Well, as I said, I'm not SURE it would work, but the knee-jerk reaction of absolute certainty that it "couldn't possibly work" kind of, well, sounds lame. I actually have raised up two pretty wonderful people, who came into my life from foster care. (Just curious: Are either of you speaking from that kind of depth of experience?)
Did I do so perfectly? By no means. If I had to do it again, I'd try to worry a whole lot less about "whether they're just doing something for attention" and those kinds of power games. I know that for sure.
One of my best friends made the decision that they were going to make their children's childhood absolutely most joyous, most loving, most care-filled experience possible. Adulthood might indeed suck, but the child would be totally loved in childhood. And his adult children have their problems, of course, but they've got that joyous base to touch.
Looking back on my own experience, I do remember how hard it was for me to know what to do when in a kind of power-struggle with the child. And I'm fairly sure that, for me, hugging wouldn't work all the time. But I also know that surprising a child, not following the expected pattern, not getting in to the same power-play formula that most conflicts tend to assume over time, works for most people. It gets us out of the eternal return of the same, which I think is key.
(While yes a high degree of consistency with children is very important in many areas, if taken as a simple gospel it can get us locked into predictable patterns and we end up continually fighting and re-fighting the same battles. We need to re-frame things periodically.)
So, I suspect at the very least that spontaneously surprising some children, at some time, when they have learned to expect any specific reaction, probably an irritated or "learn a lesson" reaction, and giving them a hug or some other spontaneous sign of affection instead could be refreshing and startling, and maybe shake up the pattern. |
