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Films - It's 'Gone with the wind' meets 'Scooby Doo'

 
  

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rizla mission
14:24 / 27.11.02
The Wages of Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas
A fucked up outlaw journalist and his psychotic attorney somehow end up leading a convoy of Nitro-Glycerine filled trucks across the mountains. Possibly on the way to Las Vegas, we're not sure.

Digby, The Biggest Dog Day Afternoon in the World
Tense drama in which a gigantic loveable pooch voiced by Al Pacino holds up a bank in a misguided attempt to pay for his partner's sex change operation.
 
 
rory
15:39 / 27.11.02
Driving Miss Days of Thunder
Morgan Freeman and Jessica Tandy get lapped 38 times in this heart-racing slice of high-octane, high-octogenarian action.

On Goldenfinger
Bond and Blofeld 'suck face'.

Ice Age of Innocence
Computer-animated sabre-tooths bust up elaborate high-society ball.

Reign of Mrs Doubtfire
Robin Williams stars as everyone's favourite old dragon.
 
 
Tezcatlipoca
16:15 / 27.11.02
Live And Let Die Another Day
Pierce Brosnan and Roger Moore wrestle to determine whose name will give given top billing.

The Spider-Man Who Wasn't There
Billy Bob-Thornton stars as the reluctant super-hero who inadvertantly murders his wife's boss.

From Hell In The Pacific
Jack the Ripper escapes the police, only to wind up trapped on a small island with a downed Japanese pilot.

Moby Dick Tracy
The white detective surfaces, chased as ever by his old nemesis, Captain Ahab Brandon.

Lord Of The Fly
Reworking of Golding's classic tale of a group of schoolboys who - in attempting to transport themselves - merge their DNA with that of a fly.


And welcome, rory...
 
 
rory
19:08 / 27.11.02
Cheers, Tezcatlipoca. Good to be here.

Super Marathon Brothers
Bob Hoskins and some other bloke dressed up in overalls fight video-game monsters by pulling out their teeth.
 
 
Tezcatlipoca
19:26 / 27.11.02
A Clockwork Orange County
Stanley Kubrick achieves the hitherto impossible by filming Anthony Burgess' masterpiece about a youth attempting to gain entry to a university in order to learn Nadsat.

The Sixth Sense And Sensibility
Jane Austen classic about a child actor cursed with the ability to see the otherwise thankfully invisible Bruce Willis.


We must be running out of these by now...
 
 
Eloi Tsabaoth
21:09 / 27.11.02
North by Northwestworld- Cary Grant goes to a theme park that simulates the experience of being chased around the US by a bunch of sinister murderous spies, with no personal risk to himself, until there's a malufunction and a robotic James Mason just keeps... on... coming...

Withnail And The King And I- Hilarious tale of Paul McGann's disastrous flat-sharing with a drunken boorish actor and the deposed King of Siam. Features classic song 'Getting To Hate You'...
 
 
rizla mission
13:20 / 28.11.02
that last one just HAS to become a reality..
 
 
Eloi Tsabaoth
14:47 / 28.11.02
Followed by the sequel, 'Withnail And The King And I And I', which is the same, but more Jamaican.
 
 
ephemerat
15:38 / 28.11.02
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets and Lies

Mike Leigh directs. Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardy is torn apart by revelation after revelation after an old diary is found. What is Harry Potter's real ancestry? Who is the heir of Slytheran? What's with the big snake? Friendships crumble and dissolve, mistrust runs rife, Kenneth Brannagh and Timothy Spall race toward their inevitable mental and emotional breakdowns.
 
 
Baz Auckland
15:53 / 18.03.04
Raiders of the Lost Translation
Bill Murray and Scarlett Johansson hang around a Tokyo hotel fighting Nazis and searching for love, meaning, and the Ark of the Covenant... the entire cast has their face melt off in the end.
 
 
We're The Great Old Ones Now
17:28 / 18.03.04
Oxford Blue Velvet

A young American student at Oxford joins the rowing crew to pursue the woman of his dreams, only to discover an ear in the bottom of the boat, and Dennis Hopper coaching the team.
 
 
Saint Keggers
17:36 / 18.03.04
Midnight Cowboy Beebop in the Garden of Good and Evil That Men Do

New Orleanime with Charles Bronson and lots of drugs.
 
 
rizla mission
20:36 / 18.03.04
Invocation of My Demon Brother Bear
In an unusually adventurous move, Disney bring us this avant garde ten minute cut-up featuring a luciferian ritual performed by a big, friendly bear.
 
 
Warewullf
20:52 / 18.03.04
Some Like it Hot Shots! Part Deux

When Topper Harley witnesses a mob hit, he flees the state in an all female band disguised as a woman, but further complications set in when he's asked to lead a special operation into Iraq.

Hilarity ensues.
 
 
Warewullf
20:56 / 18.03.04
Singin' in the Rain Man

In 1927, Don Lockwood and Charlie Babbitt are a famous on-screen romantic pair. Charlie, however, mistakes the on-screen romance for real love. Offscreen, Don has to dodge the romantic overtures of Raymond, the institutionalized savant brother that Charlie didn't know he had.
 
 
Warewullf
21:00 / 18.03.04
My Stepmother is an Alien

Kim Basinger is sent on a secret mission to Earth, where she appears as a gorgeous, attractive, and single lady. After seducing scientist Dan Akroyd, she lays an egg in his chest and eats his daughter, Alyson Hannigan.
 
 
Warewullf
21:22 / 18.03.04
The Great Escape from New York

Based on a true story, a condemned criminal and former war hero is offered his freedom if he can rescue the President of the United States from the walled prison island of Manhattan, a German POW camp. Set during the Second World War, ex-soldier Snake Plissken must dig a tunnel into, and out of, the infamous camp.

The Sixth Sense and Sensibility

When Bruce Willis dies, he must leave the bulk of his estate to the son by his first marriage, a young boy with who sees dead people, which leaves his second wife and three daughters in straitened circumstances. Overcoming the constraints placed upon them by society, these three women must help the boy overcome his fear, and help the spirit of their departed father, who thinks he still alive and working as a child psychologist.


Braveheartbreakers

A mother and daughter con team seduceses Mel Gibson into leading an uprising against the English.
 
 
Warewullf
21:29 / 18.03.04
A Time to Kill Bill: Vol. 1

Uma Thurman awakens from a coma and faces the toughest case of her life, defending a Samuel L. Jackson, who is accussed of murdering two white men.

The KKK and samurai assassins blend in the deep south and make this a challenging, and bloody, outing.
 
 
Warewullf
21:55 / 18.03.04
(Good gods, this is addictive...)

Pokémonster

The true story Ten-year-old Ash, who aspires to be the greatest Pokémon trainer in the world. To do this, he must search the world for all 150 Pokémon, while avoiding the likes of Team Rocket and Aileen Wuornos, one of America's first female serial killers!
 
 
rizla mission
22:05 / 18.03.04
Lost Highway in La Mancha

Terrifying meta-fictional nightmare about David Lynch trying to make a film about Don Quixote killing his wife.

Boogie Nights of the Hunter

An edgy, knife-wielding porn star wanders into a small town and.. well frankly, I think it's best if we stop there.
 
 
Eloi Tsabaoth
22:15 / 18.03.04
You stole Boogie Nights from my mind!! MY MIND!!

A Boogie Night to Remember
Young Jack Dawson is on the Titanic with naught but a dream, a cheery whistle, and an iceberg sized* wang. Who should he bump into but turn of the century pornographers, ready for him to join their quazi-familial gang? And what should they all bump into but a big iceberg?
Caution: Contains footage of a naked elderly woman throwing a jewel-encrusted dildo into the sea.


*But not shaped.
 
 
Eloi Tsabaoth
22:18 / 18.03.04
A Connecticut Yankee in King Kong's Court
See Bing Crosby eaten alive.
 
 
Alex's Grandma
22:47 / 18.03.04
This isn't my idea, I hasten to add, but,
" Die Happiness. "
This would be a combination of the Todd Solenz and Bruce Willis movies - You'd have this burned-out, a bit stressed, but ultimately fairly honourable NYPD cop who'd made one mistake too many outside the local primary school, but who'd then go on to save the city from certain destruction. " Yippe K-Aye, motherfucker, " and that type of thing. It'd be a red-blooded action thriller, but the hero might seem... I don't know... perhaps a bit too interested in saving the children - obviously in this type of situation, any good parent is going to put the kids first, but our hero, at this stage, might not be able to control himself, the knowing glint in his eye.
But he'd have saved the city, saved thousands of lives.
The audience, after this, would leave the cinema feeling fairly confused, I guess.
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
09:14 / 19.03.04
Ronnie Barko

Fletcher is plagued by visions of a giant rabbit leading him out of his cell at night. Can he save Godber? Or is the world doomed?
 
 
Bed Head
09:49 / 19.03.04
Donnie Darko Juan deMarco.

Trapped in what may or may not be an alternative universe, Johnny Depp (wearing a cape and a mask and nothing else) seduces Jake Gyllenhaal with the line that 28 days of relentless sex will open a time portal and return them both to ‘God’s path’. Depp sounds crazy, but Gyllenhaal has the nagging feeling something is very wrong with a universe in which he isn’t a millionaire superstar, and so participates in this weird scheme.
 
 
rizla mission
10:15 / 19.03.04
How Green is my Valley of the Dolls

The decadent lifestyles and sexual depravity of the women of a Welsh mining town exposed!
 
 
Michelle Gale
10:31 / 19.03.04
Top Hun-

Tom cruise transported to 1941 Germany with a fuckoff plane, and his English, gay, jewish sidekick Phillip Merryweather providing the comic relief.
 
 
Sax
10:46 / 19.03.04
Love Ronnie Barko.

Open All Hours Range

Stuttering shopkeeper Kevin Costner must fight the worst the lawless West can offer to win the love of Nurse Gladys Emmanuelle.
 
 
The Strobe
11:29 / 19.03.04
Demolition Man Dancin'
Sylvester Stallone, kept in a prototype cryo-prison, is released back onto the streets of Glasgow, where he tries to do something good with his life.

Buffalo 66 Soldiers
Vincent Gallo ends up taking a lot of drugs whilst on a bum tour of duty in 80s Germany. With Christina Ricci as Anna Paquin.

21 Jump Street Grams
Johnny Depp plays an cop undercover as a teenager. At the Jump Street station where he's based, gravity is peculiarly weak - so much so that the average cadaver registers 21 grams on the scales. That's the weight of life, buddy.

Starsky and Hooch
Ben Stiller plays Tom Hanks in this crossover comedy. With his partner Ken Hutchinson on holiday in Maui, Starsky must team up with a fucking dog to bust a huge drug-smuggling operation.

The School of The Rock
Following his supposed disappearance at the end of The Rock, ex-convict John Mason blags a room with his best friend from school (James Mason). When he takes a job intended for a friend, as a substitute teacher, he ends up with a class of children particularly talented at ass-kicking. He trains them how to break in and out of any world jail, and how to out-act Nicholas Cage in a mine-cart.

Torque to Her
A biker's girlfriend hits the bull-bars of an SUV in a deadly game of chicken. Whilst in a coma, the biker befriends a male nurse, and the most unlikely foreign-language action-movie-romance ever ensues. From the producer of The Fast and the Furious.

Cheaper by the Dirty Dozen
Stever Martin plays a father whose children have a nasty accident with a time machine. Transported back to WWII, one crazy family are going to take down some of the top brass of the Wehrmacht!

Big Fish
Edward Bloom wished he could be big for just one day - little did he know, that instead of turning into Tom Hanks, he'd turn into a bedridden Albert Finney! Stuck in a bed, he decides to make the best of the day by telling some tall tales, and relaxing by jumping up and down on a giant piano keyboard. Dorky fun for the whole family.
 
 
Panic
14:08 / 19.03.04
MONSTER AND COMMANDER

A lesbian serial killer locked in mortal combat with Napoleon's Navy.
 
 
Mr Tricks
17:13 / 19.03.04
Until the end of the mad mad mad mad world
An ensemble cast of mostly dead comedians chase William Hurt across the globe while he quests to record the dreams of Max von Sydow who is hiding under a great big double-U in the Australian outback.

Night of the Live and Let Die
Roger Moore attempts to revive his career as Cinema's favorate spy not realising that he's really a Zombie in need of a brains. Paul McArtney and Micheal Jackson supply the soundtrack.

13 warrior
Antonio Bandarias stars as a muslim single mother who's 13 year old daughter has taken up sex, drugs, sword wielding and canabalism in an attempt to be accepted by highschools most popular group of nordic warriors.

The Fog of Star Wars
A moving documentary detailing Robert McNamara's personal quest to play the role of Jar Jar binks throughout the production of the Original Star Wars trilogy.

ROCKY and raging Bullwinkle
In a cutting edge combination of live action and animation, Philidelphea flying squirrel(played live by Sylvester Stallone) must train day and night for his showdown against animated "toon" boxing champ Raging Bullwinkle (rotoscoped animation of Robert DeNero with voice acting by Mr.T) in a bought that has the fate of the world in the balance.

Mad Party Monster Party
Based on a true story, this animated film by Rankin Bass, the creative team behind classic TV specials; "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" and countless others, tells the tail of a young vampire's rise to suck-sess in the early 90's Manhattan Night club community. Following his rise and gradual decline into a sex, drug and disco fueled orgy of animated body parts and toy dolls.
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
17:36 / 19.03.04
The Lord of the Rings: part two- The Two Ronnies

Make this one up yourselves, kids.

Cannon and Thunderball

Jamesh Bond. Pullsh on hish brashes and shesh "rock on, Tommy". A lot.

O Chuckle Brothers, Where Art Thou?

Ostensibly based on Homer (you know, that bloke off the Simpsons who wrote Ulysses 31), this screwball comedy sees Barry and Paul escaping a chain gang while dressed as singing dogs. Kind of like "Some Like It Hot", except not in any real sense of the word "like".
 
 
rizla mission
17:38 / 19.03.04
High Fidelity Noon

The tension builds as John Cusack vainly tries to organise his record collection in time for the midday shoot-out with the outlaw he sent to jail. Features Jack Black singing "Do Not Forsake Me Oh My Darling".
 
 
Rev. Orr
20:37 / 19.03.04
Picnic at the School of Rock
Jack Black blags his way into a cushy teaching job at an exclusive Australian School for Girls. Sadly, his plan to find a new sound for the school band by taking them on a day trip into the bush goes horribly wrong when the entire rhythm section mysteriously disappears despite carrying their instruments and being encased in twelve yards of crinolene each.

Blithe Spirited Away
A honeymooning couple find themselves stranded in a Japanese Bathhouse with an unusual clientel. Demons are the least of their troubles when the ghost of bridegrooms first wife arrives for her weekly ablutions and appears to have forgotten that pesky 'till death do us part' clause. Noel Coward's epigrams marry to perfection with the sumptuous animation until they find themselves stuck on a train and it all goes a bit 'Brief Encounter'.

Wild at Heart Strawberries
A quiet, tragi-comic tale of rural Swedish life with all the usual longuers, telling glimpses, snakeskin jackets, random violence and 'Oz' hallucinations.

A Mystic River Runs Through It
A potent mixture of nostalgia, achingly beautiful scenery, kiddy-fiddling and revenge. With the pacing of turgid treacle it's impossible to sit through in one attempt, but it's still cheaper than just writing to every member of the Academy and asking for an Oscar.

Spell-Bound
A heart-warming documentary following a selection of young photogenic lesbians competing to steal the profits of a national spelling bess competition from the Mob.
 
 
Ex
16:51 / 21.03.04
Freaky Friday the Thirteenth

Disney body-swap fun; Jodie Foster wakes up in her mother's body just as her deranged uncle Jason drops by. Lacking adult guile, Foster is instantly dismembered.
 
  

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