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The miserable thread

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12:30 / 31.03.06

Condolences to you Tango-Mango and as much positive energy as possible to Stoatie and inchoate. My dad died of cancer many moons ago despite removing the best part of his lungs and a kidney, he smoked a pipe for years though and lived an enormously stressful life, running away from the KGB at one point and then being denounced by his family (as was customary in Poland in those days), so an innings was had so to speak.

Hope all goes well.

20:25 / 31.03.06

Shit, shit, shit. I can't not shoot the puppy. How the Sam Hill do I not shoot it?

20:29 / 31.03.06

Do you really want me to tell you?

20:30 / 31.03.06

I know it, too.

It´s not so difficult to figure out. But be warned, it takes a lot of patience!

20:31 / 31.03.06

We're like the evil knowledge hoarders.

20:32 / 31.03.06

I really do want you to tell me, really a lot.

Mistoffelees, I have no patience when dead puppies are clearly my responsibility. Oh dear poor puppies.

20:33 / 31.03.06

Oh....

Do I just not play?

20:34 / 31.03.06

Well, I got to level three by *not* moving my mouse.

20:42 / 31.03.06

Bastards got me at level 11.

20:46 / 31.03.06

I got to level nine and then I fell for the skip level button because I pressed 'R'. Which made the gun go off.

Before that I sent him to eternal suffering, but I also got him a ball.

Secretly at first I was quite glad the puppy died because I reclaimed my mouse, but now I feel miserable for having thought that...

20:56 / 31.03.06

Level 11 is really devious.

21:06 / 31.03.06

At first I was quite glad the puppy died because I reclaimed my mouse, but now I feel miserable for having thought that...

21:27 / 31.03.06

I didn't shoot the puppy. I didn't shoot the puppy when he went to sleep for a bit on level 13 and I didn't shoot the puppy when he walked really slowly on level 14 and then when I cleared the screen on level 15 I won.

BUT.

I had already made a decision to shoot the puppy on level 16 if I didn't win by then.

I am evil. I would have shot the puppy and that's what matters.

23:54 / 03.04.06

One of those mithering annoyances but I feel a bit ill. Aside from that I have an awful feeling that something terrible is about to happen. Soon.

18:06 / 05.04.06

My job, it sucks and I really don't like it, but not quite enough to overcome my inertia and roll me out of the rut I am in.
I really am astonishingly lazy.

Less searchable M0rd4nt

23:21 / 13.04.06

The vinyl-covered dumbells are chunky, rounded, a pleasing shade of bright blue. They look a bit like something out of an educational comic on the importance of keeping fit. They are roughly two feet away from my fingers when I stretch out my hand.

Health and strength, just a single step away. And I can't reach them.

*

09:22 / 01.05.06

For the last five months I've been giving 200% of everything I had to help everyone who needed it, 200% of my strength pushing impossible situations to get just a little bit better. Instead, I've done about 200% of my capacity to do harm, and pushed with 200% of my strength in the utterly wrong direction. I've made a complete hash out of about a dozen people's lives. And bridges are looking really attractive right now.

I fucked up. Badly. I don't want to be here anymore (and here is anywhere I can potentially do more harm). And I feel like shit, further, for feeling this way when I wasn't the one who was harmed; I have no right to be wallowing like this. But there is absolutely nothing I can do to rectify things. That has rightly been taken out of my hands so I don't fuck things up further. So there is nothing left to me but to try, as I've been trying all my life, to find a way to stop the cycle of guilt and pain in a constructive fashion.

So far nothing's occurred.

09:34 / 01.05.06

Ouch. I'm really sorry to hear that things have gone so wrong. Hang in there and look after yourself. You say you feel like you're not the one who's been harmed so you have no right to feel bad about it, but you also say the situation's been taken out of your hands. So it sounds to me like the bit of pain and hurt that you have the most power over, and should prioritize the most, at the moment, is your own. Really. Try and be nice to yourself. And ask yourself if there is anyone else in the world whose 'right' to their feelings of unhappiness you would deny.

(Incidentally I should make it clear - mostly for anyone else reading this who might think I have Insider Knowledge - that I have absolutely no idea what this situation is.)

Oh, and also, I'm sure it feels a bit pale and insubstantial next to your RL stuff, but you have been pushing this place so much in the right direction and making it a better place for so many people lately.

09:38 / 01.05.06

Damn right!

*

14:53 / 01.05.06

Thanks you two. I'm going to talk to Relevant People about getting some counseling, if it's within my means right now.

16:14 / 01.05.06

Yayy counselling! (If you're a student, can you get it for free? I got a bunch of free counselling through unis, both as student and as employee.)

Regrettable Juvenilia

17:52 / 01.05.06

Oh, and also, I'm sure it feels a bit pale and insubstantial next to your RL stuff, but you have been pushing this place so much in the right direction and making it a better place for so many people lately.

Thirded to the power of 10. Keep yr head up, (id)!

18:36 / 01.05.06

Fourthed! Keep pushing, id...

*

19:20 / 01.05.06

I'm looking into possibilities for counseling through my university, which has a small very warmfuzzy psych program. I think I have a few other potential options.

Thanks for your supportiveness.

18:33 / 05.05.06

Wow... I seem to be trapped in a miasma of bad luck. First a job falls through so I'm out of work for a week and really flat broke. The dog gets sick so I spend $150 at the vet. My car needs to be inspected so I have to use my credit card. Then the day I finally have work again my car breaks and goes into the shop so I can't work. Meanwhile my SO starts school and switches to part-time work so I'm supposed to be helping him financially right now. Every day this week the mechanic has called to tell me they have to keep my car another day and wait for a part or fix something else. I've now been out of work two weeks. Today my SO called to tell me he fucked up badly at work and may lose his job over it since he's already on thin ice for going PT. I've lost $1000 in wages in addition to the $450 the car repair's going to cost. I just went to the garage and put my foot down - I'm taking my car back tomorrow because I cannot lose another day of work. But I'm knowingly running the risk of worse damage to the car. I'm panicking because if I lose my car I lose my job. I can't afford another car, even a cheap junker. I have no safety net. No savings, no credit, no wealthy parent, I'm just dangling. Something is seriously out of wack with my karma or something... does something have to die to set things right again? Oh god, it's my car isn't it.

Don't post too close to me, you may catch it.

18:59 / 05.05.06

That sounds like extremely bad luck, my misery looks pale compared to yours.
I'm just sad because I feel that after having moved to this country 5 years ago, I still haven't made many friends. My sister came to visit for a week but left yesterday and I'm already missing her and am starting to feel homesick. But whenever I go back it doesn't feel like home anymore and I can't wait to be back in England. Yes, I am feeling whingy!

(And I just knew that my first post on barbelith would be on the misery thread.)

Less searchable M0rd4nt

23:36 / 09.05.06

I wish I could stop missing the people I thought other people were before I discovered the people who they turned out to be really.

23:40 / 09.05.06

Ooh... MC, that is rough, definitely been there. My sympathies!

23:48 / 09.05.06

Indeed. Sympathies, Mordant.

22:28 / 10.05.06

I am filling in a form that I have to fill in every 6 months or so about Arthritis. It's a levels testing form. It has lists of normal everyday tasks (putting on socks, using the car keys) and the filler-inner has to mark these tasks on a scale from 'no awareness' to 'noticably difficult'. There is also a pain level section, 1-5.

For the last two years or so my levels have been the same, 'some small difficulty, pain level 1'. This time there are now things I cannot actually do. Some days I cannot pull on my socks without it really hurting, I cannot shut the binlid with my fingertips, I cannot turn the key in the door using finger-turning power; I have to use my wrist.

I am answering 'noticably difficult, pain level 3-4'.

I am 33.

This is unfair and I hate it.

22:37 / 10.05.06

Lula, that is extremely shit, my father has been afflicted with something reasonably similar for a large part of his life and I know he hates it too. He's never offered any nuggets of wisdom unfortunately and I don't really know of any response that doesn't sound like a platitude but I am sorry, it is unfair.

23:20 / 14.05.06

"Adolescent angst".

School is absolutely horrible and devoid of interest or value, full of people only superficially worthy of much attention - even if a surprisingly decent faction of class is at least sweet.
Two infatuations for heterosexual members of the same sex in a row? Fun.
English feeling rusty and words lacking, very much so.
Not being able to vent through writing, with each and every story or pseudo-poem being abandoned just as it starts.
Oh, and the exams are coming on, and then one of my best friends is off to London.

Not anything close to a sign that anything will get better, complaining on a board of people who have, naturally, nothing to do with any of this, and knowing full well that I could put a positive spin on it all, but that right now, I'm just not able of doing so.

Well, at least it's rather competently listed now.

Disco is My Class War

05:19 / 15.05.06

Can't live with [X]; can't live without [X].

[X] drives me crazy; I mostly don't believe I'd survive without [X].

I no longer trust myself to make the right decision. I keep deciding to keep doing [X] by default because I'm a coward.

I've come to believe that maybe life is just one long bitter compromise and that you just have to bear it, and not even hope for better than what you have, which just doesn't feel like me at all. I feel like character in a George Eliot novel who's just institutionalised himself to nagging discontent and really wants to be told that better is possible, more is possible. And meanwhile the other parts of my life feel drained and I can't enjoy the fact that I am lucky, blessed with opportunities and talents and amazing people who love me and and and.

And Lula, that pain sounds like it sucks incredibly. I seriously don't know people live with chronic pain. My utmost sympathies....

07:10 / 15.05.06

Hi Lula,

my mother suffered from rheumatoid arthritis. I don't know how early she first noticed it but it was certainly a serious problem by the time she was forty. It is unfair, it's hellish. Perhaps they can do more for it nowadays - my mother wasn't well cared for, our local doctor was more interested in his cows than his patients. Do keep up to date with possible therapies. Anything that'll hinder it's development in the early stages is worth it.

Sorry, you know that yourself.

Regrettable Juvenilia

09:12 / 15.05.06

Yeah, sorry to hear that Lula, and Disco for that matter... I never know whether to say "hope things get better soon!" or "hope other good things happen soon!" or just "keep yr chin up!" or send teh positive psych1k energy... Anyway, I was going to have a good old moan and ANGSTFEST here but really I don't have any good reason to. I'm just going to get the words PULL YRSELF TOGETHER printed out and stuck above my computer monitor.

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