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| A man went berserk in Woolworths today when a shopper apparently hindered his access to the Whiskas Tuna & Mackeral Bites in Aisle 12, pet food. Having previously meekly pushed past a woman who was conversing with her friend in the vicinity of the Vine Ripened Roma Tomatoes in the marvellous Fruit & Veg Spectacular section, Mr. J. Ancient, of Mu Mu, later impatiently reached in front of a man quietly devoting his hours to choosing the exact packet of 6 Free Range Chicken Drumsticks he required. Within minutes Mr. Ancient rudely shoved aside a shopping trolley carefully placed at exactly 90 degrees in the extensively stocked International Foods section, startling it's owner, Mrs. I. Dullard, who was talking to her 10 year old daughter Caitlan about the dangers of picking up packets of noodles from the shelves at the time. Ancient later menacingly growled the word "move" to 4 staff employees who were conducting a long discussion as to whose responsibility it was to tidy the Ploughman's Loaf Bread rack of the non-aligned loaves therein. Mrs P. Granny, interviewed later at the scene, said she spotted Mr. Ancient heading purposefully towards the knives section of the Kitchen Implements department, where he chose the largest of the range and placed it in his basket. Mr F. Bastard was quietly contemplating the relative peace of aisle 12, surrounded by numerous attractively packaged, and excellently priced, boxes and cans of cat food, when Ancient killed him. Security camera footage appears to show the attacker speak to Mr. Bastard, walk away, put other products in his basket, return and speak again, wait and, just as Mr. Bastard acknowledged his presence, stab him violently in the head. No motive has been discovered to date. Police have detained a suspect. |
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