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Romantic workplace faux pas

  
  

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Kali, Queen of Kitteh
15:37 / 03.07.06
I realize that a huge part of my personality is impulsiveness, rash behavior...generally acting without a damn bit of thinking. It's true.

Anyway, I work around a bunch of hyperactive tattooed grease monkeys who are bizarre and love the fact that I am the only female their age they work around. From the first day I met them, I could tell they were excited to have a girl around. One of them in particular I immediately gravitated towards, but really didn't think anything of it.
Since being at this job, silly flirtation has become the norm here and I haven't read anything into it until right before closing Friday evening when the one I rather fancied and I were talking about local bars we like to go to.

The Boy: So where are we meeting up this evening?

Me: I'm sorry? I didn't know we were.

The Boy: I thought we might.

Me: Ah. Well. I have plans with my best friend, but she's being a bit wishy-washy about it.

The Boy: So that's a no?

Me: That's a maybe. Listen, give me your number and if plans change, then I'll call you.

(numbers are exchanged)

Two-and-a-half hours later, the best friend is being cranky so I go and meet the boy and my other co-workers at a local pizza joint. We all hang out, decide to go over to someone's flat to watch movies, and then at some point, I decide I don't want to. The boy walks me back to my car, saying something about just the two of us hanging out next time, and I then say, "Well, the Yacht Club's just down the street, why don't we go grab a quick beer?" To my amazement, he agrees.

Long story short, we sit there and talk and make jokes and then out of nowhere, he kisses me. It was nice. And there was more kissing. Something I don't tend to do in bars. On the walk back to the car, more kissing. Before saying good night to him, kissing again.

We work on Saturdays, so when he comes in, he pops round to my desk and kisses me on my cheek. Not expecting anything like at my place of work, I start babbling nonsensically. I'm thinking this was not what he was expecting. The previous night I had asked if he was dating anyone--because I wouldn't have kissed him back if he were--and he said no. Anyway, he comes and sits next to me at my desk and tells me that "in the interest of full disclosure" he's starting to date someone but likes me too. I sit there and nod my head and go, "I'm sorry?"

The rest of the day is as normal. Still the flirting and still the "I'll call you over the weekend."

I have never been involved with anyone I have worked with. Do you have any advice? Any stories to share? This is all new to me and I am unsure as to what to do.

Help me, Barbelith, you're my only hope.
 
 
Eloi Tsabaoth
15:39 / 03.07.06
Big question: Does he like Doctor Who?
 
 
ONLY NICE THINGS
15:45 / 03.07.06
Since nobody ever listens to me when I state the bleeding obvious, let's move on to logistics. Kali, how much do you like the job and which one of you will have to leave if it goes catastrophically tits up?
 
 
Quantum
15:59 / 03.07.06
...and more importantly how much do you like the boy? Good boyfriends are harder to find than jobs IMHO.
 
 
ONLY NICE THINGS
16:03 / 03.07.06
Indeed - and this fellow already sounds like a bit of a catch.
 
 
sibyline, beating Qalyn to a Q
16:13 / 03.07.06
Ummm... do you really want that much work drama? He sounds like a bit of a liar and wants to date around a bit, which is a potentially bad situation. I think I would consider dating him if it's substantial, but not if it's just fun and also not when he doesn't seem to be discreet enough to keep it under wraps. If you develop feelings for him and he decides not to date you, are you prepared to keep working with him?

Personally, I would tell him you like him but you don't want to date him at work if he's not serious about you. If he really likes you, then he would make more of an effort to show you he's taking you seriously. If he does, then reconsider. If he doesn't, then just chalk it up to a one-off thing on a drunken evening.
 
 
ONLY NICE THINGS
16:26 / 03.07.06
Sibylline speaks wisdom, appropriately enough.
 
 
Jack Fear
16:36 / 03.07.06
You'll have to move. Now. Move and change your name.

Also, burn down your place of employment and kill all your co-workers. But you probably already knew that.
 
 
Quantum
16:39 / 03.07.06
It's this bit that concerns me- he's starting to date someone but likes me too.
 
 
Jack Fear
16:44 / 03.07.06
Translated: He's going to play the field, but wants a fallback fuck, just in case.

When you're killing your co-workers? Kill him twice.
 
 
Kiltartan Cross
16:46 / 03.07.06
I wouldn't say that was necessarily any kind of a problem... provided everyone knows what they're in for.

He's going to play the field, but wants a fallback fuck, just in case. Kill him twice!

What's wrong with that? (moderately) seriously, now, why shouldn't he? Why shouldn't anyone? He's human and he needs to be loved... it's only the working expectation that sex, relations and serious relationships are identical - that all sex is deadly serious partnership for life sex - that would make for a real problem.

That being said, something tells me that this doesn't have the makings of a beautiful poly- setup, somehow. But - dear Barbelith! - I'm only half joking (or I will be if I can just dislodge my tongue) - will someone advance reasons why it'd necessarily be bad and wrong?
 
 
Kali, Queen of Kitteh
16:53 / 03.07.06
All right, here's what I think: I do like him, but I like this job a lot. Enough where I am not prepared to jeopardize it by having a fling with someone I am going to see everyday.

Now, if it had better odds of turning into something serious, I would reconsider, but I do not relish the idea of being the Other Woman. Does not appeal to me. The best I can hope for is continuing to be friendly, rebuff any further advances, and if he asks why, I must be frank.

And yes, he does like Doctor Who, string theory, has an interest in Mayan history, and an obsession with fractal patterns.
 
 
Quantum
18:35 / 03.07.06
Sounds like a cool guy. Maybe he'll realise after rebuffal that actually he really, really likes you, we men are strange and contrary creatures. Good luck Kali!
 
 
ONLY NICE THINGS
18:47 / 03.07.06
will someone advance reasons why it'd necessarily be bad and wrong?

I doubt it. However, contextually it sounds like a bad idea, doesn't it? Because that's not what he said, was it? He said that he was dating someone else, but that he liked Kali. Not that he was dating someone else, but that if Kali wanted to get intimate once in a while both he and the person he was dating would be fine with that. If that's the situation, and that fulfils everyone's expectations, then that would be lovely. However, the presence of "romantic" in the thread title suggests that this is not going to fulfil everyone's expectations.

Having said which, that is only Jack's assessment of the situation. At present we don't really have the data. Far more sensible to look at the professional situation first.
 
 
Kali, Queen of Kitteh
18:51 / 03.07.06
Again, for once, I am trying to make the sensible choice instead of making purely impulsive ones as I am wont to do.

He appears to fairly interesting--as most of my dates tend to be engineers who don't seem to have any sort of imagination--and is probably the only mechanic I have ever met that reads about quantum physics in his spare time.

Seriously, when he told me what he reads for fun, you could've knocked me over with a feather.

Anyway, I gave him a chance to be honest before there any sort of action at all, and to bring it up after I didn't give him the reaction he wanted, sort of pissed me off.
 
 
Hallo, Paper Spaceboy
18:59 / 03.07.06
Kali: Anyway, I gave him a chance to be honest before there any sort of action at all, and to bring it up after I didn't give him the reaction he wanted, sort of pissed me off.

It's possible he came up with the "someone" because you didn't react the way he expected/hoped when he kissed you at work - a bit of an out for himself following potential embarassment. Although, I fail to see how he expected you to react comfortably to being kissed *at work* by a *co-worker*. Possibly, in the interests of being friends, just inquire about this other person?
 
 
alas
19:06 / 03.07.06
It was the coming up and kissing you in the workplace the next morning that got me, Kali. Based on this very sketchy info, it smacked a little of "marking territory"--I think?--to me. (Did it seem like it was designed to show the other blokes in the workplace that he'd "scored"? Or even like that might have been an unintended message?) Or maybe it's that sense of "If we're dating, I can announce this fact at any time by kissing you in public." Seems like it might be problematic for you.
 
 
Ganesh
19:34 / 03.07.06
Mmm. He didn't piss in a circle around your desk, did he?

Immediately demonstrative, asymmetric blurred work/intimate relationship. Avoid.
 
 
Kali, Queen of Kitteh
19:40 / 03.07.06
I was completely taken aback. There's only a couple of us in the morning to open the shop, and the mechanics aren't due in until 11. I go in a little before 10.

He showed way up before he was supposed to, all smiles, and when he kissed me, my first reaction was to babble nonsensically. I have never been in that position before. I have never had to deal with this. It made me nervous. I felt bad about my reaction all day, especially considering he tells me he's seeing someone when I gave him every opportunity and was told, "No, I am not." (Yes, he even told me the night before that he wasn't seeing anyone. No girlfriend, nothing.)

I mean, I really feel stupid. I knew it was a bad idea to even go off with him, but I do like him, so I said, What the hell.

I suspect the observation about wounded pride would not be amiss.
 
 
Hallo, Paper Spaceboy
19:46 / 03.07.06
I pretty much mirror Ganesh on this one. Workplace romances can work and work well, but they pretty much *have* to be conducted with respect towards what is appropriate in the work setting - and you might want to steer clear simply because he's not aware enough to maybe avoid making you feel uncomfortable.
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
19:55 / 03.07.06
And the other thing about workplace romances- if you both decide to take a sicky on the same day, and only ONE OF YOU gets threatened with the sack for it... it's kind of hard not to feel resentful, even though it's not the other party's fault. Just saying.
 
 
Triplets
19:56 / 03.07.06


EJECT

EJECT

EJEEECCCTTTT
 
 
Dead Megatron
20:01 / 03.07.06
And yes, he does like Doctor Who, string theory, has an interest in Mayan history, and an obsession with fractal patterns.

Wow, geek alert going off, big time. But hey, as that clasici epic of our (mine, at least) generation, "revenge of the Nerds", cleary states, the geeks are the best lovers.

And, on a social note:

We work on Saturdays, so when he comes in, he pops round to my desk and kisses me on my cheek. Not expecting anything like at my place of work, I start babbling nonsensically.

maybe I'm being too "Brazilian", so to speak, about this, but is kissing a co-worker in the cheek all that shocking? Isn't it a normal form of saying "hello" to a friend (which doesn't even need tob e of the opposite sex, in a "is foot massage flerting?" manner).

Well, anyway, here's my advice: dating someone you can't later get away from is always an extra risk. The guy in question seem reasonably honest (he could have "forgotten" to mention his other dating partner if he was truly ill-intended toward you, Kali), but he does seem to have "planned" his "aproach", so his true objectives with you are still uncertain (love? sex? office gossip?).

I'm sorry to say that, but it seems you have to decide by yourself if he's worth the risk. And I'm afraid I can't help you at all with this, not knowing him, the work place, or you all that much to begin with. Anyway, whichever way you decide to go, I wish you the best possible outcome.

May Love prevail!
 
 
Kali, Queen of Kitteh
20:05 / 03.07.06
All I intend to do is keep it polite. If he asks, then I will tell him what I think he should know.

Of course, unless he's one of those bastards who find a show of indifference a complete turn-on.
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
20:06 / 03.07.06
There are other, less laudable reasons than transparency for mentioning a dating partener, Megsie. The presence of some notional Other Person is sometimes used to apply subtle and not-so-subtle pressure to be extra nice in order to compete.
 
 
The Falcon
20:08 / 03.07.06
I've not really read this thread, but I'd suggest probably doing the exact opposite of whatever it was Dead Megatron said.
 
 
Jack Vincennes
20:10 / 03.07.06
Dead Megatron: is kissing a co-worker in the cheek all that shocking? Isn't it a normal form of saying "hello" to a friend (which doesn't even need to be of the opposite sex, in a "is foot massage flerting?" manner).

I don't know about the US, but if any of my co-workers tried to kiss me on the cheek -in the office or out -I imagine I would lamp them with the nearest piece of heavy office equipment to hand. Even if I liked them.
 
 
Dead Megatron
20:18 / 03.07.06
There are other, less laudable reasons than transparency for mentioning a dating partener, Megsie. The presence of some notional Other Person is sometimes used to apply subtle and not-so-subtle pressure to be extra nice in order to compete.


Really? Well, pardon my arrogance, but that seems really, really stupid to me. I mean, c'mon: "You better put it out fast or the line will move on, baby!" Does that actually work?

I've not really read this thread, but I'd suggest probably doing the exact opposite of whatever it was Dead Megatron said.

Well, I just said Kali should use her own discretion on the issue. What's the exact opposite of that? Huh? (you Dead Megatron-ist!)
 
 
Dead Megatron
20:23 / 03.07.06
I don't know about the US, but if any of my co-workers tried to kiss me on the cheek -in the office or out -I imagine I would lamp them with the nearest piece of heavy office equipment to hand. Even if I liked them.

Wow! Well, I've been told already that the usual work environment in Brazil is so "loose" on those issues that Brazilian worker (be they male or female, straight or otherwise oriented) would probably get sued for sexual harassment within 6 minutes anywhere else in the world. (That was told to me by a Brazilian who works in Portland Ohio, USA). I guess it's one of those "cultural things", but I assure you that, for us, there's nothing (or, at least, very very little) of senxual about kissing people in the cheek. In fact, not to do so may be seen as unpolite. i say goddbye to my boss - my boss! - everyday with a cheek kiss (and I call her "Boss-lady", which would probably not fly in most places, I admit)
 
 
Kali, Queen of Kitteh
20:24 / 03.07.06
I've been in lots of work environments and not ONCE did any of my co-workers ever come in and kiss me on the cheek.

Nor did they make eyes at me all day, make little comments about kissing me, or give me a look and say, "I'll call you."

Nope.

And if they had, and I hadn't snogged them the night before, I would find the nearest heavy object, too.
 
 
Dead Megatron
20:24 / 03.07.06
Sorry, it's Portland, Oregon, not Ohio
 
 
Tryphena Absent
20:26 / 03.07.06
if any of my co-workers tried to kiss me on the cheek -in the office or out -I imagine I would lamp them with the nearest piece of heavy office equipment to hand. Even if I liked them.

Vincennes I think that means that none of your co-workers are hott.
 
 
Dead Megatron
20:28 / 03.07.06
I've been in lots of work environments and not ONCE did any of my co-workers ever come in and kiss me on the cheek.

And if they had, and I hadn't snogged them the night before, I would find the nearest heavy object, too.

You people have no idea how weird that sounds to me. But I'm being cultural-centric here, I guess.

Nor did they make eyes at me all day, make little comments about kissing me, or give me a look and say, "I'll call you."

Well, that does sound a bit stepping-on-the-line, yes. Even for us, crazy Brazilian people

Nope.
 
 
Jack Vincennes
20:28 / 03.07.06
Vincennes I think that means that none of your co-workers are hott.

That's me busted. I guess I don't really have any useful advice for Kali after all.
 
 
Tryphena Absent
20:31 / 03.07.06
No, no you don't because if your co-worker was like totally hott and you like, were totally single, wouldn't you like totally turn your head so it wasn't the cheek and then say "god, how embarassing" in like a totally seductive voice.

What???? I'm cheap.
 
  

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