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Films - It's 'Gone with the wind' meets 'Scooby Doo'

  
  

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CameronStewart
15:31 / 03.10.02
The Importance Of Being Ernest - Jim Varney stars as lovably moronic handyman Ernest P. Worrell in this contemporary re-imagining of Wilde's classic satire.
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
16:08 / 03.10.02
I was always a fan of "Zorro: The Gay Blade Runner" personally.
 
 
CameronStewart
22:56 / 03.10.02
Tommy Tommy Boy - Musical about a fat, stupid, clumsy, blind, deaf-mute who gets a job at his father's pinball factory.

Truly, Madly, Deeply, Frailty - A woman finds that true love never dies when her husband is brutally murdered by a serial killer believing himself to be a soldier of God. Light romantic comedy.

The Empire Records Strikes Back - Needless sequel to insipid teen comedy. In space.

Rain Manhunter FBI detective Will Graham enlists the help of crazed psychiatrist Hannibal Lecter to track down an autistic man who's wandered off somewhere.

Of Mice And Men In Black - A drifter and his idiot man-child accomplice hunt and kill alien invaders in Depression-era rural America.
 
 
rizla mission
09:42 / 04.10.02
The Incredible Hulk Journey
Nuff said.
 
 
Rev. Orr
14:08 / 04.10.02
The Mayor of Casterbridge Over the River Kwai - to be honest, I don't know how this ends as I sandpapered my eyeballs after an hour and a half. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Hannah and her Sister Act - poor old Michael Caine. In love with one sister and married to another he could cope with, but lusting after singing nuns? It's enough to drive a fella to drink.

The Prince of Crimson Tides - and if you think I'm going to make an ill-judged and offensive joke about about menstruation, you know me too well. Actually this is a sweet little film about Gene Hackman raping Nick Nolte repeatedly. Can Denzel stop Babs from ending all life as we know it?

The Rocky II Amityville Horror Last Picture Show - give yourself over to absolute pleasure, Adrienne, or burn in hell.
 
 
Sax
14:15 / 04.10.02
Hairdevil

Warren Beaty as libidinous hairdresser who has sex so much he goes blind. Takes to the streets by night as a red-garbed vigilante. Musical.
Sun rating: Poor. 2/5
 
 
grant
16:44 / 04.10.02
Hellraiser's Edge: Bill Murray, recovering from the traumas of war, travels to Tibet, finds an ancient puzzle box and unleashes interdimensional horror.

Ring of Bright Water: Japanese journalist adopts cuddly pet otter, only to discover it bears a deadly curse. Who will adopt Mij before her week is up?

American History X: Former skinhead faces an uphill battle after joining the Nation of Islam, but overcomes his past to become a legendary civil rights leader.

8 1/2 Dates: Comic documentary chronicles a desperate Italian surrealist's quest to find true love within a set number of dates. Tia Carrera produces and cameos as a Venice Beach street performer.

The Man Facing North By Northwest: Unusual inmate at an Argentinian asylum brings hope and joy to a troubled psychiatrist, despite his wild tales of being pursued by alien spies. Are they real, or just part of his divine madness? Eyecatching scenes include dramatic chase on the train to Brazil, followed by a life-and-death struggle atop Rio de Janeiro's monumental statue of Jesus.


Trust or Dare: Hal Hartley directs offbeat tale of growing love between a misanthropic TV repairman and a pregnant Madonna. Unrated version includes steamy scene with unexploded grenade.
 
 
videodrome
19:41 / 04.10.02
Warm Water Under The Red Bridge On The River Kwai
Erotic Japanese wartiem comedy starring Alec Guinness as a guy who's thrilled when, whilst in a POW camp, he meets a servingwoman who comes buckets. When William Holden tries to steal her, Guinness decides to blow up his bridge. The infamous synchronized sex/bridge building scene was riffed upon in Delicatessen.

The Hidden Fortress
Christopher Lambert escapes from a high-tech prison looking for gold, followed by detective Kyle McLachlan. Unbeknownst to Kyle, Lambert is unwittingly harboring an alien parasite -- he had always thought it was just a stupid accent.
 
 
The Return Of Rothkoid
23:28 / 04.10.02
Get Out Of My Room With A View
Lavishly-filmed Merchant-Ivory period tale about the love that's found in Florence while looking for some really good weed.

Jumpin' Jack Flash Gordon
Sam Jones plays a quarterback who uncovers world of espionage while surfing the ESPN website. He strikes up a friendship with an undercover agent who's sadly killed later in the show because a) he's got a giant pair of wings and b) his loud, stentorian delivery ensures that members of ASIO can pick up his broadcasts without use of amplification. Hilarity ensues. Soundtrack features Queen ripping off the Rolling Stones ripping off blues from time immemorial.

Note: I have resisted the temptation to do My Dinner With Andre The Giant, but only because it actually exists.
 
 
The Return Of Rothkoid
23:35 / 04.10.02
The Postman Only Lives Twice
Jack Nicholson stars in a gritty, depressive saga of sex, dirt, really cool gadgets and some ninjas. Customary product placement and bad wigs ensue.

The Ironweed Giant
A boy is befriended by a giant robot who spends his time on skid row, drinking 20/40 out of a can in a paper bag.

Reservoir Cats & Dogs
The classic tale of the perennial struggle between pets armed with weapons is "reimagined" by Quentin Tarentino. Expect lots of gore, and ruminations on exactly why some cats prefer Whiskas, with recourse to Madonna, fucking and bank jobs.
 
 
The Apple-Picker
23:39 / 04.10.02
Twelve Angry Men In Black

Will Smith as J and Tommy Lee Jones as K return to the big screen in what is sure to be a classic in this indictment of the American legal system. Government agents (letters L through U) join J and K on the jury to protect an alien cloaked as a Puerto Rican Earthling, who is actually the ambassador to the distant galaxy of Zwikverteth. What should be an open and shut case is challenged by one rogue juror. As the drama unfolds, the Men In Black discover their prejudices, and come to a greater understanding of themselves, the trial, and the accused.
 
 
Eloi Tsabaoth
01:20 / 05.10.02
A Simple Plan 9 From Outer Space- Three friends comes across a crashed alien space-craft, containing 1.5 million 'space-dollars'. Can they hide it from the 'astro-police' and their undead minions?
 
 
Puzimandias
17:54 / 05.10.02
A Midsummer Nights Requiem For a Dream
Fairies fall in love and take a lot of drugs

Annie Hallraiser
Woody Allen fails in another relationship but finds a mysterious puzzle box.

A Nightmare on Sesame Street
One, two, Big Bird's coming for you..

Night of the Living Dead Poets Society
Robin Williams teaches the zombies how to break the mould.

Raising Citizen Kane
A psychologist becomes deranged trying to figure out what Rosebud was.

Conan the Barbarella
Swords 'n' space epic with Duran Duran soundtrack.

When Harry Potter met Sally
The scene with the magic wand in the restaurant will always be a classic.
 
 
The Apple-Picker
18:12 / 05.10.02
Little Orphan Annie Hall
Woody Allen as Daddy Warbucks in a tale about love with his ditzy yet precocious charge Annie.
 
 
Gypsy Lantern
12:45 / 19.11.02
This damned thread has been haunting me for months now, to the point that I haven't even dared look at the similar sitcom based thread in case I get stuck in a loop of making up awful sitcom hybrids for another 3 months.

Anyway, I'm forced to temporarily revive this thread just so I don't have to keep this to myself.

El Topo Gun - Jodorowsky flying about in a jet plane modelled in the exact shape of his penis, with his naked 7 year old son as co-pilot.

There. Done with. I can rest.

Le Diner De Convoy
Runaway Bride with White Hair
Uncle Buck-aroo Banzai
Briga-Dune
Lagaan's Run

Enough. Make them stop!
 
 
The Return Of Rothkoid
14:24 / 19.11.02
Enter The Dagon
Bruce Lee goes undercover at an eldritch/blasphemous swapmeet. Lots of arsekicking ensues, and Lee spends most of the film wondering why he can't get that fishy smell off his fists of death.
 
 
gergsnickle
21:15 / 20.11.02
Don't Look Back To The Future - Very short film in which Bob Dylan's cue card dropping performance of "Subterranean Homesick Blues" is cut short when a time hopping Delorean containing Michael J Fox and Christopher Lloyd runs him down.

Bring On The Night Of The Living Dead - What promises to be a rather dull documentary of Sting doing Jazz is enlived when the music transforms listeners into flesh-eating zombies. Viewers are urged to bring ear-plugs.
 
 
William Sack
07:28 / 21.11.02
Reefer Madness of King George

Intriguing new perspective on George III's eccentric behaviour.
 
 
gergsnickle
14:16 / 21.11.02
I Am Curious Yellow Submarine - Lena joins the Beatles for an animated quest for enlightenment. On a flying submarine.
 
 
XXII:X:II = XXX
18:26 / 23.11.02
Y Tu Big Mama From the Train: Billy Crystal and Danny deVito are on a roadtrip across Mexico when they pick up a hitchhiking Martin Lawrence in drag. A slapstick love triangle results which ends only when Martin jumps out of the car waving a gun. Well, wouldn't you?

JFK-9: DA Jim Garrison employs the help of a lovable pooch to find the third gunman.

8 Crazy Mile: Eminem dyes his hair black to pass for Jewish in this animated romp.

Spirited Far & Away: It doesn't really matter what the plot of this would be, as long as at some point it devolved into a hentai starring Nicole Kidman doing all the freak-nasty shit she should have done in Eyes Wide Shut.

E.T.A.I.: A precious android boy finds an adorable alien refugee. It's not until the third reel that anyone begins to guess that Spielberg's been wiping his ass on celluloid, but by then the audience has gone into insulin shock.
 
 
XXII:X:II = XXX
18:35 / 23.11.02
...and of course in going throught his thread afterwards I find that I've already done one blending Far and Away with Spirited Away. This one's better, though. Plus I did one using Throw Momma From the Train. You realize you're an alcoholic when you repeat yourself. You realize you're an alcoholic when you repeat yourself. Oh dammit dammit goddammit...
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
11:01 / 24.11.02
Eight and a Half Weeks- in which Fellini goes for the cheap "soft porn" dollar.

At Play In The Field of Dreams- Kevin Costner, ripped to the tits of ayahuasca, crashes his plane into a rain forest, where he teaches the inhabitants about baseball. They all die. Tom Waits does drugs.
 
 
Knight's Move
00:20 / 26.11.02
Point Breaker Morant

Keanu goes undercover during the Boer war to discover why three Australian officers killed Boer prisoners. Discovers it was under orders. Convicted with the others he escapes from firing squad by making anachronistic dive out of plane attached to Edward Woodward.

No Patrick Swayze is what makes this special.
 
 
The Return Of Rothkoid
01:04 / 26.11.02
An Officer And A Gentlemen Prefer Blondes
Musical drama. "Two little blondes from Little Rock" join the Navy Flight School and discover that diamonds are a bit thin on the ground. Except for the one Gere's mate bought before he offed himself, that is. Soundtrack not Hoagy Carmichael's finest hour.
 
 
The Strobe
08:19 / 26.11.02
Ghost: the Way of the Samurai

Patrick Swayze stars as a largely ineffective dead hitman, who lives his life according to the samurai code, when he's not making pots. The irony of a dead killer is strong, but the fact he can't kill anybody sucks a bit. The fact he can't really act sucks more. Original, urban score by Kenny Loggins.

Has anyone done The Unbearable Lightness of Being John Malkovich yet?
 
 
The Return Of Rothkoid
09:05 / 26.11.02
The Big Easy Rider
More shit happens Down South.

Panic Room With A View
Beautiful period drama about forbidden love, shot as a love-letter to Florence. It's just a shame you can't see any of it from behind the 14-foot steel walls.
 
 
The Return Of Rothkoid
09:09 / 26.11.02
Freejack City
Crack-sellers discover that futuristic bodysnatching is a more profitable sideline. The Rolling Stones are their biggest customers. Edgy score includes crossover hit "Beast of Motherfuckin' Burden".
 
 
The Strobe
09:17 / 26.11.02
Charly's Angels
Charly, a simple man made intelligent by scientific experiment, is called upon to head up a crack unit of female, um, action-secret-porn-agents. But in the middle of a crucial mission, he finds his new found intelligence begins to fail, just as it did to his mouse-friend Algernon - with terrible consequences for the girls.
 
 
The Return Of Rothkoid
09:18 / 26.11.02
Butch Cassidy and the Karate Kid
A spirited tale of bankrobbing in Western times, while trying to grow up and not get the crap kicked out of you. Watch for Robert Redford's stagecoach-waxing scenes. Pat Morita sports a lovely pair of chaps.

The Lord Of the Ring
A rag-tag bunch of adventurers are entrusted with The One Tape. They journey to the Crack or Doom to find a VCR to watch it in, only to discover that it'll kill them a week later. Dying, Frodo wonders why he just didn't give the fucking thing to Gollum after all.
 
 
Ex
10:25 / 26.11.02
Room at the Top Gun
Gritty, angry drama of a young Tom Cruise working his way up through local government in a grimy, angry, gritty northern town - by instinct, breaking all the rules.

A Local Government Officer and a Gentleman
Identical, but with hit song "Love lift us up North where it's grim"
 
 
000
11:47 / 26.11.02
Faster Pussycat, Kill, Kill, Kill Your Boyfriend

The famed occult writer reveals his fetish about large breasts.
 
 
rizla mission
12:05 / 26.11.02
Falling Down by Law
Driven insane by the stresses of his life as an unemployed DJ, Tom Waits buys some guns and causes random vigilante mayhem on the streets of New Orleans, before being arrested and hanging himself in a prison cell to escape the persistent yet touching comedy japery of Roberto Benigni..
 
 
rory
15:23 / 26.11.02
This just has to be the place for a first post.

24 Hour The Party People
Peter Sellers stars as Manchester rave-goer looking for 'birdy num-nums'.

2001: An Office Space Odyssey
Dave has a hell of a day at work.

Die Another Day at the Races
Groucho plays Bond in latest non-Fleming instalment.

Morvern Callar of the Wild
Scottish girl wigs out after death of boyfriend and flees north to become a sled-dog.

Fargo and Away
Quirky Minnesota police officer sees Nicole Kidman putting Tom Cruise through a woodchipper.
 
 
XXII:X:II = XXX
00:19 / 27.11.02
Raiders of the Lost Boys: Blade III.

Strange Brewster's Millions: Richard Pryor must avenge the death of his long lost father, the emir of Saudi Arabia, by having the US Army's budget inflated to spend the entirety of the surplus. Presidents Bob & Doug need only be supplied with as much beer as they can drink to look the other way. Hilarity ensues when they drink Pryor into the poorhouse. Guffaw.

Um, some decent porn, 8 Mile and whatever the fuck that Britney Spears movie was called: My dream movie starring Pink, Avril Lavigne and Gwen Stefani...

...could someone please make that movie? And give it a slightly shorter title?
 
 
William Sack
07:48 / 27.11.02
Wag the Dog Soldiers

The New Labour spin machine goes into overdrive to divert public attention from the deeply unpopular war against Iraq by manufacturing a domestic crisis - the War on Werewolves.
 
  

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