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I shouldn't be in a relationship right now. I've got a wonderful girl who's head over heels for me, I should be head over heels for her too, but I'm just depressed and snappish and I know she's trying to find a job again after getting sacked by her jerk of a boss two months ago. The economy's rough, I'm lucky to have a place to work right now, I shouldn't give her this much shit.
A lot of it(okay, most of it. Maybe all of it) is rooted in the fact that I'm still in love with my ex-girlfriend. Every day I wish that things could've worked out. I mean, this was a girl that I would've married. Seriously, I was to the point of looking at rings. And then one day I woke up. Not just from sleep, but from the dream of a great life together. I couldn't stay with her. I made her worry, and I made her miserable, and that made me miserable. It went from 8 months of heaven to the last 6 months of a quiet, dragging hell, with a few shiny moments of happiness in there to distract us both from the fact that we weren't happy together anymore. She didn't like dating someone who wanted to be a musician, she was worried about my drinking(which, to be honest, even I'm a little worried about in the moments when I can talk to myself about that. I can put it away like I belong in an old-school power metal band.), and she was constantly feeling threatened by my friend Rachel(who yes, I have had a thing for since the day I've met. Who wouldn't? She's beautiful, smart, funny, snarky, supportive and caring. I mean gods, just...damn near perfect. And not remotely interested in me.), even though I wasn't in love with Rachel, I was in love with Ariel. Seriously? I don't settle for people, or at least I didn't. She was who I wanted to be with. And then I woke up, and it came apart at the seams. I kind of wish I'd stayed asleep.
And now I find myself dating this succession of women, a lot of whom remind me of her. People have jokingly(or not) pointed out that I have a type, and yeah, I do. I like big girls, I like stealth-nerds, and I tend to end up with girls who can sing and craft. But I'm dating this new girl, and I look over and I realize that I'm dating a girl with, well, a striking physical resemblance to Ariel. I damn near slapped myself in the face. This is just fucked up, and the fact that I can't bring myself to break it off, and that I keep telling myself I'm trying to give it a chance because she's a wonderful, sweet girl and not that I don't want to break it off because I'm a damn coward who doesn't want to be alone in his head, says it all about me.
teal deer, sorry y'all. |
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