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Films - It's 'Gone with the wind' meets 'Scooby Doo'

 
  

Page: (1)23456... 10

 
 
Rev. Orr
09:28 / 30.09.02
Too much caffeine, nothing to do at work and hazy memories of the pitch scene in 'The Player' have left me with a burning desire to make these films NOW...

The Seventh Navy SEAL - with the rest of his unit destroyed, it's up to Private Lincoln Q. Patriot to take down this terrorist with the long black cloak and the scythe.

Apocolypse Now and Again - Christina Ricci takes a long journey up the Mississippi to bring in her childhood friend Rosie O'Donnell for murdering Daytime chat as a genre. The shoot overran by 16 minutes and Christina had heartburn.

The Longest Day of the Hunter - How Yerp was liberated by psychotic tattooed preachers.

Betty Blue Juice - She's mad! She surfs! She looks good on a student bedsit wall!

The Mallrats of Nimh - Heroic mice have adventures, smoke blunts and discuss superhero penes. Alanis Morrisette appears briefly for no good reason, looks embarrassed and leaves.

Surely somebody can do better...
 
 
.
09:50 / 30.09.02
On a not-entirely-unrelated subject...

War Film Restaurant Menu Game

Your choice of Hamburger Hill or Pork Chop Hill
Served with Full Metal Jacket Potato or M*A*S*H

...?
 
 
that
09:51 / 30.09.02
Reign of Fire Down Below

It's Steven Seagal. It's dragons. It's business-dragons in suits who're destroying countryside in the Kentucky hills with their toxic emissions, and it's (surprise surprise) Steven Seagal's job to stop them.

Damn, that was crap. This is actually really hard...
 
 
rizla mission
10:17 / 30.09.02
Full Metal Jacket Not Included
Phil Collins enters a world of shit. Obligatory gag about him feeling completely at home. Possibly Peter Gabriel can play the sadistic drill sergeant, blaring Sledgehammer at the poor recruits at oh-six-hundered-hours..
 
 
The Strobe
10:40 / 30.09.02
The High Road To Perdition
Bob Hope and Bing Crosby star in an all-singing, all-dancing, all tommy-gun-toting musical about a hitman and his comedy sidekick in thirties America. It's got to be better than Ishtar, right?

The Remains of the Days of Thunder
An aging butler reflects on his youthful days, and his wild homosexual love affair with the young NASCAR hotshot who used to employ him.

Jackie Chan's First Knight
Jackie Chan IS King Arthur in this rip-roraing, slightly anachronistic take on Arthurian legend; the grail is once again missing, England is in ruin, and the only man who can save it is its once and future king, equipped with high-kicking martial arts skills he learnt in his last trip to the East...

shit, I could do this all day.
 
 
William Sack
10:42 / 30.09.02
El Cid and Nancy
Charlton Heston and Sophia Loren in a squalid tale of heroin, punk rock, death, and driving the moorish infidel from Spain.
 
 
Rev. Orr
11:04 / 30.09.02
The Princess Bride of Frankenstein - Hallo, my name is Elsa Lanchester - you kill my creator; prepare to die...

Bottle Rocket to the Moon - it may only be six minutes long but it feels much, much more.

Metropolice Academy - Steve Guttenberg and his band of amusing misfits rescue the underclass of a future city from their oppressive plutocrat masters. A robot is discovered giving him a blowjob under a desk and is promptly burned at the stake.

Easy Ride With the Devil - The nation tears itself apart, brother fights brother and Jack Nicholson pops some primo acid.

Lord of the Ring 0 - A blockbuster is released. It is so dull that a week after watching it, people still want to kill themselves.

When Harry Palmer met Sally - He cooked her a gourmet meal - she faked an orgasm.

Red Dawn of the Dead - It has commies. It has zombies. It has a budget that can only be counted is partially sucked M&Ms. It rules like a Plantagenet badger.
 
 
We're The Great Old Ones Now
11:04 / 30.09.02
Six Feet Under Siege

A funeral home is taken over by Tommy Lee Jones, who plans to use the corpses as ballistic weapons in the global fight to become ludicrously wealthy. Plucky embalmer Segal, a former commando, steps in to save the world from this somewhat futile plot.


Miracle on 42nd Street

Father Christmas falls in love with a showgirl. Reindeer and snow replace bare flesh and cocaine in New York's seedy Times Square. But is cheery Dicky just a mad old coot in a red frock? And can love triumph over elves?


Lock, Stock, Aitken and Watermann

Pop goes hardcore as shotgun-toting Kylie enforces the rules of the London Mob. Plucky fellas Jason, Luke, and Matt need money and fast. Kylie just wants to live in the country with her daughter, Vinnie.


Bob Hope and Bing Crosby's "Road to... Perdition"

"We're on the road to Perdition! We certainly do get arou-ound!
And on this road to Perdition, we may end up under the grou-ound!
Connor killed Finn and the world is a mess,
Michael's son Michael is in some distress,
The killer takes pictures and it just ain't right -
Don't walk to your car through the rain tonight!"


B&W classic featuring the lovable rogues trying not to get murdered by quite a lot of people.
 
 
We're The Great Old Ones Now
11:05 / 30.09.02
Damn you, Paleface...
 
 
Sax
12:05 / 30.09.02
Withnail and I, Claudius
Out of work Roman emperor decides to get away to the country to avoid hedonistic lifestyle that is slowly killing him - only to discover he is being stalked by enemies bent on doing him harm!

Arsenic and Old Lace II
"Which one of you bitches is my mother?", snarls murderer hiding out in pensioners' house.
 
 
Sax
12:09 / 30.09.02
Thelmatrix and Louise
Pop-singing wife of football star goes on the run after discovering the star-studded world she took as her real life is in fact an illusion, and she is in fact a single mother-of-two living in a council flat in Essex.
 
 
Papess
12:25 / 30.09.02
Fried Green Tomato Mile

Fry them up and eat 'em!
 
 
The Strobe
12:35 / 30.09.02
The Godfather of the Bride
I refuse to outline the plot for this as it's probably been made by some fucking sucky spoof movie-making company. You know, the people who populate Blockbuster shelves with "Scream If You Know What I Did Last Friday the 13th".

Night of the Crocodile Hunter
Steve Irwin directed by Charles Laughton. Bonzer.

The First Wives' Fight Club
Chuck Palahniuk's controversial novel gets a matriarchal makeover. With Sandra Bullock, Julia Roberts, and some out of work aging Hollywood star. Probably... Glenn Close.

The West Wings Of Desire
Cross-over extended TV movie; a pair of guardian angels, played by Gabriel Byrne and Aaron Eckhart, live on the roof of the White House and watch over its smart, wisecracking, slightly-too-witty staff as they save the world from a parallel fictional universe, where America is run by a megalomaniac madman. With Richard Roundtree as Captain Brooks.
 
 
Sax
12:42 / 30.09.02
On the Beaches
Bette Midler leads a disparate group of nuclear war survivors who end up killing themselves rather than listen to her singing The Wind Beneath My Wings one more time.
 
 
Sax
12:45 / 30.09.02
Gosassic Park
Ensemble cast of renowned British dinosaurs gather for classic murder mystery tale in a big house in the heart of England. Just as the tension-filled climax approaches, the T-Rex eats everyone, and the mystery remains unsolved.
 
 
William Sack
12:47 / 30.09.02
East is East of Eden

James Dean and Om Puri in Cain and Abel parable set in the Asian community of a small northern English town.
 
 
Rev. Orr
13:02 / 30.09.02
Throne of Blood Wedding - Kurosawa and Lorca; just how black polo-neck and beret can you get?

This Treasure Island Earth - Pirates. In space. With ray guns. And grog. And Tom the cabin boy smiled his secret smile...

Raging Bull Durham - 120 minutes of Bob De Niro whaling on Kevin Costner in black and white slo-mo.

InnerSpace Jam - Dennis Quiad plays basketball with Bugs Bunny in Michael Jordan's lungs

In the Realm of Mrs. Smilla's Sense of Snow - and I'm reaching...
 
 
The Monkey
13:24 / 30.09.02
Stand and Deliverance. Edward James Olmos as a plucky teacher inspiring his calculus class of wizened inner-city kids with a rafting trip through the Applachians.

Burnt by the Son of Kong. Slow-paced Russian drama about a man in the countryside coming to terms with his wife's affair with a giant ape from a legendary island.
 
 
Tuna Ghost: Pratt knot hero
13:48 / 30.09.02
El Cid and Nancy
Charlton Heston and Sophia Loren in a squalid tale of heroin, punk rock, death, and driving the moorish infidel from Spain.


They're all great, but I think this is my favorite.
 
 
Papess
13:54 / 30.09.02
Maybe I should have written this as:

Fried Solent Green Tomato Mile

Oh, that that's 3
 
 
The Return Of Rothkoid
14:52 / 30.09.02
The Power Of One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest
A young boy growing up in South Africa learns the hearbreak of apartheid, and that you probably shouldn't piss the Big Nurse off.

Once Upon A Time In The North By Northwest
Charming story of mistaken identity. Features Cary Grant in chaps, ends with James Mason failing to flee into Canada on a rented burro.

The Se7en Samurai
Tale of intrigue as a village in ancient Japan hires a serial killer to bump off warlords in manners that reflect various teachings of the Hagakure. Highlights include Benicio Del Toro and Kevin Spacey in the famed "Hand me the riceballs, ronin!" sequence.

The Third Elephant Man
Edgy wartime drama. John Merrick is a rakish blackmarket trader, using his hideous deformities to dazzle security guard and distant actress alike. Anton Karas theme for zither and trumpeting trunk is a highlight.

Heaven Can Wait For Guffman
Uncomfortably funny docudrama which reveals exactly why Bullworth took so long to produce. No punches pulled.

The Spider-Man-In-The-Iron-Mask
An action-packed film about an noble arachnid wrongly imprisioned. Will he ever be freed? Kirsten Dunst's nipples and a shitload of ye olde CGI star.
 
 
We're The Great Old Ones Now
14:59 / 30.09.02
The Se7en Samurai
Tale of intrigue as a village in ancient Japan hires a serial killer to bump off warlords in manners that reflect various teachings of the Hagakure. Highlights include Benicio Del Toro and Kevin Spacey in the famed "Hand me the riceballs, ronin!" sequence.


I could sell that.
 
 
videodrome
15:14 / 30.09.02
The first two are kinda cheating...

The Iron Giant
Rock Hudon stars as a farmowner whose fields are destroyed when a huge, armored robot (voiced by James Dean) falls from the sky. Heart-wrenching family drama ensues as the Iron Giant helps Rock rebuild his family and farm. But a viscious oil tycoon sees the Giant as the key to a new oil fortune and technology. When he attemps to put his plan into action, the Iron Giant's true nature is revealed.

Cobra Verde
Herzog directs Stallone in an action-packed, swashbuckling adventure. Stallone must make his way to the African coast to reopen the slave trade, but he realizes how wrong it is. Stallone's shades stay on, his shirt comes off, everybody dies.

The Marathon Man Who Wasn't There
Dustin Hoffman stars as a Jewish barber in New York. When he suspects his wife's boss is smuggling Nazi gold into the country, he's pulled into a treacherous web of intrigue that costs him his wife and livlihood.

The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover on the Bridge
Pretentious drivel. Fell asleep. Lots of nudity, though.

Mulholland Driving Miss Daisy
An old woman and her driver play a psycho-sexual game of cat and mouse as she tries to escape his emotional imprisonment. But is she really his prisoner? And who's that weird looking gardener living behind the carriage house? Wait, it's Bill Murray!
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
15:26 / 30.09.02
Forrest Gummo- Tom Hanks plays an endearingly inbred redneck who turns up at various important events of the 20th Century and tries to whore out his sister. Oh yeah, he has a mullet too.

Dark City of Angels- Nicolas Cage wakes up with amnesia and Meg Ryan's corpse in his bed.

Night of the Living Dead Ringers- Jeremy Irons plays identical twin mad scientists who both fall in love with the same zombie- with hilarious consequences.
 
 
Bear
15:32 / 30.09.02
(Threadrot)Just have to add in here that Gummo is on C5 sometime this week (Thursday I think), I'm writing this because I believe that someone was talking about it last week at the meet, think it might have actually been you Maominstoat (End Threadrot)
 
 
videodrome
15:35 / 30.09.02
Caddyshackleton

In an effort to raise money to explore the North Pole, Shackleton (Chevy Chase) enters a golf tournament, won five years running by the unscrupulous Judge Smails (Kenneth Branagh). Fortunately, Shackleton has Carl Spackler on his side after sharing some blunts one night, and Carl uses his wiles to freeze the course on the morning of the tourney, giving Shackleton the advantage he needs to prevail.
 
 
The Return Of Rothkoid
15:46 / 30.09.02
The Killing Field Of Dreams
Kevin Costner discovers that Pol Pot doesn't really like baseball that much.
 
 
videodrome
15:53 / 30.09.02
Somebody stop me.

Bullit Over Broadway
Steve McQueen stars as an upstart playwright who gets in hot water with the mob when a mafia financier suspects McQueen of being an undercover cop out to bust crooked money on Broadway. Of course he is, and amazing action ensues when McQueen finally makes his move. I give this one 5 hubcaps.

A Hard Day's Night of the Living Dead
A classic. While on tour in Pittsburgh, Paul is forced to look after his gandfather who has recently become a zombie. Impetuous and malicious, gramps runs off to bite the hordes of Beatles fans, turning them into pop-crazed zombies. Word has it that Leornard Maltin still screams like a little girl when he watches this one.
 
 
The Return Of Rothkoid
16:04 / 30.09.02
In the same vein, be sure to catch Magical Mystery Tour Of Duty, in which those crazy moptops load up a bus with pensioners and napalm, before staging an assault upon the Viet Cong. Wonderful soundtrack, very little sense, and many shots of Paul rocking backwards and forwards, shellshocked, screaming "goo-goo-g'joob... MAAN!"

Hellraiser The Red Lantern is a poignant period tale of love, class, and tearing people apart with hooks in China. Sumptuous set-dressing, panoramic photography and a bloke with pins stuck in his head feature.
 
 
kagemaru
16:16 / 30.09.02
The Postman Always Rings Twice
Kevin Costner in steamy post-atomic noir murder caper with Tolkien undertones

Easy Riders of the Lost Ark
Jack Nicholson, Peter Fonda, Harrison Ford and Dennis Hopper as dope-smuggling bikers fighting NeoNazis on the trail of the fated Bible relic. Watch out fora Tom Robbins Cameo.

The Man That Would Be King Kong
Sean Connery in his biggest part yet...

Apollo the 13th - The Final Chapter
The world's most claustrophobic stalker movie, pits astronaut Tom Hanks against a faceless killer hiding in the dark corners of the Apollo module

Home Alone in the Dark
A lone child in a house besieged by a gang of psychopats led by Jack Palance. Based on the famous videogame.

American Beauty and the Beast
Suburban tragicomedy with supernatural twists
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
16:21 / 30.09.02
(Threadrot)- yup, Bear, that woulda been me. (end threadrot).

Hellraise the Titanic- an epic of nautical archaeology and body-piercing.

The Long Good Friday 13th- (spoiler alert)- Jason gets shot in the head.

I Spit On Your Shallow Grave- comic shocker in which Ewan McGregor gets raped then hides in the attic with a drill and a bunch of cash.
 
 
XXII:X:II = XXX
19:18 / 30.09.02
Better Off Dead Poets Society: John Cusack pines after a girl, is challenged to a ski race by Kurtwood Smith, puts on a crown of thorns and jumps out the window. Classic line: "O Booger, My Booger."

Throw Momma From The Trainspotting: Billy Crystal and Danny deVito shoot up smack. It is the most amusing thing they've done in years.

The Princess Mononoke Bride: The undead head of Andre the Giant chases Cary Elwes into Hollywood obscurity.

In Too Deep Throat: Kevin Costner has to blow a studio chief to get another movie made.

Bill & Pee-Wee's Big Adventure: Alex Winters and Paul Reubens fight over a day-old cut of meat in a dumpster behind Sardi's.

It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie's Angels: Drew Barrymore waits in a pumpkin patch for her off-center savior, but passes out when she discovers it's just Tom Green searching for the Red Baron.

Shit, I've got enough venom to do this for hours.
 
 
Persephone
19:44 / 30.09.02
quote: The Postman Always Rings Twice

At home we always call The Postman "Dances With Mail."
 
 
gridley
21:13 / 30.09.02
The Godzillas Must Be Crazy! -- It begins with a falling coke bottle, it ends with a big footprint where an aboriginee village used to be.

The Trouble With Harry Potter -- A boy wizard is dead. Now, if only Hermione and Ron can agree on what to do with the body before Snape's big exam.

A.I. Am Sam -- : A mentally retarded man fights for custody of his robot daughter.
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
21:36 / 30.09.02
Two Thousand And One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest- Keir Dullea plays an asylum inmate who's convinced he's found The Answer somewhere in space...

The Holy Moun10- A midget rescues Christ from the cross. They watch some frogs being blown up, and a procession of crucified skinned dogs. Then Jodorowsky says "no-one's watching this... let's make a t'n'a movie instead".

My Left Footloose- I'm not sure even I'm tasteless enough to carry that one off. But I'd definitely rent it!
 
  

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