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I've been thinking about this on my cycle ride to school this morning and I think there are some important things to mention.
Firstly, I object to the term 'attachment' parenting, because it basically implies that parents who use other 'parenting methods' are less attached than the wonderful, perfect 'attached' ones. I also have problems with 'parenting methods' since I think that following a 'way' is a little bit dodgy. Common sense and awareness of instinct are very good starters for looking after kids. As is remembering you were one once.
The first six months of life are all about what a baby needs and so going to your baby and feeding on demand and all of that, well of course. But after six months your baby is perfectly able to sleep for big periods of time, and in fact through the night. If your baby is not doing that, that's because you have 'taught' your baby that the only way to go to sleep is by having someone rock you/feed you/whatever.
It's just the same as people who tiptoe around the house going, "Shhhh, don't wake the baby". You are teaching the baby to wake up to the slightest noise. It's a very western thing, this perceived need for quiet. You don't see families in tribal villages all tiptoeing around being careful not to wake the baby, do you? If you carry on as normal, then the baby will learn to sleep through normal levels of noise.
I think I should say that I am not regimented. I slept with my baby next to me for the first six months and I fed on demand, but my baby was an appalling sleeper. What I am writing here is what I learned from the sleep clinic, from listening to all the other parents and from my own experience.
So regarding sleeping or rather not sleeping. Currently people seem to be missing two crucial facts. Crucial fact number one: A knackered parent is a shitty parent. If you are not getting enough sleep then your baby is suffering, however wonderful and attachmenty you are. You are more grumpy, more quick tempered, less positive, less amenable, less likely to play, less kind etc, etc. I do nor think suffering through a form of torture makes you a good parent, especially when there are things you can to do to change it, therefore making yourself less tired, thereby being a much better parent to your child.
Crucial fact number two is that babies learn. If, everytime a baby needs to go to sleep someone is there helping it, then how is the baby ever going to learn to let itself fall asleep? What you are actually teaching your baby is that it cannot go to sleep without you.
Regarding the sleep clinic technique. I suppose it's based on the Ferber method but it's different, much kinder. It should only be undertaken with children over six months. For children that can walk, just amend it slightly to return them to bed.
Basic facts:
Remove sleep clues from the baby's sleep area - mobiles, dummies, musical lights etc.
Choose a phrase.
Choose an amount of time you can let your baby cry - from one minute to ten minutes.
Do the bedtime routine but without clues; so feed, play, bath, bed or whatever, then put your baby in bed, say goodnight and leave the room. Everytime the baby cries, return to the room, put one hand on the baby's chest, say your phrase and then leave the room again. Do this continually. Don't pick the baby up or change the phrase. Don't be tempted to cuddle the baby. Don't make eye contact with your baby. The baby needs to know that you will always come, but that nothing interesting will happen when it is time to be asleep.
When it is time to get up, get the baby and do the whole 'good morning, happy happy, cuddles' thing.
Do this again the next night, and again the next night.
My baby slept for an hour the first night, three hours the second night, six hours the third night and then straight through from 8pm to 7am the fourth. He then started sleeping for a long nap in the day too of his own choosing whereas before he was unhappy in the day and wouldn't sleep at night. He was a much happier baby. Fractious, unsettled babies are often babies who are suffering from a lack of sleep.
The baby and I were struggling so much from lack of sleep and then things all changed when we did the sleep clinique technique. It was lovely to spend time with a happy baby and ever since then he has slept through the night.
It's a hard thing to do and it takes a lot of willpower not to pick your crying baby up, but I think it's important to remember that the baby can easily sleep through the night and actually should be, that the baby is also suffering from a lack of sleep and finally but most importantly, without sleep you are not functioning correctly and therefore cannot look after the baby to the best of your ability. |
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