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Films - It's 'Gone with the wind' meets 'Scooby Doo'

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STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

21:52 / 30.09.02

Oh, and not forgetting "Rosencrantz and Gildenstern are The Dead"... in which Tom Stoppard deconstructs James Joyce and John Huston makes a vow to make Stoppard's afterlife really unpleasant...

XXII:X:II = XXX

00:21 / 01.10.02

Donnie Darksco: A giant skeletal bunnyrabbit goes undercover in the human world, only to have his life in the future disrupted as he invests too much in his secret identity of Frank.

Robocop-&-1/2: Surely the first in the industrialized, technology-fetished, American answer to Japanese tentacle-rape hentai.

Robin Hook, Prince of Thieves, aka Waterworld.

Bebe's KIDS: The ghost of Robin Harris, now called Casper, is forced to babysit a gaggle of spoiled Upper West Side punks in the vain hope that he might get laid and contract AIDS.

The Last of the Mohicorns: Daniel Day Lewis' tribe is driven out of the Ohio Valley by the Red Bull. In order to escape the wizard Schmendrick casts a spell on him that makes him appear to have been Irish the whole time. He falls in love with the British general Haggard's son, as voiced by Jeff Bridges, and finally jumps off a cliff into the ocean.

03:18 / 01.10.02

Blue Velvet Goldmine: Christian Bale finds a human ear and remembers his past while tracking down former glam star Dennis Hopper.

Brain Dead Man: Johnny Depp gets bitten by a Sumatran Rat Monkey, turns into a zombie and proceeds to wander around western north america for 2 hours before getting killed.

Star Trek: The Doom Generation: The Enterprise cruises around space, with lots of teen sex and violence. Millions of fans finally get to see that threesome they've always imagined!

The Return Of Rothkoid

04:07 / 01.10.02

The Birdycage
Story in which Robin Williams plays a man who has to convince his son he's not the last remaining gay egret in captivity. Peter Gabriel interprets popular showtunes in this "hey, aren't those people who ain't like us funny?" hit.

Touched By An Angel Heart
TV movie. Mickey Rourke plays an angel who doesn't know he's been sent to earth to ride in elevators, sweat profusely and attempt to cure small children with voodoo, all the while being dogged by Robert De Niro, wondering if the protagonist had fucked his wife.

Another 24 Hours
Buddy-cop flick in which Kiefer Sutherland attempts to tell Eddie Murphy that he's having a really bad day. Where's Nick Nolte? Where's David Palmer? Who the fuck cares?

Let's Get Lost Highway
David Lynch tells the story of Chet Baker, as played by Robert Loggia in whitened makeup. The soundtrack is excellent, though the fact that it's recorded backwards through peat-moss (with dwarf band on accompaniment) marks this as art-house fare only.

The Man With The Golden Guns of Navarone
Wartime spy thriller in which Bond attempts to foil an expert assassin, identifiable only by his third nipple and pair of 150-ft holsters.

07:11 / 01.10.02

Kiss of the Spider-Man
Tobey Maguire and Willem Dafoe, dressed in tight latex bodysuits, are imprisoned in a South American jail. Maguire keeps Dafoe sane by telling him stories from his enyclopaedic knowledge of Marvel comics. Dafoe gets killed anyway.

08:06 / 01.10.02

Smokey and the Bandit Queen

The Indian caste system, sexual violence, vengeance, and Burt Reynolds with a truckful of beer.

08:09 / 01.10.02

Live Long and Prosperos books
Leonard Nimoy stars in Peter Greenaway's epic reworking of the Shakespeare play.

Batman Returns to the Forbidden Planet
Another tired outing for tired Michael Keaton who finds himself trapped with the horrifying world of a Shakespeare musical.

The Patriot Games
The classic tale of an identity-confused Benjamin Martin (Mel Gibson), who, after routing the villinous empire-building British from his tiny farm, decides to teach them the value of American interventionism by saving their royal family from an IRA plot.

Dirty Harry Potter
Clint Eastwood takes up his .45 and wizardy hat in this tale of a burnt-out shell of a public schoolboy. "Go ahead Voldemort...make my day."

10:24 / 01.10.02

I'm not very good at it, but may I just say that this thread is really funny?

The Return Of Rothkoid

11:00 / 01.10.02

Dawn of the Dude Where's My Car?
Zombie stoner flick, with predictable results. "Brains!" "Dude!" "Brains!" "Dude!" Etc.

Agnes of Gods And Monsters
James Whale, director of Frankenstein and famed lover of men experiences virgin birth. Church implodes in CGI spectacular not seen since End Of Days.

Raise the Red Dragon
Photographic worker with yen for Blake discovers that women in China in the '20s aren't impressed by his moves or tattooing, either. Like Perfect Match, only with Hannibal Lecter standing in for smarmy host.

Zorro, the Gay Bladerunner
A hero to the poor is really fucking bummed when he finds out he's a replicant. Rutger Hauer has starring role as Don Something, a giant sombrero that talks in a vaguely unsatisfactory accent.

The Wedding Planner Of The Apes
J.Lo realises that there's no way Matthew McConaughey is a match for the raw appeal of Dr Zaius. Luckily, she's been hired to plan his wedding - with hilarious consequences, some of which may involve bananas. Chuck Heston has cameo as man at buffet talking loudly about gun control and how in his day, simian servers wouldn't have been seen at matrimonial shindigs.

The Legend Of Sleepy Hollow Man
A perfectly serviceable tale about a ghost haunting a small locale; only this time it's the ghost of a naked Kevin Bacon, doomed to spend eternity trying to get travellers to link themselves with him by the shortest number of people... or die.

Flying Highlander
There Can Be Only One. Thankfully, it's not Leslie Nielsen or Peter Graves, both of whom are despatched bloodily before maurading savage realises that mauling and flying a jet airliner are not quite the same thing.

11:10 / 01.10.02

Satyri-Con Air

Exuberant Fellini romp. Nicholas Cage plays-wrongly convicted killer attempting to thwart renegade gladiators' attempts to sabotage a lavish Roman dinner party.

12:03 / 01.10.02

Red Dragonheart
Dennis Quaid plays a dragon psychologist, investigating the curious case of a supposedly big fuck-off-scary psycopathic dragon, voiced by Tom Noonan in flashback, but now seemingly voiced by a sneering Ralph Fiennes. He spends most of the film wishing he was still in Innerspace.

Don't Look Now And Then
An affectionate look back at a group of female friends, told from the perspective of one of them, a small, deformed dwarf (played by Christina Ricci and a ton of prosthetic makeup) in a red anorak, who always felt excluded by the group. In order to attract a modern teenage female audience, the occult is introduced as a slant, a bit like in The Craft. One of the friends is blind, and keeps seeing the future; the others do not believe her, but slowly realise their is method to their madness when a dreadful murder happens. With James Van Der Beek.

Steven King's The Stand By Me
Two Steven King stories at once! Bonus! After a deadly virus kills off half the world's population, a group of teenagers go an a journey to discover themselves and affirm their friendship. Kiefer Sutherland, as the teenage redneck leader of an anti-terrorist organisation, chases them. It's the longest day of his life.

13:36 / 01.10.02

To Kill a Mocking Birdy
A pathos driven drama about a coloured gentleman, charged with rap, who longs to turn into a bird to escape the narrow opinions of the Alabama townsfolk who are against him.

My Fair Ladykillers
A shining example of Ealing's glory days, starring Alec Guiness and Peter Sellers as two linguist-thieves who take a room with from a poor flowergirl whom they later present as royalty at an embassy ball.

African Queen of the Damned
Bogart classic in which our hero accidentally awakens the horrifying embodiment of Anne Rice's inability to write books.

13:38 / 01.10.02

American Pi -- A brilliant mathematician struggles to complete an ancient formula while being chased by Khaballist and trying to get laid with high school girls.

The Creature from the Blue Lagoon -- Two good-looking teenagers enjoy a hedonistic romp when they're shipwrecked on what seems to be a desert island. Little do they know that a prehistoric gill man is stalking them and plans to take a bride!

13:54 / 01.10.02

The Shine-ing
Pianist David Helfgott (Jack Nicholson) breaks down while hold up in an old hotel, trying to complete his masterwork. He indulges in flashback fantasies in which he kills every member of his family, Overlook-style. The film ends with his dying fingers, tapping a melody on the floor as he fantasizes about a return to prominence.

Twelfth Night of the Comet
As a court full of lazy bastards try to trick each other into banging the wrong person, a comet flies overhead, turning them all into zombies. All, except for Malvolio, who was locked in a cellar at the time. Unaware of the change until too late, he continues his pursuit of Olivia, who eats his brain.

South Gosford Park
Mr Garrison wants the class to put on a play set in 30's England, with the moronic notion that it'll teach the kids some manners. But Cartman gets too into his role, refusing to shut the fuck up, talking all the time with that terrible fake accent. During the play, ostensibly a murder mystery, Kenny convinces the other kids to actually kill Cartman, saving himself from certain death in the process. But then Kristen Scott Thomas turns her bony face too fast whilst talking to someone next to Kenny and he's killed anyway, lacerated by her cheekbones.

14:00 / 01.10.02

The Space Ghost and the Darkness -
Val Kilmer's bridge-building project in colonial-era Africa is disrupted by murderous-yet-corny 80s Hanna Barbara super heroes. Featuring Michael Douglas as the jaded supervillain Zorak, hired by the engineering company to wipe out the menace, and with a brief and inexplicable appearance by Om Puri as Brak.

The Apu Wars Trilogy -
Satyajit Ray's assay into the realm of space opera. Filmed in moody black and white, naturalistic lighting, and with a soundtrack by Ravi Shankar. The vacuum of space is the ideal compliment for Ray's use of meaningful silence and communication through the nuance of gesture and glance.

14:05 / 01.10.02

I seem to be on a Hollywood/Bollywood fusion tip here, so...

Creature from the Black Lagaan
He's scaly, he's half man half amphibian, but he's a more than useful off-spinner and middle-order batsman.

14:29 / 01.10.02

Purple Reign of Fire -
Matthew McCoghnahey has nice tattoos and a plan to kill The Artist, whose giant unholy spawn have decimated the human race.

The Dragonball and the Cross -
Anime reworking of the G.K. Chesterton novella, starring Goku and Vegeta. As in the original, the duel never happens: the two simply roam about England bantering about religion and secularism in disjointed anime-dub.

14:30 / 01.10.02

Attack of the killer Kentucky Fried Green Tomatoes Movie

Two movies its been soo long I can remeber what they're about and a campy horror flick.

14:36 / 01.10.02

The Trouble with Harry Potter -

Hitchcock in which everyone thinks that they're the ones who offed the boy-wizard, and the results hijinks.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

15:27 / 01.10.02

Three Colours: Red Dragon- a "still in development hell" art-movie/serial killer thriller.

Patch Adambusters- the annoyingly nice Robin Williams flies one last mission- leaving his racist dog to pine for him.

Things to Do In Denver When You're Ghosts of the Civil Dead- possibly the most depressing comedy you'll ever see. Features the classic scene in which John Cusack has the word "cunt" forcibly tattooed across his forehead.

17:06 / 01.10.02

Pitch Joe Black
Stranded on a desolate desert world, the survivors of the starship HunterGrasner face death in the form of a mild mannered Brad Pitt. Who will survive?

Tuna Ghost: Pratt knot hero

17:44 / 01.10.02

The Princess Mononoke Bride: The undead head of Andre the Giant chases Cary Elwes into Hollywood obscurity.

Oh god, this made me laugh so hard I thought I seriously hurt myself.

...I bet that head's the size of a bushel of apples.

The resistable rise of Reidcourchie

18:03 / 01.10.02

American History X-Men: A group of super powered freaks form a neo-nazi gang before being buggered in the showers makes them see the error of their ways.

The resistable rise of Reidcourchie

18:04 / 01.10.02

In retrospect I apologise for the tastelessness of my previous post.

18:39 / 01.10.02

This thread is the best thread in the history of threadness.

Ed Wood Scissorhands- Johnny Depp is the ambitious human style robot thing whose knifelike hands enable him to edit films at incredible speed. Too bad they're all terrible and star Winona Vampiryder.

Se7en Brides for Se7en Brothers- Whatever you imagine must be better than anything I could write here.

20:10 / 01.10.02

Best Little Whore House in Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
Dolly Parton and Burt Renolds struggle to keep a Whorehouse from being shutdown due to a chainsaw wielding televangelist.
(and oooh I love to dance a little sidestep)

23:00 / 01.10.02

The Leon King

He's just a big ol' cuddly cartoon milk-drinking lion, right?

23:30 / 01.10.02

I'm quite pissed at the moment, so can't quite form the right description... but I'm SURE there's something in

Degrassi Junior High Noon.

Gary Cooper goes to school in Canada. Etc.

00:27 / 02.10.02

I also really suck at this, but here's the only thing I could come up with: Angels and Insects in the Outfield.

It's a heartwarming story about baseball. And boning your brother.

The Return Of Rothkoid

04:09 / 02.10.02

Children Of A Lesser Godzilla
A touching story about the love shared between the teacher at a school for the deaf and his only friend; a gigantic, city-destroying lizard. Seeing the monster order pate fois gras at a restaurant using only sign language is a triumph, even if ze eats the waiter, who misread.

My Own Private Benjamin
The story of narcolepsy, hustling, gay sex and the fact that you just can't get a good pedicure in the army.

Riders Of The Color Purple
Oprah Winfrey and Whoopi Goldberg discover that they've been cheated out of some cash, as well as fundamental human rights. So they pose as bad guys, wear chaps and generally look rugged until the final reel, where the entire cast comes to some realisation of the inherent equality of life and decide to repair to a commune.

Gleaming the Cube
Low-budget Canadian skate movie that takes place in a futuristic, chinese puzzle-box-style deathtrap. Sponsored by Vision Street Wear, this uniquely dystopian view is compelling; nowhere less so than when Tony Hawk's "Rad, I totally 720'd!" musing on life is cut short by a giant sharpened flyscreen.

Whatever Happened To Baby Jane Eyre?
A tale of fame, familial secrets, and sisterly hate, played by gaslight under the direction of bootblacks and giant rats. The world's only movie to be filmed in Cockney Rhyming Slang, this is Soderbergh's culmination of a long-held obsession.

Three Colours Blues Brothers
A famous composer dies, and his widow - or is she? - is helped through her heartache by Jake and Elwood, who attempt to raise funds to see his unfinished masterwork performed by holding a concert night of Bach-styled interpretations of Motown classics.

Three Colours Snow White And The Seven Dwarves
Heartwarming tragicomedy about a dwarf who can't perform sexually: even being locked in a suitcase doesn't help. Never before has impotence received such majestic screen treatment. Julie Delpy's Snow White is a treat, especially when she goes nuts on her way to the diamond mine.

Three Colours Red Heat
Kieslowski's trilogy comes to an end as Captain Ivan Danko, on loan from the Moscow police department, discovers that life is all about synchronicity, chances lost, and fucking shit up with a hand-cannon.

The Return Of Rothkoid

04:58 / 02.10.02

Yes, it's an illness.

I just couldn't resist this one, though:

Breakdance 2: Electric Waterloo
Rod Steiger IS Napoleon Bonaparte, who attempts to use his armies and mad breakin' skillz to stop Arthur Wellesley, Duke Of Wellington from demolishing his 'hood's recreation center. Alas, victory is not his - Wellington's walking-against-the-wind and robot-dancin' specialist troops outfunk Bonaparte's hardiest efforts. Guest bodypoppin' by Orson Welles as Louis XVIII.

05:47 / 02.10.02

The Die Harder They Come -
Peter Tosh as a seedy cop rescuing a high rise from Jamacian terrorists inexplicably led by Alan Rickman.

Malcolm X in the Middle -
Need I say more?

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

08:00 / 02.10.02

Regarding Henry Portrait of a Serial Killer- After an unpleasant head injury, Harrison Ford goes a bit nuts and starts wasting people.

10:35 / 02.10.02

Stigmata-Hari - the tragic tale of a WWII French Resistance operative constantly given away by her bleeding wounds of Christ. Oddly enough, the Vatican are still the bad guys.

The Shawshank Redemption Thing - John Cusak travels all across the States for a guaranteed shag with a California inmate only to find that ze's tunnelled out at the last moment. Suddenly Officer Zuniga looks good...

All Quiet on the Western Full Frontal - zero budget experimental film on the tragic waste of WWI. The troops provided their own ammo to allow filming to continue.

Benny Hill and Joon - a young woman is entranced by a young stranger (Johnny Depp) and his uncanny impression of the late British comedian.

The Last Seduction of Christ - fill in the blanks yourself before I'm excommunicated.

The Mummy Dearest - You thought Bette was bad? Now she's undead!

Papillon the Town - Steve McQueen may have been sentenced to life on Devils Island but that's no reason not to sing and dance.

Wonder Boys on the Side - A dead dog and an unfinished manuscript - a dead cop and a new life in New Mexico. Can Michael Douglas finish the story before Whoopi gives up and stops chasing skinny, straight, dying white girls?

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

10:49 / 02.10.02

Jesus Christ Superstar Wars- the lowly son of a carpenter rises to defeat the Romans by blowing up their Death Star. (Spoiler alert- at the end of the second movie God reveals that he is, in fact, the boy's father and begs him to help run the universe.)

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