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The goddam Soho media cuntsniff who decided that what Yahoo! groups really needed today - a day when I'm trying to access the collective Yahoo site for my English PGCE course - was a frigging slow-downloading flash animated advert which consisted of nothing more than a bunch of flashing colours and yet which, because of the precise and intricate sequence of exactly which colours were supposed to flash, took geological time to load up on my dial-up connection, thus meaning that I eventually had to give up, switch off my damn internet, and come here to vent. Motherfucker! What a little twatbastard. And you just know that this shitmollusc came up with the idea at about 2:15 one afternoon, having dragged his scrawny, dressed-like-a-Blue-Peter-presenter's-idea-of-'hip' arse out of his fucking Norwegian pinewood futon not ten minutes before that point, while he was in his goddam polished-metal walk-in-shower bathroom wanking a dick shrivelled into quantum miniscularity from the charlie he'd been caning with his postironic waste of space mates the night before, and suddenly realised that oh shit! I had to come up with that fucking Yahoo ringtones idea today, didn't I? Oh, fuck it, I'll just tell them to put a bunch of flashing colours on to attract the proles' attention. It's just a fucking flash banner. No-one'll fucking care...
Well, that's where you're wrong, fucko! Because I care. Oh yes I do. I care enough to grow a jar full of botulism culture in my garden, Cities of the Red Night style, then infiltrate one of your goddam swanky meejacunt dinner parties and fucking spike all your frigging sweetchilliwank pasta and stir fry sauces with it. And your fucking wankbastard bedhead hair gel as well. And every other goddam liquid medium I can possibly find in your shitty, gentrified, fucking minimalist wankhole apartment. And I'll nick off with your tosspotting retro table-style pac-man game while you're at it, you Dazed-and-Confused-sucking imbecile!
And you could have avoided it all, too. All you had to do was not come up with that stupid advert. Why didn't you do that, Tarquin? Why didn't you do that?
Too late now though. Incoming! |
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