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Godawful adverts

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09:26 / 07.01.07

If I see those Butlins kids again I swear I'm going to break my teeth.

12:47 / 07.01.07

The Carphone Warehouse ad where various people (in fact, are they all women?) get rid of their "dull, naff" but loyal phones/boyfriend surrogates in increasingly vile and violent ways: drowned in the bath, frozen to death, chucked under a combine harvester...

Fuck!

If they were just phones well then it'd just be a wasteful message... But the phones in the ad have got tiny arms and legs! It's pretty much the technology version of "killing people? It's not that bad if you can find a better mum/dad/spouse!".

The people of the Anthromorphic Phone Planet wouldn't stand for it. No they would not.

12:48 / 07.01.07

Yes (x2)5toes, that ad is shit. But the lad with glasses looks a lot like me and, as a narcissist, I'm somewhat conflicted.

08:54 / 08.01.07

"Diamond is a girl's best freind!"

Not that I hate insurance companies advertising their wares on my TV - no. I object to the looks-so-much-like-Keeley-Hawes-she's-probably-related actor they use in it.

** ** **

There's a tiscali ad on at the mo which is annoying. There's some women in an office chatting around the water cooler about the men in the office, and the stereotypically attractive blonde woman goes for the stereotypically unattractive scrawny boy. So far, so paint by numbers - let's use sex to sell.

What's annoying is not the premise of the ad, but the fact that when she says you can get tiscali for just 9:99 a month, it's so clearly dubbed from a previously lower price. Her lips are saying one thing, but I'm hearing another. Those stupid arses are so goddamn cheap! First raising the price, then not making a new add, but dubbing the old one. Thngs must be tight at tiscali.

Regrettable Juvenilia

09:49 / 08.01.07

Ask me how I feel about those car adverts in which the children talk like adults and the adults run around like children DO YOU SEE?

10:06 / 08.01.07

Tell us, do!

Whisky Priestess

10:34 / 08.01.07

A MAN MIGHT SAY THAT THEY AROUSE FURIOUS ANGER IN A MAN'S BREAST.
THAT THEIR TWEE POINTLESSNESS CANNOT GO UNPUNISHED.
THAT THEIR CREATORS MIGHT BE FED TO STARVED BOAR.
THAT THEIR SCREAMS MIGHT ECHO OVER THE SNOW.

SO MIGHT A MAN SAY.

Kirin? Who the heck?

13:14 / 08.01.07

Hear hear. A man might, indeed.

18:16 / 13.01.07

Slightly off-topic perhaps, but Jamie Oliver increasingly seems like a bad advert for healthy eating. At the current rate of decline, he seems due to be morbidly obese just in time for the 2012 Olympics, at which point it's going to have to be asked; will the supercontext be large enough to absorb him?

18:45 / 13.01.07

I spend too long at the telly, and too long on this thread. The Slimfast ad, is it, with the moral blackmail? [child]”mum wears nice clothes, now…[waxing beautician]”it takes half as long”…[hubby]”as a man: I notice – sorry love”…

(oh, and Tripl, I’m getting over it. I now rather look forward to the way ‘you’ shake your head in a stage-schooly way when ‘you’ say “…stAY up LAte!!”. Do you nod your head in that wise way, too?)

11:50 / 23.01.07

I think that's a weight watchers ad...what gets me about it is the scenery of abject misery that seems to surround them - grey skies, manky buildings - it's like the 'decline' episode of Brasseye, I half expect Chris Morris to turn up and start pulling 'concerned' faces at the camera.

Too many adverts these days feature dogs that can talk. This is not a good thing. If no-one takes action, this is gonna lead to some David Berkowitz-style shit, you just know it.

12:12 / 23.01.07

Ask me how I feel about those car adverts in which the children talk like adults and the adults run around like children DO YOU SEE?

Those adverts are about DEATH.

The other week the Guardian Guide ran an article where an identical opinion was expressed - it gives me hope that other people feel the same way.

14:14 / 23.01.07

haha re: the excerable Tiscali ad. Although in NO WAY responsible for it, it has some significance in my work life and it comes as no surprise that they've been utterly thrashed by the equivalent Orange ads with the two little wind-up dudes walking down the street arm-in-arm to a Laurel And Hardy seranade. Rather good, that, I think.

But this is tread of ad-hate and so, in the spirit of that; may I suggest that we can all live without adverts whose purpose is to let us know that shit stinks; wailing child on the loo, concerned mother at the door: "What's wrong, darling?"
"We've run out of lifesaving airfreshener! Oh god, the stench, the unholy stench! My eyes, my eyes. Christ, the paper's peeling off the walls" etc.

I may be paraphrasing.

The whole thing makes me queasy. There's another one that cites the issues surrounding "soft poo." Direct quote. No paraphrasing. Horrific.

14:20 / 23.01.07

Ugh, I'm with you on that one.
"It's all gone, it's all gone!"
Don't worry, international dubbed child. Soon they will build an air-freshener that lodges inside your colon and sprays the faeces as it passes. Until then, why not sew your nostrils shut with dental floss and a toothpick?

14:39 / 23.01.07

"What is it? Why is it? Where is it? Who is it?"

Can whatever car this ad is for just ANSWER A BLOODY QUESTION? No? Then why are you asking a car? Surely a book or the internets might be a better idea.

15:49 / 23.01.07

I'm with you regarding air freshener adverts.
My extra-special hatred is reserved for the ones with the catchphrase "What does your loo say about you?". The worst of which features a mother and small baby, but what's this? A number of women have come to visit them, presumably friends of the mother come to congratulate the her on the new baby. "Oh no" thinks the mother "all these women will judge my less than fragrant toilet, despite the fact that I HAVE A NEW BABY and presumably have more important things to be stressed about" I mean what kind of prick is going to be condemning a brand new mum about the state of her bloody toilet. And if you did know someone like that, why would you tolerate them, let alone invite them round your house?
It's just preying in a particulary unpleasant way on people's insecurities, or in fact trying to create insecurities that they can then prey on in order to flog unpleasantly artificial chemical smelling gunk.

16:27 / 23.01.07

'The most sophisticated technology you'll ever pee on'

I can't work out if it's wonderfully honest or just blunt to the most terrible degree.

Hmmm...

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

16:37 / 23.01.07

Hang on, I've peed on a police van before, and they're chock full of scary tech shit, if my inner paranoid is to be believed.

16:38 / 23.01.07

'The most sophisticated technology you'll ever pee on'

That sounds like a challenge to me. Who wants to break into CERN and piss on a super-computer or two?

Mysterious Transfer Student

17:48 / 23.01.07

I was recently moved to change my suit name in 'tribute' to the series of adverts currently airing in the UK for Magnet fitted kitchens, in which various strikingly smug people address the camera on the topic of the one item in their kitchen that "really sums up what happens there" - my twit of choice being the floppy-haired monobrow-sporter surrounded by brushed aluminium who uses a miniature blowtorch to make creme brulee or some fucking thing (my spleen is blotting out my memory of the damn advert, I am in no way too lazy to actually verify my facts on this). My girlfriend reckons the actor prepared for the role by watching American Psycho.

18:48 / 23.01.07

I'm not sure if those of you outside the US have been fortunate enough to not see it, but lately Orville Redenbacher popcorn is running a new commercial. This comercial features Orville talking about how lightweight mp3 players are and then comparing that to how lightweight his popcorn is. Eats great, too. He then dances a little while everyone else eats. This is all fine and dandy, except for one little thing: Orville Redenbacher died in 1995. This hideous creature in the advert is actually a CGI monstrosity that falls quite firmly in the deepest ravines of the uncanny valley. First time I saw it, I honestly couldn't blink due to pure terror. Anytime I see that ungodly face darken my screen I flail for the remote in a desperate attempt to save what is left of my mind.

Because I sort of hate all of you lucky bastards who haven't seen what I'm talking about:

19:15 / 23.01.07

Jesus fucking Christ

19:24 / 23.01.07

That's the villain in a bad cyberpunk movie, right there.

19:26 / 23.01.07

That sounds like a challenge to me. Who wants to break into CERN and piss on a super-computer or two?

Fuck that, haven't they got like the world's biggest particle accelerator open in Switzerland now. Let's go in there and perform a live experiment in using urine to dilute Bose-Einstein condensate!

19:51 / 23.01.07

Oh, hang on, here's a new winner, the Johnson & Johnson advert:

'What if you could live in a world of hydration?

Well, you would drown.

Whisky Priestess

13:42 / 24.01.07

Will somebody PLEASE adbust that dreadful "have you got time for a chat?" blue-sofa-based Kleenex ad? You know the one. Kleenex - have a good cry. Get in touch with your feelings. Tagline: "let it out".

Show this instead:
Annoying Kleenex man approaches strangers on the streets and asks them if they've got time for a wank. Cut to shots of strangers and man getting increasingly comfortable, a few shufflings in the trouser area, eyes roll back in the head, variations on the "urgh" face and just in time, man hands them a tissue.

Kleenex: Let it out

(Emo rock plays throughout, of course)

14:41 / 24.01.07

Ads that get my goat:

The "Challenge Churchill" ad. Did they have to use the comedy Brummie accent for the first piece infront of our beautifull Selfridges building. Surely us Midlanders have suffered enough from the accent police.

The Ariel (or Persil) wash at 30 degrees ad. No I won't and you've given me my reason in the ad. Everythime someone switchs from 40 to 30 an innocent old man/young child is woken up by the light turning itself on. How irresponsible.

The Anti wrinkle cream from the Men Experts at some company. Everytime I see that ad I think I'll try it on my testicles. The ultimate wrinkled area of my body. And if it doesn't work they're getting a very sternly worded letter from me.

The Coke Zero ("Great taste without the sugar"). Now firstly the "Girlfriend without the five year plan" confuses me as the only person I know of with a five year plan was Stalin. Not my first choice when it comes to a loving partner. And then I feel utter sympathy for the git in the red tie who states "Yeah, or workmates without the work". You poor, lonely, sad individual those are called friends.

lord nuneaton savage

15:09 / 24.01.07

Extra points deducted for the use of the word 'dodgy' re: ringtones.

No one has used the word 'dodgy' in conversation since 1998, you dullards. Substitute 'wank' and you might be on to something.

Whisky Priestess

15:14 / 24.01.07

I think that's a dodgy assumption to make.

15:15 / 24.01.07

If it's good enough for you, it's good enough for me.

15:17 / 24.01.07

sussex-centricism doesnt suit you, ya brightonese hipster wank.

we in the weege are often found saying dodgy. i said it last night for sure - although it may have been this morning - my memory is a wee bit dodgy on account of the vodka and vimto.

15:27 / 24.01.07

Because I clearly hate myself I went and found Orville Reichenbacker and his popcorn on Youtube.

Oh dear.

M-m-m-max Reichenbackeroom more fuckin' like.

15:34 / 24.01.07

DECKARD: Mr Redenbacher, you see a tortoise laying on its back in the desert, baking in the hot son. If you don't turn it over, it will die. But you're not helping

ORVILLE: What do you mean I'm not helping?

DECKARD: I mean you're not helping. Now, in simple words, tell me about only the good things that come into your head when I mention the word... popcorn

ORVILLE: You want to know about popcorn? I'll tell you about popcorn!

SFX: BLAM!

19:48 / 24.01.07

There's a Toyota Yaris ad where this girl deliberately crashes her boyf's radio control airplane. And why has she done this, you ask? Ah, we are told in a flashback. You see, evil evil boyfriend has dared, when carrying an armful of her shopping to close the door of her beautiful car with his foot. With his foot!

So what she does is she crashes his plane, which he probably spent ages building and everything.

What I don't like about this advert is, she crashes the plane two days later! At no point in the intervening time does she think to say, 'hey babe, sorry and all, but it really annoys me when you close the car door with your foot. I really like that car, and I don't think that's the right kind of treatment to give it. In future, could you please close it with your hand, gently, even if that means putting down what you're carrying? Ta.'

No. No she does not think that. Instead, she waits two days and, when the opportunity presents itself, she destroys something he loves.

That's evil, that is. And I won't buy a car that represents evil.

20:03 / 24.01.07

Has anyone mentioned the new 'Weightwatchers' ad yet?

'The woman I married is back' and so on?

I find the scenario more palatable if turned out the woman in question had been killed in a car crash several years earlier, I think.

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