Oh dear.
Today i was meant to have my disciplinary.
Rewind a week - At my work, we work for a probationary period of 3 months at a lower rate. If you are on time for your shifts and get good stats (keep call times low, avoid going to the toilet too much etc. Yes, i work at a call centre) you get to pass your probation and get a raise of 20p an hour.
So i was meant to have my probation last week. I didnt think i'd pass. I figured they'd extend my probation for another couple of weeks to let me get my stats up to par, as is the usual way.
Instead, i got called into one of my supervisor's offices to have a little chat. He produced a printout of my timesheets for the past three months, with nice highlights over all my lates and awols (times i hadn't turned up and had failed to ring in).
I totalled twenty-eight lates and three awols. I pointed out that i had actually spoken to the supervisor himself about two of those awols and a few of those lates and that he had told me he'd get them sorted.
I agreed that, although the majority of those lates were within 5 minutes of the time i was meant to be in, and many are in off my lunch (yes, we get a timed lunch), it doesn't look good on paper.
He tells me i am to have a formal meeting on thursday (today) and that i am to prepare by looking through my hours and thinking of my reasons. He made sure i was aware i could get sacked at the meeting.
So i spend a week worrying. Thing is - if i keep my job, i get to travel to visit my zen master in New Zealand. This means a lot to me. If i lose my job, i won't get to go to New Zealand, but i will at least get a boot into finding a job i like and want. But not knowing is stressful to me. I don't enjoy stress.
In the meantime, i look into flights and get some reserved until Monday. I figure i will know by then whether i can afford to go or not. I need to give an answer on Monday.
But by Wednesday, i still haven't received my letter from work. I decide to go in (on my day off) and get a printout for myself. All is well.
I turn up to work today, worried and stressed. It feels like being at school. I hated school; it made me ill. I do some work and wait for 2 o'clock to come.
While i am on the phones, someone hands me a letter. It is my printout, with a formal cover note. The note says my meeting is to be on Tuesday the 16th. This is worrying.
I go to ask the supervisor who will be 'acting decision maker' at my meeting what is going on. The supervisor says that, due to legal requirements, i need to have my meeting at least 48 hours after having received the letter. I tell him it was meant to be today and that i have been waiting for the letter all week. Why haven't i had the letter before?
"Oh, we tried to give it to you, but you didn't come in."
"You mean, yesterday? My day off?"
"No, oh.. Um.. Actually, the lady who was meant to print your letter didn't get one printed out"
"So i have to wait until Tuesday? And i can't have it today, even if i request it?"
"You have to wait until tuesday"
"Well, can you just tell me if i will get to keep job please? It's quite important that i know by Monday"
"I'm afraid i haven't had time to look at your case yet"
"..."
So i get another 4 1/2 days of utter stress. I have no idea what to do about my flights. Speaking to most the people there, it seems i will likely keep my job, and i'd love to just take a chance and buy my flight, but £950 is a large chance to take.
So i am getting utterly fucked over by my employer's fuckups. Obviously i am not blameless, but it's not as if i got paid for any of the time i have been late.
I'm a good worker. I have consistantly high scores on my listen-in tests, i have had customers ask to speak to my supervisors to tell them how helpful i have been, i even took a call in French today, for fuck's sake. I do my job and have slipped up by a few minutes. I get fucked about for it.
The worst thing about it is that when i get home, i am shit. I snap at my Love, i'm bitchy with my housemates. All i want to do is hit things or cry. I have to work loads of extra hours in case this is my last pay-period. I am turning into the classic angerball, fucked by my own trapped position.
I am really fucking angry and stressed. I really hate that a shitty McJob can do this to me, that i'm too scared to take a risk and find a job i might like and succeed at. I hate that i'm so poor at saving money and keeping time that i fucked up a task as simple as this.
I hate that i'm just a fucking number - an appointment in some bored supervisor's book. I hate that there is nobody at work at whom i can point the finger and blame. I hate the beaureaucratic mess that is my position in this world.
I really fucking hate that it is my fucking fault i'm in this mess. I hate that i can't comprehend the reality that expects these things of me - the reality that makes it okay for an employer to make an employee's life a burning bundle of electric fear.
That i feel no fault, yet am to blame has always left me feeling confused and afraid of this society.
It's fucking pathetic and small. This is a shit job. I will get to see my zen master another time. I will get a better job. I will find a way to live in this society that escapes the slave/owner dichotomy...
But right now, this is my life and it fucking hurts. I am so fucking pissed off. |
