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Underground > Film, TV & Theatre >

Big Brother 2004

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20:00 / 31.05.04

Christ, Ganesh, I thought I had a low opinion of the average Barbelither, but if you think that of all these people Stuart is the one who best fits that description, that's a whole new low...

Unclench those fists, Flyboy, and relaaax. I'm talking about the notional EveryBarbeloid to whom every been-here-five-minutes, but-you-guys-are-just-talking-about-it tinpot revolutionary appeals as a kindred spirit. Y'know, the individual who, tragically, is too, too clever to be understood by the sleeping sheep(le) around him. If we scratched Stuart's surface, we may even find he's in love with his best female friend who's on the eve of travelling to Mozambique to get married to an utter bastard who Stuart knows she doesn't love, because her shoulders always look a bit tense when they're snogging. Or perhaps he's already in love with Kitten.

Bet he's got a grrreat selection of iTunes, though.

And yes, I'm also impressed that Kitten seems to have sufficient insight to realise she's pissing people off, and has backed off accordingly on the voting 'revolution'. I suspect she's sealed her place in the Great British Consciousness, and is now unlikely to be voted out - unless she really unravels. Which remains a possibility.

20:32 / 31.05.04

Oh yeah, and talking of Stuart, is anyone else finding now finding him - sans Alice band, hair off his face, sporting discreetly-applied make-up - oddly sexy?

20:39 / 31.05.04

Oh my. They really need to stop that seal clapping thing. Now.

I love the suitcase revolution. You know it was actually Mr I'm So Clever Stuart's idea don't you? He came up with it when they were all in the bedroom colllecting their cases. Kitten has just taken it forward.

Kitten's quite cool in that she never says "We should do such and such," she always says, "We could."

And am I the only person who has a big problem with the vacant Michelle?

Just, you know, registering my interest here, and feeling glad that Barbelith always has a Big Brother thread. It makes me feel just a teeny bit less sad for having to watch it.

*Literally having to, I told my sister I'd ring her back because BB was on, which I am aware is the ultimate in needing to get out more. And which she kindly pointed out.

20:52 / 31.05.04

By the way, how easy do you think it would be to get a sex change on the NHS, break into the Big Brother house, shag the beautiful Daniel and then get the op reversed?

A possibility? Or not?

21:54 / 31.05.04

Or much more importantly: how to get a green and red tank top, a set of hair clippers and a set of thick black glasses to kitten...

22:09 / 31.05.04

Has anyone else been foolish enough to tune into Efourum, some sort of late-night Big Brother For Dullards discussion panel? Amazingly, it would appear it is possible to dumb Big Brother down yet further. The Most Irritating Presenter Since Vernon Sarpong describes Nadia as "a man in a dress", and some arsewipe model giggles at the probability that Dan and Marco will fall in love - because, obviously two gay men placed in a room together will not only rut like bonobos but fall in love with one another. Stupid fuckers.

And the question of whether the BBers have seen previous shows: there's certainly hints that they have ("windeypops" and other idiot lingo from past years, as well as group speculation on whether they'll all get careers in the meedja, etc.) but I suspect the generally narcissistic nature of this year's crop means they won't see anyone else's experiences as relevant to theirs.

Has Marco's voice ever broken? He annoys me more by the second.

Is it true that Kitten got herself kicked out of public school? The much-bandied phrase "she's had a really hard life" takes on a certain Brat Camp hue...

22:32 / 31.05.04

Kitten told Victor that she used to be a prostitute, "pimped by a black man when she was 16." (Her words not mine.)

I don't believe her. I don't know why and I can't justify it, I just don't. I think she's saying it to get a reaction.

Jesus, why am I such a bitch?

And someone needs to tell Jason to keep his clothes on. Does he not know that it's far more sexy to not reveal everything all in one go?

Marco annoys me more than any other housemate ever has in any series. Even more than Sada in series one, whom I met catching a train once. Her handbag? Her handbag was the microphone bag they used in the show. Just in case you didn't get that she was Sada from Big Brother, it had SADA on the side of it in big letters and the eye logo underneath.

Our conversation went like this:

Sada: Hello, I'm Sada from Big Brother. I need to catch this train more than all of you because I have to be on 'This Morning' this morning. Can I jump this (ticket) queue?

Me: I don't think you need to catch it more than me, because if I don't get this train I'll be fired. You'll just not be on telly.

Sada: Hello? Don't you think 'This Morning' is more important?

Me: No. Actually.

This is true.

22:40 / 31.05.04

Olulabelle, I salute you.

From the live coverage, it appears the group is dividing, as with previous years, into older and younger subgroups. Dunno where Dan, Ahmed, Jason et al. are at present, but we're left with cackling fuckwits daring each other to show their pants. Oooooh, edge-play!

And yes, Marco is annoying me excessively. I'd love to say it's because he appears to have been hand-picked to represent the gay male stereotype in the way that Kitten represents the stereotypical dyke - but I think it's a more visceral thing. No doubt I'm repulsed by my own Inner Sexless, Witless, Screaming Queen...

Suedey! SHOT FOR MEAT!

22:49 / 31.05.04

Marvellous tale!

I was wondering when that Kitten thing would come up, Olula.

I like that Victor responded to her saying that by at first saying "You want me to sort him out?" (something to that effect. But the little firing a gun motioning didn't really leave much to questioning)

And then the stupendous "So what's it like being a lesbian then? Emotional? I mean, no disrespect or nothin' but men don't mind lesbians as long as they're good looking."

Quotes aren't dead on due to a deficient memory. I'm going to start watching BB with a notepad.

22:54 / 31.05.04

Victor's gun-totin' gangsta routine is as stereotypical as Marco's vacuous shrieking and Kitten's Millie Tantery.

"What's it like being a lesbian?"

"Tastes like chicken..."

00:36 / 01.06.04

My favourite dialogue from today's coverage, ( as Kitten was about to head onto the roof ):

" You can't do that, this is a residential area. "

" What's a residential area ? "

I mean I could have misheard that, but I'd rather not think so.

And yes, who the fuck is that guy on Efourum ? Just the body language really, never mind what he's saying... You expect the contestants to be borderline insane, but the presenters as well ? It's worrying.

00:50 / 01.06.04

Well, no, I don't expect the contestants or the presenter to be borderline insane, in either a psychiatric or legal sense; if that were the case, they wouldn't be able to function adequately in either the Big Brother environment or that job of twitchily-loathsome panel discussion host. I do, however, expect them to be banally maaaaa-haaaaaaad, which is something altogether rather different.

But yes, he was an annoying clagnut of a man, leading a panel of simpering fuckholes (one of whom appeared to be there primarily to Be Fat), who made stupid, stupid misgeneralisations about the gender and/or sexuality of many of the contestants. Which is also to be expected, I guess. I don't think it'll become must-see television for me...

And - surprise! - Jason turns out to be a full-on exhibitionist. He apparently wandered around wearing nothing but a chef's apron, and subsequently blathered on about how he'd spent the whole night dreaming about exposing his Spammy arse again. I'd be really surprised if he'd actually shagged many people at all; I don't think he'd want or need a sexual partner to be much more than an audience.

01:41 / 01.06.04

Yeah, fair enough, " borderline insane " in the legal sense would be going a bit far, I meant that more in the Barrymore sense. It's a thin line arguably, but it's obviously there. But I still think there's something not quite right with that guy. Those blazing eyes, those " signature " hand gestures, that apparent disregard for what anyone watching might conceivably think - he should be IN the house really, that's where he belongs. Ideally, he'll be gassed on Efourum in about week 5, then wake up bewildered and stuck on the show, as in some sort of Will Self satirical trope.

Jason and his arse though - they do seem to have an unusual relationship. If he's not careful, when he's doing public appearances once Big Brother's over he's going to wind up in similar territory to the man who taught his own asshole to talk, dropping his Calvins in Mecca ballrooms to the jeers of the crowd, because no one remembers his face any more.

Um... I think, four days in, that the misanthropy may already be out of control...

11:05 / 01.06.04

My best line of dialogue? Michelle to Marco: 'Victor said that he wants to get to know me better'

Later, Victor to BB (because even Marco deserves friends where Victor doesn't): 'Michelle says she wants to get to know me better'

Yes, Victor. Obviously.

Also, I seem to remember the first Spanish BB involving everyone not nominating and thus everyone going up to the vote, every time. And Kitten may well leave as the first week is housemates only for that Revenge Room Idea of Shit. Also, people who vote in BB do tend to have an unfortunate habit of not being particularly self aware, and going for people they'd most hate to be around, thus not really getting why they watch the show. Weirdos.

11:13 / 01.06.04

I don't think he'd want or need a sexual partner to be much more than an audience.

I was thinking the same thing. He wouldn't have sex with someone, more at them, if ya know what I mean.

And yeah, the EForum thing. I suspected that'd be shite. BBLB is brilliant solely because of Dermot O'Leary. Adding another BB show is just milking it. I watched the first twelve seconds of it to be introduced to a nobody, a Model (WTF?!) and "Big Brother's biggest fan!" - a fatbeard.

Why the fuck should I care what these people think?

11:16 / 01.06.04

I like that Victor responded to her saying that by at first saying "You want me to sort him out?" (something to that effect. But the little firing a gun motioning didn't really leave much to questioning)

Please tell me he was being sarcastic. That'd then be the Best Reply Ever.

11:24 / 01.06.04

Kitten: " i gave a man a blow job for a packet of fags"

i dunno, that doesnt strike me as genuine at all, and if it is would it be the sort of thing you slip into a converstion after knowing someone for like a day?

and this "big sister" bollox is starting to annoy me, okay setting a fictional figure diametericly opposed to the big brother figure is kinda a clever idea, but geeez its a game show. i bet they wouldnt go on who wants to be a millonare and refuse to sit on the stool.

if kitten is so political being filmed all day everyday is a perfect platform to voice contriversial opinions and stage demonstrations and if she was doing that i would be all like fair play and stuff, but what does she do? climb on the roof and take a pillow into the bath.

Tryphena Absent

12:30 / 01.06.04

Yeah because obviously half an hour sitting opposite Tarrant in a chair is going to effect you as much as 10 weeks stuck in a house with a load of stupid rules and patriachal imagery. When you go on a gameshow you have to do everything they say, you have to follow the rules, you don't discuss the things you're not allowed to, oh no, and you shut up when a disembodied VOICE tells you to because... it tells you you're not allowed to talk about the only thing that will effect your environment.

That's a bit conformist and erm... dim, no?

I think it's okay to go in to an environment with the intention to disrupt it. Yes, I've seen people do it in a better way than Kitten is but BB is a pretty basic and immature programme and her approach fits just fine. Yeah she's a bit annoying but hell, if you've been watching the live feed and don't want to ring Nadia's neck than you're a saint.

Tryphena Absent

12:33 / 01.06.04

And what's the point of demonstrating about a world you have no contact with in the BB house? What's she meant to demonstrate about- troops in Iraq? They could all be withdrawn. Women's rights... but you don't even like the notion of Big Sister.

12:35 / 01.06.04

patriarchal imagery?

13:34 / 01.06.04

Big Brother the truth -

http://www.geocities.com/syspix/bigbrother5truth.html

There has already been rumours that Marco is one of the moles and indeed he is, "marco" is actually Mark lewston. Hes single, straight and an amature dramatics assistant teacher. Mark Lewston claims to have paranormal powers and on occasion has claimed to have the ability to morph his physical shape into that of a spiritual entity or even an animal.

Also from Popbitch -

'Marco' was standing alone by the statue
when his voice went up several octaves as he seemed to talk to it about direction from Dan and the need for a script update

Nice

14:25 / 01.06.04

If the statue's Big Brother's mode of communication, then t'would appear they're royally fucked.

As Pin said earlier, Kitten sounds great, in principle - and yeah, it's interesting to see just how far she'll be allowed to push things before boundaries are enforced. She's increasingly open about the fact that her motivations are primarily personal, oppositional ones:

"Do you have any idea how many rules have been continuously broken?" sniggered Victor. "They must be thinking 'What is wrong with this group?'"

When Marco observed that Big Brother didn't seem to care, Kitten reckoned they were just doing that to "p**s her off".

"I want them to be giving it loads and they're just like 'oh f*** it, ignore her.'" she said.

I don't think she's making any sort of statement here, really, beyond her own self-definition. Which is all well and good, but somewhat limited. It's like watching someone fight their way into a cage, lock the door, chuck the key out of reach, then demonstrate against the unfairness of their captivity.

And Marco, a mole? It's a delicious notion, certainly, and he does seem to be doing a lot of the gossipy stirring...

14:35 / 01.06.04

It would be nice if he was a mole, if he is they would have to admit it pretty soon as one of their twists people would get royally pissed off if they didn't.

Can't imagine its true thought, just BB conspiracy theories.

I love this thread, I've been reading other BB threads on other boards and it's nice to come back here to get some decent commentary.

14:38 / 01.06.04

Yes, I always love the Big Brother Barbe-threads.

And I love that link of yours, too, Bear. The histrionic 'my friends, we are being CHEATED!' tone is priceless...

14:48 / 01.06.04

Yup whoever created that site is a little over the top, I hope its true though and Macro is in fact a shapeshifter and decides to change himself into various animals.

Regrettable Juvenilia

14:48 / 01.06.04

"If you are not willing to accept the truth then I suggest you leave" + "THERE IS A SICK GAME BEING PLAYED" + picture of Marco altered so he has glowing red demonic eyes = absolutely CLASSIC. Do you see, sheeple, it iz the lizards!

14:55 / 01.06.04

He's not too hot with the facts either -

On the second or third night Marco was filmed walking into a bedroom (i dont know if it was the girls or boys room).

I think I'll to keep checking back to find out the TRUTH about this SICK GAME.

15:00 / 01.06.04

If my nonce-sniffing skills are up to scratch, it was the CHILDRENS' ROOM, and Marco's a SICK, dairy-pimping ANNUNAKI from Planet X.

15:35 / 01.06.04

I don't think Kitten truly is a lesbian. It's obviously a rejection of the patriarchal society that has abused and exploited her in the past.

Just looking at her profile she seems to be trying too hard to be like a lesbian.

What is your party trick?
I'm good on a skateboard. I can flip a beer mat on top of a glass, and I have a double-jointed thumb which I can bend right back.

Favourite movie, book or magazine?
Tipping the Velvet.

Cliched answers and what was that grotesque scene as she was entering the house all about if it wasn't just to emphasize her lesbian credentials.

16:33 / 01.06.04

Oh Marco, for shame...

I'd be more inclined to believe this theory if it wasn't for Marco's alleged background. I mean wouldn't someone who's liable to " change personalities " at the drop of a hat be a bit, well, unstable in this situation ? Unless, pretty clearly, that's what THEY want...

16:49 / 01.06.04

And what's the point of demonstrating about a world you have no contact with in the BB house?

because its on prime time television, for someone that lists her proffesion as political activist its a missed oppertunity. Unless acting like a spoilt five year old IS a statement about somthing or other.

17:02 / 01.06.04

Each time Kitten's decided to have a little rebellion I've had to switch off in frustration. It's just so completely pointless and pathetic - a waste of energy. Dude, you want to get political on BB's arse, do it with something worthwhile. You've got a fucking enormous audience - use them.

But no. "I don't like Big Brother's authoritarian stance." Waaaah.

17:14 / 01.06.04

Someone act shocked

ok the source material is the daily mail, so it might be a right-wing conspiracy to discredit the threat to the establishment kitten so clearly is but

i doubt it

17:35 / 01.06.04

Kitten's Dad: "There are frail elderly relatives who have had sheltered upbringings whose lives will be ruined by this."

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahhhh!

(Ahem.)

Kitten = People's Poet

18:09 / 01.06.04

It's hard to believe that the " frail elderly relatives " haven't heard a lot of this before, when Kitten's hit the bar at family gatherings though, innit ?

You can picture the scene:

" I was a prostitute ! I wanked off a man for a packet of fags ! I am the revolution, etc. "

" Yes dear. That's very nice. "

Still hope she stays in though.

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