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Big Brother 2004

 
  

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Alex's Grandma
18:11 / 01.06.04
Oh yeah, Tracey Thorne + Swampy x Student Grant = Kitten.
 
 
Goodness Gracious Meme
22:26 / 01.06.04
Only marginally more maddening than predictable

Stu, Victor and Michelle share their "three in a bed" stories:

""...and I met this girl and she was loving my style. We just got talking and she told me how she's always wanted to get with ..."

whaddaya reckon, izzit a boy or a girl? or gasp, someone else?

answers on a postcard....
 
 
Ganesh
22:40 / 01.06.04
Well, yes, but let's be optimistic: given time, Victor may evolve into a double-celled organism.

Looks like some nice juicy conflict is firming up already. After talking with South Lanarkshire Spambo, it seems Ahmed worked up the courage to tell Marco he really pissed him off. The Screaming Fagbangle muttered briefly about feeling like a "perimeter" (?) then melted into the Weeping Fagbangle in the uterine confines of the Diary Room. Go, Somalian asylum-scum!

And, having been alerted to Nadia's laugh (which, previously, I was screening out, like the sound of Tube trains or the sensation of one's tongue), I now find it difficult to ignore. Weirdly, it makes me think of Jon Pertwee's Worzel Gummidge...
 
 
Whisky Priestess
22:50 / 01.06.04
Mummy, what's a fagbangle?

Is it a fag what acts like a bangle on ladies (boy arm candy?)

Is it a fag what's been bang(l)ed a lot?

OOH NO BETTER!

Is it a bracelet made of ciggies?
 
 
Ganesh
22:54 / 01.06.04
I suppose it's the fag/hag relationship as seen from the viewpoint of empowered female with asexual Gay Best Friend. Dale Winton would, for example, be just one of Cilla Black's collection of celebrity fagbangles.

Coined, fabulously, by Patsy Stone.
 
 
40%
06:47 / 02.06.04
Okay, I've just turned on and seen my first bit of BB coverage. And the first thing I hear is from Kitten (quoting as well as I can remember it):

"I think I'm going to go down the anarchist line, rather than the socialist, trying to bring people together line...I just need to do my own thing...I'm an autonomous individual...I do what I want, when I want...I'm not bound by social rules...Give me lots of attention"

It's just textbook stuff, isn't it? The textbook in question being "the Idiots guide to being an unimaginative teenager". Poor girl. I didn't think it could be quite that bad.
 
 
Sax
08:01 / 02.06.04
Being a vanilla whitebread non-leather-trouser-wearing resolutely-heterosexual-but-in-a-good-way Northern boy I have to ask, on behalf of all God-fearing folk everywhere: whither the normal people in BB5?

BB has always been top water-cooler fodder but I've noticed a marked apathy towards it so far, in my workplace at least. I suspect that for a lot of people this crew might just be a bit too, y'know, wacky and studenty. Where are the Craigs and the Sandys and the Anoushkas and what have you? Even Emma doesn't look High Street enough.
 
 
Ganesh
08:14 / 02.06.04
Don't you try to heteroppress me, Sax. I'm a lesbianarchist.

In my workplace, people got turned off by last year's bland Big Brother, and many simply haven't bothered to watch - so I don't think it's the gender/sexual kerrraziness that's the problem. I'm doing my best to spread the word.

Oh yeah, but there is a spirited debate going on amongst the Kirsty-from-(Re)Location-lovin' Office Dykes, about whether or not Kitten is a Good Thing. Consensus appears to be no, she's letting the side down with her imaginary dungarees.

On the subject of same-sex lurve action, Spambo - not content with having paraded his swollen bubble-butt around the house, baboon-style, for the last couple of days, gets Dan to lube him up. He's a big ol' bottom, that boy, in every sense; clearly gagging (albeit unconsciously) for a spot of global penetration...
 
 
Cat Chant
08:16 / 02.06.04
Quote that I want on a t-shirt (or to become a new banner for barbelith, as the first worthy successor to the Donnie Darko thing):

I need my deepness, but I also need my wackiness.

And:

It's like watching someone fight their way into a cage, lock the door, chuck the key out of reach, then demonstrate against the unfairness of their captivity.

exactly right - Kitten in the diary room, when Big Brother tells her that if she keeps breaking the rules she might have to leave: Well, there's nothing I can do about that, is there, if you want to chuck me out. It won't be the first place I've been chucked out of. I don't want to leave, I'm having a good time, but, you know, it's not up to me, is it? Gah. Fucking anarchists.
 
 
Cherry Bomb
09:49 / 02.06.04
I'm enjoying kitten's antics, but, probably for all the wrong reasons. She's fucking shit up! But I did think it was hilarious when she didn't get her suitcase.

Also thought liked victor informing kitten that " men like good-looking lesbians"

So much better than last year all ready!!
 
 
Ganesh
10:01 / 02.06.04
Yes, it's wonderful the way Victor comes out with these utter cliches as if he's the first person in the history of the world ever to make crass 'hur hur, lesbians = double the fun for me' comments directly to a lesbian. I thought Kitten dealt with that one fairly well, considering it was the sexuality equivalent of Emma's earnest "we call this the Quran" chat with Ahmed.

Oh yeah, and Big Sister = No-Girl.
 
 
Warewullf
11:22 / 02.06.04
Consensus appears to be no, she's letting the side down with her imaginary dungarees.


As soon as Kitten entered the house, I got a text message from my sister saying:
"Ah what the fuck! It's twats like her that give the rest of us a bad name!"

So, yeah, lesbians not loving the Kitten, as far as I can see.

(And, ew, as I was writing the first sentence, it almost came out as As soon as Kitten entered the Haus...)
 
 
DaveBCooper
12:07 / 02.06.04
Oh, and I’m drawn back in. Played video catch-up last night, and the following stray notions are my reactions.

Marco screaming did not add to my life.

Kitten is interesting to watch, though I doubt the veracity of a lot of her comments and the sincerity of her behaviour. The V-signing reminded me of a mix of Tracey Emin and Liam Gallagher, which is not necessarily a good thing.

But the most entertaining must be Victor, with his stuff about Nadia ‘checking him out’, apparently blissfully aware of the gender-reassigned truth. It’s like a sitcom set-up, hope the pay-off’s slow in coming.

And what exactly do they mean by the first evictee taking revenge, etc ? Is it going to end up like Ghostwatch or summat ?
 
 
adamswish
12:24 / 02.06.04
And what exactly do they mean by the first evictee taking revenge, etc ? Is it going to end up like Ghostwatch or summat ?

From what I've gathered from my limited viewing (protesting to much?) the first person who is kikcked out doesn't actually leave. They are spirited away to a "secret room" from where they can watch and mess with the remaining housemates.

Kind of like an assisstant to Big Brother I suppose.
 
 
Regrettable Juvenilia
12:25 / 02.06.04
Et tu, Jason!

So first Big Brother tempts him in the most evil way I've ever seen. Jason confesses his discomfort with some of the housemates' tendency to misbehave/rebel in the Diary room, and BB asks him calmly if he himself will go and collect the suitcases the rest of them have been hoarding. This strikes me as the first real example of BB being 'evil' this year, in that I thought this Diary room confessions were supposed to help the housemates get stuff off their chest, and not serve as a pretext for BB to manipulate them into obedience... Anyway, I thought Jason handled that quite well, presenting it as a general request from BB to the whole group, and casually suggesting they do it, thus avoiding conflict with Kitten etc...

But! Jason has obviously taken this as his cue to begin an insidious and SUBVERSIVE campaign against some of the other housemates. First he starts talking to Victor about the "harem" (hmmmff), and then he encourages Ahmed to "create conflict", which he promptly does!

Spambo is craftier than he looks.
 
 
Hattie's Kitchen
14:43 / 02.06.04
Could Kitten be any more of a lesbian cliche? I mean, fucking Bad Girls is her favourite TV programme...The following website is freely available to those wanting to engage in deep philosophical conversations with our favourite gormless anarchist...

http://www.gaydargirls.com/kitkitkit
 
 
Jub
15:25 / 02.06.04
Hey Marriche - did your mum work on this one too? I vaguely remember you saying she worked on BB4.
 
 
Alex's Grandma
15:39 / 02.06.04
Jason confesses his discomfort with some of the housemates tendency to misbehave...

I dunno, this looked more like a sulky boy's discomfort with the level of attention he's so far not getting. The subtext here being, never mind all this Big Sister shite, what about my " cheeks " ? All Big Brother did was pick up on this by vaguely playing on his delusions of leadership/down to earth common sense, then point the silly bastard in the right direction. And as far as trying to stir up trouble goes, which he now seems keen on doing, in his own witless way, if Jason wasn't such a braindead arse candle, if he'd ever actually watched this show, he'd surely know that shit-stirring never works out on Big Brother, because the voter at home can f***ing see what you're doing, you f***ing terminal c***.

Um... I grew up with guys like that, so I have to confess to a certain semi-irrational loathing here.
 
 
Ganesh
16:38 / 02.06.04
Was Jason shit-stirring? Wasn't he just advising Ahmed to express his dissatisfaction directly to Fagbangle rather than bitching about him behind his back "because that's what the viewers like"?
 
 
Regrettable Juvenilia
16:44 / 02.06.04
Argh. So Dermot just read a statement from Kitten's dad - so, not a tabloid fake - in which he explained the timeline of her university life etc could not possibly allow for her to have been a prostitute in East London at any time, and more damningly, revealed that she did write a high-scoring thesis on sex workers. I think this is enough to knock me back into the "she does more harm than good" boat, even though I think a lot of people who've reacted to her (all over the spectrum, from Chris Moyles to some of 'us') would react that way to anyone with feminist lefty pinko politics who went on BB. I could forgive her if I thought it was just a wind-up, but she used the story as an attempt to find common ground with Victor! "Ah, you're black. Therefore you must have once been poor! I was poor once! I was a prostitute! My pimp was black! Like you! WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON." Arrrrgggghhh. Is there a bigger or more damaging cliche than the idea that all lefty pinkos are posh-school drop-outs who lie about their background and pretend to be a Different Class? AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH.
 
 
Ganesh
16:55 / 02.06.04
Like I say, People's Poet. Or rather, People's Pseudo-Pimped Prostitute Poet.

I don't think it's her lefty pinko blah de blahness that makes her risible. It's a) the fact that she's such an apparently insightless stereotype of lesbianicity (in the way that Marco would be a stereotype of male homoescence if he wore more Prada), and b) the self-sabotaging perversity of very deliberately pissing on one's fishcakes (having fought long and hard for the pissing opportunity) then complaining about the taste.

I'd have empathised more if she'd given a fag a blow-job for a pack of men.
 
 
Alex's Grandma
17:00 / 02.06.04
Was Jason shit-stirring ?

Well I see what you mean, but advising the already self-confessed anti-gay Ahmed to openly " express his dissatisfaction " with the shrieking Fagbangle seems likely to cause way more trouble than any amount of back-biting. Trouble the South Lanarkshire arse-champ can always duck out of, since he was only advising " the honest approach. " Actually, perhaps he's not that stupid after all.
 
 
Ganesh
17:18 / 02.06.04
Well, I'm not sure that anyone in the house is especially aware of Ahmed's anti-gay feelings - and non-Caucasians are pretty thin on the ground in rural Scotland, so the Spamster wouldn't necessarily make the 'Muslim = probably homo-disapproving' connection.

But yeah, it may be that he's not just a pretty set of butt-cheeks.
 
 
Triplets
17:30 / 02.06.04
And what exactly do they mean by the first evictee taking revenge, etc ? Is it going to end up like Ghostwatch or summat ?

From what I've gathered from my limited viewing (protesting to much?) the first person who is kikcked out doesn't actually leave. They are spirited away to a "secret room" from where they can watch and mess with the remaining housemates.


So they become Magneto?
 
 
Warewullf
17:58 / 02.06.04
self-confessed anti-gay Ahmed

Whose best friend is, apparently, a lesbian. Methinks he overstated his anti-gayness for shock value and to be in with a better chance of standing out form the crowd and get noticed by producers.
Which worked.
 
 
Triplets
17:58 / 02.06.04
'Stuart, please report to the Danger Room'
 
 
Alex's Grandma
20:20 / 02.06.04
Triplets, this is serious stuff we're on about here. Face it, man, YOU NEED TO SORT OUT YOUR PRIORITIES.
 
 
cantankor
21:04 / 02.06.04
I think Jason was shit stirring - he was going on about it being a game to Ahmed and maybe he sees Ahmed as his main rival.
It did seem a bit weird how Ahmed just suddenly started shouting at Marco (cue impression of Marco greetin in the diary room!). I didn't see that coming.
Oh I love BB!!!!
 
 
Ganesh
21:25 / 02.06.04
I don't think it was intentional shit-stirring aimed at Ahmed, particularly; I think it's more likely that Jason's thought things through beforehand, has ideas on how best to approach Big Brother (have a gimmick; get involved in conflict situations thus ensuring the viewing public actually register you; try to look like Spam coated in barbecue sauce), and was advising Ahmed accordingly. Ahmed's got a tendency to hang back, and I think it was actually quite good advice (Marco's Diary Room weeping was hysterical and made Xoc and me, evil moxen that we are, laugh out loud). I'd been hoping he'd get involved in arguments about asylum-seekers, and it seems he finally has.

I suspect that, where the anti-gay stuff is concerned, the emphasis was selectively created by the production team rather than Ahmed himself. I expect they asked him a battery of questions, including some direct stuff about whether he liked being around gay people, and edited it to look like he'd voiced it as one of the pillars of his worldview.

Kitten's shaping up to be an enormous pain in Big Brother's arse - as I suspect she's been a pain in the arse in pretty much every institution in which she's ever been involved. On the one hand, she's eminently watchable, and probably the most 'water cooler' housemate so far; on the other, her persistent, deliberate pushing, pushing, pushing at even the simplest of boundaries is gonna lead to a standoff, sooner or later. I think she's likely to keep pushing until they're forced either to evict her or look like compromised twatbiscuits.

I'm guessing the whole 'two warnings' thing is an attempt on Big Brother's part to hang on until the nomination - when it's highly likely that Kitten will be voted out (I reckon that, while they're slightly in awe of her, the other housemates don't actually like Kitten very much) - in the hope that getting to spy on her housemates blah de blah will distract her from petty rule-breaking.

It won't.
 
 
Ganesh
21:29 / 02.06.04
Yay! Big Brother to evict a random housemate!

(Or, one suspects, pretend-evict them, spirit them away to the secret 'spy room' and let Kitten take the flak from the other housemates. Which'd be cool...)

Oh yeah, and hellooo again, Cantankor!
 
 
■
00:18 / 03.06.04
The more I watch, the more this looks like it's a big pile of sociological experiment balls.
There seem to be very few real people in there. Fagbangle is a fake, bandana boy is a fake, Emma ("what's that brothers and sisters song?" -It's MARRS you bint, but the producers are too coked up to realise you are too young to remember it...) likewise. They are there to test the others out. These I am pretty damn clear on.
The rest. Not sure yet.
The more I watch, the more I am convinced that Kitten Kwire (and, possibly, Ahmed and Victor) is the only non-actor in the bunch. She reacts realistically, even if that realism is kinda borderline [insert-psychosis-here].
I stick by my prediction of KK to win as the rest contractually cannot (being employees of Endemol).
 
 
Spatula Clarke
01:59 / 03.06.04
Every year...
 
 
Alex's Grandma
03:30 / 03.06.04
Well yes ERD, but what else you suggesting everyone does, now it's summer ? Go outside, or something ?
 
 
Ganesh
06:24 / 03.06.04
No, I think Kitten and Ahmed are actors, too. Everyone in there's an actor. I went to RADA with Victor, and Emma was on Casualty the other week, playing a woman with a gangrenous head.
 
 
Hattie's Kitchen
07:28 / 03.06.04
Oh, sweet nectar of the heavens...Marco's tearful "I feel so emotional" winge in the Diary Room is quite possibly the funniest thing I have seen on TV all year, however I find myself worrying about the mental stability of someone who goes into complete meltdown after being confronted over his behaviour towards Ahmed, unless of course he was doing his best Gwyneth Paltrow impression to tug at viewers' heartstrings - unlikely, judging by the laughter I could hear coming from various living rooms up my street last night...
 
  

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