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The miserable thread

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Essential Dazzler

22:45 / 22.06.08

FORUM: Conversation

THREAD TOPIC: Paperback memoir blurbs of your life

ABSTRACT: quotes or blurbs from the back of books that speak to you

POST CONTENTS: "It happened this way: I fell in love and then, because the love was ruining everything I cared about, I had to fall out" Caroline Knapp - Drinking, a love story.

REASONS FOR NOT POSTING: well, it's a little bit specific isn't it. And the threads you didn't post thread went septic and I felt uncomfortable about bumping it.

22:57 / 22.06.08

Can't you start a new "threads you didn't post" thread?

Like "son of threads you didn't post" or something?

23:14 / 22.06.08

Jeez, now I'm miserable that so many people responded with kind words to my miserable post and I took this long to respond.

Sorry guys.

Where do you want to be?

That's a good question. I guess I thought I'd have a house, a career I enjoyed, a dog, a long-term relationship with someone whose problems aren't bigger than mine, etc.

Nothing specific. Which, come to think of it, is precisely the problem.

Wow.

In which case you must have a higher degree - a Master's or a doctorate, right? Surely that's a good start?

Nah, I took a couple of years off, so it's just a Bachelor's.

In Studio Art, no less. Which is another part of the problem.

02:48 / 24.06.08

Well, the dog part would be easy. I mean, to start with. Maintaining dogs is kind of work, and kind of not, because they make you think it's all favors.

11:39 / 24.06.08

The dog part has to come after the house part, or at least the dog-friendly-apartment part, anyway.

Funny, I was thinking about how my current life would look to me if I was ten years old. Ten-year-old-me would be all like, "Wow! You have your own place and a computer and a cell phone! You have friends and go on dates! Your drawings were published in a book! You have a pet snake! What's that? An Ipod? A little thingie that plays music and holds 2000 songs? That's so cool!"

Counting my blessings is the key I think.

Whisky Priestess

12:25 / 24.06.08

I really think that the 10-year-old me would be wowed by our science-fiction future, but distinctly unimpressed that I STILL haven't published my first novel - or, alternatively, become either an astronaut or a private detective.

13:28 / 24.06.08

I've actually been grappling with the fact that my 10-year-old self would be *very* impressed with what I do for a living. I just don't make enough doing it to actually call it a living....

Essential Dazzler

16:00 / 26.06.08

Good friends of mine just lost their first child.

No words really, just a shitty, shitty thing to happen to someone.

16:37 / 26.06.08

. That's rubbish. As you say, no words really.

21:01 / 26.06.08

Oh, how awful

01:20 / 29.06.08

My sister chewed down a few too many paracets tonight (on purpose unfortunately) and I just got back from the hospital. I feel like shit. Appearantly she's had an eating disorder for a while now and on top of that, a really shitty school year. Sadly, the only way she could tell us about these problems was by doing this. I feel like I should've talked to her before, I've been kind of suspicious, but she's a smart girl and I didn't want to be a dick to her, just because she's kind of thin. My parents seemed to handle it just fine. We are all glad to be able to help her with her problems now, but it really makes you feel like shit, regardless. I made her promise she won't do anything like that again, at least not until after we've gone to that Neil Young gig (hey, gallows humour).
What worries me the most is that she seemed so eager to talk to a psychiatrist and try to fix what's wrong, but while I was talking to her, I kept thinking: If I felt like shit after trying to kill myself in a last ditch attempt to get help, I would hide under my smiles-and-jokes mask. I'm really fucking worried.

18:18 / 29.06.08

Well, at least now you know that there's a problem and you know that she wants help so you don't have to worry overmuch about coming across as a dick and just be there to help. And by helping her now you might just be able to allay some of that guilt you feel for not being able to help her before. You might could make both your lives that little bit better.

And what's more I live in a fairy-land world of make believe full of flowers and elves and magical frogs in funny little hats. So I don't know how much my advice is worth.

Kali, Queen of Kitteh

19:12 / 12.07.08

I think my family just disowned me.

19:55 / 12.07.08

Sweet Jesus!

Please tell me that was just hyperbole, dearheart.

19:57 / 12.07.08

Here's hoping as well. Why on Earth would they do such a thing?

19:59 / 12.07.08

If she lives in an American state as far south as I do then there are actually a number of viable reasons.

Yipes.

20:22 / 12.07.08

Congratulations! Now you don't have to deal with their crap anymore. I found being disowned was a blessing in disguise.

20:25 / 12.07.08

Let´s hope your family and you can solve whatever differences there are.

And is disheritance even possible where your family lives? Here, you get at least half of what you were supposed to get. Maybe this link about Legitime might be useful.

22:35 / 12.07.08

the u.s. isn't really so big on legitime, so far as I know...

Kali, Queen of Kitteh

03:34 / 14.07.08

Here's why I think this is has possibly occurred:

My parents divorced when I was young. My dad left my mom. And that was that. My dad remarried soon after to a woman whom proved to be a shrew to my sister forever...nearly. She was always unkind to us and now as she gets older and realizes her husband (my father) does not care for her (he refuses to divorce as she has a hand in his substantial monies), she wants to "buddy up" to my sister and I. She has attempted it so many times in the past five years.

My mother, on the other hand, remarried a few years--in the same timeline with my dad's remarriage--an amazing cool man whom my sister and I actually consider my dad more than said real Dad. They've had a shitload of bad luck. But they've put on the brave face and persevered. My stepdad has Parkinson's. It has broken our hearts, yet we march on and tell everyone "Fuck you, if you can't deal with a fantastic handicapped person."

Sad.

I am not sure, but there something medically wrong with me. It's not right; and I don't wish to get into a somewhat public discussion about it. I called Bad Dad about helping me pay for it and my mom found out about it and decided that I was a traitor and a liar. Mind you, my parents--both birth ones--never ever ever fought or were ugly. They actually talk and get along. The parents I deeply love and have been my guiding light--Mom and Jack---think I am terrible because I asked a second set of parents for money for possible medical bills. I didn't want to ask them because they have so little for their own, I didn't want to burden them.

So tell me, beloved Barbelith: how do I make amends and apologies for those I do so dearly love?

07:42 / 14.07.08

No chance, they're actually more upset about the possibility there's something risky/bad/sad going on with you, medically, and just channeling it over to the monetary?

Just be honest about the money end, and try to involve them as much as you can, otherwise. And an honest reminder to them that you love them rarely hurts more than it helps.

And good luck and much prayers for you, Kali. Here's hoping you turn out fine or it's something that can be readily taken care of with modern medical science, On the cheap-end, while it's hope (doesn't cost to hope for cheaper miracles).

Our Lady Has Left the Building

09:44 / 14.07.08

Can you contact them via a third-party relative to find out what the situation really is?

ONLY NICE THINGS

11:39 / 14.07.08

Condolences, Kali - that does all sound thoroughly beastly. As one less thing to worry about, trying to sound them out through a third party and see if this is an easy one to resolve might be a good idea. It's possible that, faced with the sudden information that their daughter was seeking assistance for an undefined ailment sufficiently serious that she was looking for help from the bad parent, they just freaked out and loaded their freakout into the wrong cannon, as it were.

Best of British, in any case.

13:16 / 14.07.08

Man, get well soon, Kali!

17:36 / 15.07.08

I'm just generally miserable at the moment, and feeling increasingly miserable about feeling miserable. One of those 'can't catch a break' miserables.

Like, today. I've been included in a job evaluation procedure that's being ongoing throughout the place I work for the last two, three years, and the results finally came out today. My letter tells me that the job evaluation people have decided that the work I do and the position I hold equates to grade X. That's one page of the letter. The other page tells me that the grade I've been moved onto is grade X-1. No explanation as to why. The difference? £2k a year. That's a huge amount, relative to what I'm getting.

So what I've got is official confirmation that I'm being underpaid and that it's been decided that I will continue to be underpaid. And I have absolutely no idea how they can get away with doing that, but the fact of the matter is that they've done the same thing to a lot of people. If I want to query it or complain about it, I have to request re-evaluation. Which could be another two and a half years.

Which then makes me start thinking about how much better off I'd have been if I'd ever managed to get a job after completing my degree, which then makes me think on how the degree was a complete waste of three and a half years, which then makes me think about how I might as well stayed working in a fucking supermarket, because I'd have been on a better salary there by this point in time than I am now, in a far more involved job.

It's just all really shit, made shittier by not having a fucking clue how I even go about starting to turn things around.

The self-pity evident in this post makes me miserable, too.

17:45 / 15.07.08

That sucks, dude. Work is so horrible in so many ways. But you can change it! My professional life totally fell apart about 4 years ago, and I moped and complained and freeloaded for a while--I was awful--but then I made a plan, made some decisions, and got some help. Now I have a profession and a job now that I love, even though it's not perfect.

Don't worry about the self-pity. You'll get past it.

17:46 / 15.07.08

Hey Randy,
Dunno what you studied, dunno what you do: I can promise you that it will all look good on a resume...
For the time being, nod, smile and cash your paycheque. In your spare time make the most kick-ass CV you can and get it out there...

19:35 / 15.07.08

Set fire to the building.

I am not joking.

20:24 / 16.07.08

You know what the problem is, though? I fucking love that job. I just can't afford to stay in it for much longer.

Is shit.

00:28 / 17.07.08

Tell me about it.

22:30 / 19.07.08

Well Randy, I think the question here isn't so much "why didn't I stay with the supermarket?" as it is "why the fuck aren't I making a living from games journalism?". I've rarely seen a case where it's quite as obvious what somebody should be doing, but ain't.

I mean, I could go solely from your contributions on Barbelith as to why that should be the right course, but you've had substantial articles published in Edge...

...forfucksake...

...before, which had you over the fucking moon at the thought. Regardless of how that's been going of late (and I've no talked to you really, since you were trying to pin down that Metal Arms article), that's the silver bullet-point any aspiring games journo would fucking kill for on their CV. I'd wager that's why you're not feeling the best jobwise at this moment in time.

If I were you, I'd be plying Kotaku, Kikizo and the like for a staff writer position, fitting it around your day-job and working up from there, which I really wouldn't expect to take very long at all, based on how interestingly and intelligently I know you can speak on the subject.

I don't know the full situation, so this may be a gross dismissal of your current efforts, but it seems kind of plain to me cause I see this all the time and fucking hate it every time I do.

Work with your passion, man. Make money from having fun. Everything gets easier and easier from the point on that you realise that playing and working can be the same thing.

19:16 / 30.07.08

Well, at least now you know that there's a problem and you know that she wants help so you don't have to worry overmuch about coming across as a dick and just be there to help. And by helping her now you might just be able to allay some of that guilt you feel for not being able to help her before. You might could make both your lives that little bit better.

And what's more I live in a fairy-land world of make believe full of flowers and elves and magical frogs in funny little hats. So I don't know how much my advice is worth.

Yeah, it's been going in that direction lately, although I still worry, of course. She just told me she's been cutting herself up the past six years, so I guess she knows she can talk to me about that stuff. Only problem is, I feel the same way about my advice to her. I don't know shit about it. No history of any kind of mental illness in my family (and extended family), so no one really knows how to deal with it, which results in us saying things that would probably better be left unsaid.
She's on vacation now with her best friend, and she's doing better, I think. Only problem is, the mental health care system here is kind of lacking. She'll only get to see a psychiatrist once a week and since she got home from the ward (or whatever it's called) she's only seen her psychiatrist once, and then only for small talk to get to know her.
Also, they've decided to not put her on anti-depressants for the time being, I'm ambiguous as to whether that's a good thing or not. She gets sleeping pills though.

Oh, and that sounds like a horrible misunderstanding, Kali. I'm sure it will be sorted out in no time, your family seems like a harmonic one.

14:28 / 06.08.08

I'm feeling really down in the dumps. Having had to leave my last job due to mental health problems (depression, as if that wasn't obvious) I can't seem to get another one. Even a horrible phone-monkey job (my usual last resort for employment). Because I technically resigned I don't qualify for benefits and am pretty much screwed.
There's more emo whining I could do (no direction, no girlfriend, failure to accomplish anything in my pathetic joke of a life) but I begin to annoy even my own self-pitying arse when I do, so I'll try to keep it down to a background moan.

14:39 / 06.08.08

I only feel partly miserable, but it's physical, so I feel it merits a post. Didn't each breakfast until 4pm yesterday (breakfast=cheeseburger) then went running in the evening (running=walking). Not my brightest idea.

15:25 / 06.08.08

I'm reading Naomi Klein's The Shock Doctrine and I feel my blood pressure rising.

What makes me miserable, however, is that I'm learning more about Chicago Economics and Fucking Milton Friedman and I'm missing Milton Fucking Friedman: I didn't know the guy, I butted heads with him, he pissed me off a lot, but...

I dunno: I think I understand him the tiniest bit more and I think that he made BB a better place.

I'm also finished with my vacation and face a boring month before the busy season hits, with no sunshine in the near future and I won't make it to the cottage for a few weeks. General misery compounded by hating the world's socio-economic climate past, present and future.

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