Your All in trouble, I finally found my Joke Hard Drive!
Q: What's Green, 4 inches long and smells like Pork?
A: Kermit the frog's finger!
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Another Duck Joke
Duck walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Barman says, "Hey, you're a duck"
"Nothing wrong with your eyesight," observes the duck.
"Yeah, but I mean - you can TALK" says the barman.
"Guess your ears are fine, too," answers the duck. "Now, can I have a beer please."
Barman serves the duck a pint and asks him what he's doing in the area.
"Oh," says the duck. "I work on the building site over there.
We'll be here for a couple of weeks, and I'll be in each lunchtime for a pint."
And each day the duck waddles over from his job at the building site and has his lunchtime lager.
Next week, the circus comes to town on its annual round.
Circus owner comes in for a pint, and the barman tells him about the talking duck.
"You should get it into your circus," he says. "Make a lot of bucks out of a talking duck. I'll speak to him about it."
Following day, the duck comes in at lunchtime.
Barman says: "You know, the circus is in town, and yesterday I was chatting to the owner. He's very interested in you."
"Really?" says the duck.
"Yeah. You could make a lot of money there. I can fix it up for you easily."
"Hang on," said the duck. "You did say a CIRCUS, didn't you?"
"That's right."
"That's one of those tent things, isn't it? With a big pole in the middle?"
"Yeah!"
"That's canvas, isn't it?" said the duck.
"Of course," replied the barman, "I can get you a job there starting tomorrow. The circus owner's dead keen."
The duck looked very puzzled.
"What the fuck would he want with a plasterer?"
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Octopus is a bar
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus cannot play.
A guys walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. The guitar man pays up his $50.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. This guy pays up his $50.
Then a Scots man walks up with some bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look. "Ha" the Scot says. "Can ye nae plae it?" The octopus looks at him and says "Play it? I'm going to fuck it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off!!!"
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Another Blonde Moment
A blond walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blond assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blond.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."
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Software problem
Can anybody help me with this software problem? You might have a similar experience?
A couple of years ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking mates 4.2 which I'd used for years without any trouble. However there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 0.1, Football 2.0 and Playboy 6.1. Successive versions of Girlfriend have proved no better.
A shareware beta-programme, Party Girl 2.1 had many bugs and left Virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detect each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.
Sensing a way out I upgraded to Fiance 1.0 only to discover that this product has to be subsequently upgraded to Wife 1.0.
I did this largely because, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2000.
However I discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run.
For example, any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted; they then re-surfaced months later.
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail porn filter, and can, without warning, launch Photostrop and Whingezip.
These latter products have no help files and require you to try and guess the problem yourself. It also has an annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which can't be turned off.
Recently I've been tempted to try Mistress 2000 but there could be problems.
If Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000 it will delete all MS Money files before uninstalling itself.
Any ideas???
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Claim by Penis
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I am always using my head first
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime or shift penalties
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Response from Human Resources:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your assigned position, and often visit other areas
You take a lot of non-rostered breaks
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe OH&S measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits
You don't like working double shifts
You sometimes leave your assigned position before you have completed your work
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags!
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Blondevision
A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time: a brown curly wig, big baggy clothes, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she approached the salesman again and said, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
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Bear Hunting
Don was so excited to be going bear hunting. He spotted a small Brown Bear in the woods and shot it. Then there was a tap on his shoulder, he turned around to see a big Black Bear. The Black Bear said, "Don, you've got two choices, either I maul you to death or we have sex." Don decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks Don soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the Black Bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge Grizzly Bear was standing right next to him. The Grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake Don. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death, or we have rough sex." Again, Don thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it took several months before Don finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the Grizzly and shot it. He felt the sweet taste of revenge. But then there was a tap on his shoulder. Don turned round to find a giant Polar Bear standing there. The Polar Bear said, "Admit it Don, you don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"
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And Finally A Thought for the Day!
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
More on Monday, promise! |
