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Films - It's 'Gone with the wind' meets 'Scooby Doo'

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11:14 / 02.10.02

Naked Lunch 33⅓: The Final Insult
The three survivors of this film's sole screening are being fed through tubes.

The Ghost In The Shell and the Darkness
Val Kilmer gets out his Winchester and hunts an omnipotent Japanese AI across the African tundra. After a few hours someone tells him that it sort of exists inside computer networks and he can't shoot it. Everybody laughs at him.

1492: The Year Punk Broke
The cream of the alt-rock underground set sail to tour the West Indies..

11:20 / 02.10.02

Road to Hong Kong Phooey
Bob, Bing and Henry the mild-mannered janitor in what is generally recognized as the funniest movie ever made.

12:07 / 02.10.02

What's Eating Gilbert Grapes of Wrath?
Johnny Depp stars in this tale of a youth disillusioned with his small home life who leaves for a better life in California.

And, of course, the three film epic:

From Hell in the Pacific Ocean's Eleven
John Boorman directs his confused masterpiece about Jack the Ripper who, having escaped the London police, becomes stranded on a desert island. He encounters a Japanese pilot, also stranded, and together the pair plot to rob three of the island's casinos.

13:10 / 02.10.02

Every Which Way But Footloose- Kevin Bacon is a kid that loves to dance and engage in brawls, only to move to a town where both are forbidden! And he had a monkey that hilariously gives everyone the finger. And blows raspberries. And can dance.

Buffalo 66 Candles- On her 66th birthday Molly Ringwald is finally released from prison and kidnaps the boy she had a crush on at school to present as her husband to her insane near-dead parents.

I Was The Full Monty's Double- Touching wartime story of how an actor was hired to singlehandedly pretend to be a group of unemployed sheffield steel workers turned strippers.

XXII:X:II = XXX

14:08 / 02.10.02

Far & Spirited Away: Tom Cruise angrily chases the ghost of Stanley Kubrick for two hours for driving the final nail into the coffin of his "marriage" with Nicole Kidman with Eyes Wide Shut.

The WiZardoz: Sean Connery travels down a yellow brick road seeking the answer to how he can find his pants again. At the end, the Scarecrow, Tin Man and Cowardly Lion are all shot dead.

Once Upon A Time In American Pie: Robert Deniro rapes pastry in the backseat of a car.

The Batmanchurian Candidate: After Angela Lansbury is gunned down in front of his eyes by Communist Chinese agents, Michael Keaton, while under the mind-bending influence of cosmetics, plays solitaire until he finds the Joker, launching him on a one-man crusade to shoot the presidential candidate .

Leonard the 13th: Ghost Dad Bill Cosby returns from the dead to avenge the death of son Ennis upon every Russian mafia immigrant he can find.

Freaky Friday: Ice Cube and Chris Tucker switch bodies. Everyone is too stoned to notice.

14:26 / 02.10.02

An American Last Tango in Paris

Gene Kelly/Marlon Brando song 'n' dance classic. Unforgettable Gershwin soundtrack with "Embraceable You", "I Got Rhythm" and "Butter-Up that Ass."

14:37 / 02.10.02

School for Dirty Rotten Scoundrels

Terry-Thomas teaches two washed up Hollywood has-beens how to act.

14:40 / 02.10.02

Pete's Dagon

Ill-advised Disney turkey which mixes animation and live-action. Lonely young orphan rouses deep-sea demigod from slumber, hoping it will become his pal on a series of unlikely adventures. Predictably, the alien monster eats the child and takes over the world.

Parental guidance advised.

15:37 / 02.10.02

Heavenly Cretures of the Black Lagoon
When an underprivileged monster family moves into the public-housing pond next to Kate Winslet's family, an unlikely friendship blossoms. As girl and monster of unknown gender spend more and more time together, their relationship deepens, leading to a horrific confrontation.Features incredible underwater animation sequences inspired by Busby Berkley and Esther Williams.

Wayne Wang's Up In Smoke
When a Brooklyn tobacco shop owner (Harvey Keitel) decides to supplement his income by growing a little bud, he relies upon his long-time customers to spread the word. Things are going well until Cheech and Chong arrive after fleeing LA, trailing cops and bikini clad beauties. Is it 4:20 yet?

The Beverly Hills Have 90210 Eyes
As LA continually expands, housing developments have begun to encroach on the territory of a sub-human mutant family. When that happens, what's a bunch of mutants to do but pack up and move to...Beverly Hills? Their murderous antics don't go over too well with the new neighbors, at least until they kill and eat Ian Ziering, gaining them instant acceptance and celebrity. But can they deal with the fame?

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

15:43 / 02.10.02

Nuts In Matrix- Alison Steadman and a guy with a beard go on a camping holiday in this Mike Leigh beat 'em up.

15:53 / 02.10.02

Trading Places In The Heart
In the midst of the Great Depression, a pair of greedy cotton barons decide to test human nature and class structure. They have Sally Field's husband killed and then take her farm, giving it to Moses (Eddie Murphy), an itinerant worker. Hilarity abounds.

Oh, Godzilla!
When mild-mannered grocery clerk John Denver accidentally backs up over Godzuki, he decides to make it up to Godzilla by spreading the Word of the Lizard, changing his public image. It all comes to a heartwarming, unbearably funny conclusion when Godzilla admits he was happy to be rid of the little twat anyway.

19:11 / 02.10.02

Dancer in the Dark City
A movie audience is tested by severe art-movie "aliens" from northern europe to see how much on screen pathos they can take before escaping to the beach with jennifer connely.

Drugstore Cowboy Be-bop
That's what they meant by "adult cartoon block."

There's Something About Mary Poppins!
that scene with the zipper is supercalifragalistic

Babe: Pig in the City on Fire
This Pig on pig slaughter film cult favorite directed by George Miller became the center of controversy when it was discovered Tarantino had copped eveyrthing in it.

Andalusian Dog Day Afternoon
Dustin Hoffman, though a sweet guy, has to rob a bank in order to have the ants removed from his boyfriend's palm. Salvador Dali hits his mark as the grumpy SWAT team leader with a heart of gold...

Singin' in the Rain Man
The companion film to the above finds Hoffman, now braindead and comatose in the Ryker's hospital, dreaming of fields and flowers.

19:16 / 02.10.02

Honey I Shrunk the Kids
dir by Harmony Korine. Bob and Harvey had to buy back the rights to this film about glue-huffing mad scientist Rick Moranis who is on a quest to "only shrink virgins."

The Return Of Rothkoid

00:36 / 03.10.02

Entertainer The Dragon
Scott Joplin is hired by a mysterious British agency in order to travel to a remote island to take place in an arse-kicking contest - but really he's there to stop the perfidious traffic in pianola rolls, emanating from the beautiful isle. Joplin's sister was cruelly killed by keyboard case-slam by the island ruler's hired ivory tinkler, Art Tatum, so this becomes a matter of broken loyalties. Tatum almost bests our man with some unexpected empty-mind Satie moves, but with a flurry of chords snatched from "The Twelfth Street Rag" and Rachmaninov's Third, Joplin footpedals his way to victory, smashing the ring and their dedication to making it *easy* to learn the piano. The soundtrack is essential: Lalo Schifrin piano porn stride.
(Well, yes, it's not _quite_ correct, but c'mon...)

Dr Casino
James Bond teams up with Sam "Ace" Rothstein in order to destroy the maniacal metal-handed Dr Casino (Joe Pesci) who, from his island lair, threatens to "bury you in a fuckin' hole in the desert, you pair of fucks". Yuen Wo Ping's famed telephone-receiver battle choreography bought international acclaim to this tale of sun, bikins, and getting the good oil on exactly who's going to win the game this weekend.

Four Weddings And The Funeral
Abel Ferrara directs this quirky comedy hit. There's tears, laughter and matrimonial near misses, but in the end everyone dies, including Ben Elton. Christopher Walken's eulogy for his dead gay lover is touching in the extreme, not least of all for its combination of Yeats and a searing critique of prohibition laws.

Proof of Life
Hugo Weaving plays a man who specialises in recovering important people from terrorist situations - for a fee. He is largely unsuccessful - despite copious photographic research - because he's blind, and all it takes to distract him is a trip to the symphony with Meg Ryan.

Walkabout A Boy
Roeg's eerie meditation on man's place in the world, culture-clash, and whether you can still live the life of a Loaded reader in the outback. Hugh Grant comes into contact with Aboriginal cultural practice and decides that he'd much rather go on the pull.

07:14 / 03.10.02

Ariadne auf Saxos

Scottish Barbeloid has to use all her intelligence, wit and quick reactions when she is abandoned on an island and finds her only companion is a daft Northerner who flirts too much.

07:49 / 03.10.02

Eraser Head
The Monkees attempt to ditch their manufactured image in this gripping thriller where the boys struggle to bring up Peter Torks deformed baby against a surreal industrial backdrop. Arnold Schwarzenegger plays the U.S. Marshal sent to stop them.

09:30 / 03.10.02

fuck it! At least three really good ones I thought up last night have already been done..

The Loneliness of a Long Distance Bladerunner
Deckard's harrowing memories of growing up in an English borstal .. but how much of it is real?

The Return Of Rothkoid

11:53 / 03.10.02

Days Of Thunderbirds
NASCAR racing and Tom Cruise's onscreen chemistry suddenly enters a whole new realm of excitement and realism thanks to the benefits of Supermarionation.

Rain Manimal
Idiot savant with card-counting ability is set to make a mint for his seedy brother in the casinos of Vegas - that is, until his ability to change into different types of animal gets him banned from most major casinos. On the upside, Siegfried and Roy take him into a new life on the stage. Movie sponsored by KMart.

The Rules Of Fatal Attraction
Edgy drama about success, excess and how not to make rabbit stew. Glenn Close doesn't really fit in, but maybe all the coke explains how she stayed alive under the water for so long.

The Man With The Golden Child
Eddie Murphy is a jazz musician with a bad smack habit. Fortunately, his kid's the saviour of the universe, so feeding it straight to him can't be doing any harm, right?

Convoy Air
Las Vegas gets hit by a whole shitload of prisoner-carrying aircraft, not just one. Nic Cage and Kris Kristofferson release a split single in the movie's wake. Interest in CB radio to monitor aircraft distress calls peaks, as does unfortunate mullet resurgence.

Indiana Jones & The Last Crusader Zim
Retro postmodern action animation. Nobody really knows what the fuck's going on, but at least there's Nazis in this one.

Tron Golden Pond
Meditative tale of how an old couple, seeking quietude and the ability to communicate peacably with their kids, are abducted and dragged into a computer world where they are made to compete in gladiatorial combat (and get to ride really cool Light Cycles.).

Over The Topsy-Turvy
Sylvester Stallone stars in this period piece about assorted luvvie contretemps behind the scenes at the D'Oyly Carte. His unorthodox singing style puts him at odds with the cast, resulting in him arm-wrestling all and sundry in order to score the lead role in The Mikado.

Picnic At Hanging Rock Around The Clock
Gheorghe Zamfir and Bill Haley soundtrack this mysterious Peter Weir film about what happens when a Valentine's Day sock-hop disappears in the eerie woods of Victoria. Did the devil take them? Or just the devil's music?

12:23 / 03.10.02

The Titfield Thunderbolt and Lightfoot

Two cowboys help a group of English villagers fight to save their small branch line from the dreaded Dr Beeching.

The Mark of the Shadow-Lands

Anthony Hopkins as ageing writer CS Lewis, long-since retired as the flashing blade but forced out of retirement to become an all-guns blazing vigilante with a hooked nose to save his wife from the evil schemes of a villain known only as.... cancer.

Flashdance Gordon

Wielder Buster Crabbe journeys to the planet Mongo, which is ruled over by the merciless Ming and where dancing is forbidden. Donning leg-warmers and a pair of panties that go right up his arse, he defiantly dances his way to the head of a revolution, and an invasion of planet Earth is thankfully avoided.

12:29 / 03.10.02

Or perhaps I'm mixing Flashdance up with Footloose? The Eighties were a very trying time.

Which brings me on to:

The Breakfast Fight Club

A disparate group of high-schoolers get up really early to beat the shit out of each other, finding time to bring the world's biggest financial institutions to their knees in time for the going-home bell.

12:46 / 03.10.02

Debbie Does Daleks - Invasion Earth 2150 AD

Motorised dustbins come to clean the pool, end up subjecting the planet to their cruel dominion after hot fuckfest.

12:46 / 03.10.02

The Cutthroat Island of Dr. Moraeu
When Doctor Moreau's man-beast fund starts to run low, he hires pirates Geena Davis and Val Kilmer to steal a bunch of treasure for him, based on a map he's been using as a napkin for years. Outfitting their ship with Moreau's mutant manimals, the alliterative crew runs into trouble almost immediately when they mistake a ketchup stain on the map for their treasure-laden island.

...incidentally, despite being packed with both pirates and genetically altered man-beasts, this one blows.

Bad Taste of Cherry
Offbeat Irnaian film describing the last day of a suicidal member of the New Zealand National Air and Space Defense League. He thinks he's achieved peace when a kindly alien finally does him in, only to discover he must rise as a zombie and do it all again.

Meet The Parents
Peter Jackson directs this outlandish family comedy in which Ben Stiller discovers his fiancee's parents are grotesque, drug-swilling muppets. Her domineering father Statler (voiced by DeNiro) devises a gaunlet of tests to prove Stiller is up to scratch: a variety show in which Stiller must sing at least six numbers. Audience members still in their seats when the credits rolled were given a refund.

And the drive-in double feature:

The Panic Room With A View
Helena Bonham Carter discovers that the late 19th century saferoom she's build is severly hampered by windows.

Stop Making Sense and Sensibility
A romantic comedy, in which David Byrne tries to get Kate Winslet to cut off those godawful ringlets and while Emma Thompson tries to get him out of that big suit. Kate just wants to eat bon-bons and noone wants Hugh Grant to sing.

.

13:47 / 03.10.02

The best sci-fi film ever?

Silent Bladerunning Man

13:51 / 03.10.02

Silent Bladerunning Man - Best sci-fi film ever?

Possibly. But I have a soft-spot for Cool Bladerunnings the story of the replicant-hunting Jamaican bobsleigh team.

14:01 / 03.10.02

The Man Who Would Be King Kong - Cheeky imperialist soldiers-cum-con men Michael Caine and Sean Connery intend to rob a small country of its riches by convincing the villagers that Connery is a 200-foot rampaging gorilla.

14:10 / 03.10.02

Toy Story Of O - Computer animation and perverse debauchery collide in this tale of a cowboy puppet's sexual awakening at the hands of his astronaut lover in a secluded Parisian chateau.

14:13 / 03.10.02

I much prefer the indie-cred-rich Sling Blade Runner, which showcased Billy Bob as Deckard, released from prison after slaughtering a family of replicants. Can he keep the old impulses down when he begins to suspect his new girlfriend's old flame is one of the hard to kill RdNk666 line?

14:25 / 03.10.02

Stand And Deliverance - Edward James Olmos stars as an inner-city school teacher who tries to inspire his dropout-prone students to greatness by taking them on a harrowing canoe trip through hillbilly country. Contains scenes of motivational education and buggery.

14:31 / 03.10.02

> Silent Bladerunning Man - Best sci-fi film ever?

Possibly. But I have a soft-spot for Cool Bladerunnings the story of the replicant-hunting Jamaican bobsleigh team. <

Nor must we forget the classic [b]Blade Runner Lola Run[/b] in which Daryl Hannah has 20 minutes in which to dye her hair pink and run around before Harrison pops her boyfriend.

Or for that matter: Blade Runner. Wesley Snipes and Harrison Ford are half-vampire, half-replicant, hunting their own. They hate vampires. Um... and replicants.

Ultimate TV cross-over (in recent conversation, not mine alas):

The Prisoner Cell Block H

Does it even need a precis?

14:37 / 03.10.02

Darkman About The House
Best sitcom ever.

14:41 / 03.10.02

The Goodfellas, The Bad Lieutenant, And The Coyote Ugly - A group of mafiosos race against a corrupt, drug-addled New York police detective and the sexy bartenders of a raunchy nightclub to find a cache of hidden gold...

14:54 / 03.10.02

Oh well, if we're allowing old tv shows:

Who's the Big Boss? - Tony Danza gets that shit-eating grin knocked off his face by a grief-fuelled Bruce Lee. That is all.

Hill Street Blues Brothers - gritty urban police who burst into song. Damn, no, that was Cop Rock.

Saint Elsewhere's My Car? - two stoners wake up one morning to find that they are running an underfunded hospital. With hilarious results.

14:54 / 03.10.02

Hee. This is fun. I could do this all day...

Ten Things I Hate About U-571 - convoluted teenage romantic comedy set aboard a German submarine at the height of the Second World War. A girl tries to set up her bitchy sister with the school bad-boy while trying to smuggle the secrets of the Enigma Code back to the US. Hilarity and historical revisionism ensue. Based upon the works of William Shakespeare and Adolf Hitler.

XXII:X:II = XXX

15:06 / 03.10.02

Akira Kurosawa's Nice Dreams: Strangely autobiographical film in which the director gets very stoned, falls asleep, and dreams of selling "cherry blossoms" (wink wink) out of a retrofitted ice cream truck.

Coming to American History X: Eddie Murphy travels from Africa to New York seeking his bride and is killed by Edward Norton.

Close Encounters of the Fifth Element: Richard Dreyfus is an ex-marine failing in his business of potato carving when Milla Jovovich drops into his lap. When aliens look like supermodels, do you even debate whether he abandons Terri Garr to go aboard the mothership?

Biggie & Otis: The late Christopher Wallace puts a hit out on an adorable pug puppy.

Gattacasablanca: Eugenic Nazis are after Uma Thurman for the murder of Sam the Piano Man. Humphrey Bogart gives up his seat on a rocket to Jupiter so that she may escape. With Alan Arkin as the lovable Vichy policeman and Peter Lorrie as Jude Law.

How Highlander: Redman and Method Man swordfight for a scholarship to Harvard. There can be only stone!

Star Wargames: Attack of the Clones: Behind the scenes documentary on the Bush administration.

15:11 / 03.10.02

Fuck - reading over the thread, I see that two of mine have already been done before. Apologies to those who did them first. I didn't read the whole thread...

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