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A joke to cheer everyone up. Mayhap, this could turn into a prolonged and merry joke thread...

  
  

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Baz Auckland
20:49 / 23.11.03
I like that last one, but I think it only works written down....
 
 
A
06:32 / 24.11.03
This one works best read out loud.

Q- What's the best thing about having sex with twenty four year olds?

A- There's twenty of them.
 
 
whisperingfist
11:21 / 24.11.03
Long and old joke:


There's an Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman, and they're all members of an elite S.A.S squad. In fact, so impressive are these three that their sergeant-major has grand plans to develop an even more elite super ninja S.A.S squad for saving presidents, fending off alien invasions and the like.

After completing rigorous physical and pstchological tests, their sergeant-major reveals the final and ultimate test of their loyalty. They are to walk alone into a darkened room, the sergeant-major will switch on the lights and they must shoot whoever is sat in front of them.

So, the Englishman psyches himself up and bursts into the room. Outside, the sergeant major flicks the lights. There is a long silence.......eventually the Englishman steps out of the room and says:

"Look Sarge, you know I would follow any order you give me, but you can't ask me to shoot my own mother."

The sergeant-major informs him his services are no longer required and kicks him out.

Next, the Scotsman prepares himself and bursts through the door. Outside the sergeant-major flicks on the lights and once again there is a long silence that is eventually broken by an incensed Scotsman who steams out the room and confronts the sergeant-major:

"Who the fuck do you think you are?!!! Asking me to shoot my three year old crippled daughter?!!! What kind of monster are you (ye)?!"

The sergeant-major politely informs him his services are no longer required and kicks him out.

Finally the Irishman gets his turn, he takes a mighty leap into the room. Outside the sergeant major flicks on the lights. There is a couple of shots! Then silence, then a couple more shots. Then, after another silence, there are sounds of muffled screams and a chair scraping about. Eventually, the Irishman, red faced and sweating, emerges from the room and says:

"Those bullets were blanks I had to strangle the cow!"
 
 
Eloi Tsabaoth
11:22 / 24.11.03
Here's one for all the scientists here.
A man is going into a pub and he notices it's called 'The Dog or Duck'.
When inside he says to the Landlord 'shouldn't it be The Dog and Duck?'
The landlord shakes his head and produces a nasty looking dog with a beak.
"Quark! Quark!" it goes.
"Don't worry sir" says the landlord, pulling off the dog's fake beak, "His quark is worse than his bite. This is a gluon."
 
 
Bill Posters
16:25 / 01.12.03
The Marines, the SAS, and the Metropolitan Police (Stateside: read the Marines, Delta Force, and the NYPD), who are all rivals, have challenged one another to a survival course to see who are the best. On the last day of the course the Instructor says he's taught them all they need to know, and they should now be fit to head off into the woods and catch themselves a rabbit. They are to skin and cook it, and then eat it, this being the final part of their survival test.

"Okay," he says to the SAS, "You guys go first." Almost immediately the SAS have melted into the darkness. There's deadly silence for a few moments... then a barely-audible 'phut-phut'... more silence... then suddenly the instructor feels a tap on his shoulder. Standing there are the SAS with a rabbit, cleanly killed by a double-tap to the back of the head.

"Very good," says the instructor, clearly impressed. "Okay, now it's the Marines' turn." The Marines put down their beers and porn mags, smudge on their camoflauge paint, grab their weapons and, with bloodcurdling cries, charge into the woods. There are shouts, shots, and bursts of flame for some five minutes. Then the bombardment ceases, the shouts get louder and the Marines crash back into view, one of them holding up a rather burned and bloody rabbit.

"Well, you got the job done," says the Instructor. "Okay, Police, your turn." And flat-footed, the Police stroll off into the woods, hands behind their backs. Soon there is silence. And apart from the odd burst of radio static, there is no sign of them for hours. Only just after midnight do they return, holding a creature which is most certainly not a rabbit.

"What the fuck d'you call this?", asks the instructor. "This isn't a rabbit, it's a fucking squirrel! I told you to get a rabbit! Go back and damn well get a rabbit!"

There's no sign of the Police for another few hours, and it's nearly dawn by the time they arrive back at the camp. "Well," says the Instructor, "I hope you've got your act together this time." He looks at the Police, and his face turns to thunder. "What the fuck do you call that?", he roars, looking at the battered, bloodied squirrel the Police have brought back with them. The Police shoot the wretched creature a menacing glance. "Alright, alright," sobs the petrified squirrel, "I'm a rabbit, I'm fucking rabbit!"
 
 
lyra67
20:57 / 01.12.03
What did Bob Marley say when his wife left him and took the TV?

No Woman no Sky!
 
 
akira
16:28 / 09.03.04
Married couple in bed reading, woman says to man "did you know that bulls can mate 365 days a year", "yes" replys the man, "but he doesnt have to sleep with the same cow every night".
 
 
Hieronymus
23:05 / 20.07.05
*bumpety glorious bump*
 
 
astrojax69
04:20 / 21.07.05
polar bear walks into a pub, gently puts down one huge mitt on the bar, then the other. looks around and says, 'hmmm, i'll have......

a bacardi....








and.....








...coke. no ice. thanks'



bartender says, 'why the big pause?'
 
 
astrojax69
04:25 / 21.07.05
groan...


ok ok,

baby polar bear trots up to its mother one day, tugs at her arm, says,
'mum, am i really a polar bear?

mum says, 'sure you are son, you're a polar bear'

'but am i really really a polar bear? i'm not a kodiak bear, or a brown bear am i?'

'no no,' mum reassures her offspring, 'you're a polar bear. go ask your father...'


baby polar bear trots up to its father, tugs at his arm, says,
'dad, am i really a polar bear?'

dad says, 'why of course son. you're my son, you're a polar bear.'

'but you're sure i'm a polar bear. i'm not a grizzly bear or a koala bear am i?'

'no son, you're a polar bear. why'd you ask?' inquires the father.

'...'cause i'm just so fuckin' cold!'




ok i've gone...
 
 
P. Horus Rhacoid
04:35 / 21.07.05
A man walks into a restaurant and orders eggs benedict, but makes an odd request: he wants it served on a hubcap. The waiter is a little weirded out by this, but he happens to know that there are several spare hubcaps sitting around the kitchen, and his manager told him always to try and accomodate his customers' wishes; and so he complies with the man's request, resolving not to give in and ask about it. However, while the man is eating, the waiter comes by the table and asks how everything is going. "Oh," says the man, "it's delicious. You know there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."
 
 
P. Horus Rhacoid
04:55 / 21.07.05
A young monk has just joined a monastary, and he is assigned to help an older monk in copying ancient texts, by hand. The young monk, however, notices that they are making copies of copies. He points out to the old monk that any mistakes in the original would have been made with every subsequent copy, with no way of knowing for sure. The old monk is skeptical, but to ease his young assistant's mind, he agrees to go find the original text and read through it to make sure.

He disappears for days. Worried for his elder's health, the young monk goes looking for him. Eventually the young monk finds him, head in his hands, weeping uncontrollably, an ancient book lying open before him. The young monk rushes to help him. "Father," he cries, throwing his arms around the old monk, "why do you weep?"

The old monk turns to him and looks at him through tearstained eyes. "Celebrate. The word is celebrate!"



/as opposed to celibate. Ah, to be raised Episcopalian.
 
 
Evil Scientist
11:21 / 22.02.06
An Englishman, Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them and says "Is this some kind of joke?"

Thank you, you're a lovely audiance.
 
 
Mistoffelees
11:37 / 22.02.06
If a woman is uncomfortable watching me wank, should she:

a) Get to know me better?

b) Stop being such a prude?

or

c) Find another seat on the bus?
 
 
Evil Scientist
11:45 / 22.02.06
Two atoms floating in the air.

One atom says "Christ! I've lost an electron!"

Other atom says "Are you sure?"

"Yes," says the first atom "I'm positive."
 
 
Dark side of the Moonfrog1
12:13 / 22.02.06
My current favourite joke...(Not sure if it works in written form but you get the drift...)

How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to change the lightbulb and the other to hold the penis... I mean mother! No, erm, I mean ladder...
 
 
Mistoffelees
12:25 / 22.02.06
Lightbulb jokes are nice.

How many Gardnerians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Can't say. It's oathbound

How many Bavarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
1 to hold the bulb, 60 to screw in the house.

How many Thelemites does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Crowley never wrote a book about it.
 
 
JOY NO WRY
12:30 / 22.02.06
Why are brown sugar cubes more expensive than white sugar cubes?









'COS DEMERARA
 
 
electric monk
12:52 / 22.02.06
A bear walks into a bar. Goes up to the bartender and says, "I'd like a beer." The bartender is, to say the least, confused. This is the first bear to come through his doors, and certainly the first talking one he's ever seen. Nonetheless, the bear doesn't seem to want to cause trouble, so the bartender decides to go ahead with the transaction and see how it all plays out. He pours the bear a beer and sets it down in front of him. The bear passes him a $10 bill.

As the bartender walks over to the cash register, he finds himself in another quandry. "Bears don't have any concept of money, do they?" he wonders. He feels fairly certain they don't and deposits the ten in its slot, taking only a lone $1 bill as change. He walks back and (rather nervously) lays the single on the bar in front of the bear. The bear pushes it amiably back his way; a tip for a job well done. The bartender shrugs, pockets the dollar, and goes on about his business.

The bear ends up staying a few hours and drinking about six beers. Each time the small ritual plays out. Each time the bartender becomes increasingly nervous about cheating the bear. Each time the bear remains docile and each time gives him a dollar tip. As the bear is finishing his sixth beer, the bartender comes up to him, leans on the bar, and says, "Y'know, we don't get many bears in here." The bear slowly lifts his head from his glass, looks the bartender straight in the eye, and says, "At nine dollars a beer, I can see why."
 
 
Saltation
15:21 / 22.02.06
A: Because it messes up the order in which people normally read text.
Q: Why is top-posting such a bad thing?
A: Top-posting.
Q: What is the most annoying thing on usenet and in e-mail?
 
 
Mourne Kransky
18:45 / 22.02.06
A man walks into a bar with a duck stuck on top of his head.

The barman says, "Good Lord, what happened to you?"

"Don't even go there," says the duck.
 
 
enrieb
18:57 / 22.02.06
Whats the difference between the White House and a hedgehog?


On a hedgehog the pricks are on the outside.
 
 
grant
19:21 / 22.02.06
Two atoms floating in the air.

One atom says "Christ! I've lost an electron!"

Other atom says "Are you sure?"

"Yes," says the first atom "I'm positive."

(said as breathlessly and fast as possible) :

OK, so this one E. coli comes into a bar and says to another E. coli, "I'm so thirsty, I could lick the outer membrane of an anthraxus bacillus!" and the other E. coli turns around and says, "Moo."
 
 
astrojax69
23:56 / 22.02.06
aww grant, that's too deep...

anyway, i thought e-coli was a sort of virtual dog... ['microbe come home'?]


[i'm there all week, ladies and germs...]
 
 
Saltation
00:55 / 23.02.06
[come by!]
 
 
Bard: One-Man Humaton Hoedown
02:18 / 23.02.06
(God this joke is old, I groan thinking about it)

There are these three construction workers: An Italian, a Mexican, and an American.

So one day they're sitting on the top of this half-finished 50-storey building, and they open their lunch boxes.

The Italian opens up his lunchbox and says: "Ah, mama mia! My'a wife's a'packed me spaghetti again! If I'a have ta eat'a spaghetti ONE'a more time, I'm'a gonna jump off dis building!"

The Mexican opens his lunchbox and says: "Matre Dios! My wife has given me tacos! If I she gives me tacos one more time I am going to jump off this building!"

The American opens his lunchbox and says: "Aw, damn! Not cheese sandwhiches again! If I get another goddamned cheese sandwhich, I'm gonna jump off this buildin'!"

So the next day comes, and they're opening their lunchboxes again. The Italian opens up his lunchbox and jumps off the building. The Mexican opens up his lunchbox and jumps off the building. The American opens up his lunchbox and jumps off the building.

At the funeral the wives are standing around talking. The Italian wife says: "Oh mama mia! My poor Mario! If he didn't want'a spaghetti no'a more he shoulda just asked for linguini or lasagna or something!"

The Mexican wife looks at her and says: "Oh my poor Enrique! If he did not want tacos he should have told me to make enchiladas or fajitas or something!"

The American wife just shakes her head: "Well I just don't understand it. John's made his lunch every day for 20 years. If he didn't like what he was eating...why didn't he just make something else?"
 
 
Benny the Ball
06:56 / 23.02.06
What's old and wrinkly and smells like ginger?

Fred Astair's face...

it's about the only joke that I can remember.
 
 
Mistoffelees
09:47 / 23.02.06
Ha, I know another version of that.

What is green and smells like pig?




Kermit´s finger.
 
 
Jub
09:53 / 23.02.06
disgraceful.
 
 
Ariadne
09:56 / 23.02.06
What's the fastest cake?

Scone
 
 
maryrosecook
11:47 / 23.02.06
*Warning. Sexist joke.*

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you've already told her twice.

Two lesbian vampires.
One says to the other, "See you next month."
 
 
Shrug
20:21 / 20.06.06
Two drums and a symbol fall off a cliff...

Ba dum bum tissshhh
 
 
Ex
20:27 / 20.06.06
Always nice to see the lesbian vampires, pollystark, but I think that if you have to stick up a sexism warning, this might not be the board to share whatever comes next. Spousal abuse - still shit, even with exemption asterisks.
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
20:34 / 20.06.06
Yeeeesss... I think that may be why this thread's been dead for a while.

Not to knock Shrug- that's a good joke.

(Incidentally, while we're on the subject, has anyone looked at the jokes section on Conflict's message board? Considering these are supposed to be fans of Conflict- CONFLICT, for fuck's sake- I've never seen such a load of misogynist, racist and homophobic shit in my entire life. I'd advise you not to read it, actually. There are a couple of real stormers in there, but it's really not worth wading through 50 pages of that shit to find them. Interestingly, the band have distanced themselves from that part of the site, but having set it up as being totally anti-censorship, they've kind of painted themselves into a corner. Perhaps a valuable lesson).
 
 
Shrug
20:55 / 20.06.06
Shit, I didn't even look at the last joke. I just remembered this thread from yonks ago. Sorry. Move pollystark's post for deletion?
 
  

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