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Godawful adverts

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Our Lady Has Left the Building

06:33 / 29.10.06

My heart is filled with joy at the news that 'two ladies fighting' ad for French Connection has done nothing to slow their decline and fall. Hopefully soon someone will start setting fire to their stores at night as well.

Kirin? Who the heck?

21:50 / 30.10.06

The ones inciting people to teach always strike me as disingenuous. Just look at what the kids are wearing. Shirts. Ties. Blazers. When, in reality, there's every chance that the kids that people teaching will flagrantly disregard the uniform (if, indeed, there is one), swear at you, and sit at the back of the class texting their mates. Grr.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

22:01 / 30.10.06

There's an ad in one of the local shops, which isn't one of the worst ads, but certainly throws up more questions than it answers.

It says:

I'm eating more Choices Agege Bread than before! Are you?

Other than not actually knowing what Agege Bread is, "before" what? It always seems like it should be followed by "...the accident".

08:41 / 01.11.06

Specsavers ads go from shit to shiter. Having dropped the aggravating "Should have gone to Specsavers!" bollocks we now find our headbones being contaminated by the most pretentious piece of diseased flesh this side of a Christmas perfume advert.

Man wakes in swamp, woman in boat in swamp (wearing dark glasses forfucksake!). Man runs away from nothing at all, woman screams for man to run away from nothing at all. Man collapses into boat with woman and they wake up on a sun-soaked lake. Kissy-kissy. Buy our cocking glasses on a two-for-one deal.

Might I suggest that arty-wank-trash is more than a tad OTT for a fucking two-for-one offer?

That cereal that Ray Winston's hocking pisses me off too. Fuck off trying to get me to buy your crappy branflakes as a way of defying the nanny state. Fuck off and die in a fucking ditch...full of scorpians...and piss.

pointless & uncalled for

08:49 / 01.11.06

Adverts for crustless bread for kids. Ok the actual contruction of the ad isn't bad per se and I'm going a bit off thread here but can any ad that actually promotes such a product be condoneable?

Regular shouting at the TV ensues when this nonsense get's broadcast. I swear, if I catch any parent buying this shite I will beat them harshly with Jamie Oliver.

19:59 / 05.12.06

Lynx's latest abomination in their 'Spray More, Get More' campaign in which random EveryBloke stands on a beach coating himself in aerosol deodorant to the strains of cod-operatic rumbling while thousands of women run towards him, driven Bacchic with lust by his manly scent.

Unfortunately it stops just before they tear him limb from limb for buggering up the ozone layer.

And...and, it's just come on again, even as I type. That's got to be the sixth time this evening. Mind you, I am watching Champions League Tuesday on ITV4.

Mysterious Transfer Student

20:46 / 05.12.06

Not really a moan about an advert, more an invitation for sympathy for my anguish at buying a lovely grey and claret striped pullover from a Highly Modish high street store, laundering it for wearing the next day (and because I totally believed that episode of House where the guy was killed by toxins on a freshly-bought sweater, or something) and seeing Jamie Oliver modelling it in the new Sainsbury's advert the same evening. All that's left to me is to wear the accursed thing with wounded Mockney pride.

23:26 / 05.12.06

"COME ON!"

Fuck off!

Scrambled Password Bogus Email

23:34 / 05.12.06

Oh God. That fucking 'slogan'.

Ooh. Catchy.

And, in spite of its total wretchedness, you know it spent months in development, being 'green lighted' and 'developed' and 'creatively directed' by people on astronomical salaries.

"COME ON!"

Gaaaaah! FUCK OFF! Indeed.

uncle retrospective

07:57 / 06.12.06

That fucking Bud Light ad that uses the W.A.N.D by the Flaming Lips. Gurr!! Wayne, what the fuck were you thinking?
And "I need a new car" isn't going to cut it.

10:25 / 06.12.06

You could always try taking it back to the shop, FL, and explaining your dilemna - if nothing else, the reaction would be interesting. Alexander McQueen's apparently so mortified by Posh Spice's continued insistence on buying his clothes that he's banned her, and her assistants, from his stores in London and New York; it might be worth seeing if said Highly Modish retail outlet felt similarly about the naffness of Oliver.

10:43 / 06.12.06

you know it spent months in development, being 'green lighted' and 'developed' and 'creatively directed'

You are Dan Ashcroft and I claim my five pounds.

12:29 / 06.12.06

What the fuck is with the mobile phone advert with the guy who goes

"yeah! Yeah! YEAH!"?

I mean, really. What the fuck is that about?

I hate it when, every now and again, an advert appears which goes so drastically against any usual notion of sense, reason or even point that i am left bewildered and breathless, trying to grasp at some understanding of the situation; like a mountaineer scrabbling against an ice wall as she falls.

The big fucking ice wall of "WHO THE FUCK WOULD THINK IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO SPEND FUCKING THOUSANDS OF POUNDS ON THIS PIECE OF NONSENSICAL SHIT?!"

It may be better to just give up and slide to the bottom, but i can't help but feel there is some vast mystery hidden at the top.

Call me a traditionalist, but i just like there to be a reason for things.

Sim you la fucking crum bullshit.

Whisky Priestess

13:05 / 06.12.06

Are you talking about Phones 4 U, the principle of which seems to be that smooth-talking American motivational speaker guy is going round improving the lives of various inbred-looking oddballs by getting them a better deal on their mobile phones?

If so, I'm with you on the aargh.

Mysterious Transfer Student

13:51 / 06.12.06

The Phones 4 U campaign could probably stand some picking apart for piggybacking on the trend for depicting the regions of Britain farther away from major cities as being populated exclusively by near-inbred, ugly, unwashed parochial simpletons in dire need of being patronised by people more urban, sophisticated, literate and ironic than themselves - which is a long-winded way of saying that it's a blatant League of Gentlemen/Little Britain rip.

Alex's Father: A version of your plan did cross my mind, but I think the only dignified thing to do in the circumstances is to continue to wear the jumper, while at all times maintaining an attitude of "I'm not imitating a TV chef's dress sense, honest!" That'll work.

21:35 / 09.12.06

H Samuel

Yeahhhh, don't work on your intimacy issues, just buy her some expensive fucking tat!

Fuck off!

21:58 / 09.12.06

Just a general GRRRR! to all the fucking Christmas adverts. Especially if they're cellphone commercials.

miss wonderstarr

09:47 / 10.12.06

Don't know for sure if anyone has mentioned this, but really I'm referring to a whole genre epitomised by one current ad:

ADVERTS DUBBED BADLY FROM (I ASSUME FOR SOME REASON) GERMAN.

At the moment there's an ad for Gilette showing an impossibly white-teethed "dad", and his clean-cut son, approx five years younger.

"You showed him how to download musik, onto his phone?" says the (to my prejudiced mind) slightly Germanically-tinged voiceover.

Son indulgently presses some buttons on a laptop while dad furrows brow, then flashes white teeth in understanding.

"You showed him, how a Video you programmiert?" the voiceover might as well say, as I am sitting at home spitting "why couldn't you spend some fucking money on a new advert instead of dubbing this shit from German?"

Dad bends in puzzlement over a VCR, then flashes teeth and claps son on the shoulder.

"Now, this Weinnachten, why not give him, the grandest present of all?"

Dad opens his gift ~ it's a razor! Son is standing smugly in the background. Dad turns it over in his hands like he's never seen a razor before. (Surely this is the wrong way round? Don't dads, in advertland at least, teach their sons how to shave?) Next minute, he's drawing the blade down his smoothly-lathered face.

"WOW!" says a dubbed voice, as dad says something quite different.

What I hate about these adverts is that it's so obvious they're not British ~ the acting style, the sets, the outfits are of a cheesiness that simply wouldn't fly here ~ and that they cut the dialogue to a minimum so they can try to dub one or two words over the top. They're trying to kid us this hasn't been made on the cheap for an international market, then clumsily recut and revoiced for each country.

11:30 / 10.12.06

"Now, this Weinnachten, why not give him, the grandest present of all?"

lol, Fräulein Wonderstarr.

Some of the dubbing is fantastically shit. The worst is on var. cartoon channels, because kids demand less from their adverts, apparently. There's one, for Zapf! Creations which goes

VAGUELY FRENCH LOOKING KIDS: *moves mouth in a big "O" shape"

ONE YEAR AND BAD VOICEOVER LATER: Wowww!!

Pure toss.

Apparently, "I did a media course, so know that these ads are filmed once, with a white(ish) middle class (ish) family, that could live anywhere, (just an internal household shot, a back garden) and then are dubbed into swedish, russian, angolan, whatever, to save cost.The facial expression, and product placement is the language, the lips move to basic non descript words, to make over dudding reasonably, supposably, un noticable. Their cheap intelligence insulting ads, done on the cheap, for a mass "western" audience, of many languages."

The idea that these things are filmed in Simlish is both wonderful and creepy as fuck.

New Uggghhhvert of the day! "SCOTT, SCOTT, HOW DO I WIPE MY ARSE?"

All Acting Regiment

12:01 / 10.12.06

The one where the dad goes and gets a Christmas wish and climbs on the moon and in the end it's a Scalextrixix or whatever. There seems to be no mother- which, while it would be nice to think they're trying to promote alternative families, is probably just an oversight.

22:30 / 10.12.06

I found it funny seeing the same ads in the UK as in Canada, but dubbed with British accents (or vice versa)...

jentacular dreams

09:59 / 12.12.06

That blimmin' boots advert. I expected the sexualisation of christmas to occur sooner or later, but I didn't expect it to be boots who did it! Especially the final 'money shot' of a dominatrix fisting a turkey.

I feel so violated....

Jawsus-son Starship

12:07 / 12.12.06

How about the fucking bond M&S advert? With Dame Shirley Bassie screaching "I'm coming up, so you better get this party started!" I didn't think people over 60 did drugs.

And I don't like whatserface Jagger either. She needs to run a comb through her hair.

And the Ice Castle isn't even from a ner half way decent bond film. If we're gonna make references, lets make them to good films. Noones referencing weekend at bernies, are they?

Actually, people are.

15:49 / 17.12.06

While browsing Myspace a few minutes ago I was accosted by a banner ad for Flirtomatic.com

Featuring a humanoid squirrel in a black bikini.

NOT!

ALLOWED!

19:13 / 17.12.06

Mathlete, the simple truth is that the M&S advert is a better Bond theme than the bland pap gracing the current Bond film.

20:53 / 17.12.06

I didn't think people over 60 did drugs.

Uh, people over sixty do LOTS of drugs.

14:53 / 18.12.06

The department of work and pension's "NO IFS, NO BUTS!" campaign is awfully tiresome and another instance of the goverment's insidious ads based on the traditions of panopticon surveillance.

For those who haven't seen it there's a few in the series, for example one with a woman loading some shopping into her car saying to her friend/camera POV, that if she says she's living on her own but pocketing a bit more money, that doesn't make her a benefit fraud.

Cut to the same woman in a police interview room with a couple of unamused looking coppers who turn off a tape with "evidence" supposedly the conversation we'd just seen. She gamely tries to answer: "if I...", "but no..." and she can't answer with these paltry excuses because it's the mighty NO IFS NO BUTS campaign you see. They are clever people at the DWP.

What I really would like to know is: how the police got the tape of her saying this though. She was having a chat with someone and agreeing he could stay at her house... why on earth would he shop her? Some friend.

lord nuneaton savage

15:20 / 18.12.06

Much as I despise all M&S adverts, I've become obsessed with the low level guitar wank that accompanies the food-porn ones (y'know, the "this is not..." ones).

I imagine the guitarist in the studio, his Patrick Eggle custom non-rock plugged in to the cleanest, most souless amp it's possible to buy, gazing at the images of clotted cream being spewed, vom-like, over a succession of glossy foodstuffs, and PLAYING FROM HIS VERY SOUL. Complete with loads of chinny grimacing and olympian brow furrowing.

His name is Mike. He used to be in a band called From The Hip, who supported David Coverdale once. He is crying through his axe and his tears are made of gravy. Pity him.

19:17 / 19.12.06

I didn't think people over 60 did drugs.

I think you'll find they have to, to stay alive.

04:53 / 20.12.06

How do the blue ones taste, Ganesh?

06:10 / 20.12.06

I'm so upset by all the festive ads for gents electric razors this year that I'm inclined to ask the relatives for 'a buzzer' off each of them, as many as I can get hold of, and then go out in a flash of blue, sparking glory in the bathtub during the Queen's speech.

I could conceivably get a family member to film this on their new mobile camera phone, and have it on 'You Tube' in time for first thing on Boxing Day.

That would show them, Boots, Remingtons, Baileys, Gordons, the lot of them ...

06:22 / 20.12.06

How do the blue ones taste, Ganesh?

Like turducken.

Whisky Priestess

08:12 / 20.12.06

German duck turds?

10:46 / 20.12.06

Of course electric razors also DON'T FUCKING WORK.

10:52 / 20.12.06

German duck turds?

That's what I said.

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