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The miserable thread

  
  

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Regrettable Juvenilia
13:08 / 03.07.07
matt, I am honestly not trying to be mean, even though I am admittedly a person who is mean on occasion... But one of us is a little confused. What do you mean by the following?

I haven't had any sexual desires since this began.

Towards the girl in question, or anyone else?
 
 
matthew.
13:18 / 03.07.07
Sorry, it's out of context. I had typed this out for a friend of mine and I forgot to edit that out. Whoops!
 
 
Pooky Is Just My Pornstar Name
13:28 / 03.07.07
Thanks, Decadent Nightfalling, for the words of encouragement. I phoned Via Rail this morning and they are giving me a free passage back home! I suspect this isn't just graciousness at work here though. When I purchased my round-trip ticket, I paid more for it than usual. This was due to my booking at the last minute, and to me not taking there summer special deal of a reduced fare. I didn't take the reduced fare because the ticket operator mentioned that should I miss the train or have to cancel, the ticket was non-refundable or exchangeable. Since I'm a cautious person by nature, I decide to purchase the more expensive ticket on the off-chance that should something untoward happen, I would be covered. And low and behold, it did! Had I purchased the reduced fare ticket and missed my train, I would have been forced to pay for a new one.

Though I do believe that my more expensive ticket saved my bacon, I hasten to add that Via Rail has been pretty understanding and sympathetic. When I phoned earlier this morning to explain the situation, the rep was kind and polite. I had changed my departure time to late morning today. However, due to lack of sleep, nerves, sour stomach and too much coffee and a hastily eaten breakfast of yogurt and orange juice, I actually did get sick and ended up vomiting it back up. How's that for ironic? I emailed my boss and told him that I was unwell and had a queasy stomach, and it turns out to be true! Anyway, after being sick, I decide I didn't want to rush to get to the train station. The herky jerky ride on the bus, the stress of meeting the earlier departure date, the rush of getting to the train station from the burbs where my sister lives and into to town all became very, very, unappealing. So I re-phoned Via, explained that I had fallen ill and now wanted to re-schedule again for an afternoon departure. Not only did they do that without a complaint, the rep actually wished me well. Damn good service from those Via Rail reps, I gotta say.

I'm no longer as pissed with myself too. Upon analyzing the situation, I think my brain, so used to keeping track of dates and deadlines for work really went on "Holdiay Mode" and said, "Fuck it, stop clock watching, stop looking at the calendar, just enjoy yourself." And enjoy myself I did, so much so that I confused my departure dates!

Let this be a lesson to you, my fellow, 'lithers. Check your tickets before and during your vacation . It can save you a lot of grief, money, and embrassement down the line.
 
 
Princess
20:57 / 03.07.07
So, we split up.
And it was all completely amicable and I as actually he driving force behind all of the split.

But it's still over. After three whole years of my life. That's since I was 17. That's a major portion of my life since I became properly alive and aware. I just feel like I've done something stupid.

Shit.

Being this drunk probably isn't helping to see this in an objective fashion. Will be ebtter in the morning though.
 
 
Spaniel
21:01 / 03.07.07
If you're that drunk it quite possibly won't be, although I imagine you've done the right thing, remember that if the hangover makes the world look ill and wrong.
 
 
Princess
05:39 / 04.07.07
The world looks ill and wrong.

Damn you, mother's ruin!
 
 
Hallo, Paper Spaceboy
06:01 / 04.07.07
Aww, Benjaprincess. Hope you're feeling better. The Gin can only do so much.
 
 
Ex
07:25 / 04.07.07
Bah, sorry, Ben. Three years is a chunk. Good luck with whatever happens next.
 
 
Janean Patience
07:35 / 04.07.07
Pooky: Like Janean Patience (aka Endless Love), I've also missed a depature date on a vacation. Though in my case, it's a train not a plane. My return ticket back home to Montreal was TODAY, July 2nd, not July 3rd. Somehow, I got the dates confused and only just realized it... Due to my fuck-up, I may have to fork out an additional $140 bucks or so to get home. It's not the $800 or so pounds that Endless Love had to fork out, but still, it's a pisser.

I love that I've become Barbelith's poster boy for fucking up travel arrangements. Hey, my mistake has to be good for someone. Glad it all worked out for you, Pooky, and that the train company were willing to be understanding. They've shown me the same consideration in the past. It's airlines in particular that have no flexibility.

Let this be a lesson to Barbelith. Check your tickets against a calendar a week or so before travelling. Don't, as I did, decide that you know when your flight is and not bother to check. Involve a third party if possible who won't have your assumptions on board. Listen to other people when they say "I thought you were flying on Saturday? Isn't that what you said?"
 
 
Janean Patience
07:43 / 04.07.07
And commiserations to Princess for the break-up. Doing the right thing in ending relationships is always immediately followed by howling doubt and all the regrets you push down while you get it over with. It's harder still when you're young because so much of your identity is tied up with that person and that relationship. The axion 'Time's a great healer' is inaccurate; time doesn't heal the wound, but it does take it further and further away.
 
 
Regrettable Juvenilia
08:14 / 04.07.07
matt, I'm afraid I'm still a bit confused - I was asking what that comment meant because I can't work out in what sense you meant you'd been "sort of seeing" this person. I hope you don't mind me asking: have the two of you kissed or had any kind of sexual activity? Because while talking on the phone, hanging out talking in cars, going for walks and eating in restaurants can be part of the beginning of a sexual relationship, they do not inevitably lead to one, nor should they be thought of as unambiguous aspects of some kind of courting process.

So I don't really think it's fair to say that "A chance at a relationship and it's fucked up by her omission." Perhaps this person should have realised you wanted a sexual relationship with her, if that's what you want (that's why I asked for clarification on the "haven't had any sexual desires" comment). But I don't believe it's somehow an obligation for women or men to say "by the way, I have a partner" within two weeks of meeting another person they like hanging out with.

As for this individual's behaviour after you sent an email declaring your sexual/romantic interest... I think the thing to bear in mind is that two years is enough time for the possibility of a relationship ending to be a very big deal, and two weeks isn't, necessarily. You're going to have to be patient. "Take your time" is a good thing to say, as long as it's clear you mean a supportive "whatever you need to do, do" and not a specific ultimatum. "What does a break mean for me and you?" is not a very good question to be asking someone at this point - I don't think it was the right thing for either a supportive, ethical friend or a strategising suitor to say.

Ask yourself, do you like this person a lot, so much so that you're sure you want to be with them rather than just any woman who gives a glimmer of being available and willing? If it's the former, you'll want to give her as much time and space as she needs, and you'll want what's best for her first and foremost, regardless of whether that involves you as anything more than someone it's nice to hang out with. If it's the latter, you're not exactly following the path of least resistance.
 
 
Spaniel
08:33 / 04.07.07
Janean, around 8 years ago, hungover and sleep depraved after a night of post graduation partying, on the morning I was due to fly out to New York, my friend and fellow holidayer discovered that my passport was out of date.

Surprisingly things worked out for the best in the end, and we all made it the Big Apple, but not without gargantuan effort and a fair bit of luck.

You're not alone, basically.
 
 
Janean Patience
08:40 / 04.07.07
No, but nor is it the first time my partner and I have done this...
 
 
Tryphena Absent
10:21 / 04.07.07
while talking on the phone, hanging out talking in cars, going for walks and eating in restaurants can be part of the beginning of a sexual relationship, they do not inevitably lead to one

Thank god because that would make most of our sexual histories very sketchy.
 
 
All Acting Regiment
10:54 / 04.07.07
Yeah, again I'd be wary of people "on breaks". People "on breaks", male and female, and not neccesarily through malice, have done Very Bad Things to friends of mine...
 
 
Tryphena Absent
11:09 / 04.07.07
People on breaks are usually confused, either by the cretinous behaviour of someone they care about or their cretinous behaviour to the person they care about.
 
 
matthew.
17:26 / 04.07.07
Thank you very much for the reply, Flyboy. That means a lot to me. I'm not being sarcastic.

Your reply actually helped crystallize thoughts I had been having.

I sort of wrote that post in anger and frustration with her and with myself. That's why I was so careless in editing it.

Since the revelation, I've calm down quite a bit. I had already decided not to further the discussion, go as normal, almost. I didn't want to pressure her or force her hand or back her into a corner. Even after she told me of the "break", I had tried carefully not to issue ultimatums, other than my gaffe of demanding what the break meant for me and her. Other than that, I have been careful.

I'm going ahead with our... friendship as if this had not happened. You're right, Flybs, she didn't need to tell me. I hadn't been super crystal clear with my ambitions with her. It seems fair that she told me after knowing me for four months.

And again, thank you very much, Flyboy for a non-mean, rational reply to my misery. It really does mean a lot.

I will tell you, though... very scarily... I told one of my friends the situation, but without details, and he replied firmly that women can't be trusted, they're bitches, etc, oh it was awful. I was already mad and I snapped at him: "watch your fucking tongue". We haven't spoken since then (three days?). What a moron!
 
 
matthew.
17:28 / 04.07.07
Sorry to double-post...

I read over my post and the subsequent replies a second time, and I do have to say... you're right again. All that I've spoken of doesn't inevitably lead to sexual or romantic relationships. I had assumed so.

I kind of fucked this relationship (or non-relationship) as well.
 
 
imaginary mice
17:49 / 04.07.07
The axion 'Time's a great healer' is inaccurate; time doesn't heal the wound, but it does take it further and further away.

I go through phases. Most of the time I’m alright. Then there are times when I miss him so much it feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest.

Today is one of those days.

And I’ve just realised that tomorrow it’ll be five years and three months since the break-up.
 
 
Jack Denfeld
18:08 / 04.07.07
Fuuuuuuuck!!!! So I've got my meager little bankroll at the omaha hi lo table, and very first hand I flop the nut low, and I can't be counterfeited, and I have the flush draw, so I jam the shit out of it on the river with the nut low and 2 pair, hoping to scoop the whole pot against these other two players, and one folds and one calls, and I see I'm going to get at least half the pot because I have the low, and he'll get half cuz he has trip 8s for hi. But the whole pot goes to him and I'm like "What the fuck?". Then I notice I had accidently sat down at an omaha High only table! Arrrrrgggghhh.
 
 
Spaniel
18:27 / 04.07.07
But one day you will be just like Maverick, so chin up!
 
 
Jack Denfeld
18:42 / 04.07.07
This Maverick?
  
 
Spaniel
18:49 / 04.07.07
Sadly no

This one

  
 
Hallo, Paper Spaceboy
18:52 / 04.07.07
Ew. Watered Down Maverick. I think you'll find this a more apropos image.
 
 
This Sunday
19:03 / 04.07.07
Matt, if I may make the suggestion, it might be better in general not to conflate 'relationship' and 'sexual' (or, romantic, for that matter, though that's stickier) as though they necessitate each other. Life seems more pleasant that way, and there's less a feeling that anything relating to sex is inevitably 'owed' anyone outside of actual prostitution.

You seem like you're sorting things through, but really, if she's still up for the stuff you were doing before and you were enjoying that, as well (as in, it wasn't something you rolled your eyes at but sat through because soon the naked, the sweating, the debate over which party pays for birth control or if you split the costs), what's the beef with still doing well, whatever it is you were doing before? If she's still up for it, and you've at least made an effort at apologising for the question of where it left you two and can stand the on-break bf showing up in conversation or strained looks a lot.
 
 
Jack Denfeld
19:14 / 04.07.07
Ewwww, anti-semite maverick sucks.
 
 
matthew.
19:18 / 04.07.07
what's the beef with still doing well, whatever it is you were doing before?

None in fact. As I mentioned, I've definitely sifted through my thoughts and figured that life's too short to not have a good friend. Even if we won't have a sexual relationship, per se, at least we can have a great regular non-sexual relationship. Maybe even spoon! Just kidding.
 
 
Spaniel
19:21 / 04.07.07
I don't imagine there's a "beef" so much as a lot of emotional confusion, yearning, and a bit of heartache. The advice Matt's received has been good, but let's remember that Matt probably can't just switch off how he's feeling by remembering not to do or think such and such, even if not doing or thinking such and such would be sensible and right. He has to work through his own shit in much the same way that his female friend has to work through hers.
 
 
matthew.
19:27 / 04.07.07
so much as a lot of emotional confusion, yearning, and a bit of heartache

That has calmed down, though. I think I'm working through this in a healthy way. I'm not freaking out or anything anymore.

But yes, I have shit to work through... doesn't everybody?
 
 
Spaniel
19:28 / 04.07.07
Sometimes I work on a shit!
 
 
This Sunday
19:32 / 04.07.07
None in fact.

That 'what's the beef' reads a bit more accusatory than it's planned rhetorical nature. Sorry 'bout that. And good luck with it, since you - interwebby person I've never met - seem to be a pretty decent sort and you're trying to do right and all.

And, yes, Denfeld, that Maverick sucks. I like him only because I think I could actually take him, wheras, the real Maverick would decimate me. Still, they're all better than that dead German fellow who used to work with Wolverine. And, also, wishing you better luck, at the tables and anywhere else.
 
 
Ticker
17:19 / 05.07.07
Alright so I'm a bit tired right now so please pardon me if this makes no sense.

The spouse and I moved last weekend with the big stuff being moved on Saturday. Two of my friends, who are roommates at a big place a few towns over with lot's of outdoors, were kind enough to store two of our outdoor items at their place. One of the items was a rather silly blue metal squid we'd been given as a wedding present from a friend of the spouse's. There was a bit of ruckus over the squid going to storage rather than coming with but it is a bit rusty and stabby and to be honest I was worried about plopping it at the new place. Not really a great indoor item even with tetanus shots and sure to annoy the more mainstream landlords. The squid was a part of mini golf course and well, as fabulous as a thing as it was....

sigh.

So one other detail, my two friends live with a third roommate who is my Ex. We're friends and he gets along well with the spouse but not well enough to come move me out of the space we had originally occupied. Understandable, we didn't ask either I should add.

Right.

So last night was the 4th here and most people were partying a bit more then the spouse and I who went to see the Transformers after a long day of unpacking more boxes. I should as an aside note that the squid's exile has come up as a touchy subject between the spouse and I especially as we've both been tired ornery cranksters. Enough so that I had been thinking of going to get it and duct tape the pointy bits and stick it in a corner as a peace offering. Filed under things to do this wekend.

This AM I get an email from my ex in which he explains that in the heat of the holiday festivities he was moved to get the shotgun and shoot the squid in the head. He is very sorry.
I'm a bit stunned and contact another roommate who I had sent it up with to assess the damage. Oh and for the folks who think this is about limiting the access to shotguns, rest easy this person is known to use everyday household appliances to blow things up.

After talking to my other friend and feeling tired and confused I realize it was rather inconsiderate to assume it would be ok to plop a wedding present in my Ex's yard without seeking his direct permission. I am surprised that it got shot but not that he blew something up.

The miserable part is as I lug the mostly ok squid into the house and explain what happened to the spouse hearing a particular short bark laugh of his. In my experience it indicates an emotional response to people doing dumb hurtful things that he seems to brush off but which do in fact sting.

The problem being the ex saw it as his ex's wedding present on his lawn, and the spouse saw it as a much appreciated gift of something he always wanted from a friend who went to some great lengths to get it for him.

In the spirit of people do dumb things but we don't need to make it worse I've just told my ex he may want to explain his actions directly to the spouse as I don't want to misrepresent him.

I think we can save the squid I just need to get some blue duct tape to match him.


For me the moral of the story is not to exile things which are important to the people I love even if the items are white elephants.
 
 
Quantum
17:47 / 05.07.07
Good moral. What's junk to one person is treasure to another.
 
 
Janean Patience
18:12 / 05.07.07
I'm too confused to find a moral because someone shot a squid in the face with a shotgun and was I not expecting to write that sentence today or ever.

Bewildered commiserations, XK.
 
 
Ticker
18:23 / 05.07.07
I'm attempting to invoke the 'you owe him a beer for trashing his thing' clause.

I think that's a standard in the world, yes?
 
  

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