Subcultural engagement for the 21st Century...
Barbelith is a new kind of community (find out more)...
You can login or register.

Underground > Conversation >

The miserable thread

Page: 1 2 3(4)5 6 7 8 9... 75

08:07 / 04.06.04

My PhD supervisor has decided I should have regular supervisions with him for the first time in two years. My thesis has to be submitted in four months and every time I see him he tells me there are three more books/essays that I have to read and reference otherwise I will be mocked and reviled. Not to mention his obsessive theory-geekery*: "And you use the word ventriloquize here, so you'd better footnote Steven Connor's book and all the literature he refers to... and you use the word hands here, so you're going to have to footnote the Heidegger essay on the hand as the marker of the human, and all the philosophical tradition around that back to Plato and forward to my essay on Disney's Tarzan". And I don't have time to read these things, because I have four months to rewrite my dissertation, so I nod and scribble the recommendations down and leave (i) with no idea which of the recommendations are insane geekery and which are actually going to make my external go "What? You haven't read X?" and (ii) feeling so disheartened I lose a day's work trying to get myself back on track.

And I just rang Bristol to see if I'd been shortlisted for a job I was actually, documentedly, perfect for (and I know there are only about ten people in the country doing the classics/cult.studs crossover they wanted), and they told me I hadn't even been longlisted, so it's another year of TA hell working for the aforementioned supervisor, who pays 50p per script** for the marking of assessed coursework essays/exams.

*This is not like theory-bitchery, or even geek-geekery. This is like being a muso for Heidegger.

**This works out as about a pound an hour.

Ex

09:39 / 04.06.04

Firstly, obviouly, aaaaargh and generalised stabbing (excursions and alarms).

Secondly, and I realise this is a 'fixy' suggestion when you possibly just wanted to vent:
no idea which of the recommendations are insane geekery and which are actually going to make my external go "What? You haven't read X?"

Could you compile a list of everything your supervisor has mentioned, and pin the cad down and say There is no time for all of this, be specific? (I wouldn't have dared.)
If not, is there another member of faculty, or someone from another institution, to whom you can show the list and say "Which of these is preferable/optional/fanciful"?

I think supervisors get overexcited and waffly about supervisees as embodying adoring youth, endearing hope and promising opportunity; your supervision becomes a chance for them to wander around the vast attics and packing crates of their branes and throw out a lot of attractive but irrelevant information. Not good in the latter stages of doom.

Last ditch options: pay someone you trust to read it and summarise it for you. Crib shamelessly from secondary and sucky Routledge guides, if there are any.

Blergh. And the jobs - 'good luck' starts to sound a bit hollow, really.

10:34 / 04.06.04

I was looking for a job and then I found a job.

08:19 / 07.06.04

I haven't had any human contact in the past week and a half that wasn't work related so the only folks I've been talking to are theatre people, television people, and people who attend anime cons. I'm sure you've got a pretty clear picture in your head of what the connies look like but just below the surface the other two categories are faaaar worse. Trust me on this one, something like 85% of the people who pursue the arts or entertainment (or god help me, both) are irreparable emotional cripples, especially those in the arts that provide a sense of community that actually healthy people get through little luxuries like family and friends.

Due to a weird, amorphous schedule I haven't been able to see any of my friends or the potentially hook-uppable young ladies I know. So I've been having to survive without intelligent conversation or the scintillating possibility of nookie to keep me going. And after an entire weekend at that Anime Con trying to pimp our product, I can almost feel all that dried residue of desperation mixing with my own trace amounts of the horrible stuff and sticking to my skin.

You know what it feels like when you've had entirely too much exercise or sex in one sitting and then you don't wash for six hours afterwards? That's how I feel right now.

As a matter of fact, the only things I have going for me right now are cold frutti di mare and bubbly bubbly club soda (trying to avoid drinking alone).

Strong sharp teeth. I'd be so much happier if I just had strong sharp teeth.

07:55 / 26.06.04

I'm so fed up with my fucked up hormones. Over two fucking years since I took the evil contraceptive injection and still everything's screwed up.
I'm feeling really sad right now.

20:31 / 26.06.04

*Wails* Oh where is my poor little lost and scaredy dog?

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

08:26 / 27.06.04

*Wails* Oh where is my poor little lost and scaredy dog?

You have my fullest sympathies, wishes of good luck, huggles and what-have-you. That's my worst nightmare.

Hattie's Kitchen

14:21 / 27.06.04

I keep getting colds because I'm so run down because I'm not eating properly because God-botherer flatmate keeps hogging the kitchen so I can't even cook a meal for myself and my bike got pinched and I'm moving into a new flat so I'm going to be skint for a long time which means I can't go out because I'll have no money to go anywhere which means I will never ever find anyone who wants to go out with me so I'll be single for the rest of my life.

10:39 / 29.06.04

I was really looking forward to my birthday as I was gonna have a big barbeque, eat all the food, and drink all the booze. There were even going to be new people there, which is always nice. Then I got a sodding throat infection which meant I spent all weekend in bed miserable and alone. Now I have nothing to look forward to, and my birthday sucked big time.

11:14 / 29.06.04

I had a bad performance review at work and cried lots. Basically, it seemed like they said I have no skills, am unable to make a worthwhile contribution, and probably should transfer to some other team. Ergh, maybe they should have just fired me.

20:01 / 29.06.04

Why? Why would anyone do that? What's the point of re-rolling in the muck? What's the point of being vicious?

And where does it get you in the end, anyway? Except right back in the 'feeling bad again' place.

Hattie's Kitchen

09:23 / 30.06.04

I thought we had sorted this all out ages ago - you said: "sorry, not interested but I would like to stay friends" and I said: "no problem, it's probably easier, no need to bring it up again." Fine. Have I ever brought it up again? Have I ever made a pass at you? Have I ever done anything to suggest otherwise? No, I bloody well haven't, as well you know.

So I ask if you're going to Pride this weekend, cos I'll probably be there and it would be nice to hook up for a bit, JUST AS FRIENDS, you know, like friends do, they meet up and have a drink...and you come back with: "oh, nooo, I'll be washing my hair..."

WHAT THE FUCK? Washing my hair? Listen, bitch, I wasn't asking you out on a date, so what's with all this cryptic shit?

So now I'm depressed because obviously you still think I've got the hots for you, when the truth is that you have proved yourself to be totally insensitive and untrustworthy anyway.

Go away and leave me alone. Go head-fuck with someone else because I'm bored with this shit.

Hattie's Kitchen

10:58 / 30.06.04

And another thing: Yes, please do wash your hair. I hope your hair gets caught in the plug hole, ripping out huge chunks and leaving you looking like a Chernobyl victim. Lying cow.

16:08 / 30.06.04

I had a dream about my ex-boyfriend last night. For some reason he had to stay over at my place. He slept on the floor next to my bed and I lay awake all night watching him and feeling immensely sad. Then in the morning he gave me a hug before he left and I just wanted to hold him forever and not let him go.

Aaaaahhh! We split up over 2 years ago and I fucking hate feeling this way. I’m so fucking sick and tired of this whole thing. Bugger shit fuck cunt arse bollocks. Ah.

The Apple-Picker

18:44 / 30.06.04

'Nother rejection letter. Tearing up like a real pro. Huge motherfucking barnacle in the throat and everything. Wish I could just quit.

20:27 / 30.06.04

How about disgruntled and bored! I'm not paid enough to care so don't try to make me into your corporate monkey mother fuckers! The hand book, which some schmuk likely got paid wheelbarrows of cash to come up with, says that we are the front line of your corporation, that we are the ones that our clients connect with the image of the corporation--well shit, then why are we the ones paid the bottom dollar, no benefits, and no fuckin' overtime?! I spit on your stupidity of overblown consumerism--like anyone really cares if this product is next to that one or what. And fuckin' up-sell this you fucks: NOT PAID ENOUGH TO CARE.

Treat us like we don't matter, and we'll treat your corporate rhetoric in the same damn way, morons.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

08:41 / 01.07.04

Grr. Coming off a/ds really sucks. Sweats and shakes like fucking DTs.
Especially when your landlord reminds you that you're legally liable for your flatmate's debts. (£3,600 and counting- GET A FUCKING JOB).
Two weeks into the three weeks of solitude I've been looking forward to, and I haven't had a single fucking day to myself. Or actually gone anywhere. This house is driving me insane. And I'm running out of cash so can't keep running away to the pub for much longer.
And I SHOULD be telling all this to my alcohol counsellor today, rather than the 'lith... but, being the responsible guy I am, I cancelled this week's appointment BECAUSE I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SODDING SOMEWHERE ELSE BUT IT FELL THROUGH.

pointless and uncalled for

10:59 / 01.07.04

How the fucking hell do I come off of a bike. it's not like I'm some kind of half-assed 5mph Sunday afternooner.

This is one of the things I'm good at, I cut tight lines, run hard and never concede a tight fade position. I even take nugdges pretty damn well.

But oh no, this morning, on a dry, flat, empty road I find myself flying over my handle bars and turning into roadkill. I shouldn't happen to me and I don't have anyone to blame for this but myself. I think I faceplanted a bit hard as well because I'm feeling fucked up and that ain't right for a small knock to the noggin.

11:49 / 01.07.04

Oh dear! Poor you. Get thee to the doctor, pronto. You might have concussion.

11:53 / 01.07.04

I don't want to do any more ironing, I've done heaps already today and I am making no headway, it's boring me witless and it's hurting my sore hand.

And I don't want to go and walk through the woods looking for my dog again because it's a hopeless exercise, he's not there anymore else he would have come when I called, but if he isn't there then WHERE THE FUCKING HELL IS HE and how am I ever going to find him in all this countryside?

22:27 / 04.07.04

Guess all the jokes about trading me in for a younger model weren't so funny after all.

For some reason, even after I found out what a liar you are, I still hoped the promises you made to me would hold.

I'm such a fool.

unheimlich manoeuvre

22:47 / 04.07.04

i am upset.

23:48 / 04.07.04

Feeling less than optomistic about the near- and middle-term future. Job ending, no new job in sight, and a less-than-comfortable amount of money on hand to get me through however long the unpaid interval turns out to be, the latter resulting from a foolish unwillingness on my part to take sensible financial precautions despite the writing having been on the wall for the better part of a year. At present, much self-recrimination, consequent depression, and a general feeling of deflation and incapacity to get moving toward the next thing.

Hattie's Kitchen

12:43 / 07.07.04

I am not a toy, I'm not your plaything...

I meant what I said. Fuck off and leave me alone, stop sending me pointless fucking emails (oh, and by the way, why is it you send them to me after you've sent them to everyone else...just in case people in your work might realise we're friends?)

Do not ask me to babysit for you again, when you can't even bring yourself to socialise with me in public, lest your posher and richer friends take the piss out of you for hanging out with a pleb like me.

I am this close to sending every fucking flirty teasing email you sent me to everyone in your workplace. How would you like that, bee-yotch?

18:32 / 07.07.04

I am fucking MISERABLE.

I left her a message and i hope she calls me.....maybe i'm just too impatient.

Doesn't cheer me up though. Don't DO this to me universe(s).............

*please*

18:38 / 07.07.04

I am fucking MISARABLE.

OMFG.

It's gonna be one of those nights.

ONLY NICE THINGS

23:47 / 08.07.04

Funeral today.

In general I'm not a big fan of funerals. They are awkward and messy experiences, and I don't like them. Most of all, I don't like the strange feeling that you are joining in celebrating someone's life when that someone is in a box just forward and to the right of the speaker. That seems to me eccentric.

And this one - well, just odd. Lots of people I had not seen since a period of my life I try generally not to think about. He was my tutor, so there were all sorts of parts of his life I wasn't really a part of, but as the readings go on I can fill in the blanks and see how much he affected me as a youth ... the fixation on death and mutilation in the cheeriest of poems, the application of critical techniques from film, the tendency to point up lazy writing, and the Derrida. Always the Derrida.

It's a shame. It's been a pretty rotten week, really.

Goodness Gracious Meme

00:38 / 09.07.04

not a biggie, but thinking about my parents and writing about my mum in the Conv. thread has reminded me how much I wish I could have been an adult and had time with her.

not miserable, as much as sad/thoughtful.

Hattie's Kitchen

10:05 / 09.07.04

Arse. Big spotty hairy arse.

So I do a mate a favour by minding her house for a week while she's up in Scotland, which involves taking care of four cats (one of which is blind), two rabbits, a guinea pig and seven goldfish.

The cats, rabbits and guinea pig are fine. Even the blind cat is having a blast, despite me moving the furniture around just so I can watch her bump into things. Yet every morning this week, I have woken up and checked on the fishies to discover a dead one floating about in the tank. So that's all seven fishies dead.

So now I have to deal with angry friend letting rip because I couldn't even look after goldfish for fuck's sake.

I suck at everything.

10:08 / 09.07.04

They're goldfish, right?
Couldn't you...replace them? If this is an unthinkable suggestion please hold your hand over the monitor at the approximate height of this post.

18:27 / 25.07.04

Well, I'm not really miserable, but perhaps feeling like a bit of a crotchety old bastard, and I didn't think this belonged in the "hate" thread, because hate is certainly too strong for what's going on and how I'm feeling about it.

Anyway, today is the day of the big Salsa Festival here in the neighbourhood (I live in the somewhat "trendy" Kensington area and right on one of the two main streets with all the shops, restaurants, and such), and I don't necessarily dislike salsa music, but it's blaring into my apartment from the street below: the DJ both is set up right in front of the apartment! So I'm a little miffed about the volume of this music that isn't *really* to my taste and knowing that I have ZERO control over it. It will continue on all afternoon regardless of how I feel about it. So yeah, I’m a little annoyed about it and wanted to take a moment to voice my complaint—even if I know it ain’t gonna’ change a damn thing!

20:52 / 25.07.04

What a day, what a day, what a day--ALL DAY!

Man, so the salsa music continues to blare loud and clear. So much so that I can't even hear my telephone ring. Sigh. And it's a combination of DJ and bands, and sadly not all bands are good ones. Anyway, I went to apply for this job where they want the applicant to apply in person. I show up at the place and it's closed on Sundays. I guess that's what a telephone is for, eh? And to top it off, I come home, I'm hungry, and I figure it might be a good time to make some breakfast. I go to the fridge and pull out the carton of eggs and it flies open dumping all the eggs on the floor: what a mess! At least there were two that were salvageable, and so breakfast wasn't a complete ruin. Geez. Guess I simply gotta' laugh, eh? So much for a relaxing Sunday.

Goodness Gracious Meme

22:57 / 25.07.04

A bit of pre-emptive misery. I feel fine now, a little sneezy and tired, but warumed by a little whisky. But tomorrow I will feel like crap. I've just whiskey'd mysefl out of feeling fluey so as to be able to do a cleaning job.

Which worked. But for which I will pay tomorrow.

10:28 / 29.07.04

God, I'm miserable.

Though not as miserable as I was yesterday.

And at least I don't have a baby, and never will.

But honestly. When you rewrite the first sixty thousand words of something to make them fit the last thirty thousand a bit better, it's a kick in the teeth to reach the last thirty thousand and find out you have no idea how to readjust them to fit what the first sixty now say.

And I am sick of all the music that I own. I wish I had the new REM album so I could just listen to Bad Day over and over and over and over again.

Lalala. Who cares?

13:06 / 29.07.04

Oh dear, poor you - don't know what to say... except, you know, hugs.

I've just spilt yogurt all over my notes.

Page: 1 2 3(4)5 6 7 8 9... 75