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The miserable thread

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Less searchable M0rd4nt

17:34 / 15.11.06

Me too.

14:29 / 16.11.06

My neighbour just died after a few days in hospital following a bad fall at home, and his poor silly cats don't know what's going on - they've been living outdoors since he was admitted because there's no-one around to look after them during the day, no cat flap, no litter trays, and although we keep bringing them in during the evenings for a bit of warm and company (and feeding & watering, of course), they are still very forlorn and I feel very bad that we can't explain what's going on to them.

I also can't believe that he probably died as a result of hypothermia because after his fall he was stuck on the floor of his unheated kitchen for at least 24 hours, if not 48, alone. Which is just rubbish.

miss wonderstarr

13:12 / 17.11.06

Hello miserable thread. This isn't really a miserable post, but an update. I got to see my medico today and asked to be referred to a counsellor. He was actually really nice about it, incredibly decent and took just the right tone: he told me he wanted to see me again first to get to know me better, rather than make a recommendation based on ten minutes. He was the appropriate combination of grave and sympathetic, and most useful of all, I think, seemed to understand where I was coming from when I said counselling was far from my first and easiest option, and that I'd waited two and a half months before doing this because it wasn't really my "way", but I wanted to take this stuff outside my immediate social circle. As a guy in his late 50s I think he could probably identify with that himself.

Anyway, he said there were a few different possible angles we could take (again, a decent way of talking about it) ~ mental health, or post-traumatic stress. I didn't mind that, because it made me feel like a kind of vet. Not a pussy-cat doctor; an ex-soldier.

Then this afternoon my boss phoned to discuss a secret promotion he wanted to sort out for me. A lot more work and duty of course, and I'd have to apply for it, but it would be "manicured" for me. (I'm not sure if that's the word he meant.) So... not a bad day's result, all told.

Oh and in between I sat in Tiffany & Co. Audrey Hepburn was right about that. You do feel nothing bad could happen.

miss wonderstarr

13:14 / 17.11.06

I went in Ann Summers, too. That gives you a different sort of happiness.

I don't think this is all appropriate for the miserable thread though... sorry.

Less searchable M0rd4nt

13:16 / 17.11.06

I'm glad you had some good news, miss w. Hope the counselling goes well and fingers crossed for your promotion.

miss wonderstarr

14:05 / 17.11.06

Thank you.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

14:08 / 17.11.06

Well done, wonderstarr- actually getting over the pride and referring yourself is the hardest part, and I've known so many people who've never passed that hurdle. Glad to hear about the good work news, too- I think you deserve some good news.

Essential Dazzler

13:14 / 25.11.06

Last year one of our flatmates was diagnosed with Luekemia

Last week he told us he was in remission and he's visiting us today.

Yesterday they told him it's back and his chances are slim.

Kali, Queen of Kitteh

13:15 / 25.11.06

My grandfather is dying. He had a stroke about ten years ago and was doing okay. Then about a few months ago, he had another one and now it's just a matter of time.

I feel sick.

MattShepherd: I WEDDED KALI!

14:13 / 25.11.06

That's terrible news on both fronts. Sympathies, Kali, and Quarter.

Kali, Queen of Kitteh

14:35 / 25.11.06

It kind of puts a damper on Christmas. My mom told me I might have to go to Texas very soon.

14:54 / 27.11.06

I spent the last two years figuring out how to move and renovate this crazy old building. Literally hundreds and hundreds of hours of work, research, drawing, and configuring the pieces.
The building was burnt down over the weekend.
All that work for nothing. And I am about to quit this job, having thought that now was a good time to make a clean break and move on, since I had done such a thorough job of getting that building ready to move.
I think I'm going to be sick.

01:01 / 28.11.06

Fucking hell, Cailin. Deliberate or accidental?

I know it seems like empty comfort but, while the work may be lost, the experience isn't. I'm sure those hours you put in have honed your skills greatly. If you looked I bet you'd be shocked at how much you've learnt and improved since you started.

Take heart, you'll feel better.

09:17 / 28.11.06

That's so awful. I'm really sad for you. Poor you. Poor Cailín.

MattShepherd: I WEDDED KALI!

09:22 / 28.11.06

Aw man, Calin, that's awful. I've done tons of work on my house, and I can't imagine losing it. But Triplets is right -- it's not wasted effort, as all those good ideas will find new homes and all the skills you've developed through the process will stay with you.

12:35 / 28.11.06

I should clarify that it's my client's building, but it felt like my own project, since there was so much time and effort put into it, and since he and I have become pretty close during the process. He's gutted, and I feel rotten because I'm about to bail out of the company (and thus his project), just when he could really use my help). Ugh.

12:42 / 28.11.06

I am sure he'll get over it. Do what is best for you in the nicest way possible. I can imagine how disappointing this must be. I hope no one was injured in this. Small mercies. Actually, not being injured is probably not such a small thing.

Less searchable M0rd4nt

10:23 / 04.12.06

Man, I am so fucking emo today it's like Evanescence crawled up my arse and died.

Closed for Business Time

10:42 / 04.12.06

~~(&^£*$~~~!#1!!! Too much effin' Guiness over the weekend!

14:43 / 04.12.06

Had an argument with my boyfriend. I've ran out of money. I haven't eaten properly in a quite a while. I didn't get the job I wanted. I have to go home for christmas

Life is a big pile of piss.

MattShepherd: I WEDDED KALI!

14:45 / 04.12.06

Well, "going home for Christmas" often leads to "eating properly," so at least two of your problems will collude to create one solution.

Plus mashed turnip makes hella good earplugs. Just FYI.

15:31 / 04.12.06

You'd think wouldn't you? Unfortunately, thew rest of my family are horrendously fat. Rather than eating healthily and doing excercise they just buy all their weight-watchers own brand. The other manly sorts at home don't put lids on and don't clean the fridge and don't shut the fridge either, so unless I know something is new I can't eat it. All the good food gets eated within an hour because my ridculously obese little brother eats it. I have not amnaged to eat a biscuit at home for about a year now. He even steals my vegetarian food, which meant I couldn't eat anything else.

They only shop once a week and we never have clean food. I'm living with the world's most disgusting students and I still find my parent's home revolting. Other than Christams day itself, it's unlikely I will be eating that much better.

miss wonderstarr

15:49 / 04.12.06

My doc saw me for all of five minutes on Friday and palmed me off with some form designed to assess whether I'm depressed. I told him at a glance I could fill it in on the spot, but he wanted me to take it away. Although this made me feel even more palmed off, actually it was quite useful ~ in a depressing way ~ because every day I keep scribbling out the ticks under "2" (= I feel this bad thing some days) and ticking again under "3" (= I feel this more than half the days), with some of the categories edging towards 3 (= nearly all the time).

So my form looks like something James Dean or Kurt Cobain would have scrawled ~ it looks like a depressed person's form.

Doc asked me if I felt I was depressed. I said I would hesitated to call it that, because I felt the term was used too casually and has a strict medical definition. He thought that was fair enough. However, I think I am now coming under the medical definition. It sucks! It actually feels like... a black heavy thing wrapping around you and sucking the energy, pushing you down. Like a monster not part of you.

Ironically, I suspect that though a lot of me is pissed off cause I think I should be "strong" enough to resist it, a small part of me is probably almost objectively interested in the changes I'm going through.

I don't know why I'm feeling worse now. It feels as though it's connected to the cold and the early nights, but maybe that's just me trying to make some conceptual sense of it. Maybe it's because it's been three months and my eye is still ghastly deformed (as of course it will remain) and I've still got the surgery to go through again, and I still feel horrible when I'm on the street after dusk. And individuals did this to me.

The worst is ~ well, not the worst perhaps, but a new unwelcome addition ~ people at work have now been commenting that I seem down. Work had been my focus and positive place ~ a zone where I was useful, responsible, smart, competent. Now it seems my mask is slipping there.

miss wonderstarr

16:03 / 04.12.06

Gosh I should have done some research.

Depression Basics
Some people say that depression feels like a black curtain of despair coming down over their lives. Many people feel like they have no energy and can't concentrate. Others feel irritable all the time for no apparent reason. The symptoms vary from person to person, but if you feel "down" for more than two weeks, and these feelings are interfering with your daily life, you may be clinically depressed.

I feel kind of "genuine" now!

miss wonderstarr

16:11 / 04.12.06

I wonder why I never actually typed "depression" into Google before. It is like seeing myself described there in detail.

17:11 / 04.12.06

I remember feeling that I was a human black hole, sucking in all that was good about the world and neutralizing it. I remember feeling this very strongly - it seemed rather more real than metaphorical.

That's also when I decided that I would do whatever it took to get better. Things can and will improve, I promise.

miss wonderstarr

17:46 / 04.12.06

I don't know... it feels like it's not "me" doing it, but the world doing it to me. Like it's not within my power. Maybe that's really shifting responsibility, but I feel like the world would have to change for me to feel better: I was OK ~ I was fine! ~ and this was done to me.

The kicker is that the worse I feel, the more I feel that all this shit has been done to me, that I'm being assaulted again, repeatedly, in different and deeper ways, month upon month, as if ripples are circling out from the first explosion that smashed my face and eye, and keep hitting me again and again, months later. So everything bad that happens is like that incident doing it to me again and again... beating me again and again.

Now I know the positive response would be "I won't let that kind of shit beat me." I have been trying so hard to take that fighting attitude. I guess it's as though suddenly it's tipped the balance, and the walls are breached, and... black water's flooding in, or Orcs are storming the human stronghold with the defence finally breaking down. (I played the Two Towers PS2 game last night. It made me feel quite sad!)

17:59 / 04.12.06

Out of interest, have you considered moving? I can't imagine an urban environment is doing you much good at the moment.

I do appreciate that depression isn't usually solved by upping sticks, but it might help.

18:03 / 04.12.06

Er, and sorry, I didn't mean to suggest that you should buck your ideas up and get over it. My resolve was set after months and months of feeling out of control and entirely awful, and even then a whole load of situational stuff needed to sort itself out before much progress could be made.

18:04 / 04.12.06

don't know... it feels like it's not "me" doing it, but the world doing it to me. Like it's not within my power. Maybe that's really shifting responsibility, but I feel like the world would have to change for me to feel better: I was OK ~ I was fine! ~ and this was done to me.

Well Miss, I'd like to gently remind you that something horribly evil did happen to you and so feeling the impact of it doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. It's not like you slipped in the street and are now having these reactions. Something vile that no one should every ever have to experience happened to you. You didn't sign up to go to a war zone, you didn't call someone out for a duel, you were living your life and a violent awful crime was commited upon your person. So you are absolutely correct, this was done to you.

There is no standard healing timeline that is the same for everyone. You have to give yourself permission to be feeling this way and not keep reading it as failure or as if you should be over it. Everyday that you have a bit of happiness or functionality is a day to proud of, but each day of misery that you still endure and keep going is to be especially proud of. It may very well take years before you have more good moments than sucky ones but that is something each one of us who is a survivor of violence clings to as a a flaming torch of FUCK YOU, I'M STILL ALIVE AND MY LIFE IS WORTH LIVING.

Each bit of beauty, each bit of joy, however hard won, is yours and you are greeting each new day to discover more.

I know it feels like you're at the bottom of a mountain looking up thinking having your life whole again is as distant as that hidden peak, but I promise you there is some amazing shit you'll see on that road. You'll get there.

Regrettable Juvenilia

18:07 / 04.12.06

Isn't it usually advised that you shouldn't make any sort of sudden, large decision such as quitting your job or moving while depressed, Boboss? That's even before we get to the fact that the city is great etc.

Anyway, just want to add my sympathy, mw. I spend more than half the weekend in tootache agony (the other 40% in codeine-flavoured bliss), and while it's not comparable to yr experience, I can relate to the sense that it's the world doing something to you - this comes after I went to see the doctor about being depressed and filled in one of those same forms. I was all set to be on the up and up, and then this bloody tooth infection happens. What it has done, on the plus side - and the reason I'm not really posting in this thread on my own account - is give me a sense of perspective. Once this clears up, I am so not going to be down in the dumps again without good reason, I tell you...

18:18 / 04.12.06

Now I know the positive response would be "I won't let that kind of shit beat me." I have been trying so hard to take that fighting attitude.

Miss Wonderstarr, I think that you have been through something pretty horrific by anyone's standards. It was done to you, and you had no more say in it than people do relatives dying, or your partner leaving you or any of the other big things that can trigger depression. It's common to feel like the world is doing it to you, and to say that the positive response is to fight against it is a bit like not allowing yourself to 'feel' the awful thing that has happened.

Now is the time to stop being so hard on yourself - feeling hesitant about whether you are 'allowed' to define yourself as depressed, feeling that the word is overused and so perhaps you shouldn't be calling it - that is a good example of how you are being hard on yourself. You have to let yourself be the thing you are, be the thing you feel at any given point in time, I think. Acknowledge it. Don't try and fight it, but trust in the fact that you will get better. About three years ago loads of things happened to me all at once; my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer the day I was moving house, my marriage was extremely difficult, things were horrid. But I ignored the depression, tried to fight it, and eventually I just broke and ended up in hospital for a month and having a lot of therapy afterwards.

I know it feels like the world would have to change for you to feel better, I know that feeling, I felt like that. But the world hasn't changed and I feel better now, because I have changed.

Please don't be hard on yourself. Be kind to yourself. Think about what you would say to someone you adored when you look in the mirror. I am sure you wouldn't be saying, "Pull yourself together." Try and see youself in the third person when you think about how you 'should' be feeling. You are perfectly entitled to feel rubbish. You are. And even though it's horrid, it's a reaction to the horrid things that have happened to you. Acknowledging it and moving forward is part of the healing process. You will definitely, definitely not always feel this way. And you will heal.

18:18 / 04.12.06

I am miserable because I cannot seem to find any female attention no matter how well I do in every other area of my life. It is criminal.

18:30 / 04.12.06

No, Fly, it isn't normally advised. I only raised the idea because I have seen someone who was very depressed benefit from moving away from an area ze associated with some really nasty stuff.

miss wonderstarr

18:30 / 04.12.06

Thanks for those posts. I will read them and take them in properly.

Meanwhile I'm digging the internet confirmations I've found.

Online Depression Screening Test
Brought to you by the
NYU Department of Psychiatry
Your answers show the presence of prominent depressive symptoms.

Seriously it is better somehow to feel you've got something "genuine" and real, even though I wouldn't necessarily want to broadcast it (and wouldn't want to reveal it at work, which is why the incidents above troubled me, as though it's seeping through. I don't think a reputation for depression would really help me at work. I know it shouldn't prejudice anyone, but I think it would.) More secret identity stuff. Sometimes I wonder what structures I'd apply to make sense of my life if I hadn't read superhero comics for most of it.

I do feel like a VET somehow, like a survivor of the war against crime. Or the war of crime against me (two burglaries, two car robberies, three attempted muggings, two serious assaults).

Maybe whatever helps me make sense of it and feel a bit better is worth keeping. If it makes me feel a little more deserving of the label and helps me make sense of (helps me justify) the way I'm feeling to consider myself as a war veteran, then I guess, stupid as it may seem, I should stick with that.

Posting on here has helped too. Making a small kind of "art" out of all this crap.

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