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Godawful adverts

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15:39 / 17.06.06

Oh god yes. I'm surprised no one else had mentioned it yet. I've been thinking about dissecting the song in the bad lyrics thread...

Does anyone else feel that that kid's face looks a bit like a male Grace (formerly of BB)? It's the same stupid smug big bottom-lipped grin. And eyes. And nose. Regardless of his other crimes in this advert, such an unfortunate coincidence is probably going to make you subconsciously hate him anyway.

23:33 / 17.06.06

The "proof"...

Mysterious Transfer Student

00:02 / 18.06.06

[Fat Lee rides his hobby-horse into town and sets out his stall...]

Come join me now in ripping into swiftcover.com, the Tom Cruise of loathsomely smug online insurance provider adverts.

A Home Counties arsehat is on the phone, growing increasingly frustrated as the call centre he's speaking to repeatedly puts him on hold and bounces him from department to department. But they're not just any call centre workers - they're hilarious CGI chickens who send him into a tizzy with their inefficient squawking! Thank God he can put down the phone and sort out the insurance on his Toyota cocking RAV 4 online, consigning thousands of underpaid, poorly resourced and already quite adequately dehumanised corporate drones to oblivion with a mouse-stroke!

I think I'm being quite reserved in describing just how evil this advert is. The implied hatred for people who, in my experience, are just trying to help fairly radiates from the screen. It made my jaw hit the floor when I first saw it and continues to do so. Best of all, and admittedly this last bit is self-inflicted, they sponsor the Formula One coverage which my girlfriend never misses... so I have even less chance of evading their greasy little "idents".

00:46 / 18.06.06

"just stuffing the chicken"

oh cluck off, you twatmeister!

01:01 / 18.06.06

Does anyone else feel that that kid's face looks a bit like a male Grace (formerly of BB)?

It's gonna be Grrrace! It's gonna be Grrrace!! It's gonna beee Grrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccceee!!!!

Fuck off!

Jawsus-son Starship

12:33 / 18.06.06

Worst adverts on TV? Any advert about dancing bears. And they're always on MTV, as if the teenagers who watch it can muster the emotions needed to respond to the sight of a white bear driven mad by chains.

15:02 / 18.06.06

The poor child. Not only is he in the worst advert of 2006, but he is also compared Grrrace and on top of that, he doesn't even get to hear his own voice in the ad. That's clearly the voice of a twenty-something replacing his, isn't it?

All Acting Regiment

15:23 / 18.06.06

No. Don't be an apologist, now.

16:29 / 18.06.06

The kid's in bother, no doubt.

And while I don't suppose it's all that good if you're the child's mother, or related, he does, let's face it, deserve whatever's coming to him.

There are only so many excuses you can make for these people, after all.

Regrettable Juvenilia

21:03 / 18.06.06

The implied hatred for people who, in my experience, are just trying to help fairly radiates from the screen.

You think that's bad, how about the not-really-bothering-to-hide-the-racism "my bank's call centre is now in INDIA!" Natwest ads? Imagine, the indignity of having to speak to a fuzzy-wuzzy when you want to check your balance! GRRRRARRRGGGHHHH.

All Acting Regiment

21:28 / 18.06.06

Fly's on the money as usual. I for one like hearing people from other countries, they're interesting and different in some respects.

Tryphena Absent

21:40 / 18.06.06

I really hate that line too but it is a bit absurd to reallocate banking advice/complaints to another country. Listening to someone at work ask a person in a call centre in another country to send them a new debit card was appalling. They couldn't get a handle on the branch that was being suggested, there was no conception of how large London is, no exchange of information between branches and the call centre. If the bank has already failed to send a card that you need once and the person on the phone can't grasp what you're saying- not because of a language barrier but for other reasons- then there's no joy in speaking to a person from another country. You want to spend five minutes on the phone, not twenty explaining the location of the branch.

Mysterious Transfer Student

21:54 / 18.06.06

Imagine, the indignity of having to speak to a fuzzy-wuzzy when you want to check your balance! GRRRRARRRGGGHHHH.

That of course is the real and nasty underside of this phenomenon.

Just a few weeks ago I approached a colleague for advice on a call, only to have her hang up the call she had been making (for train tickets) and say "If I have to speak to another Paki-fucking-stani I'm going to scream!" This, I hardly need add, within generous earshot of the two people of south Asian descent on our section.

(Moderators, please edit the foregoing for references to racial epithets as appropriate.)

22:51 / 18.06.06

Suggest to your colleague that she hand-writes a letter to the head office. The immune system of corporations can't deal with them anymore and go into overdrive to deal with the alien objects, usually to your advantage.
Never phone an 0870 number unless you have tried writing longhand first.

02:08 / 23.06.06

The Bistro advert for that processed pizza thing.

Young couple sitting on a balcony eating them and drinking red wine out of tumblers, then kicking out the mustacheoed accordion player who wheezes into the scene.

Him: I don't think we need him. Bistro is French enough for me!
Her: *pisses herself* inexplicably.

Now, that's clearly a bit racist, because "Bistros" are about as French as ledehosen, and if *that's* French enough for him, then he must really hate the French.

Thinking about it, maybe that's why she laughs, and it's actually very post-modern and self-deprecating.

03:06 / 23.06.06

The BT Broadband guy.

First of all, he he has to get them on-line, the rotten, little parasites, and be belittled by them, as they swarmed over his flat, and, crucially, even his lady was laughing at him, sphinx-like, as if he was some sort of pathetic loser, who had no idea what life was really about.

And now he has to buy them a house for fuck's sake ...

Go 'full on', strange, sad man - kill everything that moves

16:23 / 24.06.06

That shredded wheat ad with that awful awful girl and "Sarah's mum eats these, Sarah's mum is really cool etc etc". What was going through the director's head when he came up with that concept?

21:47 / 24.06.06

Sarah's mum told the director that the concept was really cool.

Our Lady Has Left the Building

13:01 / 27.06.06

"My banter? All part of the service!" Dude, they're really wishing you'd fuck the shut up and take the picture. They've got stuff to do with their lives. You patently haven't, hence this job.

"My job? Twenty-four hours. My bank? Strictly office hours." Boo bloody hoo, so you can't phone them up and whinge at 3:30 am when you've got insomnia. If you wanted to speak to them outside office hours they'd then have to finance that by putting your charges up, so then you'd only whine more about that.

The recent crop of bank adverts (including the 'brand new customers only!') irritate me, mainly because I'm fairly sure all the faults they list about their competetors are either made-up or they are equally guilty of doing as well.

18:08 / 27.06.06

I'm with Anna on the foreign call centre thing, largely because of my brother-in-law's experience trying to get a guy at one of these call centres to put him through to his branch. The guy kept telling him there was no need, he could do anything that was required, it didn't matter that he was halfway across the world, he could do anything through the medium of computers, etc, until the point when my b-i-l lost his cool and just asked:

'So, you can do anything I need, is that right?'
'Yes!'
'Okay. Can you go downstairs, look at the contract, and check something out for me?'

Though, t'be fair, that could have happened if the call centre was in Guildford or Gujarat, but it does show the problem with outsourcing to call centres in general.

Tryphena Absent

22:30 / 27.06.06

The Dove ads. The campaign for real beauty dove ads. Look, these women are all perfectly in proportion because you know all women are. Look at their perfect skin, not a bump, lump, skin condition in site. Because Dove cures eczema and psoriasis and makes your skin all one colour, no variation at all except for some nice, perfectly shaped freckles. FUCK YOU DOVE. FUCK YOU!

Real beauty? REAL BEAUTY? BULLSHIT.

00:18 / 28.06.06

In general: all ads for formula for toddlers. It's just a sneaky way to get around the bans on advertising for baby formula.

In particular: (Australia only) we saw an ad the other night for formula for toddlers that featured a (young, pretty) paediatrician that works at the same hospital my girlfriend does (she's a midwife) - my god, those paediatricians are so deep in the formula companies' pockets. It makes me sick.

20:52 / 30.06.06

The new Rowntrees Fruit Pastilles ad.

The 'young boys playing middle-aged hard men' routine is never good, and, speaking as a grandparent, I'd like to smash the little bastard's face in

Jake, Colossus of Clout

20:56 / 30.06.06

This is a regional thing, but all New Englanders should know of what I speak:

Those fucking Foxwoods ads with the tenth-rate Rat Pack wannabe. I'd like to watch the Red Sox game without having to see that shitheel for once.

Tryphena Absent

21:51 / 30.06.06

The Dove ads on the tube are PHOTOSHOPPED. AAAAARRRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH DIE DIE.

07:51 / 05.07.06

That ad with the mayfly, I don't even remember what it's for:

'The humble mayfly lives for only one day, but does that make him miserable? No!'

Of course no, you imbecile, because the mayfly lacks the cognitive capacity to conceive even the idea of misery, or indeed any emotion at all. Now take this useless analogy back to the factory and don't come back and try and sell me your crap until you have a better one, possibly involving an aggressive panda.

Incidentally, aside from being totally punchable, that kid in the Fruit Pastille ad is talking ARSE. It is possible to eat a Rowntrees Fruit Pastille without chewing, all you need to do is alternate between sucking, licking and crushing it against the roof of your mouth with your tongue until it's small enough to swallow. It takes ten minutes, but it can be done, and I know because I've done it. In your face, Fruit Pastille Ad kid! IN! YOUR! FACE!

All Acting Regiment

08:09 / 05.07.06

I've always spoken up for microwaving fruit pastilles. And jelly babies, sofmints...you can make a kind of jam that way.

ONLY NICE THINGS

08:20 / 05.07.06

But...but... tiny mayfly romance!

08:45 / 05.07.06

And the Pot Noodle ads too. 'Isn't it?' Yes, they all talk like that in Wales don't they? And they're all miners too. Oh no wait, I see, you were being ironic, of course!

Excuse me while I go and round up a posse of Welsh nationalists to 'ironically' firebomb your manhattan-style studio apartment, you smug London twat.

Isn't it?

Whisky Priestess

10:48 / 05.07.06

I believe it's a reference to the fact that the Pot Noodle factories are pretty much all in Wales these days, and that a lot of their current employees (some of whom feature in the ad) are ex-miners.

12:28 / 05.07.06

yeah, those Dove ads are evil. they're running that campaign in Thailand too, except they're using Thai models - who look no different to the Thai models selling everything else.

The Centrelink ads (department of social security, australia, for everyone else) they're running at the moment, where everyone's so happy to be going back to work part time even though they're on disability payments are fucking eeeevil. not because people on disability shouldn't want to work - most of them do, if they can - but because the Howard government's trying to push them off welfare. fuckers.

13:06 / 05.07.06

Excuse me while I go and round up a posse of Welsh nationalists to 'ironically' firebomb your manhattan-style studio apartment, you smug London twat.

Yeah, cos all Londoners are smug twats who live in loft… oh nevermind.

14:51 / 05.07.06

Ad Agency ‘Mother Ltd’, who gave us the Pot Noodle Miners, also gave us the Egg Credit Card Animal Testing Laboratory. Cute to some, surely, but shivverrrs. Ho. Guinea Pigs. Ha.

20:20 / 05.07.06

Not all Londoners, just all advertising people.

Before you call prejudice on me, remember: these are the people who commission reports from psychologists which tell them the best way to get children to badger their parents into buying them fucking Bratz dolls. Fuck those people. Fuck them into Ipswich.

21:43 / 05.07.06

I don't know if they're still on or not, but that Road Tax ad. Where the guys gets in his car and drives home, all the while being watched over his shoulder by this big fucking monolith-black slab of a computer that follows him everywhere, with the meanicing music and the sense of creeping dread.

"You can't escape the computer" or some other very similar wank.

I find that advert reprehensible.

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