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20:30 / 19.05.05

Morpheus: "Polar bears are swimming...for their lives."

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

11:40 / 20.05.05

They REALLY need to get Haus on board for this threatened Star Wars TV series...

I maintain the prequels would have been far better if Obi-Wan had throughout the whole thing been seething with jealousy that Qui-Gonn liked Anakin better, and, having repeatedly engineered situations in which Anakin was placed in life-threatening danger/ surrounded by naked ladies just before Yoda visits (cue force-enhanced Brian Rix farce)/ inexplicably dragged up on Wookie night, finally loses patience, betrays the cock out of him and knocks him into a stream of molten lava. This seems psychologically far more convincing than "they were animals... and I killed them... like animals.... which is to say, on reflection, that I behaved in an entirely proportionate fashion. Cup of tea, anyone?" At which point the hapless and utterly naive Anakin finally realises that Obi-Wan is, essentially, a piece of shit as big as the Ritz, and in fear of his life makes a deal with Palpatine in which, in exchange for pricey medical attention and 24-hour protection from the nutter, he slaughters the Younglings. Also the Weaslies. Obi-Wan, finally realising that he has really fucked the pig this time, flees to Anakin's home planet to hide out, because he is a halfwit, and spends several decades feeling like an enormous wanker and trying not to watch the news.

I'm Rick Jones, bitch

18:01 / 20.05.05

It's not as good as the old Digitiser scripts.

Which is what he was blatantly ripping off there. For shame.

Scrubb is on a downward spiral

19:42 / 23.05.05

From K/vn in the Star Wars Episode III thread(possible SPOILERS)
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When Darth Vader went "NOOOOOOOOOOO," corn actually started coming out of the screen. Pretty soon there were farmers in there, gathering up bushels of it to take to market. Just ears and ears of corn, a landslide of the ultimate in corn, TONS AND TONS AND TONS, SHIPLOADS OF CORN! Birds started swooping in and the farmers had to put up scarecrows. Guys came in and set up grills and were selling roasted corn on the cob for $1 each, no extra charge for butter! It took me ten minutes to dig my way out of the corn and get up when the movie was over. And still corn was just shooting out of the screen, whole ears hitting people in the head and knocking them senseless. Corn, corn, corn, I've never seen so much corn in my life. They were loading it on trucks, bushel after bushel of fresh Skywalker corn. Which I now realize is what they grow on the Skywalker Ranch. All the while the movie was still going on, but nobody could see it, smothered as we were, in a rising tide of corn. Acres and acres and acres of corn.

20:16 / 24.05.05

Flyboy, from the V for Vendetta thread:

Done up like a trollop.

Portmans forming like Voltron.

Eggy in a basket.

(This thread truly blesses us all.)

13:00 / 25.05.05

I used to hitch all the time when I was signing on. I stopped after a particularly disastrous two-day (TWO FUCKING DAYS!!!) journey back to London from a Bowie gig in Exeter, accompanied by a friend with a large bag of amphetamines. First we were so trashed we got lost (ending up spending a night at Severn View services, from which we could SEE WALES and realised we were lost),

sorry Stoatster, but that's the funniest image you have ever counjured up in my mind: the look on yr face when you realise that a simple jaunt from Exeter to London has taken you to... Wales!! (And at the risk of sounding slightly sanctimonious, possibly stopping getting that drugfucked might have been as good a solution as stopping hitching?!)

Tryphena Absent

21:54 / 25.05.05

Love and sex are a lost art

Aah Morpheus I understand your nostalgia for days past. I presume you can remember a time, a past life perhaps, when people made beautiful love- girls worshipping the gods while their virginity was sacrificed? Or perhaps you're talking about the kama sutra, I'm sure all peasants could get hold of a copy. That wonderful time before toilets and central heating, when people had baths once a month and died early deaths. But it was okay because sex was an art.

I'm Rick Jones, bitch

23:51 / 25.05.05

Bit reactionary there, surely?

Tryphena Absent

00:01 / 26.05.05

Well Sandra, I feel that there are things in the world that should be obvious to the sane among us and that it is easier and indeed happier to be alive in 2005 than, say, 1905 or any earlier date is one of those things. And the notion that sex was any different for the average person than it was is pretty laughable to me- oh wait, feminism, that probably helped a touch. An art, an art for who? In what society? Hey, that's on topic... hello the Head Shop!

08:48 / 26.05.05

Yeah, lions are so boring, aren't they? I see them in the street every day. Pah. I think they should use CGI to make it look as if Aslan is on fire.

And he should have a lightsabre.

Flyboy from the Narnia thread.

12:34 / 26.05.05

Z.deScathach:

Now if you are in a relationship with another magick worker, that can open up a whole nuther can of worms...

cue to The Lucy Show: Ricky walks in

"LUUUUCCCCYYYY!!!!!! What?! You did not banish?! What were you thinking?! There are THINGS in here!!!!!!! There is a spirit in de closet!!!!!"

THINGS!!!

The resistable rise of Reidcourchie

13:10 / 27.05.05

This from Lepidopteran in the NIN With Teeth thread is, I think, the single best bit of music journalism I have ever read:

"I brought the album home yesterday (after hurting myself with it on the car stereo the whole way) and put it on for my wife to hear. My little two-year-old son decided immediately that he liked All the Love in the World, and started doing his floppy side-to-side baby dance, but with a few new moves thrown in. When You Know What You Are started, though, he looked up at the stereo and bounced experimentally a couple times, then turned and walked off into his bedroom - we figured it was a little much for him. A minute later, though, he returns with his tambourine for more jangly baby-dancing! I guess he decided it just needed his special touch."

Lepidopteran could you ask your son to review Isis' Panopticon, in fact could we have a thread where Lepidopteran's son reviews music. It'll cut down on bickering in the music forum and I am prepared to make all future choices as to what music I buy based of Lepidopteran's son's reccomendations.

Why do I get the feeling I'll be buying Hee-Haw sings the blues in the not to distant future?

15:10 / 27.05.05

Next up Baby Lepidopteran reviews Wolf Eyes!

15:56 / 27.05.05

I suspect his children are imaginary. And as for the wives....

The resistable rise of Reidcourchie

17:38 / 27.05.05

Who cares, that was a good review!

19:25 / 28.05.05

And the first Barbequote from Ganesh in this year's BB thread, on his reaction to the news that the two BB-bi-sexual girls reacted positively to the suggestion of a three-way snog with a boy:

Be still my beating ennui.

11:09 / 29.05.05

sometimes barbelith is dull, but sometimes you get

Does anyone else think that there is possibly some grain of truth to the idea that Jesus did not die on the cross but instead traveled way up north to teach kung-fu to the Vikings?

10:42 / 31.05.05

More joy from the BB thread (from Bizunth) :

If I met Kamal in person he'd annoy the follicles out of me, but compared to the other's he's like John Peel handing me a big mug of cocoa.

Lovely, lovely image (the John Peel one, obviously...)

11:31 / 31.05.05

My clumsy fumblings are nothing compared to the deft Fingersmith we call The Fly-Boy:

Apparently Mary has said she would like to "put [Science] in the sack". I can only hope she then added "together with a snake, a dog and a monkey, and throw the sack into a canal."

15:50 / 31.05.05

Reidcourchie:

I think that we should have a Barbelith field trip to investigate frog genitalia to ensure that they are being properly represented by Crazy Frog.

Please can we? Please? I can just see us striding through the fields in search of frog-inhabited ponds, Flyboy with a butterfly net and a huge moustache and Kit-Kat with the tiffin tin (or should that be the other way round?)

The resistable rise of Reidcourchie

07:16 / 01.06.05

Deva I find it somehow comforting that your Frog Cock fantasies involve Flyboy (though god know what Uncle Freud would make of it all), anyone for Barbelith/Crazy Frog Slash?

Whisky Priestess

09:29 / 01.06.05

Takes a Frog to catch a Fly, doncherknow, not the other way around ...

08:39 / 06.06.05

alejandrodelloco sans pants:

"First you insult me by soliciting me for drugs, then you deliberately hurt my feelings by littering."

hehehe. That has enlivened a miserable Monday morning.

16:50 / 10.06.05

Jack Fear: Jesus FUCK, Denfeld—you "might be homeless soon" and your greatest concern is how you're gonna get your fucking MAIL?!?

WHERE are your fucking PRIORITIES, boy?

Meludreen: Well how's he going to tell if he's won a house?

Perfect.

18:19 / 11.06.05

Alex on Sugar Rush:

I liked the Channel 4 helpline at the end of it though, for people who identified with some of the issues raised in the show -

'Hi, Channel 4 ? I just feel so... so unconvincing somehow... I've tried everything to get their attention, but they still think I'm boring, the people at school.'

21:23 / 11.06.05

when there's a really big storm a giant dragon shaped like a killerwhale appears out of its centre and eats people who bore me.

Nina's so smart.

09:43 / 13.06.05

Ze's got style, Ze's got grace, Ze's a winner...

I'd vote for Morpheus to go on "What Not to Think", where Ganesh and Xoc visit him in his pit, take the piss and them remove his copy of 'Matrix Warrior' and force him to read something more wholesome, like Mallory Towers or something.

Ze's The Lady!

09:45 / 13.06.05

heh.
i was coming here to quote that.
'What Not To Think' would be a brilliant TeeVee show.

ONLY NICE THINGS

09:51 / 13.06.05

('But Oi di'n't write the script !' you can picture something resembling a cross between a crow, a wardrobe and a bottle of gin wailing after midnight on the beach in Brighton - fans of the writers MR James and HP Lovecraft may be able to picture the scene - but it seems as if this time she's gone too far. )

Alex again, showing the only acceptable way to nail Julie Burchill not involving a preposition.

paranoidwriter waves hello

23:31 / 13.06.05

From the "Michael ... (we musn't say his name) ... Verdict" thread: Smoothly; nobly, selflessly, and well, smoothly sacrificing Hirself to Irony to remind us all about Reality.

"Ah. Breaking News: Massive earthquake in Chile. I wonder what kind of coverage that's going to get."

I needed that. Thanks Smoothly.

Tom Tit's Tot: A Girl!

20:54 / 14.06.05

Loomis on his neighbours:

And once they were having a big shouting match: YOU'RE A FUCKING JUNKY! NO I'M NOT! YES YOU FUCKING ARE YOU'RE A JUNKY! I'M NOT A JUNKY!!! I was half asleep and I thought he was calling her a donkey.

I nearly pissed myself. "YOU'RE A FUCKING DONKEY!"

12:46 / 15.06.05

Haus, of course:

I knew a fellow who was passionate once. Passionate about bees. Loved bees. Kept hives of 'em. Made honey. And do you know the interesting thing about him? He knew a lot about bees. Ask him a question about bees, he would give you an answer, and if he didn't know the answer he wouldn't sulk, but would go and find out the answer, because he was genuinely interested in bees. If somebody corrected a misapprehension he held about bees, he didn't fly into a strop and accuse his interlocutor of being hung up on the facts and not ready to follow his gut on the bee issues. He listened, thought, researched, disagreed, discussed and learned. Because he was passionate about bees. Not about his image as somebody who was passionate about bees. He didn't care whether people thought "Gosh, he's like King Bee-passion" as he passed them by. He didn't want everyone to realise that he and he alone truly understood bees, and he didn't really care whether or not people thought about him at all. He just liked talking about bees.

12:55 / 15.06.05

King Bee-Passion would be a great ficsuit. Somebody get on that.

Goodness Gracious Meme

14:43 / 15.06.05

sentimentity makes a very good point and has me rolling on the floor helpless with laughter. Long, and thoroughly worth it:

A completely unrelated tangent: I had a nightmare last night. I was trying to explain heterosexual intercourse to someone who had never had any. But zie had experienced something zie considered to be related-- although a virgin hirself, zie had once spent a few months pimping a string of prostitutes, in order to learn more about sex. Zie had come to the insightful conclusion that all heterosexual intercourse is brutal, uncaring rape. I kept trying to explain that what people get up to commercially is very different from what people choose to do in their own bedrooms and with people they have an emotional, rather than economic, attachment to. But the person I was talking to turned into a vacuum (by which I mean hir head collapsed and created a vacuum of the sort that nature abhors, not of the sort that people in khakis come to your door to sell you) and began sucking all life and joy out of the entire universe, and I awoke strangling my pillow and shouting "I am perfectly able to process metaphor! You don't seem to know the difference between metaphor and reality!" How very strange. Perhaps I should get over to Temple and see if it portends doom.

paranoidwriter waves hello

19:33 / 15.06.05

This made my day. From "The One who's name we must not speak".... here.

(Note: full original text not included here, so as to not blaspheme and, well, for other obvious reasons....Eh? What do mean, "I'm making it worse"?.... Oh s**t, yeah...."Doh!"... Oh well, it's too late now anyway....)

"doo-doo heads" that really jerked my Silly! Praise Him, Praise Him!

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