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Text Adventure Game Emulator #1

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Regrettable Juvenilia

17:53 / 27.11.07

"Sane, sane, they're all insane
The fireman's blind, the conductor's lame
A Cincinatti jacket and a sad luck dame
Hanging out the window with a bottle full of rain
Clap hands... clap hands..."

You mutter as you drag the Professor north, up to the door. He's really slowing you down. When you reach the door, you give it a shove with your shoulder, but it refuses to move.

You drop the Professor's leg and tell him "If I were you, I'd find another line of work." His singing has grown very quiet now.

You examine the door. For the first time you notice it also has a panel with a slot, similar to the one at the gate through which you entered earlier. You swipe Winter's card and, with a buzzing sound, the door swings open slightly. You push it open fully and step through, leaving Professor Winter in the corridor. The door swings shut after you, and buzzes again. There is no panel or slot on this side and the door has no handle.

You are in another short corridor. This one has very harsh yellow lights set into the ceiling. There are two doors set on either side, and one to the NORTH ahead of you. All the doors have knobs. Right now you can see a door to the WEST marked 1, one NORTH-WEST marked 3, one to the EAST marked 2, and one NORTH-EAST marked 4. The door to the NORTH is marked #5-23.

17:59 / 27.11.07

w

Regrettable Juvenilia

18:07 / 27.11.07

The door is locked.

18:10 / 27.11.07

Unlock door, w

Regrettable Juvenilia

18:13 / 27.11.07

All the doors here have knob handles with keyholes below them. You try all the keys you have in the hole for room #1, without success.

18:15 / 27.11.07

Jimmy door, w

Regrettable Juvenilia

18:16 / 27.11.07

I don't understand Jimmy.

18:18 / 27.11.07

Force entry w, w

Regrettable Juvenilia

18:28 / 27.11.07

You try to force open the door to room #1. It won't budge. You try harder.

The door doesn't move, but the lights above you suddenly change to red and start flashing, and a loud alarm sound can be heard. It goes something like:

WAAAMP. WAAAMP. WAAAMP. WAAAMP.

The alarm is punctuated by an announcement in a stern, robotic voice:

"SECURTIY ALERT. UNAUTHORISED ENTRY ATTEMPT DETECTED. SECURITY ALERT. UNAUTHORISED ENTRY ATTEMPT DETECTED. SECURITY ALERT..."

Uh-oh.

18:30 / 27.11.07

Stalk n, hefting ashtray.

18:44 / 27.11.07

[teekl]

I'm obsessive-compulsive. I can't stop checking my pockets.

18:48 / 27.11.07

not directed at the computer

Regrettable Juvenilia

18:49 / 27.11.07

The door to the north is unlocked. You open it and go through.

You are in a room with four more doors, marked as follows:

West: 5
North-West: 7
East: 6
North-East: 8

The room is bathed with red from lights that are set into the walls above these doors. There is a metal staircase here, leading UP, and you can see a metal balcony running round three edges of the room above you.

"SECURITY ALERT. WAAAMP. UNAUTHORISED ENTRY ATTEMPT DETECTED. SECURITY ALERT. WAAAMP. UNAUTHORISED ENTRY ATTEMPT DETECTED. SECURITY ALERT..."

On the wall to the north, a cabinet of some kind is mounted on the wall. It has a small iron padlock keeping it shut.

Above the sound of the alarm, you can hear what sounds like heavy footsteps clanging on metal stairs, and getting louder.

18:51 / 27.11.07

Unlock cabinet.

18:53 / 27.11.07

Flip up collar of trenchcoat

19:00 / 27.11.07

Pat teekl.

Regrettable Juvenilia

19:00 / 27.11.07

You have several keys - which would you like to use to... okay, fuck it. You use the small key on Robert's keychain, that looks like it might fit the padlock on the cabinet. It does. The cabinet door promptly falls off and hits the floor with a clang. Inside the cabinet is a syringe filled with a liquid that, under the red light, looks black.

You are not wearing a trenchcoat.

19:03 / 27.11.07

Oh, that's right. I'd forgotten.

Get syringe. Heft ashtray. Go Up.

Regrettable Juvenilia

19:18 / 27.11.07

You take the syringe.

With the ashtray in one hand, you walk up the stairs.

You are on a balcony. It runs around three edges of the room - western, northern and eastern - and you are on the western edge. There are two doors on the western and eastern sides of the room, marked 9, 11, 10 and 12 according to the system with which you are now familiar. At the southern end of the eastern balcony, there is another staircase leading up.

Unfortunately, to get there, you would have to get past the seven foot tall, bald, bearded thug standing at the northern end of the western balcony, directly in front of you.

The bald man smiles, showing you a mouthful of gold-capped teeth. He speaks in a thick accent you can't place, and his tone is jovial. He holds one finger up and wags it disapprovingly.

"You again! Naughty, naughty!"

19:55 / 27.11.07

Start hitting the large bald man in the gold teeth with the ashtray, plus chopping him in the throat, kneeing him in the lower stomach etc. Do not stop, do not let up for a second. While crying a small tear with regard to the potentially harrowing political consequences involved.

While humming 'MLK' by U2.

Regrettable Juvenilia

20:43 / 27.11.07

You hit the large bald man in the face with the ashtray. The ashtray shatters into several pieces. The man laughs heartily, puts a hand to his mouth and removes a chunk of gold. He inspects it, laughs again, and flicks it over the side of the balcony.

"Ha ha ha! You are being more fun this time!"

Punk's been eating his spinach.

You strike the side of your hand into what ought to be the softest and most vulnerable part of his throat, as hard as you can, in a movement that comes easily for reasons you're not sure of.

It's like trying to fell an oak tree with your bare hand.

The bald man looks at you expectently, and scratches his beard, still smiling. He says:

"I am strong as the ox!"

You bring your knee up with maximum force to impact his lower stomach.

He's a brick wall. You may have done something bad to your kneecap. At the moment it hurts too much to tell.

"Now it is my turn!", says the big man, in a friendly voice. He swats at you absent-mindedly with the back of his hand. The blows picks you up and throws you several feet, and you land flat on your back on the metal grating of the balcony.

Ears ringing, vision blurry, but actually, you know you got lucky. If he'd knocked you further back, you might have cracked your skull open against the wall, or fallen down the stairwell and broken your neck. You shouldn't have let up, shouldn't have slowed down, shouldn't have given him his chance. All in all, you'd have to say you deserved what you got, or worse.

He advances, saying something about having been the strongest boy in the orphanage.

If only you could stand up.

20:50 / 27.11.07

Ask him if he'd like a cup of special coffee? Or half a chocolate bar?

Regrettable Juvenilia

21:03 / 27.11.07

"Ho ho ho! You have been talking to Professor Winter! He is a funny little man! Always thinking I want to drink his terrible coffee, when it smells worse than one of his shits! I drink only tea from back home in Аҧсны."

You manage to produce the bar of Nutty Brown and offer it up weakly.

"Ah, that is my chocolate bar! Where did you find it? Perhaps you have killed the Professor and taken it from him, you scamp. He steals my chocolate, and then he writes terrible lies saying I steal from him. My sister says I should not eat so much chocolate, she says it is why I have such bad teeth" - here he leans over you and bares even more of his dental repairwork and adornment than you'd thought possible - "see?"

He takes the chocolate bar from you and bites in.

"Always my dear Katya, she thinks of my well-being. Ever since back in the orphanage! Very well", he continues, munching noisily, leaning against the handrail of the balcony, and waving his hand to indicate you should stand*, "I will give you a few minutes to catch your breath."

*You still can't stand. It feels like there's no air in your lungs.

21:13 / 27.11.07

While injecting self with the contents of the syringe, explain to the gold-toothed man that the last time you saw the Nutty Brown chocolate bar it was hiding uncomfortably close to PW's "crown jewels."

Regrettable Juvenilia

21:19 / 27.11.07

You slip the syringe out of your satchel while the man is not really even paying you any attention, just rambling on some more about his sister and how handy she is with a sniper rifle.

From this angle, you can see the man has a tattoo of a monkey on his left shoulder. (This is because he is wearing a sleeveless black AC/DC t-shirt.)

Hang on a minute. Didn't Pete Doherty say something just before his death about being hired by a bearded heavy with a monkey tattoo on his shoulder?

That's where you've seen this guy before! It's the same bearded thug who coshed you over the head in the car park, took your money and ammo, and dumped you in a clearing in the jungle! You whisper:

"You absolute fucker..."

He turns to look at you and smiles sadly.

"No hard feelings, eh? It is just business for my sister, you see."

Then he notices you are about to inject yourself with the syringe.

"I would not do that if I were you."

"That chocolate bar you've just eaten... It was in the Professor's front trouser pocket. And the pocket had a hole in it."

The big man frowns.

"I would still not do that if I were you", he says, slowly and deliberately.

00:34 / 28.11.07

Say, "Не абсурдно, товарищ."

Say, "Если вы желаете меня мертвым, вы убили меня давно. Поэтому вы хотите меня живьем. Поэтому, чтобы сорвать вам и вы посмотрите глупо, я буду убивать себя, если вы делаете то, что я говорю вам. Поверьте мне, моя жизнь очень мало стоит мне."

Say, "Во всяком случае, я думаю, вы ошибочно меня кто-то другой."

00:57 / 28.11.07

Add "Я раскрыл бы мое горло к небесам из стыда, был I вы, камрад. Вы видели положение боев того человека?"

01:05 / 28.11.07

And then syringe him in the fleshy part of one of his ankles.

07:57 / 28.11.07

Adding finally, as you do, whilst also exhausting every last part of knowledge of Russian: "Я знаю это в советской России, мясистая часть лодыжки syringed Вы. Но мы не находимся в советской России, не так ли?"

Regrettable Juvenilia

08:00 / 28.11.07

"Russian to me will always be language of the oppressors! Ever since 1829 they took my country, piece by piece. It is you who should be ashamed to speak that filthy tongue of communists and theives!"

The big man frowns.

"But if you think I am going to kill you, it is you who have made a mistake! We know very well who you are now. Much confusion earlier, all a result of mix-up about shared genetic codes. I do not pretend to understand such things! I think it is risk when working with amateur goons and former pop stars."

He leans down and grabs you by the feet, then starts to drag you along the balcony much in the manner you dragged Winter earlier.

"We go see my sister now."

As he drags you, you manage to reach over and stab the syringe into the fleshy part of his left ankles, in the gap between his black jogging pants and sky blue trainers. He doesn't seem to notice: his skin is tougher than old boots even there. But somehow - and it takes all your remaining strength - you depress the plunger on the syringe and inject the black liquid into him.

The big man looks down, mildly distracted.

"Tsk!"

He reaches down, plucks the syringe out his leg, and tosses it over the side of the balcony.

"I think it will take more than that to slow me down! How silly. In Pskhu, they called me the Giant! You would need less of that drug to knock out an elephant!"

And yet, for all his bluster, as he continues to drag you round the balcony, you realise he seems to be breathing more heavily, and moving with greater effort. By the time he's dragged you to the bottom of the staircase at the southern end of the eastern balcony, it's fair to say that he's slowed down.

This doesn't stop him picking you up by your neck and lifting you bodily up the stairs, almost throttling you in the process.

He drops you at the top of the stairs, and you land on a linoleum floor. The big man sits down heavily on the top step, and with drooping eyelids and a slur tells you:

"You are a tricky one! I can see why my sister likes you, after all. I think I will just have a little nap now..."

And he falls asleep, right where he's sitting, drooling out of one corner of his mouth.

Regrettable Juvenilia

08:08 / 28.11.07

Now that the Abkhazian is sleeping, you can safely quip something about being a long way from the USSR.

Then you stand up and examine the room you're in. It's much bigger than the ones below it, and the lighting is less oppressive. There is a row of five doors at intervals along the Western (rooms 13, 15, 17, 19 and 21) and Eastern walls (rooms 14, 16, 18, 20 and 22). To the NORTH is a door marked #23 in significantly larger digits.

Past the slumbering Giant, a staircase leads DOWN but there's another one leading UP.

09:04 / 28.11.07

Write in lipstick, next to the Giant's sleeping form "Professor Winter boast about how he have beaten you in a fight now! But, if caught in time, Winter may yet be stopped from posting photos on the interweb ..."

North, into Lab #23.

Regrettable Juvenilia

10:12 / 28.11.07

You scrawl on the wall in 'Bad Faith' lipstick:

Professor Winter boast about how he have beaten you in a fight now! But, if caught in time, Winter may yet be stopped from posting photos on the interweb ...

Doing so wears the lipstick down to a useless nub, and so you drop it.

You walk over to door #23. It's unlocked. You enter.

You are in Lab #23. It is a noticeably cleaner room than any you have been in since entering the Facility. The walls, floor and ceiling are pristine white.

In the middle of the room is a metal surgical table, about the right size for a person about your size to lie down on, with restraints at either end. Above it is a light that can be lowered from the ceiling for close examinations. Next to it is a small folding table, on which there is a scalpel and a personal data assistant.

There is a closet here, to the NORTH. The only other door is SOUTH.

10:19 / 28.11.07

Indulge in a spot of ontological terrorism.

10:28 / 28.11.07

Then head North, if still possible.

Open cabinet.

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