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I fucking hate myself. I hate myself a lot. I'm really really really pissed off at myself because I'm so extremely lazy and I can't even seem to manage to do the things that I want to do. and I'm really really reallly really scared right now because I've fucked up my life again. And I'm really scared in general. Really really really scared. I can't fucking handle anything. I can't handle living alone. My house is a fucking safety hazard but I'm too scared to deal with it. I also really don't want to live with other people, because I'm a very difficult person to live with (I'm awake at strange times, I smell bad, I don't clean the house as much as I should even when I have housemates nagging me, and I tend to be secretive and weird because I get paranoid and think people are spying on me....etc).
I don't want to get kicked out of school again. If I were going to post to the thread about what sort of student you are (I can hardly bear to read the thread right now, so I'm not going to post to it) I'd say that I'm either an excellent student or a complete failure, and never anything in between. I mean, dude, I once got 100% in a multivariable calculus class. I got 100% on every assignment and test, and I would have gotten higher than 100% if I'd bothered to turn in the extra credit (which I completed. I have a bad habit of doing assignments and then never turning them in. I don't know what's up with that. I don't know what's up with any of this, really.) I tend to either get almost all A's, or to fail everything. This quarter I'm failing everything. I failed everything last quarter, too. This is after getting readmitted to this school (which I got kicked out of years ago, for failing too many classes) because I went to another school for 3 years (I kept changing my major, so I have tons of credits, but I still have to take a lot more classes to finish in my current major) and had a very high gpa there. During the summer I contacted yet another school to see if I'd be able to get in there if I got kicked out of my current school, and I sent them my transcripts (from the 3 colleges I've attended, with some classes pass/fail, some for grades; two of the schools use the semester system and one uses the quarter system...my transcripts are bizarre) and they somehow calculated an overall college gpa for me: 3.5 (which is artificially higher than it should be, because of all the pass/fail classes I failed, but it's lower than my gpa from just my last school). They said they would admit me, and they treated me like I'm a good student, and like they really want me to go to their school (which feels weird, because I'm a fucking awful student, and I've gotten numerous letters from my current school about how they've decided to be lienient and not kick me out quite yet but that if I fail one more class I'm out, stuff like that. my current school only counts classes that I took at their school when they decide if I'm to be kicked out, and my record at my current school is absolutely horrible). I know I'm going to get kicked out at the end of this quarter, and even though I don't like the school, I don't understand why, and I think I might like it if I could get used to it (I really really really wanted to go part time until I got used to the school, because I did that at my last school and it seemed to help a lot, but the school won't allow me to go part time. I have documentation that says I'm disabled in such a way that I should be allowed to go part time, and if I weren't such a lazy disgrace, I'd get a lawyer to force the school to allow me to go part time.) It's going to fuck me over financially to switch school at the end of the quarter, and I'm so fucking ashamed to be getting kicked out of school yet again. I don't want to have to try to explain why. I'm sick of making excuses for myself. There is no fucking excuse.
I'm a fuckup in pretty much every way imaginable, and I fucking hate it and I hate myself.
I know I don't deserve huggles, but I really want some huggles. Please? |
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