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'Hello... Is that Dr G? (sotto voce,) Oh bollocks mum, it's just a machine... What ? No, ok, ok... Mum get a fucking life yeah ?
'Sorry about that... Ok, Hi... Hi... My name is Craig. From Big Brother? I was sitting at home basting 'small Craig' in lard the other day, yeah, (*giggles*) and doing a google search on my name, and this message board came up! So I got the researchers at Endemol to get me your home phone number... Aren't I naughty... Anyway, really interested in the insights you seem to have on my sexuality, I mean I've never felt so understood, god, so I was just wondering if we could meet up and talk about my problems, yeah ? Not that I'm a fucking saddo or anything, but, y'know... Well you understand, right? Not like that tosser Anthony...
'Anyway don't worry about phoning back, Dr G, Channel Four got me your address as well, honestly they treat you like royalty, god, so I'll just come round one evening shall I? Really looking forward to it... See you soon!'
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