend of mine has taken issue with your blonde jokes;

She said she'll rip out your heart if you do it again, ha ha.

22:44 / 09.02.07

You mean, you can see her too, Quantum?!?

02:35 / 10.02.07

So, this piece of string hops into a bar, jumps up on a stool, and says to the bartender, "Could I get a beer, please?"
The bartender says, "We don't serve string in this bar. I'm going to have to ask you to leave"
So the string leaves the bar, goes outside in the alley and writhes around on the ground for a while, getting all tangled and chafed and tied into a ball, then rolls back in.
It rolls up on the stool and says, "Could I get a beer, please?"
The bartender says, "Aren't you that string that came in here a few minutes ago?"
"No, I'm a frayed knot."

Even with the classic bar setting, you can tell the kids this one. And then segue into a meaningful conversation about prejudice!

All Acting Regiment

04:09 / 10.02.07

APOLOGIES FORE-OFFERED

Did you hear about the man who, after contracting leprosy from a freak reaction to bread yeast, found himself increasingly ostracised from society, and soon found himself short of friends and so very, very, alone?

"Leper!", kids would shout out after him. "Dirty leper!"

He tried to join a Church reading group, but to his dismay, this group of people (whom one might have considered to be traditionally in favour of loving the leper and hating the leprosy) treated him as badly as those outside, because he found himself totally incapable of making polite conversation, thanks to the unpleasantness he'd had to deal with - with the Vicar eventually asking him politely to leave and never come back.

At this point he decided to do something he had never done before. He would visit a prostitute and use their services. It was a dirty, selfish, hateful night, every ruck and thrust a spiteful two fingers flipped at the suffering innocent he had let himself become.

"I'm a leper!", he spat afterwards, convulsing in fits of harsh laughter. "I'm a fucking leper."

All Acting Regiment

04:09 / 10.02.07

Oh yeah, the point is the leper left the prostitute a tip.

lord nuneaton savage

07:43 / 10.02.07

Um, Jack, no-one called you a fascist, they called you a nit-picker.

Bit different.

17:16 / 11.02.07

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Do I have to spell it out? In this, of all threads, do I have to explain the principle of exaggeration for comic effect?

Irony's dead, and I don't feel so well myself.

17:27 / 11.02.07

yeah, jack, go on. explain it for us.
like a father to me, you are.

18:34 / 11.02.07

IRONY'S DEAD?!

What happened?! That's worrying! And you're ill now? Do you think it could be the same thing? God that's terrible!

Keep rested. Have some soup.

Don't overdo it.

21:47 / 11.02.07

Nietzsche: God is dead
Irony: So is Nietzsche

22:06 / 11.02.07

Oh yes, I know I am on Barbelith, but it's the JOKE THREAD!! My first dogpile in the fucking JOKE THREAD! Haaaa this is so funny!(wouldn't ya know I even find this funny) and to top it off I am a blonde myself so please forgive MY OWN BLONDE MOMENT!

OK, to all my fellow downtrodden blondes out there who are reeling in agony over my cruel and pointed remarks, I'M SO SORRY!

And what is wrong with cutting and pasting jokes? Fucked if I'm gunna sit here and retype them...

So I guess I was wrong? I was sure! I assumed that most if not all lithers would maybe realize that a joke is a joke. To make you laugh, put a smile on a face? If I were to read a joke, in a joke thread them immediately I would suspend ANY/ALL personal feelings about the subject matter of the joke and take the joke on face value.

Are you forced to read this? Are you trapped in a bed somewhere with your eyes forcibly peeled open? Use the scroll wheel then to go past my "shit" then.

I refuse to change my stance on Jokes.

22:08 / 11.02.07

Oop.

Watch yourself there, son.

22:23 / 11.02.07

Or what?

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the
background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists, two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job.

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same
instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Jake, Colossus of Clout

22:29 / 11.02.07

All questions of propriety aside, that joke's on page five.

22:30 / 11.02.07

Or what?

Just sayin'. You're making it a pretty big certainty that Barbelith will refuse to change it's opinion on you.

You can take whatever stance you want on jokes in your personal life. I might not like it, but what you do there is of no concern at all to anybody on this forum. You want to keep posting here though, you have to stick to the rules of the place. That's just decent fucking etiquette. They might be a little idiosyncratic in places, but they're there for a good reason.

You got shouted at. Suck it up or stop posting. This'll only go one way if you keep on, and it's not going to save you any face.

Less searchable M0rd4nt

22:52 / 11.02.07

I should probably come clean now and admit that I'm recording all this for my specialist website.

My first dogpile
Out now on the soon-to-be notorious MC-pr0n label! Innocent blonde Jonnie Spider thought ze was SAFE in the "friendly" Barbelith Joke Thread. Little did ze know the joke was on HIR!!! wikka-wakka-wow-wow-wikkity-wakkity-wowww-wooWWOOw

03:11 / 12.02.07

Don't forget the bit where iamus sez "suck it" --- oooo0000oooohhhhh.

PMing U my kredit kard detailz now.

07:51 / 12.02.07

He sheds a single tear. One of them asks him "Quasimodo, who was this man?"
"I didn't know his name..." he replies, "But his face rang a bell..."

When I was working in an office quite some time ago, taking phone calls from people asking for specific information, I once wrote down Mr Campanology on an info request log and asked several people if his name rang a bell. No one laughed. I was so bored.

08:26 / 12.02.07

Johnleespider sits next to a blonde on a plane and starts cracking blonde jokes. So confident in the idiocy of the yellow-headed is he that he makes a bet with the girl- he'll ask her a question, and if she gets it wrong she has to give him a dollar. She can ask him any question and if he gets it wrong, he'll give her a hundred dollars, and he is so confident he lets the girl go first.
"What has five eyes and goes 'twang'?" she poses. He wracks his brains, guesses a few times, she asks him if he gives up, he insists he will get it, she takes a nap as it's a long haul flight. For five hours johnleespider cogitates, and finally as they land he reluctantly wakes the blonde girl. "I give up!" he says, "Here's a hundred dollars! Now please, what has five eyes and goe's 'twang'?"
The blonde girl calmy takes the hundred dollars and gives him a dollar back, get's her hand luggage and gets off the plane.

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