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A joke to cheer everyone up. Mayhap, this could turn into a prolonged and merry joke thread...

  
  

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Bill Posters
15:36 / 09.03.03
Didja hear the one about the Buddhist and the Hotdog Vendor?

A Buddhist approaches a hotdog vendor and says: "Make me one with everything!"

But that's not all, see? Cos there's more! Do I give you value for money comedy or what?

So anyway, the Buddhist gives the vendor a $20 bill and waits. Finally he says: "Where's my change?"

Says the vendor: "All change must come from within."

Laugh? I was nearly Enlightened. 'Kay, whose next?
 
 
The Falcon
17:05 / 09.03.03
Bill, that's not even vaguely offensive. Do try harder.
 
 
Bill Posters
17:17 / 09.03.03
You mean, it's not even racist to Buddhists? It hasn't reduced any vegetarians to tears? Doesn't the crude penile symbolism inherent in the eminently phallomorphic 'hot dog' upset the feminists?

Damn.... damn, damn, damn.

* utterly crushed, Bill Posters skulks off *
 
 
Axel Lambert
18:22 / 09.03.03
"How many dadaists does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"Fish."
 
 
Char Aina
23:31 / 09.03.03
one of my favourites;


why are more people in glasgow rangers supporters than celtic supporters?




because its far easier when pissed to sing "fuck the pope" than "fuck the moderator of the combined assembly of the episcopalean church of scotland".
 
 
doglikesparky
06:55 / 10.03.03
There was also the one about the buddhist who refused an anasthetic at the dentist.
He wanted to transcend dental medication.





I'm so sorry.....
 
 
Tezcatlipoca
09:18 / 10.03.03
I'm so sorry.....

Indeed you are...
 
 
The Strobe
09:23 / 10.03.03
My local kebab shop does a burger with all twelve toppings on all at once.

It's called a Schoenburger.

I'll get my coat....
 
 
Cosmicjamas
19:22 / 10.03.03
The former member of the Conservative government, Nigel Lawson, has a daughter named Nigella who writes cookery books.

It's a good thing Salman Rushdie didn't have the same idea...
 
 
Ethan Hawke
19:27 / 10.03.03
Yesterday I bought some invisible tape, I think.
 
 
rakehell
21:25 / 10.03.03
My dog's got no nose.
'ow does 'e smell?
effing terrible!
 
 
Seth
21:41 / 10.03.03
Has anyone heard the Flying Monastery Joke?
 
 
Linus Dunce
22:05 / 10.03.03
OK, I will indulge you.

What's the Flying Monastery Joke?
 
 
Linus Dunce
22:38 / 10.03.03
One I heard on Radio 4 the other day, from memory, so apologies for the delivery:

So, I was in the back of a cab the other night, and the cabbie asked me if I had any hobbies. I said, "no, not really, what about you?"

"I keep bees," he said.

"Oh right, so you have hives for them in your back garden. That's nice."

"Oh no," he said, "I don't bother with all that. I just keep them in old jars. Throw in a couple of flower heads so they have some pollen to feed off, tie a bit of paper over the top, and they're fine."

"But you put some holes in the paper, right, so they can breathe?"

"Nah. Don't bother with that."

"But they've got no fresh air -- every animal needs a supply of oxygen to live. Don't they just die after a short while?"

"Well, yeah ... But it's only a hobby."
 
 
Goodness Gracious Meme
22:45 / 10.03.03
what d'you call a man with a spade on his head?
Doug

what d'you call a man without a spade on his head?
Douglas

what d'you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff

what d'you call a man with a bog on his head?
Pete
 
 
The Return Of Rothkoid
23:27 / 10.03.03
What do you call a one-legged woman?
Eileen.

What do you call a man with fifty rabbits in his arse?
Warren.
 
 
Bill Posters
00:03 / 11.03.03
We seem to have gone from offensive jokes to 'so bad they're good jokes'. Hmmm...

Q. What did the fish say when it swam into a brick wall?
A. Dam.

This next one only works in the UK and verbally (i.e. it won't make u laugh in text form, but have it anyway. Oh and practice saying it 'cos the pun is quite ahrd to put across.)

Q. Where does Saddham Hussein keep his cd's?
A. In Iraq. (Iraq... a rack? yeah?)

Okay, I'll go now.
 
 
Char Aina
00:25 / 11.03.03
whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?






the wheelchair!
 
 
Char Aina
00:27 / 11.03.03
how do you know when there is a drummer at the door?

the knocking keeps speeding up.

how do you know if it's the singer ?


he never knows when to come in.





does anyone know any about other members of the band?
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
00:40 / 11.03.03
Did you hear about the drummer who locked the keys in the van?

It took 'em four hours to get the bassist out.
 
 
Baz Auckland
02:12 / 11.03.03
Viola Jokes!

Maybe these are only funny to those who have known viola players or who have had to play with them, but they are great. Just insert 'drummer' or 'bassist' as needed otherwise.

What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

What's the difference between a viola and an onion?
No one cries when you cut up a viola.

How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?
The bow is moving.
 
 
Laughing
02:25 / 11.03.03
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?




"Where's my tractor?"
 
 
Rev. Orr
04:25 / 11.03.03
What's long, brown and sticky?



A Stick.



There are two sausages sizzling in a frying pan. One of them turns to his compatriot and says "I think the the thing that I regret the most is that I never wrote the great American novel". The other sausage looks at him in amazement and replies:

"Fuck me! A talking sausage".
 
 
Jack Denfeld
04:34 / 11.03.03
The surviving Beatles are putting out a new album. It's mostly drum n' bass.
 
 
Shrug
05:51 / 11.03.03
Why did the plane crash?

Because the pilot was a loaf of bread.

Why did Billy fall of the bike?

Because Billy was a fish.
 
 
A
06:31 / 11.03.03
Chap: "Doctor, my family thinks I'm crazy, just because I like sausages."

Doctor: "Well, that's ridiculous. I like sausages too."

Chap: "Really? Well you must come round to my place. I've got thousands."
 
 
Hattie's Kitchen
11:22 / 11.03.03
Did you hear about the dyslexic lesbian who walked into a bra?

Anyway...
 
 
Mourne Kransky
16:44 / 11.03.03
What's the difference between a carrier bag and Michael Jackson?

One's white, plastic, and dangerous for children to play with. The other one you put groceries in.
 
 
William Sack
16:56 / 11.03.03
Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic who choked on his own vimto?
 
 
pomegranate
17:32 / 11.03.03
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


Two. One to do it, and one to suck my dick!



*you can't be offended, cos I'm a feminist and I'm the one that told the joke!
 
 
Bill Posters
18:14 / 11.03.03
Q. How many gay men does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. "Oh never mind the bulb, darling, that shade has simply got to go!"

(See, that wasn't so bad was it?)


Q. Didja hear the one about the desperate junky who injected himself with curry powder?

A. He's in a khorma.
 
 
Goodness Gracious Meme
00:28 / 12.03.03
That second joke's against the Geneva convention, I'm sure.

Ugh.

To continue the standard:

How many Thought Police does it take to change a light bulb?

Light bulb?
 
 
Kit-Cat Club
00:54 / 12.03.03
[The only joke I know, pity me]

What's red and lies in the gutter?

A dead bus...
 
 
Bill Posters
01:08 / 12.03.03
A fairly involved philosophical joke:

Q. What's the difference between hard and light?
A. Eventually, I can get to sleep with a light on.

boom tish, etc.
 
 
A
01:24 / 12.03.03
What goes "boing, boing" and falls to pieces?
a leper on a pogo stick

What did the leper say to the prostitute?
"Keep the tip"

Why did the leper fail his driving test?
He left his foot on the clutch.

Why did the leper always lose at poker?
He kept throwing his hand in.


I was quite fond of leper jokes when i was a young'un.
 
  

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