I am slipping very quickly into a pit of depression. Feelings of being overwhelmed and wanting to die. I feel like not moving. It is an effort to type. I have to type though, because I have to complete my article for the Temple Journal. Ironically, a lot of the article is about dealing with negative states of mind. So, I have the techniques. I know what to do to rid myself of this hurt. I am rarely, if ever depressed anymore. I can't really recall the last time I had this dark, energy-sapping feeling. Sometimes though, I just need to feel this hurt and anger. Before it takes me to some place more long-term, I will make certain that I rid myself of this. One cannot function properly in negative states. Functioning properly is a necessity for me. I can no longer indulge in negativity without taking the steps to try and change it by myself. I cannot rely on others to do that for me.
So, just a few more minutes and I will deal with this in short order. After all, it is not my fault that my parents really didn't/don't want me and let me know that in every passive-aggressive manner and sometimes just aggressive manner they can legally behave in. I a just tired of expecting them to love me in a healthy and supportive manner. I am sick of questions that are not made out of genuine concern, but instead, for hoarding ammunition to use against me. I am tired of living in fear of their constant judgment - nothing, but nothing is right that I do. They are never at fault. That who I am, and the issues I have had in my life have nothing at all to do with them - like I was raised by wolves. Wolves might have been more nurturing. I was not allowed to exist in my home. I was not to be seen nor heard in any manner. But I wasn't allowed to go out and have friends, either. I was to play in a basement crawlspace, unseen, unheard and not wrecking anything. Because I wreck everything, they think. From the moment I was born, I was wrecking stuff for them.
Now, I must realize how selfish they are. I must endeavour to not carry this on in my own pain and anger. I have to look upon them with the compassion of a bodhisattva, and know that their misguided ways, and self-centred behaviour is the result of the sick mindstream of generations before. I have to forgive them or else I am doomed to repeat it. Then I have to cleanse myself of it, so I don't pass it on.
Thank you for listening Barbelith. |
