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Godawful adverts

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13:48 / 27.07.06

That dodge ad for the car, where all the cute animals are saying how terrified they are by some piece-of-shit vehicle and the company-men are high-fiving and like 'yeah, we made animals cry!' Such wank.

I do know what you mean, but it occurs to me that ad is possibly a great piece of work, in it's way. If the intention was to make the target audience for the product look as ridiculous as possible ('Yeah, I drive a ca' that fightens a series of deeply crap puppets - respect I think is due!') then they seem to have done a pretty good job. Certainly, if I owned a Dodge whatever-it-is I'd be thinking seriously about getting rid of it at this point, for fear of the laughter as I drove to the office.

15:35 / 27.07.06

Oh, dear, Samsung. Who reckoned the horror-film dancing unborn child was a good idea? I'm wincing at the thought of it. Which is a shame because the thing it's advertising looks damned nifty.

13:47 / 28.07.06

Bipolar, manipulative NCDL adverts.

This is Jack. Jack was a happy dog *cue blue lens filter* until his owner pushed him out of a plane at 50,000ft

Jawsus-son Starship

17:27 / 28.07.06

What's the one where the fella has got the door handle. Ford. The ford ad where the fella has a magic door han dle that allows him to open worm holes around the world and be generally cool (in an a-typical converse way), who trades that little marvel of teleportation technology for a fucking ford?! Suspension of disbelief at ford must be mighty, because I can't believe any one would exchange a lump of bread for a ford, let alone a miracle.

20:11 / 30.07.06

Disclaimers. Oh, how I hate them. The new Motorola ad has a Pebble phone skipping over the oceans for no clear reason accompanied by the line "Fictionalisation. phone is not water-resistant."
Fictionalistaion? Ok, someone call Alan Moore, because here's one story that just isn't true. Oh, and the word is "fiction", possibly even "lie". What the disclaimer really means is "this is a lie". I'm not sure which problem here is worse: a) it's an advert, of course it's a lie, why bother with a disclaimer - you can't skip a phone around the world; or b) the cacky conceit of throwing your phone around the world.
Either way, I'm never buying a Motorola. Mind you, I wouldn't have anyway after years of that grating "Hello Moto" balls.

21:53 / 30.07.06

I saw what seems to be a reasonably low budget ad for Domestos* earlier today.

It follows the usual Domestos kills germs and makes things clean and sparkly formula apart from cutting to curious grey forms that look not unlike stills of an atomic explosion. The ad portrays them as a city of germs or a microscopic view of germs I know not what. The voice over is something along the lines of "Once there was germs, thousands...and then Domestos killed them all. The End." The aforementioned similarity between the germ cities and stills of an atomic explosion coupled with the clipped matter of fact "then Domestos killed them all" makes for one of the most unsettling advertisements I've seen in quite a while.

*At least I think it was Domestos. Has anyone else seen this? If so put my odd possibly idiosyncratic viewing to rights and assuage my fear and discomfort.

21:56 / 30.07.06

Is that part of the series with the gangster germs (possibly inspired by someone watching too many episodes of Fish Police and Osmosis Jones) lamenting about "how der gonna wipe us out. Wipe us all out" or some such?

Yes. Unsettling indeed.

22:06 / 30.07.06

No, not that one, although, yes I agree very much so. It seems to be a relatively new ad as I've only seen it once. The grey explosion like things are far from the cgi wonder of Domestos' fight against e-coli and seems to be a part of a different series. The whole thing made my skin literally crawl with horror and it could very easily be for another cleaning product (only my hazy post-discomfiture recollection tagging on the Domestos brand). If I ever see the fucking thing again I'll post back to confirm. Ack.

23:43 / 30.07.06

That ad on the top of the, I think tellingly, right of the corner of the Barbelith screen (It's not on the left, is it? No, it isn't,) seems to suggest a certain agenda.

09:56 / 04.08.06

The ringtones advert I saw the other day for movie-themed ringtones, for this 'whither-the-human-race' moment, during the list of available tunes:

*plays Town Called Malice*

Voiceover: The Billy Elliot song!

Wha? WHA? I mean, I love the use of Town Called Malice in Billy Elliot, it's a great piece of editing and a perfect showcase for Jamie Bell's dance style etc, but still I ask - WHA?

There's no excuse for such willful miseducation of the young. Not even the mental image of Grumpy Uncle Paul choking on his cornflakes the first time he saw it.

21:13 / 07.08.06

I was at the cinema tonight, and DFS - you know, they make fucking couches - well, DFS have made an advert which is essentially a rip-off of Bob Dylan's Subterranean Homesick Blues. Only not about the strange world of the sixties counterculture and the paranoia that the Man is about to descend, but about sofas. Couches. You know, things you sit on and watch TV on while eating cornflakes.

This, I feel, represents a new low.

22:05 / 07.08.06

Don't need a weatherman to know how bad that ad blows.

Whisky Priestess

10:03 / 10.08.06

Skechers

Apparently scheduled to be shown in every single Big Brother ad break from now until the end of the world (or series, whichever comes first, these are the end days after all), this dreadful, cheap, lame parody of reality-show drama is just beyond pathetic.

I can only assume it was made by some American agency and imported lock, stock and shitty acting over here in the mistaken belief that it was a witty comment on programmes like Big Brother, rather than a big puddle of wank that actively makes people loathe the product it's trying to shift.

"Who would do this to my Skechers?" asks Yank hunk Brad, holding up a pair of shoes that seems to have nothing wrong with them apart from being crap, poorly-designed trainers made in a Korean sweatshop.

Cut to the beach, where Yank hunk 2 and Yank chick are snogging, Skechers prominently in foreground. Sea comes in and washes them away.
"Oh no!" shrieks Dixie. "Your Skechers!"
"Ha ha ha!" laughs Chad (he actually says "ha ha ha") "They're not mine!"

Cut to Yank Hunk 3 in the living room, furrows of sorrow creasing his monobrow.
"Somebody stole my Skechers!" moans Tad, practically on the point of suicide.

Fuck you, Yank hunks, if somebody stole your sodding sneakers you should fall to your knees and THANK THEM. At least that way you'll never have to horn the word Skechers into every fucking sentence again. It's like Tourette's product placement:

"Please SKECHERS! can I have a cup of SKECHERS! tea and a SKECHERS! jammy doughnut? Thanks. SKECHERS!"

11:39 / 10.08.06

WP, I too am feeling the Skechers pain.

12:07 / 10.08.06

Yeah I totally Skechers that Skechvert. Whoever Skeched it should go Skech off a Skeching Skech.

Regrettable Juvenilia

22:37 / 22.08.06

The Cereal You Eat Every Morning.

The Actor You'll Never Enjoy Again.

All Acting Regiment

09:45 / 23.08.06

I don't like any adverts with germs in them. It's either "This yoghurt contains good germs"- what what, single celled organisms have a concept of good and evil now?- or as mentioned above, a sort of Triumph of the Will knockoff.

miss wonderstarr

09:57 / 23.08.06

I could go into more scathing detail I expect, but if I say "Go awol. Go off the page. Go... beyond" in a longing, breathy, aching Scottish undertone, does that tell you which advert I am currently hating the most? I think I'm hating it in part because it almost works its magic on me.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

12:14 / 23.08.06

That "go... beyond" advert always makes me respond with "yeah. Go on. FUCK OFF".

Which is, I believe, as it should be.

16:14 / 30.08.06

SUUUNNNNSIIIIIIIILLLLLKKKKK

Also, use of the word "hairapy". I like portmanteaus as much as nextguy but not in that voice. Never in that voice.

16:53 / 30.08.06

I'd like to add my vote to the 'go...beyond' hatefest. It's made oh so much worse by the fact that it's Ewan McGregor doing the voiceover.

How could you, Ewan? I'm trying to convince myself that your hyper-trembly delivery of that last 'beyond' is your way of saying you're taking the piss, but I fear that's just wishful thinking from the part of me that's still 16, watching Lipstick On Your Collar and imagining exactly how sourfaced all the hockey girls at school will look when you marry me.

Regrettable Juvenilia

22:57 / 30.08.06

The Beard Ewan Grew For Star Wars.

The Bike Ewan Rode Around The World.

The Cheque Ewan Cashed From Evil Admen.

23:58 / 30.08.06

I've been trying to get Suedey to draw me a picture of Ewan's beard for ages, but he keeps fucking dancing around it.

True story.

00:18 / 31.08.06

That actually is a true story.

No beard as of yet.

Whisky Priestess

09:31 / 31.08.06

Apparently that ad where the kids are filming each other on their mobile walking along the street and then one of them steps out into the road and is flattened by a passing car was part-funded by the DfES (Department for Education and Skills, if you're wondering) as a viral campaign for road safety.

Thing was, although when you see it on the telly you're obviously aware it's not a real child's mobile phone video, apparently the way they first distributed it was between mobile phones, with those who passed it on believing it was a genuine death caught on camera.

I personally had a bit of a problem with the Government creating a very convincing fake snuff film and then distributing it among children who believed it was, essentially, a snuff film, but they were over the moon. Why? Because it had been really successful in reaching the elusive 8-13-year-old market. And that's all that matters.

This is why, although it's an effective advert, it gives me a funny feeling in my moral tummy whenever I watch it.

19:46 / 14.10.06

FROOT PASTILLES

GEDDIN DOWN WID DA YOUF

20:30 / 14.10.06

I'm finding myself irritated by those ads on the Underground for some seabird preservation group or other, the ones with the tagline 'I Think An Albatross Is' followed by a child's crayon scrawl of a tree with legs or something else that looks utterly unlike yer actual albatross. The point is, I suppose, that once the albatross is extinct, kids won't have any idea what one looks like.

While I wholeheartedly support the right of albatrosses to be alive, this ad annoys me because it's essentially pushing a disingenuous concept. I've never seen a real live albatross in the feathery flesh, but I know what one looks like - because I've seen photos of albatrosses in books, watched nature documentaries, and I just looked up the relevant Wikipedia entry.

So... if kids don't know what an albatross looks like, then they need a smack round the head. Or, more constructively, instruction on how to use Wikipedia, or Teh Computer generally. Frankly, I'd imagine most kids of crayon-scrawly age are more Internet-literate than I am, so the suggestion that they can't simply GoogleImage 'albatross' is somewhat ludicrous. I mean, they know what dinosaurs look like, don't they?

I'm all in support of albatrosses not being extinct. I just don't think "because then kids won't know what they look like" holds water as a reason.

00:32 / 15.10.06

I see what you mean. It doesn't hold water, water anywhere nor any a drop to drink?

00:49 / 15.10.06

I s'pose it was a matter of rime.

00:55 / 15.10.06

Yea, slimy things did crawl with legs
Upon the slimy sea.

Whisky Priestess

11:30 / 16.10.06

I abhor those utterly cynical, sentimental, badly-punning "go on, be a teacher, work with kids cos kids are grrrreat and it beats being stuck in an office with boring adults" adverts you see everywhere.

You know the ones -

*Pic of slack-jawed, pop-eyed child*
"That's gravity making his jaw drop"
OOH! I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE!!!

*Pic of effnik child jubilant at a number-scrawled blackboard*
"Are your colleagues this happy when their figures add up?"
YES, BECAUSE IT MEANS THEY WILL GET VAST BONUSES, VERY MUCH UNLIKE ANY TEACHER I HAVE EVER MET

*Pic of a 13-year-old girl with a Croydon facelift, a fag and a bottle of Lambrini, snogging a very ugly male counterpart at a disco in the gym. Vomit steams and streams like lava in the background*
"Remember your first kiss? They won't."

All right, I made the last one up. But that's what they should be like.

Happy Dave Has Left

19:17 / 28.10.06

Those bloody Blue Inc adverts on X Fm here in London (if you don't live here, thank the stars). With the revolting, smarmy man saying how he's just been to Blue Inc to get a pair of jeans and some sort of horrific sub-Bridget Jones woman-creature instantly wanting to jump his heavily-cologned bones.

Then, the sweaty-palmed, mind-sickening final tagline:

"Blue Inc - the place to get your kit on, and maybe later, get it off again."

Fuck's sake, this is 2006 you advertising cretins.

19:37 / 28.10.06

Whisky, enlighten me as to what a 'croydon facelift' is, please?

I've got a problem with the 'my Grandma stinks of piss' approach to laundry detergent advertising, courtesy of Persil. You know the advert where a young girl sees a top in a fashion mag and her Grandma potters off and comes back with something very similar which she has kept for many years, and Granny gives it to the girl only to have the ungrateful little git sniff it and make a face about the smell of her Granny?

Have you seen that?

But it's OK! Hurrah! Because Mum washes it in Persil! Hurrah! So the smell of the pissy stinky Granny is gone and the girl can wear it! Hurrah!

It just makes me so cross.

Happy Dave Has Left

19:43 / 28.10.06

A Croydon Facelift is when hair is pulled up into a ponytail or topknot so tight it leads to an unnatural tightness of the facial features, I believe.

Goes hand in hand with the whole Vicky-Pollard-aren't-chavs-funny social alienation our beloved country is currently breaking it's collective funny bone over.

For reference WP, I'm not accusing you of ascribing to that particular excrecable brand of humour. Just answering the question.

21:31 / 28.10.06

Thanks, I thought it might be something like that. So then WP's comment kind of is 'Vicki Pollard aren't chav's funny' in a way then, isn't it?

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