I'm not sure about this, really. I see your point (that her attitude is unfortunate, and that you probably feel uncomfortable and unhappy about her discomfort?) but would you want to cause a family member discomfort, unless you thought it served a more important purpose (making her more comfortable with gayness, or challenging her boundaries... is she likely to feel more OK about male/male intimacy because of your teasing, or might she wall up and become defensive/antagonistic about it?)
The point isn't really whether I'd want to cause someone discomfort or whether crossing their stated boundaries were motivated by something "important". My point is: should a stated boundary automatically be respected to the extent that someone not respecting that boundary (and causing any degree of discomfort) is "nasty"? My contention is that no, I don't think that simply because someone says, "this is my boundary; don't cross it" their statement is necessarily reasonable or worthy of respect. If I felt uncomfortable with mention of interracial unions, for example, and asked my sister to avoid mentioning her non-Caucasian husband in my presence, would this request be inherently reasonable and worthy of respect? If my sister ignored it (and her jokes caused me discomfort?), would my subsequent discomfort make her a "nasty" person?
It is a fair argument that if a straight person makes it clear to a gay one (or perhaps to anyone who doesn't share their views) that they feel uncomfortable with male/male intimacy, they're making the second person feel uncomfortable in turn, and so perhaps deserve the same treatment. As I suggested in the previous para, I don't know this response is likely to sway their attitudes, but I can see how it would seem justified.
And I don't think it's incumbent upon the party requested to observe boundaries to cross those boundaries only for "important" reasons - and I don't think it's anyone's responsibility to 'sway attitudes'. I'm merely throwing out the possibility that some don't-cross-this-line-please boundaries are not reasonable, and not worthy of respect.
Challenging homophobia in a teasing way is one thing, though, but as I think I noted, I would get bored and/or uncomfortable with someone making sexual remarks all the time, whether that person was male or female, straight or gay. If they thought it was their remit to keep pushing my boundaries and crossing my lines, after I'd made it clear where those lines were, I wouldn't appreciate it. Maybe me explaining that I wasn't happy with constant sexual banter would constitute oppressing or trying to contain and repress them, in a way, but obviously if I were in that situation I'd be biased towards my own position.
Like I say, the other person's not necessarily in the business of attempting to change your opinion or nobly Do Good in any wider sense. The issue for me is whether your requested boundary is a reasonable one. In the example with my aunt, I wouldn't be attempting to change her mind by 'challenging homophobia' - or anything that impressive, really. I'd simply be choosing not to respect her boundary because I'd consider it an unreasonable request for her to make of me. |
