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barbequotes

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The resistable rise of Reidcourchie

18:54 / 02.02.04

Yessss! Finally I've arrived.

gingerbop

22:18 / 02.02.04

We could quote the majority of that thread in here. It is, as someone said, beautiful how everyone collectively turns a horrible horrible bit of crap into a wonderful thread of pisstakes and talking about trunks and tenticles. But this was my favourite, from Deva

What is fffdffff's girlf shit at?

Me, for instance, I am very good at getting dressed entirely under the duvet...when it is cold, but very bad - one might even say "shit" - at drinking my first cup of coffee without spilling any. Luckily, my own girlf overlooks the fact that I am thus shit in bed; perhaps it is made up for by the fact that I am tremendously talented at sexual intercourse.

*basks in sunshine of wit and loveliness*

unheimlich manoeuvre

10:43 / 03.02.04

(Quiet note to France... yes, I know I've had my problems with you in the past. But on the off-chance that the nest few years see us become a total bastard of a state with no hope of recovery... nuke us. Please. Before we spread across the Channel again.)

Stoatie, in the David Kelly thread. Gallows humour, but you know the shits hit the fan.

The Falcon

17:38 / 03.02.04

The boy Dudley, who was once Radiator, worms his way into my heart and yours, with this from aforementioned splendid and exemplary thread:

"You sound about as shallow as a fucking paddling pool, you unspeakable dick."

Everyone who wrote ridiculous and funny things there gets a prize. Excellent work, Barbelith. James just provided the culminatory moment; the zenith, if you will.

40%

17:58 / 03.02.04

Reidcourchie's quote appears to come from the Blackadder school of wit.

A comment on Baldrick's 'war poem':

Well it started badly, and it tailed off a bit in the middle, and the less said about the end the better. Apart from that, excellent.

pomegranate

07:03 / 13.02.04

mordant, on olulabelle's "how do i say i'm good at the internet on my CV?"-type query:
"! 4m the l33t haxx0r & j00 w1ll 411 ph33r m3 cu2 ! wi11 pWn j00r 4ss"
maybe it's a gimme, but it made me laugh.

40%

13:49 / 13.02.04

aus in the "ever feel like you're the troll" thread:

Real men drink their black "normal" tea without milk or sugar. At least, that's the way my mother drinks it.

Bill Posters

10:46 / 14.02.04

At the risk of breaking with the thread abstract, this is not a Barbiequote, although it probably could be. It is I guess a quote which says more about run down areas in South London than anything else I have ever heard, and is a general all round classic which I just have to share with you. My thanks to one Anna Key on another board for quoting it there.

Overheard in the ****** pub yesterday: ravishingly pretty girl talking to young man she obviously rather fancied:

"I'm not wearing any knickers and they've reduced my medication to twelve and a half milligrams a day!"

The mating call of the Brixton female in the twenty-first century. Sheer South London poetry. I'll leave it up to you to speculate as to whether or not she bagged her man!

Bed Head

12:10 / 14.02.04

Over the last few years I've conspired to ensure that all of your supplies have been cut with my liquid nano-ganja.

You've all been unwittingly smoking my hypno-drug for most of your adult lives, that paranoia you keep getting is one of the telltale signs that my science people were unable to iron out before the stuff was scheduled to hit the streets. Soon enough, the software will be fully installed in your heads and then it'll be too late for you to do anything about it. I'll have myself a small army of collie-crazed zombi assassins ready to spend the rest of their lives executing whatever mad schemes happen to cross my mind.

Evil genius Gypsy Lantern announces to the smokers of Barbelith that he rules the world. For some reason I felt compelled to re-post his mad proclamation here.

Less searchable M0rd4nt

09:39 / 15.02.04

GL again, in the "Extreme Gnosis" thread:

"I was charging sigils with kung-fu last night!"

"That's nowt! I caught ten vipers and drew a different sigil on each one then juggled the fuckers!"

"That's rubbish mate! I tattoed the elder Futhark on a piranha then had it sewn into my solar plexus"

etc...

Bill Posters

15:17 / 15.02.04

From the Buying a Strap-On thread:

Ex: [T]ry out someone else's toys (play safe) or experiment with pared-down vegetable options (buy organic)

I don't mean this to sound critical or piss-taking of Ex, or of the organic thing, but I'm thinking there can't be many places where a discussion of girl-on-boy buggery can intersect with a warning about the dangers of pesticides in the vegetables. Barbelith: the only place in all of cyberspace where Queer sex and Environmentalism can casually merge into a seamless whole, for only here can a gal bottomize her boy with a courgette and only be met with cries of "sick, unnatural pervert!", "that's soooo against nature!" if the thing's not been grown organically.

Tryphena Absent

13:41 / 16.02.04

Manga Lord Peter?

Haus gives us all a descriptive gem.

gotham island fae

02:32 / 18.02.04

Doctor Singapore, thank you for your words in the point to quitting thread. These and others.

"Chewing gum is good for that. I recommend original flavor Trident because it's sugar-free and the flavor doesn't get in the way of drinking beer."

Matthew Fluxington

20:16 / 19.02.04

Mike-O: Hey all... so, 'm looking to get a tat in Japanese Symbols, translated from english to read "Better Luck Tomorrow"... anyone happen to have the slightest clue how I can get my hands on a stylized translation without paying for it?

Haus: Have you considered getting "Your language is pretty to look at, but not worth the effort of learning" tattooed on your face?

Jack Fear: Or perhaps the Japanese characters for "highly-punchable cultural tourist"?

The resistable rise of Reidcourchie

08:09 / 20.02.04

See now if Haus and Jack had just done a bit of research Mike-O could have been wandering around proudly displaying either of those tattoos to amused Japanese people.

Bill cheers for the quote, it really cheered up my morning.

Saveloy

09:53 / 20.02.04

I meant to salute this one 6 weeks ago - Flyboy in the Barefoot Doctor thread:

"So what this column does is claim to present a realisation of privilege and inequality whilst simultaneously setting up a reaction of inaction and complacency (in the form of the borderline meaningless hippy jargon claptrap above) as if it were a morally laudable, 'enlightened' and even radical form of action. The man in the Mercedes writes a list of his privileges and other benefits in his life, writes "I am deeply thankful for this" at the bottom, and the debt is squared. He can sleep with a sound conscience. This is evil filth."

F---ing fantastic, the most satisfying articulate-kicking-in-of-a-worthy-target I've read in years.

diz

23:24 / 22.02.04

i don't know how many people will think this is funny, but this one from doyoufeelloved in the New X-Men #153 thread, referring to the recent destruction of New York by Magneto:

I'm really surprised that everyone is so hung-up on New York being wrecked. This is the Marvel Universe, people -- they'll do A Very Special Issue of THOR where he's fixing everything, because he can, and he learns the true meaning of compassion and selflessness from a fireman, and he'll conclude the story by saying "Truly, Gods do walk amongst mere mortals" or something like that.

Olulabelle

08:08 / 24.02.04

Gingerbop in the Confession Time thread:

We had a teacher, Miss Clement, for lifeskills/ PSE/ whatever the fuck you call it when they're teaching you (at age 15/16) what a penis is, when half the class are saying 'I've got one' and the other half are thinking 'I've had one in me'.

tantrus

20:52 / 24.02.04

"There is a familiar smell of dead household pets in the air."

I said this while crawling toward enlightenment and getting every bone in my body smashed by the giant squirl of death that guards the gates of Hades. Then i learned that my grandfather's great grandfather is Lucifer. I swear to drunk i'm not god.

gingerbop

23:36 / 24.02.04

Olulabelle in the aforementioned confessions thread:
We bombarded our Art teacher, Mrs Shepherd with Smarties until she locked herself in the cupboard, refused to come out, and then left the teaching profession due to having a nervous breakdown.

The cause is not debatable, the cause was obviously an irrational fear of Smarties
I dont think it's normal to find that as funny as I did.

And Keggers, because of the randomness:
When I go up or down the page I like to pretend the scroll bar on the side of the screen is a tiny elevator.

Cat Chant

09:31 / 25.02.04

Persephone in the Bush Has Thrown Away My Vote thread:

I seem to remember that Bush threw away my vote for Al Gore.

And if only he hadn't, I might be able to marry Persephone right now!

Bed Head

15:41 / 26.02.04

Olulabelle, in a thread about enochian fonts on her spook-computer.

Randomly, I had a serious urge to title this thread 'The Font of all Knowledge' but luckily I managed to restrain myself.

I think that’s actually rather funny, as puns go.

40%

20:04 / 26.02.04

Mordant Carnival in Flux's life coach thread:

No! Beware! I allowed myself to be swayed by Fluxington's advice last time he did this, and now I live in a disused bus garage and eat spoons!

My only comfort in life is a bin-bag of beige crimplene slacks and support tights stolen from outside the local Scope shop, which I use for a matress. My only friend is a left shoe I call Baudlaire.

I just can't wipe the grin off my face after reading this.

8===>Q: alyn

20:18 / 26.02.04

Excuse me, I just wanted to point out that this was really funny:

Maytricks: Oh Yum, elitist porn.

Qalyn: I thought Barbelith was elitist porn.

I mean, if you don't think that's funny, you're crazy.

40%

20:36 / 26.02.04

Keggers in "Hypothetically speaking" thread:

Dating mutants will never lead to true happiness, although it may bring about Real Ultimate Power!

gingerbop

23:22 / 26.02.04

Qalyn, are you allowed to barbequote yourself? Hell, is that why I didnt get in til page 14?

8===>Q: alyn

12:28 / 27.02.04

I have no idea. It's been done before, and I always thought it was an act of dweebish desperation, but I don't care. Here me? I don't care.

40%

12:45 / 27.02.04

40% in quotes thread:

Keggers in "Hypothetically speaking" thread:

Dating mutants will never lead to true happiness, although it may bring about Real Ultimate Power!

I just thought it was so cool the way I quoted that!

(Sorry, Massykr, just couldn't resist)

You're not sorry.

Aus, whothehell@where, gridley, Sugarimp, Mister Snee and Jack Frost for this gem of a conversation:

Aus
I think the conceptual problem with this thread is that whothehell@where was confused between animism and minimalism.

whothehell@where?
there was no conceptual problem
everything was carefully calculated

gridley
animinimalism = reducing all things to animals

Sugarimp
minianimalism= worshipping little animals?

Mister Snee
Minimalism Mouse!

Jack Frost
Minimalism : reducing all thi....

Sugarimp
Minimammalism= worshipping small furry things?

tantrus

21:06 / 27.02.04

"the greatest enemy to knowledge is the pursuit of knowledge and the curiosity that fuels it."
-moi

i am the anti-christmas. kufjyhuctuyuyuyvuivtuksuorrwrttigjku. Quasm.

tantrus

21:07 / 27.02.04

bleah

40%

21:28 / 27.02.04

Honestly, sometimes I wonder if it's even worth mocking people...

gingerbop

21:53 / 27.02.04

Always, my dear. Always.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

21:58 / 27.02.04

Yeah, the day it ceases being worthwhile to mock people is the day I lose the will to live.

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