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Godawful adverts

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Whisky Priestess

22:04 / 16.04.04

OK, for starters:

1) Those FUCKING Anna Friel Three phone adverts. So bad they made them THREE TIMES. Every time it comes on I have to shout SHUT UP ANNA FRIEL!! and mute the TV. It's like a ritual. One came on the other day and I couldn't find the remote to silence her terrible inane wittering and I was like a junkie who's just lost her crack.

It actually made my skin crawl to have to listen to all that crap she spouts in her Comprehensible Northernish accent about being a frog or whatever the fuck it is, I'm not listening, la la la.

To summarise:

Ad 1, condensed: If you don't have a video phone you are a frog amongst princes. Perhaps Anna Friel will suck you off if you get one? Anna appears naked in, variously, bath, waterfall and mud.

Ad 2: When you buy shoes and CDs they are a one-off payment and you don't have to cough up wads of cash every time you use them. Buy a pay-as-you-go mobile. No, wait, no, don't do that!! Buy a Three video-fucking-mobile so that you can download a looping clip of Anna Friel's Brookside lesbian kiss and jack off by the light of your phone during dull adverts. Or something.

Ad 3: Crazy Anna Friel, sent mad by the fucking awful scripts of the Three adverts, has wriggled free of her restraints and wandered into a posh restaurant, where she tries to get breadsticks to talk to glasses of wine and condiments, etc. The diners attempt to ignore her, more in sorrow than in anger. Message: Buy Three video-mobile and talk to the canapes. Anna does.

WHO are they trying to sell to? Frogs? Shoes? Breadsticks? Can it be that the ENTIRE male population is so decorticated by the sight of Anna Friel that it will immediately buy anything associated with her? Sweet God no ...

Well, that felt good. I think I'll have a cup of coffee and then do what lions do to gazelles on those INSULTINGLY bad Cancer Research text ads. They make my brown eyes red, I tell ya.

Anyone else fancy a vent? I'm sure there's another bad-ad thread somewhere but I can't find the search function on the new design, sorry.

22:09 / 16.04.04

I hate the advert with the fat bird and the car and the keys in a bowl...so sizeist.(is that a word?)

I hate/hated wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh body form body form for you......

why have adverts for sanitary wear? Whats the point? All women at some point will use a tampon or towel but I can't beleive someone would see an advert for them and think ' hey let me go and try these'

22:11 / 16.04.04

I pay good fucking money for my digital cable, and as far as I'm concerned, I'm paying for the comercials too. And this little McDonald's "I'm Lovin' It" campaign is a wretched waste of my money. Obnoxious, prissy rhyming chanting about how wonderful McDonalds food is, and how truly excited one is to have it, now that the nuggets are all white meat, as opposed to white meat, dark meat and cartiledge. The crappy rhyme structure and miserable voice acting makes me want to bite through my own tongue to spit blood at the transgressors. Bastards.

22:20 / 16.04.04

God yeah, fucking Anna Friel. Some sort of inconsequential-yet-patronising bollocks about shoes-per-minute - and I think "failed actress... who gives a shit what you think, even if it made any kind of logical sense, which it doesn't".

She really missed her window of opportunity, didn't she?

22:26 / 16.04.04

What window was that then?

round, square?

22:31 / 16.04.04

Any sanitry advert where they use blue liquid as a subsitute for the red lumps of reality. Thus setting up niave men who had to go play football while that particular lesson was being taught.

i hate em

linda fucking barker, if she endorsed oxygen i would steadfastly avoid it

Whisky Priestess

22:50 / 16.04.04

WRT those bloody Cancer Research All Clear ads, an interesting link:

http://www.breastcancercare.org.uk/Chat/Forums/Coffeeroom/560030

I've just spent about half an hour trying to find out which advertising company they wasted research money on to produce their tube-based noxious schmaltz, but no one will admit to it! Anyone got any ideas? I'll quote the texts of the ads in question as soon as I can find them.

23:04 / 16.04.04

Debenhams Blue-Cross Sale with chick kungfuing guy at door.

WOulD iT be accePtable If it Were a Mann dishinG out the fIsts and generally being a Bit tasty to a wimmin???

23:20 / 16.04.04

What window was that then?

Oh, y'know. She quit Brookside on a high, and everyone wondered what she'd do next. Shitty 'phone adverts, where she gets muddy and makes like a frog. Niiice.

I can't stand that one for some sort of taco sauce, where The Most Annoying Woman In The Whole Of Christendom And Beyond is on the 'phone to her chum (or, given her general unloveliness, possible the Speaking Clock) while her long-suffering man is making the evening meal. She burbles on in a punchably-sarcastic vein about 'talk to you tomorrow - if I'm still alive', while you wonder a) why he doesn't make a taco out of her adrenals, and b) whether men will ever be portrayed, in adverts, as anything other than crass simpletons.

23:25 / 16.04.04

Anne Friel, she say in one advert (paraphrasing due too bad memory) "evolution, how does that work? one minute your a frog the next, a newt, a monkey, a man,"

how on earth did she not have serious objections to being seen missing the fucking point entirly?

23:26 / 16.04.04

That taco ad annoys nearly as much as the "Winner Ice Cream Taco Bar" one from a coupla years back, where the dude mutates into a bear.

Charmin ads. and toilet air freshener/kid holding his nose. I'm the adult in my home, I buy these products. Much as I'm down with my and everyone else's need to crap, I do not need a graphic reminder of what these products are for.

When I say 'buy these products', I obviously mean I buy analogous products. Any ad that tees me off will ensure that I will never buy the product. I'm running out of stuff to buy.

23:27 / 16.04.04

zoom zoom zoom

Whisky Priestess

23:43 / 16.04.04

zoom CRASSSSHHHHH AAAARGH!!!!!!!!!! more like.

hee hee

00:02 / 17.04.04

I'm really glad i don't watch hardly any tv anymore.

Anyway, when i do, i make a point of turning the sound off and not looking when the adverts are on.

Adverts are sigilised, conditioning, sad, sad, sad things that make me ashamed to be human, what the hell is it with our way of life? I can't understand why we have to put up with this type of nonsense. There should be an option on the tv to turn the adverts on and off.

Saying that though, can any of you remember that Carling advert that looked like it had finished but then went into the next advert, and then the next one?

(about 10-12 years ago i think)

00:03 / 17.04.04

Adverts for polyfukckingphonic ring tones.

'Just dial eight triple-three fortay!!!'

They seem to follow the school of advertising which believes customers can be irritated into submission; a principle championed by the agencies who masterminded campaigns for Radion and Sainsbury's. Before the work dried up.

I was in Amsterdam last week and had the misfortune to come across the same ads in Dutch.
The horror.

00:41 / 17.04.04

Anna appears naked in, variously, bath, waterfall and mud.

works for me. 'specially the mud.
ooft.

Can it be that the ENTIRE male population is so decorticated by the sight of Anna Friel that it will immediately buy anything associated with her?

it was supposed to make me buy something? what?
are you sure?

well i never.

how on earth did she not have serious objections to being seen missing the fucking point entirly?

*you* dont seem to...
there was mud, dude.

mud!

01:00 / 17.04.04

Smoothly: to be fair, though, God clear hates that stupid polyphonic ring tone woman's stupid arse and so has given her a voice that, while it may seem like it is rapidly cycling through about nine different accents, every one of them a bit stupid-sounding, it is in fact fluctuating at exactly the right frequency to sound like 'Run away. I will piss on your chips when you are not looking' to yr subconcious.

Now she has to live out her miserable shit-sack existence, listening to her own annoying voice sell annoying things annoyingly, and being unfortunately aware that she must run away, lest she pisses on her own chips.

Goodness Gracious Meme

01:17 / 17.04.04

WP is officially my new barbe-crush for starting this. and starting it with those fucking AF ads. she's made my critique obsolete, which is fine. so just regard hers as having double the vitriol behind it.

Fuck off, you talentless, wooden, identikit, so what-ever, missed-the-last-zeitgeist-boat-from-Dunkirk-hopeless-case-barbie-doll-amoeba crossbreed

oh, er, sorry, coulnd't resist.

see also: all ads for nappy/pants hybrids, featuring disgusting stage-school trained embryos proudly waving their arses and declaiming some 'wow, i'm such a big boy now' bollocks.

yuck. fuck off.

01:34 / 17.04.04

That's true. Talking babies: just asking to be impaled on railings...

01:56 / 17.04.04

i prefer my talking baby shaken, not speared.

01:56 / 17.04.04

I find that a good spearing generally shakes 'em up too.

02:19 / 17.04.04

well, spare the railing and spoil the child, i suppose.
babies would be much more portable were they on skewers, now i think about it.
perhaps on a skewer with with a a string attached.

Goodness Gracious Meme

02:24 / 17.04.04

I prefer mine skewered, I think.

Chargrilled with a good quality satay sauce, served with lemon slices naturellement.

02:54 / 17.04.04

I just did a quick search as I had no idea who Anna Friel was... wow. There's someone out there with 18 PAGES of pictures of her on their website, including stills from the ad...

06:12 / 17.04.04

For more advert-hating go here.

Scrambled Password Bogus Email

08:09 / 17.04.04

Whisky, you just became my Prophet and Peoples Poet.

Fucking Anna fucking Friel and her fucking 'quirky' monologues.

FUCK OFF!

whoever wanted to know about Cancer Research agencies its WAV Rapp Collins and Saatchis who have those campaigns

08:34 / 17.04.04

Another point about the Anna Friel adverts (and there's still more to go!) is that "I can laugh... I can cry..." bit which is, as I think about it, making my stomach spasm with fury. What, like before we had videophones it was impossible to do these things while on the telephone? To think about this a little more deeply - "I can cry"? Well, yes, but it's probably one of the less fun things you can do in the course of a phone call...

Other adverts -that one for Lenor. "Little Miss Muffet..." and so on, all rhyming for what seems like hours. And it's so contrived, every other line is just stuck in there because it rhymes with the last one, and WHY ARE SPIDERS USING FABRIC CONDITIONER OR WHATEVER IT IS ANYWAY I DON'T THINK THEY ARE EVEN WEARING LITTLE CLOTHES WHICH WOULD AT LEAST MAKE SOME KIND OF INTERNAL SENSE

sobs

miss wonderstarr

08:35 / 17.04.04

Cheer up, adverts are great.

Who has seen that well wicked advert with the black family in a Pizza Hut.

The son, aged maybe 13 and trying to be cool in public, is made to try on a shirt his mum's just bought for him. It turns out to be an orangey-red one, the same colour as the Pizza Hut servers' uniforms!

Next: a gang of slightly older teens behind him turn to him and start asking, as if he was a waiter, "oi, mate, can we ave some a dose --"

then break off as they realise he's just a kid in a corporate-looking shirt, and the screen turns to a riot of pointing fingers and covered-faces as they all chorus " -- ah, shame man!"

The performances and script here are so fucking "real" (true to life down Surrey Quays Pizza Hut, anyway) I wish this advert was on all the time. I have only seen it once.

miss wonderstarr

08:37 / 17.04.04

Yeah that Miss Muffet one is well real, too. I like the way it goes "part of yer problem's yer vest!" to rhyme with "scratching her arms and chest."

This is funny in a way because they have twice avoided any suggestive or sexy words (chest when really it's bust, vest when it's a camisole) but unfortunately the ad then loses all rational logic when the chick washes her jumper but keeps the "vest" on. If the vest was the problem, how come washing the jumper solves it?

Maybe it's because the vest was only (a small) part of the problem. The jumper could have been the real issue?

08:50 / 17.04.04

http://www.markmcm2002.verysmooth.co.uk/ads_g-l2.html

ok so I can't do this properley but check out the link above for some fantastic ads over the years.

09:53 / 17.04.04

If the vest was the problem, how come washing the jumper solves it?

I hadn't thought of that, actually, and the fact that you've pointed it out means that I'm now going to stalk out of the room even more pointedly than usual when that ad comes on.

Oh, and the one with the precocious kids talking about their cars. I think I should stop now (both whinging about adverts, and watching television)

10:28 / 17.04.04

I never realized that was anna friel in those ads - I never really knew who she was anyways... I hate those commercials too but I would like to go swimming in such a serene looking pond. Also that one is at least an improvement on those Orange ads from last year where they had the woman who wanted to ban beards or whatever her problem was.

I absolutely HAAAATE those "Levi's Anti-Fit" commericals where they have all these Brooklyn-ites (and nothing against Brooklyn-ites now, just describing the advert) either being obnoxious to bouncers for no reason or talking to each other and saying, "Yeah like my jeans they don't fit but it looks good, raaiight?" AAARGHH!!!

No star here laces

10:32 / 17.04.04

I'm going to share in great detail a singaporean ad that causes me pain.

Hugo Boss

Chris Martin-a-like sitting in a moving vehicle, open to the sky, "larking around" with hot girl

"Messing around in a convertible, that's not my style"

Cut back to reveal they are sitting on an open-top bus surrounded by their cool mates

Chris' face illuminated by flashbulb glow

"Fancy photoshoots? Naaahhhh..."

Pull back to reveal they are in a photo-me booth

Chris in front of mirror

"Spending hours getting ready?" (laughs)

he ruffles his hair and pulls on a shirt, turns to camera and written on his palm in marker pen are the words:

"Your fragrance, your rules"

Cut to pack shot.

Arrrgh

10:33 / 17.04.04

Oh yeah, 'Nesh - I almost posted about that taco ad but I hadn't seen it in so long I thought maybe they'd taken it off due to the high annoyance levels it causes. It's the way she says mockingly "Did you hear that? Aaaromatic spices ( ha ha ha... )" in that tee hee aren't men daft surely they can't find their way around the kitchen way that really gets me. Not to mention the quasi-abusiveness of it. Aaargh!!

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

10:39 / 17.04.04

I don't watch TV anymore (but then, I never realised Anna Friel appeared in mud quite so regularly) but the one that used to really fuck me off was some washing powder one. The mum sends her kid out to buy washing powder, and he comes back with the wrong kind. So she pulls out a box of the right kind and tells him how good it is. If you've already got some, why the fuck are you sending your fucking child out to buy some, you slave-driving bint?

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