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The miserable thread

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12:08 / 02.06.07

Actually, your post sparked a flurry of activity in me that ended up being useful.

So there you go.

miss wonderstarr

15:07 / 02.06.07

thanks guys. It wasn't too awful ~ a benefit of having had similar ops three times before is that I was able to be more pro-active and politely assertive, because you realise the ward staff keep contradicting themselves and each other, and aren't sure what's meant to be going on, and that you have to sometimes take things into your own hands. So in a real What Would Reacher Do move this morning I sneaked off (bleary, unsteady) to demand my own medication from the pharmacy instead of waiting 3 hrs for a porter to bring it. Little things like that help you feel more in control of a situation where you're mostly very vulnerable.

spent most of yesterday in and out of drugged sleep, on mixed ward with extremely noisy visitors and a burberry boy opposite shouting into his phone ("MUM! bring me some fuckin food, the shit they've got here's orrible!" "OI! how's you, boy? I'm in the fucken HOSPITAL innit? Yeah it's shit, full of old people!") complaining to the nurses ("WHY? WHY? can't I wear me own clothes? WHY? I ain't wearin that") or playing GTA Vice City on ps portable ("YOU FUCK WITH ME, I BREAK YOU! BRAPBRAPBRAP buddabudda budda".)

oh well it's all good for the novel I'm sure!

left eye is bruised to hell again, swelled up, bloody, stiched, so I have no way of knowing if it's ultimately improved, but you have to hope so. If I try to see with both eyes, I get such double vision that two pills on the palm of my hand look like four equally-solid pills, so I'm having to just use the good eye and cover the other.

antibiotics, anti-nausea chemicals, morphine, painkillers currently feel like they're seeping out of my pores, making my mouth taste weird and my body smell odd.

however... that's over for now, again. I can only hope it is finally sorted. thanks it was very nice to see people's kind thoughts on my return.

15:24 / 02.06.07

Glad to hear it's all over... My fingers are curling just at the THOUGHT of someone going near my eye...

Speedy recovery!

15:31 / 02.06.07

Glad to see you back and in charge (well, a reasonable amount) Miss W. The Reacher thread is waiting for your thoughts as ever!

15:41 / 02.06.07

Happy for you that it's over, MW, and good luck on your recovery!

Less searchable M0rd4nt

15:54 / 02.06.07

Congratulations mw, and good luck with the getting better.

16:15 / 02.06.07

Good on you, Miss W! To add to your Reacher anecdote, I picked up The Killing Floor and The Hard Way yesterday evening based purely on your thread.

Luck and lollipops!

17:00 / 02.06.07

I'm so glad to hear it's over. Well done you.

miss wonderstarr

18:02 / 02.06.07

Well, let's hope so.

And a terrific Doctor Who tonight. And I got to comment first-in-thread on it.

Mon Oncle Ignatius

21:19 / 02.06.07

Good news, Miss W. Always good to hear of something worrying being overcome, and coming through OK on the other side.

miss wonderstarr

04:06 / 03.06.07

I still can't see out of both eyes (it's an eyepatch or bizarrely spaced-out double vision) so this may bring down the quality of my posts from their usual confidently-mediocre standard.

miss wonderstarr

06:13 / 03.06.07

Did I mention the waking up at 5am. And the ban on alcohol for over a week because of these God-awful Smartie-sized pills. And covering up one eye to read.

19:19 / 03.06.07

Not miserable but sad 'cause we're moving house tomorrow and leaving the place where my son was conceived, and where I've lived happily for three and a half years with the love of my life. I'll also miss the park like mad.

Ah well, I'm a home owner now, and I have Duchy Originals beer, so I suppose there are consolations.

20:39 / 03.06.07

i'm a bookstore clerk with serious depressive issues and i cant afford the meds i need. The local hospital is overflowing with people with more serious issues and because i manage to project a facade of coherence the overworked docs keep fobbing me off to deal with bigger problems.
To cap it, my employer, probably the nicest guy in the world has come to town, trying to understand why i am running his shop into the ground.
We supposed to meet for breakfast tomorrow, and i seriously think i am about to lose my job. Which sucks, cause with my medical history and lack of qualifications i am unemployable.
So its midnight here in cape town, and i am listening to johnny cash and wondering where the fuck to go from here.

23:21 / 03.06.07

disco - ah bugger. tired and pregnant isn't really an excuse. so sorry we didn't help with clean-up. feeling like a bad couply friend...

if it's any consolation, we had an absolutely lovely time...both the food and the company was splendid.

i promise i will have better, less selfish manners next time.

miss wonderstarr

05:16 / 04.06.07

Unless I entirely tape up my left eye so I can't see anything out of it, I have such double vision I can hardly walk. I'm using both eyes now and there is a floating phantom double of all this text hanging about an inch below what I know is the "real" one. If this doesn't get better, I feel pretty fucked. I'm pouring boiling water into a cafetiere seeing two streams and having to line them both up. * ju7st... I just had to rely on muscle memory to get those keys because when I looked at the keys, it was an alien alpyabet... seriously if i look at the keyboard I'm almost just picking randomly. it's like the meta alphabet from the invisibles. I am typing from touch not sight.

I'm sure this is because the muscles are having to adapt or something, my eye having moved in its socket, but I just can't see how it's going to improve because my brain, or my eyes, or something, aren't reconciling the two fields of vision together.

also my left eye is absolutely full of blood, like a horrorshow contact lens. I'm sure this happened before but it looks appalling.

worse, I can't be at all sure if its position is any better. what if the docs were "correcting" something they saw technically, but didn't understand the mismatch I saw when I looked in the mirror? there isn't going to be another op on that eye. They have done the "correction". whatever it looks like when it heals is going to be my final eye for life now. Previous months, I was able to deal because of the idea that it was going to be fixed, however depressingly fuckedup it looked. Now I'm waiting to see how it heals and it's not a good kind of suspense. As well as the fact that I can't really see.

miss wonderstarr

07:20 / 05.06.07

day 4! my world is still in 5-D if I use two eyes, or 2-D if I tape up the bad one ~ leading to sad little scenes where I spill juice over a kitchen counter because I judged distance wrong. My left eye... well, it looks like an "eye", sort of. If you saw it in a butcher's shop or a mortuary you'd recognise it as an eye. It doesn't look anything much like the right eye.

I have managed to read some Bendis Daredevil, where helpfully, the hero and villain are currently blind! I think I need suggestions of more superheroes who can't see properly and have their pretty faces messed up. Disappointingly, I am not only not-visibly-healing at all, but I feel I can see the way I'm going to look afterwards. And it makes me want to wear dark glasses forever.

MattShepherd: I WEDDED KALI!

08:41 / 05.06.07

Darkman, dude! Watch Darkman! Messed-up face and 20/20 vision but sees everything through a haze of kaleidoscopic rage.

Generally speaking, don't worry too much about how things look right now... it's like the dress rehearsal when you start recovery, and like dress rehearsals, if you think "oh my God it's not going to go well," that's usually when your body pulls off the miracle trick and everything goes fantastic.

08:49 / 05.06.07

MW - Pete Milligan's Face?

I am sad - I only had a dog for two days and now she is gone back home, and my god I miss her. I think I'm just a little emotional in general at the moment - the temp job is driving me mad, looking for work is getting me down, just want to get on with my life. And everytime I think of the dog's little face, I almost start crying! Bloody hell...

08:58 / 05.06.07

MW, if your face doesn't heal satisfactorily, could you get private cosmetic surgery? I imagine that it would be pretty expensive (if available or feasible) but it might be worth looking into.

I'm sure you've considered this route and I'm just coming off like an ignorant prat, but just on the off chance that you haven't I thought it was worth raising.

MattShepherd: I WEDDED KALI!

09:29 / 05.06.07

Hachiman! Missed your post... sorry! Condolences to you too, but now that the fateful conversation has passed, was it as bad as you thought? How are things in Cape Town?

miss wonderstarr

09:51 / 05.06.07

What's Pete Milligan's Face?

I did consider cosmetic surgery, Boboss. I will consider anything with the word "cosmetic" in it. In fact, I was going to spend my criminal comp money (supposedly £4.5k if it ever turns up) on private surgery if necessary ~ then the hospital offered to do another op on the eye, ostensibly because of minor double vision, but from my point of view, to improve the appearance.

However... unless the surgeon who did me is really incompetent, and I actually think he's good, I don't see what else another op could do. They have put a custom-made plate, modelled on a mirror of the right eye socket, in on the left. It seems to make perfect sense.

I was studying my bad eye just now and I could almost convince myself it might turn out to be the same shape as the other one, so I won't lose hope about it just yet.

Part of me is still affectionately amused with myself that it's having identical eyes that matters to me so much more than whether I can see. You learn about yourself when you're in hospital, and damaged, and reduced. You learn things about your core essence. I still think it's quite funny that I put vanity over function, even to the point where I don't mind being half blind as long as my eyes aren't skew-whiff.

09:58 / 05.06.07

Well, unfortunately how you look does effect how you function (in all kinds of ways) so I'm not sure you should worry too much about your vain streak.

09:59 / 05.06.07

Worry in an affectionately amused way, that is.

10:03 / 05.06.07

Face from what I recall might be a bit much, just post surgery. Entertainingly horrid, but well, horrid.

And, MW, if you can find yourself weighing vanity over function lying in the hospital, you're doing better than I ever do. Even when it's not about being cut into, but just a battery of tests, I lie very still and convince myself I've already done something wrong, just lying there. Until I fall asleep.

I'd hope, once things have healed better and calmed down, everything'll look significantly better. If not, go with what makes you happiest.

And, BtB, take yourself down to a shelter/pound if you can, and just pet a dog. Unless things are entirely different where you're at, the only time-consuming bit should be the trip to and from the establishment. They won't be that dog but it should do you some good.

10:11 / 05.06.07

I could never go to a shelter and pet a dog - I'd have to leave with one, or five. All those lonely animals would make me very upset.

10:20 / 05.06.07

I'm thinking of offering my services as a dog walker for the sheltered dogs or NSPCA. But yeah, it's going to be a struggle to not try and sneak them all back home...

10:28 / 05.06.07

I try to volunteer at the nearest shelter, wherever I'm currently living, just because, y'know, if you're not doing something for the animals, there may be nobody stepping into place to do it. It's mutually rewarding, even if there's the heartbreak of knowing you can't bring another animal home with you every day. And it helped me get over a lot of my fear/repulsion with rats (nearly died from rats when I was a little kid and we were very poor) forcing myself to deal with all the animals that would wind up in a shelter, and not just the fun ones like dogs, cats, and horses.

Just tell yourself someone else will come and take each and every one of them and love them quite a bit until they're old and collapsed pleasantly in their corner of the living room. And hopefully, work a shelter that has a low rate for putting down animals who don't need to be put down.

Whisky Priestess

10:43 / 05.06.07

Miss W - I feel silly sayign this to you because I'm sure you know this better than I do, but sometimes people need to be reminded.

1) It's only a been a few days and I know it must look as messed up as all hell, but you are not an episode of "Extreme Makeover" - you don't go from blood-and-stitches to Big Reveal in 30 seconds, so give it time.

2) DON'T start second-guessing what you will look like when you eye is all healed and clean and lovely, because that will just depress you. Don't stand in front of the mirror for hours on end, crying. For a start it's not good for your wonky vision. Listen to the radio, spring-clean, stick on an audiobook, but don't sit there and brood. PM me for my further experiences/advice if useful.

3) Buy a fabulous eyepatch and wear it - over a surgical one if that's easier. You'll look big, clever and piratical, and it will save you having to tape up your eye when you can't see straight.

Hope you're feeling better. I'm sure you will emerge butterfly-like from your cocoon of bandages, just as lovely as ever.

Janean Patience

08:26 / 06.06.07

A thousand thanks to everyone who commiserated with me about my New York flight fuck-up. My partner and I decided to keep the whole thing secret from friends and family because we couldn't bear the predictable admonishments but I had to tell someone, and your responses honestly meant a lot.

We had a great week anyway. The pain of the whole thing, after an hour or two holding my head and saying oh no, oh no, receded as we travelled to Heathrow and across the Atlantic, and by our first morning in the city it was gone. I guess the financial implications will hit later.

Even as I realised what had happened I thought there was an element of karma in it. Earlier that week I'd let my two birds out of their cage for a fly without noticing I'd left the window open. They didn't notice either, thank fuck. Afterwards I kept thinking about my lucky escape, and those moments when you fuck up and keep thinking 'If I could only just go back and change that and not do that one thing...' Losing £800 hurts but you get over it. If I'd lost either of my birds I'd still be hating myself. One flight fuck-up traded for another.

And I hope Miss Wonderstarr's eye is recovering. I do read this thread, though my own howling whinge was my first contribution, and I've followed your painful saga and hope it's coming to an overdue end.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

14:08 / 06.06.07

Yeah, the thing about losing the cash is that at some point in the future, depending how much you usually spend, there will come a point when you realise that whatever had happened, you wouldn't have that money anymore anyway.

I'd take losing large amounts of money over losing pets any day. It's not ideal, but of the two options on offer you definitely got the better one.

07:12 / 07.06.07

Endless Love -

I didn't respond initially, but oh, horrors. What an awful thing.

Maybe one day you'll be able to look back on it and laugh. But, yeah, ATM it must be looking like a pretty pricey chuckle...

I beam good luck vibe at you.

miss wonderstarr

10:58 / 07.06.07

WP, you are right on the money. There have been some ups and downs over the last couple of days.

The down was a real down: I would describe it as one of the most terrifying experiences of my life. At around 12.30 yesterday I suddenly got that kind of spinning effect you usually have for five seconds if you stand up too fast. Except it lasted, and lasted... after maybe ten seconds I threw myself on the floor because the world was just tipping, circling and pitching. And it still spun, even on the floor. Even with my eyes closed. I managed to get to the bathroom somehow in a series of flash-frames (eyes closed, open for a blink, then shut) and started vomiting red stuff, which is when I got to my phone through another insane struggle, and dialled treble 9.

So, after another battle to get the door open, I was lying on the floor looking absolutely abandoned when three medics turned up fifteen minutes later. I really don't think I've experienced such utter panic as I did during that half hour.

To cut another afternoon in A&E short, the consultant reckoned it was probably the fault of the drugs they had to give me to fight potential eye infection: apparently one of them "should have red horns and a pointed tail", ie. it's a bad boy. They kept me on that drug and gave me more anti-nausea drugs to combat its effects.

Sooo... this will be one of my few brief stints online today, because in a plus moment I found iTunes has loads of Jack Reacher audiobooks and I got Without Fail this morning. It is read with great panache by a man named Kerry, who does Reacher like Eastwood, and also puts on convincing female voices.

I do also have an eyepatch, which is... I don't know, dashing at a pinch I suppose. Looks like Jolly Roger out of Invisibles. I had the stitches out this morning and the eye does look less like bloody meat, though it still can't focus with the other one. And I have friends and family all getting into a panic about my episode yesterday and insisting on staying with me in relay, so basically I'd better go and lie down before I'm forced to.

11:27 / 07.06.07

it was probably the fault of the drugs they had to give me to fight potential eye infection: apparently one of them "should have red horns and a pointed tail", ie. it's a bad boy.

/...angry

Well, for heaven's sake, couldn't they have given you a bit of warning?! Doctors... EYEROLL.

Sounds dreadful, all of it, and annoying as your nearest and dearest be seem, I'm sure they only have your best interests at heart at this time.

Take care, MW. Good to hear that the op after-effects seem to be improving, at least, but ARG at the surprise drug side-effects.

14:21 / 07.06.07

I do also have an eyepatch, which is... I don't know, dashing at a pinch I suppose. Looks like Jolly Roger out of Invisibles.

I knew someone with an eyepatch once - she had made it quite dashing by embroidering a design on the front. Needlepoint.

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