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Romantic workplace faux pas

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ONLY NICE THINGS

13:04 / 06.07.06

Dead Megatron, your best chance of living a reasonably fulfilling life is the appreciation in others of the value of kitsch. I wouldn't push that line too far.

13:05 / 06.07.06

Yes! Yeeeeeees!! I've found it I've found it I've found it!!

13:11 / 06.07.06

OH MY FUCKING GOD! It's the sausage sax man! Gumbitch you've made my partner's day and brought back nightmares I thought I'd forgotten. If only he'd upgrade...
TIMMY! (/southpark)

13:41 / 06.07.06

I have chills.. sight blurring....perhaps...yes....must turn up the Goldfrapp...only hope.......

Kiltartan Cross

14:50 / 06.07.06

(Kali)But Kay, that was Jack Fear's post.

Yes, I know. But Haus didn't seem to realise I was responding to it, and jumped on me for having the temerity to question what I saw as being unwarranted assumptions ("this person is playing the field, therefore must be 100% evil") in that post.

ONLY NICE THINGS

15:04 / 06.07.06

I didn't jump, and if this is your idea of jumping I suggest you leave Barbelith at once for an intensive spine-growing course. I didn't think you had the "temerity" to do anything - I thought that you had decided to have a little natter about your feelings - just as you are currently about those awful rappers, without paying attention to the actual situation under discussion, which was that the boy had lied about whether he was dating, not that the boy was a campaigner for poly rights. I have been in a number of relational structures throughout my life. You need either to calm the hell down or shut the hell up. Your choice.

15:14 / 06.07.06

Ah, back on form today, Haus?

ONLY NICE THINGS

15:17 / 06.07.06

My boy's away. Something about the ultimate upgrade. Makes me cranky.

19:54 / 06.07.06

You need either to calm the hell down or shut the hell up. Your choice.

I almost missed good ol' Haus. He was being way too nice lately

Kali, Queen of Kitteh

19:54 / 06.07.06

Today our interaction has been at a minimum. This is good.

And Haus, he doesn't have a beard, but he does sport some serious sideburns.

19:55 / 06.07.06

The way to Nice?

19:58 / 06.07.06

way too nice, is what I mean. I already sent a moderation request to fix it, which shall ruin your joke soon enough, Ganesh. Sorry.

Kali, Queen of Kitteh

15:24 / 18.07.06

Addendum: The guy and I were starting to get along nicely again, but today has been a total cock-up.

I got an email from the young lady he's dating. A very very upset email.

All I can think is: "Oh shit...."

ONLY NICE THINGS

15:32 / 18.07.06

When you say "get along nicely", K...

Kali, Queen of Kitteh

15:51 / 18.07.06

I meant that things were starting to be less awkward, that we were chalking up what happened to just something that happened.

15:56 / 18.07.06

what up with her emailing you? It better be an email in the name of Sistahood and not a weird 'get your mitts off ma man'.....
In any case I suggest you firmly respond (in person if possible) in the name of Sistahood. Ho's before Bro's and all that.

does she work there too? how'd she get your email?

Kali, Queen of Kitteh

16:06 / 18.07.06

The email was more or less of the tone of "Tell me, it isn't true."

She doesn't work here and I have no idea how she got my email address. I am baffled.

I do want to respond to her because I don't want to seem like a homewrecker. (But I guess it's too late for that, huh?)

16:22 / 18.07.06

Uh-oh. Bad boy.

Kali, Queen of Kitteh

16:27 / 18.07.06

I feel like a complete and total arse. I am trying to think of what to tell her, or if I should even confront the boy.

(He's been avoiding me today. I wonder why. Hmm.)

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

16:31 / 18.07.06

I'd confront him (well, I probably wouldn't, being a wuss, but I think it would be the right thing to do). If any wrongdoing has transpired, it wasn't on her part, so it's only fair that you know exactly what the fuck's going on before you email her back. Which you should also do- I just think that whatever happens you need to choose your words carefully, and you can't really do that without confronting him.

Seems to me (and I am, I admit, no Just Jane. Fuck, I'm not even Dear Deidre) he's dicking you both around, and should have to/be able to answer for himself.

Kali, Queen of Kitteh

16:34 / 18.07.06

That was my best friend's suggestion as well. She said to talk to him first, find out what the hell is going on, and then email her back.

All I can offer her is words of apology.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

16:35 / 18.07.06

I think it's probably him that needs to do the apologising... so yeah. Listen to your friend.

16:35 / 18.07.06

Do you think he gave her your email address?

16:47 / 18.07.06

Screw email. You should not chance weird misunderstanding. Ask her to meet you for a coffee. Write a simple email just saying you're confused as to why she would be asking such things and ask to speak in person.

At this point you value her as a possible other been-messed-with person and go speak to her directly. He is obviously not a reliable conduit for information.

I strongly advise you not to even engage with him on this matter until you find out what her perception is. It is a bit more effort on your part but really face to face is the best way to nip this kind of thing in the bud.

Place yourself in her position. Most of us would rather have the other person compassionately speak to us directly so we could read body language. It's a half hour out of your life.

Kali, Queen of Kitteh

16:49 / 18.07.06

The thing is this: he didn't have my email address.

But he does have access to my Myspace page and she probably found me through there. Though I have no idea how she would even know it's me.

Oh yes, in addition: the boy went home early. He claims to be sick. I'm thinking he knows he's about to get his ass handed to him by one or both girls.

16:50 / 18.07.06

Perhaps he showed her your myspace page?

paranoidwriter waves hello

16:52 / 18.07.06

Or he looked at it, and she checked his browser's history?

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

16:58 / 18.07.06

See, I can also see where xk's coming from.

Me, I'm kind of old-fashioned when it comes to monogamous relationships. If A&B are seeing each other, then B has a dalliance with C, it's often blamed on C. Whereas I figure it was B who betrayed the trust of A, C usually having no such "contract" not to piss A off. If you see what I mean.

ONLY NICE THINGS

17:41 / 18.07.06

Well... there's a general ethical obligation on C not to be an arse, but in this case that does not pertain, because Kali was not aware that she was facilitating A being unfaithful to B... whether or not B believes that is probably down to how well she knows A.

Kali, Queen of Kitteh

17:42 / 18.07.06

There's some weird level of distrust going on here and the last thing I wanted was to become a factor in someone else's relationship.

17:45 / 18.07.06

All I can offer her is words of apology.

For what I can gather, you have nothing to apologise for, Kali. It's the boy who's, well, fitting in every bad stereotype of male behaviour you can think of. I'm with Stoatie here: it's often easier for the cheated one to blame "the other" than to blame the cheater, who the cheated one is probably in love with (or something like it). But it's the cheater who cheated, isn't it? I mean, it's not like she's your friend or anything.

Kali, Queen of Kitteh

17:51 / 18.07.06

No, but having been on her side of the fence makes me sympathize and generally just feel horrible.

Stupid coward. (Not me, the boy.) I can't believe he left work. I thought things were awkward as arse before, now it's going to be worse.

18:02 / 18.07.06

Let's revisit kneecaps.

Kali, Queen of Kitteh

18:04 / 18.07.06

I'm thinking a good solid right hook, Haus.

18:09 / 18.07.06

While I my use of Sisterhood may sound trite these are moments when the compassion of strangers is really important.

We live in a culture where women fear each other and are trained in competitive behavior over partners regardless of your orientation.

To take the time to express to another human being that their feelings are valued and they are respected helps to greatly dissolve these perceptions of hostility between people, especially women.

I know it might sound like a big pain in the ass and potentially stir up more drama but you have no idea how much it can help the other person to feel like they are being respected. The to offer to speak with them in person really does place you more firmly in the position of nothing to hide. Plus because you work with the guy having the issue put to bed quickly is very important.

As weird as it is that she emailed you, open communication and your ability to represent yourself without his filtering content is the best option.

I've been on both sides of this too far too many times. While the deceiver's behavior makes everyone lose hope in decency, those that support each other in sharing the truth help restore each other's faith in humanity.

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