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Godawful adverts

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12:08 / 23.06.04

Aaaargh! Boswelox! Glad you picked up on that as well.

So, what the fuck is Boswelox and why should we be clamouring for it?

First Ad man: "We need to have some zingy science stuff in here."

Second Ad man: "You're right, Boswell."

Third Ad man: "Let's call it Boswelox! Can I have a pay rise now, please, sir?"

12:18 / 23.06.04

Boswelox! It's like Botox! But for you! You're thick, ain't ya? You want this, dont'cha?

Grrrr.....

19:14 / 23.06.04

Jennifer Aniston's Hell of Compliments wherein we're invited to bleed sympathy for the tiresome agony of constant positive feedback on one's appearance. Most teeth-grinding is the final Comedy Lilt-vendor who brings poor Jen a world of pain by remarking on how "prrrrrriiiitty" she is.

And I wonder how many times she had to rehearse pronouncing A La Recherche Du Temps Perdu?

19:18 / 23.06.04

And who the fuck pays for a coke and a bag of crisps at a beach shack with a credit card?

19:26 / 23.06.04

Boswelox. Extracted from the famous Bollox Well of Loreal.

19:29 / 23.06.04

What happened to those Trojan condom adverts with the Face cover model-style women politely coming, all shot from a shagger's eye viewpoint? They were on at the start of the Big Brother series but haven't seen them in a while.

Nor do I want to. I haven't seen a woman orgasm in 34 years and I don't want to have to watch it on the television.

Goodness Gracious Meme

19:44 / 23.06.04

not an awful ad, just an ad-related query.

Latest VWGolf ad sounds like it's soundtracked by Plaid, which seems unlikely. Anyone seen it?

21:06 / 23.06.04

Not seen it, but one of their tracks is in the background of a BBC7 ad. Not that that's particularly relevant, but still...

The Barclaycard ad annoys, primarily because the product it seems to be promoting is Aniston's arse.

09:14 / 24.06.04

These have been running for a while now, so apologies if I've mentioned them before:

The sadistic Fruit Winder ads, in which a criminal gang of fruits with human bodies gleefully inflicts nasty deaths on innocent fruits (without human bodies) and turns them into sweets. Those have always disturbed the living buggery out of me. Nasty, nasty things. It's the advertising equivalent of a teacher trying to get in with the cool kids by joining in with the bullying. Bastards.

10:52 / 24.06.04

Word on the Fruitwinders. That one where the orange chases the blueberry into some kind of trash compacter. Close up on his horrified face as he gets the fuck squished out of him. Bastards. "Don't worry kids, your mates are just things you use to entertain yourselves".

Oh, and Anna Friel. Breadstick fucking breadstick.

That cheese string advert where the kid Tipexes his nails and comes home complaining of calcium deficiency and that the only cure in the world is CHEESESTRING. Of course his stereotypical, middle-class dumbfuck of a mother is like "OH MY GOD I WILL BUY THEM RIGHT NOW". While her kid smirks in the background like a smug little shit. If my kids tried that I'd force feed them milk til their faces burst.

11:32 / 24.06.04

But this one takes the biscuit. What on earth went through the mind of the first-year Internet Media Design student who thought this one up?

How is that a warning anyway?

But you just know someone's going to click it, "Uh, no I'm not".

Our Lady Has Left the Building

18:49 / 26.10.05

Food porn.

"This is not just a carrot, this is a West Prussian Pleasure Carrot. This is not just a fairy cake, this is pure uncut heroin on a block of pure ketamine"

This is not a bad advert, this is an advert that makes me want to kill the berk who thought it up and all their families.

All Acting Regiment

19:06 / 26.10.05

STRONG TRUTH. And always the same little snippet of music in the background, and, and, you can hear it through walls and you know it's that advert. "Du-Dum-Djum..." You know? COCKS.

19:13 / 26.10.05

I like those M&S food ads. And I just noticed today that Morrisons have now started ripping it off, with some success.
I fucking *hate* the Citroen 'Happy Days' advert, on the other hand. It honestly makes me nause. I'm not even quite sure why - I now have to leave the room when it's on and so I'm not likely to find out. It's the bit when Joany (?) turns round from the passenger seat that did the damage, as I remember it. It's just bad bad bad on so many levels. My reaction to it is phobic.

And lets not get onto the Nuts ads. I'm being medicated for that.

19:17 / 26.10.05

"Wouldn't it be nice if everyone was more ... jolly?"

*&*$!*!!!

Has anyone else seen this? For some shitty car company. It shits me to tears and beyond. Why why why are car adverts always the worst?

19:20 / 26.10.05

I get shout-at-the-screen when the Special K 'loser' ads come on. Oh, the increeedible whimsical irony of people calling either "loser" in a good way! Really fucking smug people so that, far from rebranding the word in a wittily cerealtastic way, it causes more GANESHSMAAASH! rage than if it had been used pejoratively.

Special Kunts.

19:23 / 26.10.05

God, Special K has so much to answer for. What about the "Lose a jeans size in two weeks" with Special K. How, you ask? By eating Special K for two meals a day for 2 weeks. It's called starving yourself you fucks!

19:26 / 26.10.05

On the other hand, I did like the full-length Muller ad with Nina Simone and dancing. It may have been for over-sweet crap but the dancing and music were very nice.

Now, back to the hate. That cinema ad for Carte D'Or. "How did you knwo we just said that?" Because we're in a fucking cinema waiting for this shitty food porn ad to end, that's how. GO AWAY.

19:40 / 26.10.05

The one for the latest Nissan armoured personel carrier:

"IT GETS RESPECT."

AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"You want the fucking peasantry to fuck right off out of your fucking way and treat you like the fucking feudal landlord you know you would've been if you'd been around in them days? Get one of these, they'll be SHIT fucking scared of ya. Do what you like in one of these, no fucker can touch you."

20:06 / 26.10.05

i agree with the m&s ads

"its not just food. its better described food."

Tryphena Absent

22:03 / 26.10.05

Small children touting SUV's like they're suburban middle-aged men? My entire face is bleeding.

Harrison Ford, in a battle suit, wheels for feet, knives and guns

22:08 / 26.10.05

Fuck Off Churchill nodding dog, you are everything i hate about this poxy god forsaken shit hole of an island that I live on.

Seriously as I'm moving into this sphere, I'll find the person responsible for this arse scraping of an idea & make them personally apologise to me.

Oh a nodding Emerdalesque dog, how marvelous.....Fuck Off.

22:08 / 26.10.05

I HATE the car ads out right now, where 1) has a bad and obvious take-off of Joey Ramone's version of 'What a Wonderful World' playing in it, and 2) one has a bad Michael Gondry/Hardest Button to Button effects in it, with rotating camping gear instead of drum sets... sigh...

22:18 / 26.10.05

I don´t have a TV, so I mostly see adverts at the movies.

We recently spoke about that H&M commercial (some kind of Romeo&Juliet remake with lots of wailing) recently. It lasted about 10 minutes, felt like half an hour, and had half the audience up in arms. I wondered, how they could have not anticipated how people would react to this mess.

22:45 / 26.10.05

I recall the disaster of being forced to watch Pet Shop Boys doing Domino Dancing for ten minutes before films in the late 80s. At least that was entertainment of a sort. I have yet to see the H&M toss, perhaps it's been pulled or was never shown en Ecosse?

Tryphena Absent

22:51 / 26.10.05

I saw the H&M advert recently and there's a bit at the end when she's been wailing/singing over the body for about 5 minutes and finally she stops. Everyone in the cinema sighed in relief and then it cut to them lying on a bed and everyone burst into despairing laughter as the advert continued to run. It was a great moment of shared consciousness and I enjoyed Broken Flowers even more. The ad really reminded me of the joy at seeing the Britney movie Crossroads at a late night showing when everyone wept with laughter when the love interest started to play "I'm not a girl, not yet a woman". Sometimes the cinema audience makes the worst films and adverts the best experience.

22:51 / 26.10.05

en Ecosse?

What´s that?

The H&M commercial is directed by David LaChapelle, who has also directed Rize. With a little bit of bad luck, you´ll see it eventually.

23:26 / 26.10.05

Specsavers.

Boyfriend: Your mum's alright (and pretty shaggable because of her apparent lack of visual impairment)

Girlfriend (later) pissed off, "My boyfriend doesn't like me coz I'm a speccy four-eyes! Thanks, MUM"

Mum: Go to Specsavers, you little git

What the smallprint says: Over-react and give in to vanity! At Specsavers!

Unless I'm totally reading that advert the wrong way?

23:28 / 26.10.05

Also: Happy (Deformed CGI Face) Days

Tryphena Absent

00:09 / 27.10.05

Has anyone caught the new ads for the British Heart foundation yet? In which a f***** f****** wanker explains to everyone who's depressed enough to be watching this tawdry **** in the first place about what a perfect fit 'I've Got You Under My Skin' is for their f****** f*****-up, and in many ways really dreadful, campaign.

'It was almost as if the bloke wrote it for us,' indeed.

The British Heart Foundation having pretty clearly been at the front of Cole Porter's mind while he was at the piano with a cig, a martini, and his no doubt spurious thoughts about what it actually means for a grown adult to have a heart in the first place, damnit.

01:43 / 27.10.05

That Premium Bonds advert.

"I believe in them. That's why my fee for this ad is going to Great Ormond Street."

How very fucking generous of you.

01:56 / 27.10.05

Aaaargh, yes, the H&M ad. I meant to post a rant about that a few weeks ago, but was just too... angry to form anything coherent. Easily the worst, most offensive piece of shit advertising I've ever had the misfortune to witness. I was actually scared to go to the cinema after that in case I ever saw it again (but I have done every week since, and I haven't seen it. Phew!). Read this press release and enjoy delicious irony and enfuriating self-important bollocks...

'There's enough comedy in advertising today,' says Jörgen Andersson. 'And jeans are not about laughs, jeans are love and soul and tears. That's what we're trying to emphasize with this tragic and beautiful Romeo & Juliet story.' KILLKILLKILLKILLKILL!!

Totally agree with Nina about the shared experience thing. The audience I saw it with were aghast. There was a sort of stunned silence then laughter when it ended (as well as sniggering throughout). I think what annoyed me most was how the ad trumpeted itself as some kind of gift to us, the common people, from H&M. Cuuuuuuuuuuuunts.

Our Lady Has Left the Building

05:31 / 27.10.05

And then there's the build-up to Nissan ads at the movies,
'dun-delun-delun-delun-delun-delun-delun...' There's some psychotrickery going on there, leading you on, so that when it finally breaks into the "Zoom zoom zoom!" bit you're on your knees, weeping in the aisles, screaming "I will go and buy one of your crap cars now, I don't even know how to drive but I'll work it out later, where's the nearest showroom?" in relief.

07:42 / 27.10.05

That new "Talk to FRANK" ad where the annoying kid, dressed like a Beano character, asks deeply probing questions of people who're using TEH DRUGS. I don't even take (non-legal) drugs, but this piece of pretentious, patronising toss makes me want to go out and score a kilo of crack for the weekend. Stop polluting my brain!

Presumably the idea is that drug users (apparently a rather attractive, fun-loving, bunch of people according to the ad) will be so ashamed of an "innocent" child asking these questions that they will instantly flush their pills down the nearest loo.

Jesus wept tears of blood.

08:22 / 27.10.05

Extreme Gorbachev: That Specsavers ad actually makes me wonder if people in advertising have souls. It's utterly loathsome on so many levels. An ad that features a girl so insecure that she is jealous of her mother. Nice, that'll help sell glasses.
The Persil adverts. No, it is mess. Shut up.

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