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Not feeling particularly "miserable", but I am a bit low, confused, and annoyed with myself, for the following two reasons:
1) I'm still wasting too much time worrying whether I have "what it takes" to realise my dream, or whether I should quit now while I'm ahead and get a "real job" selling handbags, or something. I'm more than aware that this is a pathetic, masochistic mind-fuck, and I've got better over the years at dealing with it. Indeed, I'm fully prepared to keep plugging away, learning, refining and exploring my arts (or is that "arse"?) till the day I die, without reaping any benefits other than the joys I get out of simply "creating". But on the other hand, my financial situation isn't getting any better and I feel like I'm barely keeping one step ahead of the bailiffs...
I have a few side-projects (e.g. a communal animated sitcom project; helping a friend launch his nice little and humble "invention"; etc), any or all of which might yield an income in a couple of years; but I can't help thinking this might be a little too late. A close friend reckons I can create as effectively as I am at the moment AND work a full-time job, but I know myself too well and suspect the opposite would be true: years ago, when I had a full-time job, by the time I got home, had a shower and a meal, I was knackered and it was time to go to bed; I barely created anything of worth. I've always admired people who seem to be able to successfully play this game of "Work versus Play", but I'm surrounded by examples of people who MEANT to work AND create but have (to some extent) failed thus far.
2) I'm on a "Silly" come-down. I've long espoused the benefits of silliness, but as an advocate I can get carried away. This gets worse the less sleep I've had, and the other night / day I think I may have let my Silly get away with me. Indeed looking at my posts here from 13th - 14th of this month, I'm a little paranoid I may have made a few "enemies" on Barbelith; not from being nasty or deliberately irksome, but because my Silly has a way of aggravating some people, including me.
I sincrely hope I'm wrong and I recently started making a few apology-posts in a couple of threads, but I figured it was wiser to do a "big one" here instead (fnar-fnar, chortle-chortle). So, as I typed in another thread a few minutes ago:
Again, sorry all for my posts earlier. It's no excuse, but I'd had no sleep for far too long, and reading back over my many posts on Barbelith over that period, I feel ashamed and embarrassed, if not (I admit) a little amused at my "bad" behaviour. [Un]fortunately, I live and learn. Thanks for your patience.
Hmmm.... I feel better already. I suppose it is "good to talk" (or rant, or whatever this is). For now: "I'm just going outside and may be some time..."
Cheers Barbelith. |
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