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Text Adventure Game Emulator #1

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Regrettable Juvenilia

15:00 / 04.12.07

You pick over the bodies of the fallen guards like some kind of carrion bird. Many of them still clutch their SMGs (of which you cannot carry more than one, nor any more ammo than that already contained in the one you have), and all of them have nothing in their pockets except the same small cards donating their bodies to science, and telling you their names. Adrian Laserva. Roscoe P. Coldchain. Thomasina Gout. William B. Fuckley. The names of the fallen. The names of the dead.

When you get to the last two guards, however, you find that underneath one rather overweight corpse (Raul Portillo, his donor card tells you), there is a guard who is still breathing. You pull poor Raul off him, and he gasps in pain and relief.

"Th-thanks, mate", he says, weakly. "I thought I was done for... oh god."

He's sort of cute, if you like the pasty, rake-thin, big-nosed junkie ne'er-do-well look. He is bleeding from a scratch on his forehead and a bullet hole in his belly.

You give him a strange look, take out your scalpel and penknife, and begin to juggle with them.

"Wh-what are you doing?" he asks. "Please, mate, I think I need medical attention..."

You cannot dance around to 'Rocking In All Over The World' in your head, because you do not know a song with that name.

00:17 / 05.12.07

(Maybe sing "Pimpin' All Over the World" instead?)

Put knife and scalpel safely away.

Staunch guard's blood flow.

Talk to guard.

Regrettable Juvenilia

07:32 / 05.12.07

You put your knife and scalpel safely away, and sing softly to yourself "The fancy cars, the women and the caviar, you know who we are..." This doesn't especially reassure the guard.

With what do you wish to staunch the guard's blood flow?

What do you wish to say to him?

08:38 / 05.12.07

Staunch blood flow with piece of fabric from his shirt, cut (carefully) with pen-knife.

08:39 / 05.12.07

Look for first aid kit, alternatively tear strips from non-claret covered soldier clothing.

"Did you see who did this? Where did they go? You're going to be okay buddy."

Sound confident and in control. Check around periodically. Long for easier times, like before I woke up in the jungle.

Regrettable Juvenilia

10:22 / 05.12.07

You can't see a first aid kit anywhere, so you take out your penknife again and cut some fabric from the shirt of the nearest dead guard (Raul).

You try to staunch the bleeding of the injured guard's gutshot, but something tells you his prospects don't look good.

"Did you see who did this? Where did they go?", you ask as you tend to him, while glancing around to make sure nobody is approaching.

"The b-boss said his name was... name was Highgraves... He... he had a girl with him... They went... into the lift... Oh God, I'm dying, innit?"

"You're going to be okay buddy", you reassure him, sounding as confident and in control as you can. But it rings hollow: it's a lie.

Suddenly he grabs your arm tightly with bloodied fingers and pulls you in close.

"My... my girl. T-tell her I always luvved 'er... even when I was doing terrible things for the money... I always thought of her... She... she sings at the bar of the Dancing Bear Inn... G-give her this..."

He presses a bloodstained locket into your hand, lets out a gutteral, rattling breath, and collapses, eyes sightless, dead.

10:42 / 05.12.07

Look in locket.

11:18 / 05.12.07

Gah! Obviously Highgraves did this, since he was on the elevator that left this room mere moments ago! I'm such a dolt!

Take guard's donor card.

Put Large Brass Coin in guard's mouth.

Wear Locket.
Wear Watch.

Put:
- a typed memo about my financial worth
- a small slip of paper with a crude map drawn on it

inside:
- the envelope Robert gave me before his untimely death

Fold up envelope and put it in front pocket of pants.

Put Money Clip in opposite pocket.

CAREFULLY house scalpel in watchband, wrapping blade in a shred of improvised bandage.

Put penknife in back pocket.

Engage safety mechanism on .45 pistols (2). Put one in rear wasteband, one in the front.

Get more ammo.

11:19 / 05.12.07

Excuse me. "Trousers".

Regrettable Juvenilia

13:35 / 05.12.07

You take the guard's donor card. It identifies him as Milton Ford-Civic.

You fasten Milton's bloodstained locket round your neck, and Robert's watch around your left wrist. You slip the typed memo about your financial worth, and the crude map, inside the envelope Robert gave you before his untimely death. You fold up the envelope and stuff it into the front right-hand pocket of your blue jeans. You put the money clip containing 77 dollah into the front left-hand pocket.

You wrap the blade of the scalpel in a shred of improvised bandage, but can't get it to stay in your watch band, so put it back in your satchel. You put the penknife in your back pocket.

The safety mechanism on your .45 pistols is already on. You do not have a "wasteband", so you shove one of them down the front of your jeans, and one down the back.

You fill your satchel with as much SMG ammo as will fit, not bothering to count it.

You open Milton's mouth and place the Large Brass Coin on his lolling dead junkie tongue. The Coin glows strangely for a moment, then fades out of existence. It's probably not important.

14:17 / 05.12.07

Look around to remind self where possible exits are.

Regrettable Juvenilia

14:19 / 05.12.07

There is a glass door offering an exit to the WEST. There is also an elevator door to the SOUTH.

14:28 / 05.12.07

Go through glass door, preferably by opening it rather than by smashing any body parts against it.

Regrettable Juvenilia

15:31 / 05.12.07

You pull open the glass door and exit west.

You are on a rooftop. A strong wind buffets you, and you can smell the sea and hear gulls cawing. You can also smell something burning.

The roof drops away on three sides, but to the east is the wall of the third floor of the building, from which you have just made an exit. You can see jungle to the south, and blue sky and sea to the west and north.

There is a helicopter on a helipad to the NORTH-WEST, near the corner of the roof. Directly NORTH is a fire escape, that descends the outside of the building.

15:46 / 05.12.07

Think to self "Do I know how to fly a helicopter? And if not, how difficult can it be? There's probably an up-and-down lever and a side-to-side thingy, and as long as I don't put my hand in the spinny sharp bit I'll probably be laughing."

ONLY NICE THINGS

15:55 / 05.12.07

Enter helicopter.

Regrettable Juvenilia

20:06 / 05.12.07

You walk up to the helicopter and check the cockpit door. It's unlocked. You open the door and clamber in.

You examine the helicopter controls.

Seems simple enough. You can TAKE OFF whenever you're ready.

Suddenly you remember that you meant to look at the locket. You take it from around your neck and open it.

It contains a black and white photo showing Milton and his lady love in happier times. She is a heavily made-up, tattooed woman with an enormous beehive hairdo, wearing a tanktop. He is wearing a porkpie hat and natty suit.

"Grrrurrrgghhh!"

What was that inhuman noise?

You look up to see, to your surprise, the man in the photograph in the locket, standing just outside the door you came through to get to the roof. He has his arms stretched out in front of him as if in supplication, and is lurching forward, mouth hanging open, eyes vacant, guts falling out of his belly. His skin is tinged blue-grey. There's something familiar about the way he's advancing on the helicopter. Where have you seen someone or something shuffling along like that before?

Oh yeah.

Milton seems to have become a zombie.

ONLY NICE THINGS

20:30 / 05.12.07

Start rotors.

Use rotors to behead zombie.

Blame zombie for girlfriend's troubles.

Take off.

Regrettable Juvenilia

21:43 / 05.12.07

You gun the throttle and the rotor blades whirl into motion. You wait for Milton - if that is even who he is anymore - to stagger closer... closer...

When he's within range, you give it even more throttle, and achieve sufficient RPM for the helicopter to lift off the roof slightly. Then, using the pitch control lever, you angle the 'copter forward and plough the spinning rotors into the zombie's face.

The effect this achieves is both messier and more spectacular than the word "behead" really conveys.

"She's better off without you", you growl.

Unfortunately, Milton's blood and brains now cover most of the cockpit window, limiting your visibility severely. You angle the rotors back to bring the 'copter level, and ascend further into the air, trying to see past the gory stains as best you can.

What you can see is that the helicopter has veered north slightly, and is now hovering over the sea. You can also see the fire escape running up the side of the Abraham Facility building, and a figure in a red jacket running up the fire escape. They seem to be carrying some kind of metal tube on one shoulder.

22:09 / 05.12.07

Haul ass the fuck out of there. Head for Cuba, for that one place with the amazing mojitos Gong Li once showed us.

Regrettable Juvenilia

22:29 / 05.12.07

You do not know the way to Cuba, and nor does teh Computer.

The figure on the fire escape - whom you now recognise as Agent KHan - points the metal tube - which you now recognise as a 9K38 Igla short-range surface-to-air missile launcher - straight at you.

In which direction do you wish to go?

ONLY NICE THINGS

22:32 / 05.12.07

Down.

22:54 / 05.12.07

While looking at the dashboard to see if the helicopter has any capability to fire distracting flares or anything else that might baffle the missile launcher.

07:48 / 06.12.07

which you now recognise as a 9K38 Igla short-range surface-to-air missile launcher

Given my ability to identify this bit of kit so precisely. Does it fire heat seekers?

Regrettable Juvenilia

18:13 / 06.12.07

The designation 9K38 Igla refers to a Russian/Soviet man-portable infrared homing surface-to-air missile (SAM), rather than its launch tube.

You have now also identified the helicopter as a Mil Mi-34 (NATO reporting name "Hermit"), a two-seat light helicopter that carries no weapons or countermeasures.

You descend in the helicopter as fast as it can go.

What happens next, you have to piece together from the evidence, as you don't really see any of it.

You know from the loud BOOOM! to the south and above you that Agent KHan fired the Igla. You also know from the fact that the helicopter didn't explode a couple of seconds thereafter that you brought it down low enough for the missile to initially miss.

However, from the way the 'copter shook a few minutes later, and the heat and smell of acrid smoke coming from above you, not to mention the sickly schreeching noise the rotors started to make, you deduce that the missile's homing function must have turned it around, and sent it back not in time to hit the 'copter head on, but in time to clip the rotor assembly. An explosion to the south immediately after that told you that the missle hit the wall of the Abraham Facility. Maybe you got lucky, and it took out the fire escape and Agent KHan with it.

Maybe not.

You are losing altitude. The sea rises up to meet you.

My Mom Thinks I'm Cool

18:21 / 06.12.07

dive out - did we close the door? I don't see any closing of the door in the narrative.

attempt to dive angly and swim laterally so as to get out from under the falling helicopter. toward land.

20:33 / 06.12.07

Land as distant from agent KHan etc as possible.

Regrettable Juvenilia

20:39 / 06.12.07

You open the cockpit door, which teh Computer forgot to mention you closed (many apologies), and which fortunately opens on the side of the helicopter currently facing north, allowing you to dive out away from the Abraham Facility and all who currently reside in or on the side of said building.

This is a good thing, as just before you hit the water, the Abraham Facility is replaced by an enormous ball of flame and flying debris.

The SMG slips out of your hand as soon as you hit the surface of the sea. Down into the water you plunge. You start to resurface, but your satchel, weighed down with ammunition, has somehow wrapped its strap tightly around your ankle, and begins to pull you down to Davey Jones' Locker.

20:53 / 06.12.07

Try not to panic.

Remove satchel from round leg, using pen knife if necessary.

Think about having a relaxing break somewhere far away from all this violence while doing this, possibly listening to the complete works of Enya.

Regrettable Juvenilia

21:20 / 06.12.07

You try to pull the satchel strap off your leg, but it's stuck. Running out of air, you manage to reach into your back pocket, take out the penknife, fumble it open, reach down and start to saw at the strap. Everything is going dark. There's a pressure building in your chest and in your head.

Suddenly the strap gives, and you kick upwards desperately. Your head breaches the waves and you gasp in relief.

Somehow, you find the strength and wherewithall to grab onto a bobbing piece of debris, haul yourself as far onto it as you can, and hold on tight, even as you slip into unconsciousness...

Regrettable Juvenilia

21:21 / 06.12.07

Time passes.

You awake to the sound of waves breaking on a shore. Your cheek is pressed against wet sand.

21:51 / 06.12.07

Sit up, look around.

00:44 / 07.12.07

Do some yoga.

02:16 / 07.12.07

Inventory.

07:56 / 07.12.07

Rising unsteadily to our feet, think 'Where am I? Why do I have deja vu?'

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