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Romantic workplace faux pas

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Kali, Queen of Kitteh

18:13 / 18.07.06

Truth be told, I am afraid of responding but I know that I must.

18:16 / 18.07.06

What are you afraid of?

Kali, Queen of Kitteh

18:17 / 18.07.06

Honestly? Confrontation.

That, and right now I feel so very very ashamed.

18:32 / 18.07.06

Again, Kali, you have nothing to be ashamed for. Keep repeating this to yourself until you believe, because it's the truth.

And the fact you are genuinely concerned about the feeling of a person you don't even know is just further proof of your good character.

Kali, Queen of Kitteh

18:44 / 18.07.06

This sucks. I've got the other guys here concerned because when I left for my lunch break, I was pretty much in tears.

I do not want this to make my job difficult and I do not want to hurt this other person whom I haven't met.

This is such bullshit.

18:47 / 18.07.06

you havent hurt her, kali.
if she was hurt it was by him, surely?
the worst you did was fancy someone with socialisation issues.
we've all done that.

i think the face to face and the talking as friends thig sounds the best approach.
i would be wary of email, and i would be wary of humour, but other than that, go along, be strong and give this girl the truth.

18:48 / 18.07.06

Well if you fear this person appearing in your space demanding information or putting on a show and generally making your life unpleasant you might want to think about why they would do that.

Mostly people behave this way when they are being ignored, or feel they are not being heard or respected.

If you proactively indicate to this person that you do respect them and hear them you lessen the liklihood of a gunslinger moment in the saloon.

Confrontation can be replaced with communication.

As for feeling ashamed what exactly did you do wrong? Is it the trespass of indulging your impulsiveness that you perceive as the issue? Do you think you were foolish to hope your coworker was made of finer stuff?

In either case you are punishing yourself for pursuing your joy. The intent in your heart was neither foolish nor selfish. The shame is a knee jerk reaction to being in an unpleasant situation that you percieve you could have avoided if only you'd been... (insert noble ideal here->)X.

Let your discomfort motivate you to take action in whatever way brings you closer to your noble ideas of self. Choose how you want this to resolve don't passively wait on other people who have displayed a lack of social aptitude already.

ONLY NICE THINGS

18:53 / 18.07.06

All true. And, honestly, she already thinks that he's cheated on her with you. All that remains unclear to her is the when, the how and the why. Better that you provide a credible version of that than that you leave it to him.

18:55 / 18.07.06

Example email response:

Dear Jane Doe,

I'm terribly confused by all of this and really would like to speak with you in person.
Though I'm not privy to the details of your relationship with John Doe, I only have the utmost respect for your feelings. Please let me know a time when we could sit down and discuss this misunderstanding.

Kali, Queen of Kitteh

19:14 / 18.07.06

Better that you provide a credible version of that than that you leave it to him.

This is true. I don't know what he may have told her already. All I could tell her is that we went out, had a beer, talked, and then he kissed me. That was all we did.

20:21 / 18.07.06

This guy sounds like a right bell-end, Kali.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

20:22 / 18.07.06

Umm. yeah, what Boboss said, really.

20:24 / 18.07.06

A real self-serving, cowardly little prick, in fact.

I'm getting quite cross.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

20:28 / 18.07.06

Can we petition the tabloids to give Boboss a problem page?

20:34 / 18.07.06

Yes, I think we're all a bit cross. And also that Boboss shoulod be provided the keys to the minds of a generation.

Kali, honestly, between yr two posts toksik, xk and haus offer what looks to me like very solid advice. If I were you, I'd also try and emphasise just quite how much not your fault this is, whilst also being sympathetic - which may be a difficult balancing act. Never know, do it right and you might end being pals with her, bell-end dumped, ladies & sisterhoood victiorious, etc. That's how it works out in the magazines, anyway.

Kali, Queen of Kitteh

20:40 / 18.07.06

Yeah, I'm thinking that Haus is right and we need to also work on my attraction to knob-ends.

I'm writing and rewriting this email to this girl. Trying to find that balancing act.

20:47 / 18.07.06

(Just noticed Gumbitch's post upthread. LOLtastic.)

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

20:50 / 18.07.06

You are planning to kick this guy's head in, though, yeah?

Kali, Queen of Kitteh

20:54 / 18.07.06

At the very least, the other boys will have to restrain me.

20:55 / 18.07.06

I believe the polite thing is to allow the woman on the other end of the email the first go. She's the one with a bigger emotional investment.

Then you get to heap scorn. But please do keep in mind it is your work place. It may just be best to let her work her will on him and then let him know civily how you feel. That should help keep your work place a bit more even and allow you a vicarious enjoyment of his trouncing.

20:58 / 18.07.06

Also before you completely bludgeon him to death, do keep in mind he did have enough spine to tell you he was dating someone else even if it was half assed. Some folks won't even do that.

Kali, Queen of Kitteh

20:58 / 18.07.06

Again, I'm emailing her first--if I can find a version suitable enough.

I am pretty much good with never speaking to this guy again. It may be easier than you think.

21:07 / 18.07.06

I do think you have to just do your best with the e-mail, Kali. Better that than not at all.

Kali, Queen of Kitteh

21:19 / 18.07.06

I may not respond to her until tomorrow or later tonight, because I feel anything I write is just not good enough.

06:49 / 19.07.06

Perhaps you should also mention that you feel like that.

The resistable rise of Reidcourchie

07:25 / 19.07.06

Not to go against the flow but I would suggest contacting his partner only by e-mail. Maybe it's just me but I find it a little creepy that she's got hold of your e-mail address, on the other hand that may just be male cowrdliness. I would also suggest finding out from him what's going on before you do so. Once you've found out though I would suggest punching him or even tyre ironing him in the groin (isn't it sad that some blokes still need this to remind them not to behave like pricks) and then drive him out of the workplace so you can remain there in a comfortable environment.

I'm trying to think of a non-rude way to phrase this but I'm having problems but have you considered following other people's suggestions on who you should or shoulddn't date?

07:31 / 19.07.06

Kali, without knowing exactly what this other person wrote, it's a bit difficult to know what you should do. My advise would be to sit on your laurels and let it all blow over.

08:12 / 19.07.06

that assumes it will all blow over.
in my exeprience it never does.

do you feel differently, jub?

08:15 / 19.07.06

I'm trying to think of a non-rude way to phrase this but I'm having problems but have you considered following other people's suggestions on who you should or shoulddn't date?

i got a list of acceptable people from my mum, and cross referenced it with all of my friends' and family member's lists until i was left with a list of people approved by all for me to fancy.

there was no one on it except david hasselhof.

i'll be fucked if i'm going to date david hasselhof.

08:48 / 19.07.06

toksik, I think it will blow over. Maybe not immediately, but soonish. It's odd when you're in the middle of it, but my point is generally these things sort themselves out - it all rather depends on circumstances which we don't know about - so speculating wildly about the motivations about the other girl or suggesting hammering the nads of the boy seem a little premature.

I sit firmly in the "wait and see" camp.

08:57 / 19.07.06

Well it could be worse- what if you'd had a midnight rendezvouz in the graveyard?

ONLY NICE THINGS

09:23 / 19.07.06

i'll be fucked if i'm going to date david hasselhof.

Almost certainly. He's a very passionate man.

09:32 / 19.07.06

Sorry Kali, I meant that she's probably imagining the worst about now and would be relieved if she got a reply from you saying;
What? That lying rat bastard, I would never have let him kiss me if I'd known he was spoken for! Boy is my face red, you should kick hiss ass down the stairs, sorry for any small part I've had in this but newsflash!- your boy's a love rat!
I'm ashamed for all Dr Who fans and men.

The resistable rise of Reidcourchie

11:02 / 19.07.06

Toksik your family hates you.

Kali, Queen of Kitteh

13:09 / 19.07.06

Here's what my horoscope says today--not that I usually follow it, but it's still eerie.

You might be drawn into a bit of a drama today, but it's really not yours unless you choose to get involved. The problem is that you might find yourself in deep before you even know what occurred. Paying attention to what's happening can give you the freedom of choice instead of being blown around by the winds of fate.

The best friend says that I should not respond because that means only further entangling myself in this stupid drama.

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